Why Women Use You For Money

By Leo Gura - June 18, 2014 | 26 Comments

Why you get used for money and how to stop it permanently.

Video Transcript

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Hey, this is Leo from Actualized.org, and in this video we’re going to talk about why women use you for money.

A lot of guys get hung up on this. A lot of guys will hold this kind of bitterness against womankind, based off of past relationships they’ve been in and past interactions with women, where they feel like women are users of men.

That’s what I want to cover in this video, and if you’re a guy, this video is for you. I want to help you see the other side of what is going on here, because actually — I’m giving away the punchline here — the reason women are using you for money is because it’s your fault. You’re letting them. It’s because you don’t understand what really attracts women in the first place.

Shortcuts Don’t Work

You’re looking for a shortcut to attract a woman. Let’s really get into the details of this. I spent the last few years really studying female attraction, understanding women by talking with them, dating a lot, being in relationships, really studying this area of my life because I was in a very bad place.

I sucked with women, and I wanted to get better. I really took it upon myself to say “You know what? I’m going to start from ground zero and work my way up. I’m going to learn how it really works, not the stuff they tell me in the media, or in popular culture, or what my intuition tells me about how women work, but actually how they work.”

Here are some of the things I discovered. I also ran into this problem, when I started off on my journey. I didn’t understand women, so I fell into some of these traps in the same way you’re falling into. It really sucks, as a guy, to go out with a girl, take her on dates, buy her stuff and then get nothing in return, and then have that girl run off with somebody else.

That’s really like a dagger in your heart. You feel like you’ve been stabbed, and that’s something that can build up to certain bitterness, which you can hold against women in general. The problem with that is that it creates resentment that is there in all your future relationships with women, and all your future dating situations.

That’s not something that’s either healthy for you, or will produce the kind of results that you actually want. I want to help you get the results you really want. The answer here is that once you understand this, attracting women is a lot easier than you think it is. Let’s crack into that.

Here’s how it really works: the problem you have here, as the guy who’s getting used — because not all men are getting used equally, you are getting used. The men who understand women are not getting used by them. Why do you get used by women? The reason you get used is because you have this flawed model of how attraction works.

You fundamentally misunderstand female attraction, what attracts the female. What attracts a female, in a nutshell, are emotions. She’s interested in emotional stimulation. She’s also interested in the status and confidence you have as a man. She wants you to be confident. She wants you to have status. She really wants you to emotionally stimulate her.

As long as you’ve got that, then you really need nothing else. It’s funny because I hear some guys, in the comment sections I read, or other places, on forums, they’ll talk about how women are just out to use them for money, or the thing they need to really attract that beautiful girl is lots of money.

Emotional Stimulation

The reason they can’t go out and attract a beautiful girl, a really hot girl, a supermodel quality girl — they can’t do that because they feel they don’t have enough money to attract her. Well what’s really nice is that you don’t need any of that. All you need is the emotional stimulation. Whatever guy can stimulate the women the most, in the most stimulating way, that’s the guy who’s going to end up sleeping with her the fastest.

Other guys in her life, they can serve the provider roles, but she’s not really going to be attracted to them. Let’s look at the scenario, how this works. A typical guy, who doesn’t really understand women too well, here’s how he thinks it’s going to work:

He sees a cute girl. Maybe he thinks “She’s really nice. She’s really fine. She’s a little bit out of my league. Maybe she’s a little bit above me.” He puts her on a pedestal. Then he says “You know what? I’m going to go and be the really great guy in her life. I’m going to take her on to nice dates. I’m going to take her to really nice, fancy restaurants, impress her with that.

Then after that, we’ll go and do some shopping. I’ll buy her some stuff, some clothes, a purse, some earrings or whatever. I’ll buy her whatever she wants. Then after that, we’ll go to amusement park rides, and I’ll buy her some popcorn. We’ll go to the movies. I’ll be buying all this stuff. We’re going to go through this courting process, and then, as that’s happening, she’s going to get attracted to me.

She’s going to see I’m this cool, responsible guy who’s got status, money and she’s going to fall in love with me. She’s going to like the stuff I’m doing for her. If I don’t do this for her, if I don’t pay for her cheques and her dinners, then that’s going to be perceived as negative. That’s going to be perceived as me losing attraction.”

Let’s look at this from the woman’s perspective. Here you are, this guy, and you’re lavishing her with all these gifts. You’re lavishing her with all these favours. You’re doing stuff for her. You buy her dinners. What is she going to think? “OK, cool.” And she’s going to take it.

What would you do if I was a rich friend of yours, and I said “Hey, let’s go over the weekend, I’ll buy you dinner, some lobster, then we’re going to go and have a party, we’re going to do all this stuff. I’ll pay for it all, don’t worry about it.” What would you say as a guy? “Of course, party on!”, right? Who would refuse free money?

This is where guys make a critical mistake. They assume because a woman will accept free money — she’s only human, you would do the same — you think she will fall in love with you. There’s no connection there whatsoever. If anything, there’s an inverse correlation. As you’re paying for her stuff, what’s happening is that she’s seeing you’re supplicating to her.

Be The Prize

She’s seeing she’s the prize in this relationship. Women hate that. Women really hate that, because they are very sensitive to status. They want a guy who’s more confident than they are. They want to date a guy who has more status than them. She’s suddenly evaluating these things, mostly subconsciously.

When you’re buying and supplicating, then you’re actually shooting yourself in the foot. You’re putting yourself in the provider frame. That’s not what you want. You think that you’re going to give her all this money and all these favours, and you’re going to be really nice, so she’s going to like you.

What ends up happening is that as you’re doing all those things, and you’re doing this long, drawn out courtship process, some other guy in her life, who’s just the fun, carefree party guy, he comes along. He’s broke, he has no money, he doesn’t buy her anything. He treats a little bit like a dick. She ends up sleeping with him. Why does this happen?

I’ll get into that in a second. It pisses you off, right? As that guy, who’s been doing all this stuff and really working to attract her, this is a dagger in your heart. You went through all this work, and now you’re standing there, holding your dick in your hands, while she’s off screwing some other guy.

Why is this happening? It’s happening because you assume the money would attract her. That doesn’t work. Women aren’t attracted to money. What attracts them is emoticons. Guys will call women whores, when they see this happening — actually, no, she’s not a whore. She would be a whore if she slept with you because you bought her all those things.

If you interact with a lot of women, what you’ll tend to find is that they’re not very whorish. They love sex, and a lot of them are slutty, which means they’re very likely to go to sleep with you very quickly if you stimulate the right emotions. That’s all she is. She’s a whore to emotions. She’s not a whore to money.

Look at what’s happening. What you’re trying to do, as a guy, when you’re giving her money and favours, is trying to make her a whore. Women don’t actually like this. They don’t respond to it. You might say “Leo, but sometimes you see guys who are really wealthy, who don’t have good looks and they’re with cute girls, that are out of their league. How is that happening?”

Either those guys are stimulating the women emotionally, even more so than the money factor, but also I’m not going to deny that sometimes a woman will fall into the trap. A woman will take free money. She will take gifts. She’ll even sleep with you for it, sometimes. The problem is that when you attract a woman based on money, then that’s what the relationship is based on.

She’s never actually going to be as wet for you as she would be if you attracted her with the emotional component first, rather than the money. If you attract her with money, she might sleep with you. She might even be your girlfriend for a little bit. Ultimately, she’s always going to be on the lookout for the guy who’s more emotionally stimulating than you.

As soon as her radar locks on to that guy, she’s going to leave you. You attracted her with this false thing she didn’t really want. Of course, some women will just use you for money. Some women are really — that’s like their game. Obviously, you’ve got to watch out for that too.

Refuse To Supplicate

You can nip all that in the bud, by simply refusing to pay for a woman, refusing to supplicate, understanding this model. They really don’t want you to be paying for them. They don’t want to be made whores. They want to be emotionally stimulated. They want to be swept off their feet by that knight in shining armour, or the bad boy, or whatever stereotype you want to cast yourself as.

She wants an exciting, stimulating, adventurous, edgy man, who’s very masculine, who’s very sexual, who’s very dominant and aggressive. That’s what she wants. You’re not giving that to her with money. Here’s the problem: mainstream media and culture and society are telling you the exact opposite of this.

If you look around in the media, you see examples of the opposite. Also, your naive and intuitive brain — if you’re just starting out with women, and you don’t understand them too much — is telling you “She would enjoy doing something nice for her. What if I do her a little favour first? Wouldn’t that askew things in my favour?”

Actually, that’s not what happens. It’s very counter-intuitive. This is the process men have to go through when they’re learning to be very good with women. They have to go through this process of getting out of this mindset where they’re this provider, and getting to this mindset where they’re this fun, carefree, emotionally stimulating guy.

When you make that transition… wow. The success and results you get with women totally change. This is a very counterintuitive thing. For a lot of logical, analytical guys this doesn’t make sense, why women work this way. They just do, and it’s not that complicated. The problem is you’re trying to use money as a shortcut.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just go out and hand a woman a thousand dollars, and she would just sleep with you? If you could just see a really cute girl on the street and be like “Oh man, I really love her. I’ve got some extra money in the bank. Let me just go and pull out my ATM card, go to the ATM machine and take out a wad of cash and just go and give it to her, and she’ll sleep with me.”

Unless she’s a proper whore, she won’t do it. No woman will do that. Even if she does, she’s not going to be actually attracted to that. She’s just going to do it for the money. The reason you, as the man, want that — it would be nice. Wouldn’t it be nice to go and pay a thousand dollars? That would actually be very cheap.

The True Cost

The expense a man incurs to actually attract really quality women is a lot more than a thousand dollars per woman. The blood and sweat and tears and labour you put in to building up your game, to becoming more confident, to building up your personality, to becoming more masculine, to becoming more carefree and fun, letting go of your emotional baggage, all that nonsense you had, all that negative thinking you had from childhood.

To let go of that, and be that fun, carefree guy she wants, that’s hard work. For me, I spent the last two years really working very hard on that. I literally put my business on halt to do it. If I calculate how much time I really put into becoming much better with women — I’m not that good with women now, but I’m much better than I used to be.

The difference that happened there was me investing hundreds, probably over a thousand hours practicing and studying this stuff, trying to understand it. Don’t I wish I could’ve just paid someone a thousand dollars to be my girlfriend. I doesn’t work. The reason you want it is because you want the easy way out.

You want a shortcut. Guys want a shortcut. That’s why you’re buying girls dinners in the first place. That’s why you’re taking them to fancy restaurants, or you’re going shopping with them, because you want to impress the girl. You want the shortcut. You don’t want to attract her with your personality. That would be difficult.

You know your personality sucks. If you’ve got a good personality, you know you don’t need money to attract women. Women are magnetically attracted to you. You’ve probably got more options with women than you care to capitalize on.

If you’ve got a weak personality, if you’re a strong introvert, you’re very much in your head, you’re very logical, you come from that kind of traditional thinking about how dating is supposed to work, which is completely flawed, then you’ve probably got a pretty bland personality. It’s hard to attract women with that kind of personality.

A Short Story

It’s very interesting because — I want to share an example with you of how I learned this. When I started going out, and started approaching lots and lots of women, literally thousands of women, one of the first girls I ended up hooking up with, she was a girl in a new town, I moved to that town just for the month, just to be practicing hitting on girls.

I was there for that month just practicing every single day for thirty days straight, and I bump into this girl at the mall. I open her up, it was a five minute conversation. I grab her number. She’s really happy I stopped her dead cold in the middle of the mall, she was walking and talking to her mom on the cell phone.

I stop her dead cold, tell her she’s beautiful and I want to grab her number and go out with her, and she’s totally down, so it hooks. Then later we end up going for coffee in the evening. We end up hooking up that night. It was amazing.

This girl was a very beautiful woman. I would say she’s a nine, maybe eight and a half. Just a very beautiful woman, the kind of woman that would be girlfriend material. Not only is she very feminine, very fit, looks after her health, beautiful face, beautiful body, beautiful everything. She was also intelligent, smart. She had a good career, she was a nurse.

She was a nice package. She was the kind of woman that was looking for that boyfriend who would then become the husband. She was looking for that nice, long term relationship. It was very funny, because when I hooked up with her, those few weeks in that new city, it was funny to me because she just moved to that city.

She escaped a turbulent relationship, a really dysfunctional, abusive relationship. She got out of that. She moved to this new town, and now I was interacting with her, but she already had other suitors. She’s got status, because she’s beautiful, so other guys that know her want to date her and be with her, sleep with ehr.

The problem is that those guys, they were trying to attract her with money. It was really funny, because even though she didn’t understand what was going on until I pointed it out to her. I remember one time, we were driving in the car, and she was telling me about her nursing career and how people are very nice to her as a nurse.

She was telling me how some of the doctors and surgeons she works with in the hospital, how they would be very nice to her. In fact, one of the surgeons offered her a free surgery. Why would he do that? What does free surgery cost? I don’t know, depending on the operation, but surgery’s fairly expensive.

A surgery usually costs between ten to twenty to thirty thousand dollars. That’s for a minor surgery. Major surgery goes beyond that. A minor surgery, let’s say it costs even ten thousand dollars. Why would a surgeon offer her a free surgery? It was funny because I was instantly like “Woah, that’s amazing!” and she’s sitting in the car, and she’s just talking, not really thinking about what she’s saying.

I put my hand on her knee and looked at her with a sly smile and said “I wonder what you had to do to get that.” She looked at me and she opened her mouth really wide and said “OOOOH”. It clicked in her brain that what was going on here was that she was looking very whorish here.

She immediately said “No, no, we didn’t do anything.” I was like “OK, you didn’t do anything. I believe you. But think about the guy in that situation.” That surgeon gave her surgery because he wanted in. He wanted to sleep with her. He wanted an in, and he noticed she was warm to him, but he wanted to get in there.

He was supplicating. That’s why he offered it. When she understood that, it was funny because to me, it was very interesting because even she didn’t quite realise and put the two together until we started talking about it. It was very funny. Of course, the surgeon didn’t end up getting her. I ended up getting her. It was funny because a few days later, after we had sex the whole day, I drove her back to her house.

It’s a new house, and she doesn’t have many friends in the city yet, but she does have an aunt and an uncle. They know a guy who they want her to date already. We’re driving back to her house, and before we even got up to the driveway, she immediately tells me to stop the car and says “OK, I’ve got to tell you something. We’re getting to my house, but in my house, my aunt and uncle are there now, and they’re with a guy.

They want me to get hooked up with that guy.” I’m sitting here — we’ve been having sex all week — I’m like “Oh, OK.” He’s guy’s also the suitor. This is the next suitor that she has. It was hilarious because she doesn’t want to get with that guy. Of course, why would she want to get with that guy? That guy is not emotionally stimulating her. I’m emotionally stimulating her in this situation.

That guy, he’s just trying to get an in. She doesn’t’ want that. She wants to be stimulated. It was funny because we’re sitting there in the car, and she’s like “Should I go in? I don’t really want to go in.” I tell her “Yeah, go in. Go in and maybe you really like that guy, and you can suck his dick. Go suck his dick tonight. He’s going to be an amazing match for you.”

As soon as she heard that, that guy was immediately blown out. No chance of getting with her ever again. Why is that? Now she’s associating what’s going on there with the sex. The guy is there just for sex. He wants that in. It was funny. I said that very deliberately, just to show I’m just carefree.

I honestly wouldn’t care if she did go in there and sucked his dick. It wouldn’t matter to me. When I played that role, to her, that was super attractive. That makes me look really confident in myself, like “I don’t care, do whatever you want. Honestly, I don’t. It won’t upset me.” But I know that when I tell that to a woman, she’s never going to go do something with somebody else. She’s going to be with me.

She told me to drive her to my place five minutes later, and we ended up having sex all night. It was very funny. This was not the end of it. After that, I knew her for a few more weeks after I was in that town, we were still there. We were still hanging out a little bit.

What was happening was that she had a third suitor. This was a guy who put her through nursing school. He pulled a lot of strings for her in her youth, to get her educated, to get her — from what I understand, I don’t know all the details — really situated in her nursing career and in the hospitals.

Hospitals have a lot of politics involved. He pulled a lot of strings for her. This guy, he wanted to marry her. Now, she’s hanging out with me, she’s coming home to me, and she’s telling me how distraught she is because this guy, who used to support her and help her in different ways, who never had sex with her, he was doing all that because he wanted to marry her.

Now she feels like she’s obligated to this guy. She doesn’t really like the guy. She’s not attracted to him, but now, because she took his money, because he did all these things for her and he opened all these doors, she now feels obligated.

In that situation, that men put her into the role of the whore. Now she feels really bad about that. Will that guy ever marry her? Probably not, because she’s not really attracted to him, she just feels obligated.

Human After All

You might hear this whole story and say “What a cunt! Why would she do all this stuff?” You’ve got to understand she’s only human. If I was giving out free money and pulling strings for you, would you refuse it? You would accept it too. See, women don’t really see how calculating men are. Men are very calculating behind the scenes. They’re doing all this stuff.

Women sometimes — if she’s an experienced woman she’ll understand what’s going on, but sometimes they don’t even understand. They’re just running off emotions, and that’s what they’re going after. They’ll sweep up whatever favours and money you throw them, but they’re not going to get attracted to you.

The moral of the story is: don’t be like those guys that didn’t get with the girl. Be like the guy that did get with the girl by stimulating her emotionally and not paying for anything, not providing anything. Does this mean you never pay a woman for anything?

That’s not what I mean here. Don’t get extreme. You can be nice and buy her some stuff, sometimes. Don’t use money as a crutch, as a shortcut to get your way in there and get some action, or get a girlfriend, get a marriage. That’s even worse. That’s ridiculous. That never works.

Don’t be that guy. Understand that if women are using you for money, it’s not their fault. Women are actually very sweet creatures. It’s your fault. You are looking for that shortcut. All she is doing is going along with the flow. You would go along with the flow as well if you were put in the same situation. Don’t hold that against them.

Start to understand that emotions are what you’re really supposed to attract a woman with. You need to work on your own personality. That’s the lesson here. Stop the money bullshit. Start working on your personality. Start doing personal development. Look and study pickup. Maybe you want to get into pick up.

Start studying dating theory. Start going out there dating many women. Then you’re going to start to learn. That’s how I learned. That’s the best way to learn, through sheer experience. Also, learning from guys who are also very good at this stuff, and have come before you and learned this stuff.

Wrap Up

Kind of an in depth topic. A lot of detail here. I think this is an important topic, because a lot of guys get hung up on it. I’m going to be signing off. Go ahead and post me your comments down below. I’d love to hear what you think. Please like this. Please share it. Click the like button right now. Share it with your friends. I want to get this video to spread around.

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I’m really big on results. I love to give you the mindsets you need, the understanding you need, the insights that are critical to getting the results you want in your life. Sign up and you’ll be getting all those.

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Comments
(26)
Frank says:

Thanks Leo– I do spend way more than I should and often feel as if I’m trying to “buy” affection/sex. etc.
But where is the line between being too generous and being a cheapskate? Shouldn’t the guy pay most of the time when dating? Doesn’t that show the woman he’s “of substance”, IOW, has a job, which is a common desire amongst women (or not??).
Even though I like to pay, I do resent it when a date doesn’t offer at least something in the way of “giving”– like buying me a drink, etc. Just a small token is enough.
My last girlfriend broke up with me because she said I wasn’t able to support her financially– so in that case, her main complaint was she didn’t see any future security with me. That situation is common, isn’t it?
Thanks again–

Leo Gura says:

No girl who really loves you will ever break up with you because you don’t buy her stuff. I simply draw a line in the sand and don’t buy girls much of anything. I expect at least 50% investment from her. In fact, given the awesome guy that I am and given how much I’ve worked on myself, I expect her to be buying me stuff. If you’re a cool boss, the woman supports you. << this is how you ought to think.

Alyshia says:

I’m flabbergasted by this topic. I find it to be very misogynistic and in a lot of ways, just plain wrong. There were some good points, right at the end where you recommend working on their personality, that’s a good one. A person who is growing themselves will be very attractive. But the majority of this video feels to me as though it’s perpetuating the “If I do this for her she owes me sex” attitude. I do hope that wasn’t what you were going for. In my own experience I can say I did look for emotional stimulation, however, I also sought someone who would make me a top priority in his life. The man I’m marrying chose to do both of those things, and while he did have money and a very good job even before we began dating, those were not things I sought. In fact, I had actually forgotten for a while. And while I know some women out there do seek those things, I feel you made a good deal of generalizations. I was shocked as I do really like a lot of your other videos. And to Frank, while I understand how it sounds to women the highest priority is security be it self-made or sought through a relationship. But for her to show you a token of her gratitude/affection through learning your love language and speaking it would have done you both some good.

Leo Gura says:

You didn’t actually hear the video. I told guys to NOT attract women with money. Will women use men for money if given the opportunity? Always. Anyone would. The point is to draw boundaries.

evan says:

Thank leo
Women considering that men banks Animations
The burning desire for sex …. They want us to surrender to get the services
Nationality …. and say: “I’ll get your money damned”
But men want to have sex and do not care about love and passion
And it looks like!
The child who is looking for a bottle of milk and then drink and do not know that there is salt in the bottle
“This is a problem of men.”
Men always considering the silly things, and the reason is because there is no work or his dream in his life
I own a Mercedes or Ferrari … or I own a Playstation and play on holidays!
This is ridiculous to the point that we spotter depressed because we live among a community of women and men who do not understand each other, and are thinking about sex always
For example, there is a man suffering from a problem and walks in the park, a dejected?
And see the old girl 16 or 17, sitting on a chair in the garden and is also depressed
And suddenly wants to go and sit next to them and get to know each other and speak to lighten depression, and after five words: I have as well, I’m working, I feel depressed, do you want me hanging around, we’re going to have fun
(This thinking is wrong)
Women do not want to spend time with a football player or a student or a depressed person
Women want excellence and love upscale and romantic night and morning active and should not be a rich man nor miserly The balance is the right thing.

Thank you

evan says:

Thank you Leo
I have a question?
Do you have a video in order to help men, (how to be attractive to the opposite sex)
This is the problem faced by many people, because the topic is complex

Leo Gura says:

I have many videos on that topic. Start with this:
http /www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-make-a-girl-fall-in-love-with-you

Angella says:

Being a girl who attracts a lot of guys, I can say that most girls who are above average would want a guy with money. Not that she just wants his money but she wants a good life because she thinks she deserves gifts here and there from a guy who loves her. In my opinion it matters as equally as the ability of the guy to stimulate her emotionally. I would not love a guy whom I know has money and he won’t spend it on me. I want balance and that is what I have got. Gentleman, putting me first and buy me gifts. Buying things is a way of showing love to a woman. That is how I have always considered it. A guy who has money and only tries to get me without spending on me makes me feel like I am not his priority. A guy whom I am not attracted to can not get me just with his money nor does a guy who really attracts me can get me without spending on me. So a beautiful girl wants a man who has both. So a man who spends money on a woman feels more like a gentleman and caring to a woman. Feel like he is holding his position being a man. I do agree with a lot of your point Leo. Thank you.

Leo Gura says:

Yes, when you have more options, you will exercise those options more. Hot girls will naturally have lots of options. But even in this case, if you ran across a guy who was funny and edgy and confident, but broke, it would not keep you from sleeping with him. Because money itself cannot create attraction. It’s a logical requirement and not a deal-breaker in the short-term.

Gaby says:

I’ve dated guys in the past who were very charming, “emotionally stimulating” and all but were not willing to spend much money in lets say drinks and dinners, even in gas! I found this pathetic and no matter how hot and confident this guy was, if he wasn’t willing to spend some money I wasn’t very interested. Because a guy who’s attitude is kind of cheap only tells me he is a person who’s not willing to offer much in the relationship and wants everything for himself, specially in sex.

I guess a girl has to be very naive to fall for a guy who is cheap as hell. I’m not saying money is everything, but it doesn’t look very sexy if a guy is looking to avoid expenses specially on a first date. Btw nowadays when my husband buys me gifts, takes me on trips and does’t mind spending on things he knows i will enjoy, it feels awesome!

Chris Cox says:

I am a chiropractor but the last three years haven’t done well so finances are low. I meet a girl at a festival. She lives in Florida I live in Austin so for the past couple of months we’ve talked over the phone and it was going great. I finally meet her in Florida and we had a great time for a few hours. She came to visit me in Austin saw where I lived and wasn’t to pleased. My place is ok not the greatest. I took her to nice restaurant. But then she wanted me to buy her gifts I refused. She had asked for gas money and I gave her 40 dollars as she was already in Dallas and that covered that. She seemed upset left the next day and we haven’t spoke since. I tried to call but she wouldn’t pick up. I know she is having financial trouble and gave her 50 dollars to help her with rent once. I assume it is because of my money situation that she was upset. I guess she thought I had more money being a chiropractor and all. Or maybe I was just being cheap. It did hurt a lot though because I thought she was sweet and it was so nice to speak via phone. Also I felt like a failure because of my financial situation so really got me depressed.

Leo Gura says:

That’s not really the reason why. If she really liked you, she wouldn’t have run off. The problem was that you didn’t hook her hard enough. Once you hook a girl, she will put up with a lot before she leaves you. So the thing you need to work on is your game, not your wallet. Money is good, but it’s for YOU, not for the girl.

Chris Cox says:

Thanks for responding. How do you work on your game. Which videos are you referring to? Much appreciated.

Leo Gura says:

Learning game is a very deep rabbit hole. I’ve got a few videos on how to be better with women, but I will be making a lot more. You have to develop your charisma and confidence. You need to go out and hit on lots of women to get good.

Abraham says:

Thanks for this video Leo, I got a question that nobody can seem to answer, but I’m sure you’ll shed some light on this subject for me.

What is the difference between building emotional connection with women and stimulating a woman emotionally?

Leo Gura says:

Stimulating her emotionally is just making her feel fun, adventurous, and running off emotions rather than logic. So that she gets out of the logical head-space long enough to have sex with you. Women only have sex when they are emotional. It doesn’t even have to be good emotions, it can be bad emotions. Guys suck at understanding this. We are very logical and we expect women to get attracted to us on a logical basis, but this is not how it works.

Building an emotional connection is about building rapport and being vulnerable with her, so she comfortable with you and is able to trust you. This is best done AFTER you have stimulated her and got her attracted to you. Emotional connection is what seals the deal.

Oksana says:

Hey Leo,

Having watched and liked several of your videos, I felt like chiming in on this one. I think I see where Alyshia is coming from in being offended by a few things you said. I too was slightly offended, but mostly by the language you chose to use when referring to women. It felt a bit… denigrating. But maybe I am overly sensitive today, who knows…

Anyway, what I wanted to note is that guys need to be aware of cultural differences when they are dating women with a different cultural background than their own. In many cultures, it is absolutely expected of the guy to pay on a first, second, and 105th date. And guys in those cultures would be offended if a girl insisted on picking up the tab. I remember when I first moved to the States for college (I was 17) and dated several guys, I probably came off as a money-grabbing whore… (since that seems to be the way you describe a girl who will accept gifts/dinners when given to her by one guy, meanwhile she sleeps with some poor schmuck, who didn’t even buy her a coffee). And I remember one of my boyfriends commenting on the fact that he normally would not pay for his dates, but with me, he just didn’t care. I broke up with him shortly thereafter, because I felt that it reflected poorly on his character (there were other reasons, of course). Today, I do understand where he was coming from. I also wouldn’t dream of not offering to split the check on a first date… but that’s because I’ve assimilated to this culture by now. (However, if a guy accepted the money on our first date, I couldn’t help but think of him as a cheap bastard). Just something for guys to keep in mind… Thanks!

Ashray says:

There seems to be a this line between paying for relationship and paying at all, experience is needed in the end, right? I have also realised I am behaving like an attention seeker, but really I was trying to be more extroverted.

Leo Gura says:

Yes, experience is always needed. These are very rough rules of thumb.

On The Money says:

Leo is totally on the money here. Knowing how to create attraction in a woman is all about confidence. Real confidence, not douche baggy arrogance which is a huge turn off, but the kind of confidence that gets them believing you could run the world. Slight exaggeration, but I think you get the point.

Why is confidence such a huge turn on for women? Very simple: because most women don’t have confidence worth shit.

We all are impressed with those with skills, talents, etc, that we don’t have. If you had it, would you be impressed with the same skills/talents as you? Unlikely. If you had a 100 million dollars, would you be impressed with someone who had 10 million? Hell no! But would you be impressed with a billionaire? Hell yes! Why? Because the billionaire has something you don’t whereas you have what the 10 million dollar guy has. To the 10 million guy, he’ll be impressed with you (and obviously the billionaire).

I used to suck ass and balls with woman. Tried the ‘conventional’ nice guy shit that never really worked. Started acting more with a “I don’t give a shit what you think and I’ll say what I want” attitude and there was a NIGHT AND DAY difference. By having such an attitude, I don’t mean to be rude, a jerk, condescending, judgmental, etc. You still have to respect her emotions throughout. Otherwise, you are a jerk.

Try it and see for yourself. Don’t be afraid to fail. Just get back on your feet and try again. Once you get the hang of it, getting numbers, dates, and sex will be like taking candy from a baby!

robert says:

Should you pay on first date and how many times after that?

Leo Gura says:

Make you first date coffee or 1 drink or ice cream. Then you can pay for it, if you sense that she would be offended otherwise. If she is cool, have her pay for her portion.

No fancy dates until after sex.

Mase says:

Haha I really like the story.
I was once into pick up, and got a lot better with women.
Your story exactly points out what would be a demonstration of higher
value and lower value. Was the best example I’ve ever heard for explaining concept of DHV DLV. Love your posts, love your thinking.
keep it up

Natasha says:

Men are natural providers and protectors, while women are natural at rearing children and keeping the house. When those roles of men and women get confused, problems often arise. You can’t expect a man work all day, then come home and cook, clean and take care of the kids. Equally, you can’t expect a woman to cook, clean, take care of the kids and work outside of home full time. Just doesn’t work. So when a guy and girl are dating, both will scan for clues at what kind of provider a guy would make and what kind of a mother a girl would be, in a family situation. For him not take charge financially while they are dating is to tell the girl he is lacking in the ‘provider’ department, which can be quite a major turn-off to the girl.

I had to assume a position of both a provider/ protector as well as a nurturer for my family when my husband passed away a few years ago. I hold a full time job and am financially independent. But, in all honesty, I would rather not have to do what comes unnatural to me as a woman – be a sole bread winner. And I would never be willing to be ‘a nurse and a purse’ to any man. We all know there are plenty of men out there who use women for money too.

As far as emotional stimulation to attract a woman, not all women need that. I am personally a kind of a woman who finds emotionally charged relationships uncomfortable. I am very practical and logical and when a man comes across as too talkative/ animated/ emotional, that’s a turn off to me. Knowing it’s not in a man’s nature to be that way, I see this kind of behavior as fake. I don’t need to be entertained, sweet-talked or played mind games with. I want a kind, loyal, smart, supportive, and generous man for a life companion. And yes, by ‘generous’ I mean both with his time and finances.

Joseph says:

I agree w omen aren’t after money necessarily but they equate money with security. As men are “wired” to be attracted and are attracted to a woman’s appearance she is attracted to (or wired) to be attracted to security. As she is the smaller vessel and may have to take care of offspring. So a strong male with the security she needs is important . She can’t help it. She doesn’t want to be bought. Actually subconsciously she is probing for three psychological needs. When these needs are tactfully giving to her she will feel she has found her soul mate. One can give only her feminine need i.e. Here need to be known as a sexual female and go to bed with you. But her deeper needs needs filled also. Going around always concerned with her “emotional stimulations” would be draining. It will work just to get sex but not for a long term relationship. Plus in a way is just two people using each other, don’t you agree?

Karl says:

For a lot of guys… I wouldn’t even call it ‘women using men for money’ because the guy OFFERS to take her out, etc. before she can even attempt to use him for money. Then he continues with it when he sees she’s still not interested.

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