How To Be Attractive

By Leo Gura - February 26, 2014 | 35 Comments

The ultimate secret strategy to become ridiculously attractive to the opposite sex.

Video Transcript

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Hey, this is Leo from Actualized.org and in this video, I’m going to tell you how to be attractive.

The Very Truth

Okay, how to be attractive, let’s crack into it. This is going to be a quick self-help segment, but I’m going to give you the key, not some sort of little gimmick, and I can go in and give you a list of a lot of little techniques and tips that you can use to increase your attractiveness to the opposite sex, whether you’re a guy or a girl.

But I’m going to actually give you something that’s very deep. This is going to take some effort on your part to understand, because this is a profound idea. If you just take this principle and you apply it to your life, the amount of attraction that you will generate from the opposite sex is going to be ridiculous.

This is such a powerful idea. In this segment, I’m just going to focus on it, and one little point at the end. What is this idea? Let’s get into it. Here it is, and you might not like it, but this is why it’s powerful.

Be Detached

I want you to be completely detached from needing anyone to fulfill you in your life. What does this mean? This means that I want you to realise, and this is a deeper truth that you will realise with enough personal development work, that you do not need anyone in your life to make you happy or fulfilled, despite what it might seem like right now.

I know what you might be saying. You might be saying “Well Leo, the whole point of getting into a relationship is because I want to have love, I want to have compassion, I want to have excitement. I want to do all these fun things, I want to find my soulmate. Maybe I want to get married. I want to have children, I want a raise a good family, all of these things.”

Nothing wrong with that, that’s all well and good. But I can guarantee you that the biggest problem you’re having, if you’re not being attractive in a relationship, is not that you’re not pretty enough or that you’re behaving in some weird ways, or you’re doing something incorrectly.

It’s this general idea, this philosophy, this mindset that you’re going into the relationship with the need for somebody to be your second half, to fulfill you. It’s very easy to get caught up in this, because mainstream media puts out this notion of what love and romance and relationships are like.

If we watch movies and watch stories and listen to fairy tales, we get this picture that love is finding somebody else to complete you. That is not what true love is. That is not what a healthy relationship is. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties, both man and the woman, or whatever your relationship ends up being — girl-girl, guy-guy, girl-guy — doesn’t matter.

Be Independent

You need to be confident and independent and happy by yourself. So does the other person. Only then can you two come together and create something that is greater than the sum of its parts. This is a hard idea to wrap your head around, especially if you’re feeling lonely right now. You’re feeling like you’re lacking something in your life.

You feel like “Well, if only I had that guy or that girl. If only I had that love that I had in a previous relationship. If I could rekindle that kind of spark again I would be happy. I would be content, my life would be complete.”

That’s the problem. That’s highly unattractive to the opposite sex. There are actually two points here. First is the more shallow point, the surface-level point, that it’s simply repulsive to the other person. When you’re coming from that mindframe, you’re actually going to be repelling rather than attracting people.

That’s because when you are desperate and needy, other people do not want to be around you. At least not the kind of person you want in your life. What you’re going to attract when you’re needy and desperate is somebody else who’s on that same level.

You might attract someone who’s also going to be needy and desperate, or you might not attract anyone at all. That’s definitely not someone you want, a needy and desperate person. That’s going to create a dysfunctional, codependent relationship.

Instead, what you want is to attract someone who’s equally confident and stable and happy in themselves just as they are, so that you two come together things click and things are good. This goes deeper too. The reason that you do not want to be in this needy, desperate position is because actually, what you’re doing is being inauthentic to yourself.

You’re not really in touch with the fact that you can be happy by yourself. What you’re actually looking for is a crutch. You’re using this other person, even though you call it love, and you call it romance and fulfillment, actually what you’re doing is using that other person as a crutch to fill a void in your own ego that is there.

The Perfect Analogy

Here’s the thing, the really mind blowing thing. Even if you get that person, you find that perfect person to fit that hole, that void that you have in yourself, it’s not actually going to work. It’s no different than going out there, for example, and — you know that stereotypical businessman that goes out there and tries to dominate the corporate ladder, and tries to earn a million dollars, and thinks that’s going to make him happy, and when he gets to the end of that whole journey, he finds out he’s no happier than when he started.

That’s very true from a money perspective, but it’s also very true from a relationship perspective. If you think somebody else is going to come in there and fulfill you, fulfill that gap in your ego, it’s not going to happen. Here’s why: because you’re actually running away from something.

There’s something within you, within your own psychology that you’re not facing up to. When you avoid that by just going and getting a quick fix of sex, or companionship, or love, or marriage, or starting a family, whatever that is, all that’s doing is putting a band-aid over a much deeper wound that you have within yourself.

Honestly, you do not need anyone to be happy. This applies to everybody in the entire world. You can be completely happy all by yourself. You do not need anyone to fulfill you. If you feel like that’s not true for you, then I’ve got a shocking revelation.

You have not done enough introspection and have not figured out what your quirks are, what your limiting beliefs are, what your ego-deficiencies are. You haven’t done enough personal development work to get that part of your life handled.

What I’m telling you is, get that part of your life handled. Be detached and you will be attractive. Not only will you be attractive, you’ll also be fulfilled, which is even more important.

Know Yourself

With the attractiveness thing, what’s attractive to the opposite sex, to guys and to girls, is to be able to be completely authentic, a hundred percent authentic. To be completely, a hundred percent authentic, you have to be able to be confident in who you are. You have to be able to let people come and go into your life without needing to clutch onto them and cling to them and hold them.

This applies whether you’re single right now, or you’re in some sort of girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, or even if you’re married. EVen if you’re married you should not be attached to your spouse. You should not need that spouse to be in your life. If you do, I’ve got a very high probability of predicting that marriage, or that relationship is going to go sour within a few years.

Maybe even sooner. Maybe within five years or ten years. In the end, it’s not going to be able to last. It’s built on something that’s fake, it’s not authentic. You cannot be authentic with someone you need something from.

Generally, what you really need to come to a deep realisation of — and this is something that I’ve been doing as I’ve been doing more meditation, more enlightenment work on myself — is I’ve been coming to this deep understanding that there is there is nothing that anyone in the world can offer me that I cannot offer myself.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that I can fix my own plumbing, or that I can repair my own car, or grow my own food. I need people for that. Sure, we depend on each other for those kinds of things. We live in a society.

What I’m talking about is psychological dependency. You do not need someone to fulfill you psychologically. At least you shouldn’t. Right now, that is most likely not the case for you. It takes a lot of work to get to the point where you’re really there.

I’m not there myself. I’m working on this right now, very actively. You need to start getting more awareness of this. The more psychological dependencies you have — on your parents, on your siblings, on your spouse, on your children, on your boss, on anyone in life — as long as you think they can give you something of value, what’s going to happen is you’re going to feel a need to sacrifice your own authenticity.

Be Comfortable With Yourself

You’re not going to be able to express yourself in the way that you want to express yourself. That is what’s actually most attractive and most magnetic within people. When you see people like celebrities, or you see someone that you’re really attracted to, the reason that is because that person is totally outcome-independent.

They’re comfortable being themselves. And they’re happy by themselves. They actually are happy, they’re not faking it. This is not some sort of fake detachment, this is a real “I am happy with my life. I really don’t need anything else to complete it. If you want to come in here and intermingle with what I’ve got going on then let’s do that. Let’s see if it will work. We’ll try that.”

That’s the base of a strong relationship. And you know what, if it doesn’t work, something doesn’t go right, we’re just going to bounce our separate ways, and no hard feelings. I’m happy, I expect you to be happy. That’s just how it is. It’s like two non-needy entities coming into contact with each other and just seeing how it’s going to play out.

Versus the way a normal relationship works, and this is what I would define as a dysfunctional relationship, is two people coming together, needing something from the other. I need sex from you, you need security from me. You want comfort from me, you want love from me. I want excitement from you and I want a partner from you, and I want money from you.

When you’ve got this kind of trade, this kind of tit-for-tat going, then neither party is going to be able to be completely authentic. What’s going to happen is, you’re always going to have that fear, deep down, that “Well, hold on. If I do something that person disapproves of, that person doesn’t like, then I’m going to risk upsetting them. I’m going to do something that, maybe they’re going to stop loving me. Maybe they’re going to get angry or upset. They’re going to pull something away from me. They’re going to pull the love away, they’re going to pull their comfort away from me.”

Examine Yourself

When you’re in that kind of relationship, that’s a relationship based on fear. That’s a dysfunctional relationship. If you want to be really authentically attractive, than what you’ve got to do is really work on this. That means working on yourself, working on your own psychology, working on your own quirks.

Why is it that you feel you need that love so badly? Why do you thirst after it? Why do you need that companionship so much? Why are you not comfortable in who you are? Why can’t you be comfortable just by yourself, without needing anybody else? These are the issues you really need to work out.

Be Self-Sufficient

The next point is, I really want you to create a happy life for yourself. That means that if you’re sitting home alone right now, and you cannot be happy by yourself, without going out and distracting yourself with some sort of stimulation — television, internet, sex, drugs, alcohol, whatever.

If you’re not able to just be comfortable and happy by yourself, then you’ve got some work to do. Realise that you’ve got some work to do. I also want you to set up a good life for yourself with nice external circumstances. That means, for example, make sure that you have a rich life. Have a good career. Have something that you’re passionate about in your life.

Have a life purpose. Have some nice friends that you like to hang out with. Have some hobbies that you enjoy. Have your money situation handled. Make sure you’re unhooked from addictions like drugs, smoking, alcohol, overeating. Make sure you’re happy with your family life. Make sure you have your health and hygiene in order.

When you’ve got all this stuff, you’re going to be happy. Also, you’re going to work on your psychology beyond that. So you’ve got your psychology down, you’ve got all these external factors in your life down, now you’re creating an awesome life for yourself.

Now you can be authentic. Now, as long as you’re just interacting with people, and you’re out and about and you have chances to bump into other people, then they’re going to see you being happy and being confident and completely authentic, and not needing anything, and they’re going to be like “That’s kind of cool. I rarely meet a person like that.”

They’re going to get attracted to you. Don’t discount how powerful this is. It seems a little bit abstract, maybe airy-fairy, hard to believe, but I’m telling you — this is really the secret to building lasting, non-gimmicky attraction.

Hone Your Body

The last point I’m going to make as I’m wrapping up is, really, take care of your body, and take care of your hygiene. Take care of your healthy. Make sure you’re eating well. Make sure you’re taking care of basic hygiene stuff — brushing your teeth, showering every day, doing your yoga, your meditation, your gym routine, following up on that, eating healthy, cleaning up your diet.

These are some very practical things. They might seem shallow, but really the reason you’re doing them is for you. To create a happy life for yourself. They’re also going to make you attractive.

If you’re taking care of yourself to the best of your ability, and you’ve got your psychology down, and your life is awesome, who would not want to be a part of that? Of course they would. Everyone wants to be a part of that.

What people are repelled by his neediness. You coming into a relationship and wanting more for me, me, me. I need this, I need that, I need you for me to feel happy. Nobody really wants to be in a relationship like that. Not a healthy person. A dysfunctional person might. That will create something you are not going to want anyway.

That’s it. This is the deep, underlying truth of how to be attractive. Don’t listen to the gimmicks, solve this problem. Nip it in the bud by addressing your need for other people. You really don’t need other people. Find out why you’re not happy as you are right now.

Wrap Up

This is Leo, I’m going to be signing off. This is a fascinating topic for me, I have more ideas on how to be attractive and attractiveness. I’m going to shoot a lot more videos on that coming up. I’ve already got a few up there, so check those out too, How To Attract A Guy, How To Attract A Girl. I’ve got specific videos on those two for guys and girls.

That’s going to be it. Leave me your comments, like this, share this if you would. Of course, come check out Actualized.org, because what we’ve got on there is an exclusive newsletter with some exclusive amazing bonuses you’re not going to find anywhere else.

We’ve got a nineteen part video series, we’ve got an opportunity to get some live coaching with myself. I’m a life coach, so I can help you work on issues. I give away two hours of coaching every month. Really, the reason you ant to sign uop to Actualized.org is because I am commited to helping you figure out the psychology of getting your life into shape.

Not just your relationships, but as you’ve noticed, this relationships stuff goes much deeper that just being attractive on the surface level. It’s about understanding who you are. I want to help you understand who you are in your life, so that you can get not only your relationships into place, but you career into place.

Get your health into place, get all of that, your money into place, so that you’re just living an awesome, extraordinary kind of life. I’ve got a lot of ideas and a lot of insight to share with you. I want you to be following along, because I’m releasing content all the time.

The best way to do that is to subscribe to my newsletter, because you get an email update. I release content for free every week.

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Comments
(35)
Misha says:

Thank you so much. i was unable to understand why my relationship was going on the downfall. now i realize that i was giving myself to him more than giving myself what i actually needed from myself.. sometimes we tend to get absorbed in a relationship more than taking care of ourselvs..n that is when rel fails..the basic thing is love yourself and others will do too…thankssssss a million!!

Leo Gura says:

Yeeeeees! Good lesson

leni says:

wow its self empowering and i actually see myself growing each day because of you its funny how people have also noticed thanks soo much… am way confident today than weeks ago

Phil says:

What a great article, I just wish that I knew this before, since in March my relationship of 5 years ended due to the fact we where always both dependent (until november last year where she started to change that fact.. but I stayed needy)… but lesson well learned. And now tts nice nice to know the “why” with certainty.

Tom says:

Wow. This is exactly the talk I need right now. Thank you. I think this is one I’ll be coming back to often, at least for the time being…

Kamimi says:

thank you I feel more confident whenever I watch your movies thanks for sharing

Samson says:

Very authentic … Do log me in your letters.

Kate says:

True. But what is the use of attracting people if we are happy by ourselves?

Leo Gura says:

That’s how life works. The more you need something, the less you will get of it.

Wanessa says:

In the end, what I get is that is not about needing, is about wanting. I was in the process of getting there, thank you, your video helped me to finally achieve it. My boyfriend presented your videos to me and I’m so happy to see how motivated he is now and it’s thank to you.

I dicided to take a look here myself, because I’m facing some time management problems as well. And you’re helping a lot as well, you are always very clear with what you mean, and I’m sure I’ll get there. I though this video might be interesting to watch and in the end it made me happy that I’m doing it all right. It took me countless years to end up discovering all by myself that what I need to be happy it’s to be happy with myself, but I’m also happy to discover that I did it right. It’s a funny coincidence that I discivered that I don’t need my boyfriend for nothing else, but I love him and we enjoy being with eachother because we get along very well. I’m sure he thinks the same.

I’ll stick around, thank you very much for sharing all these advices and this information.

Leo Gura says:

Awesome! Good work. Stay the course.

And thanks!

Rachel says:

Thank you for this Leo, as well as all your other videos! I like how you speak the truth, no matter how harsh it may seem to people. People never really ever hear the things that they need to hear, when it comes to advice such as this.

philip says:

Thanks Leo,

You are doing a great job!
I really appreciate you, your message and your overall vibration.
It took me about eight years after a divorce to realize that happiness is something that comes from within, that it is a choice and that it can not contingent on outer circumstances.
Bad experiences, in the long run, are blessings that force us to grow; to look within.
Thank you,

Philip

Anna says:

Leo, You are 100% right. I am happy with my life and passionate about being a teacher. I sustain a very healthy life. Thank you!

Best, Anna

David says:

I love this video. It must be so liberating to learn to be completely happy by yourself. I am going to work on this.

Anthony says:

You had mentioned something called “pick-up” in a video of yours. Not sure if it was this one or not. What is pick-up? I’ve googled it. Doesn’t seem to exist.

La says:

I also googled it and found a couple of links, Leo mentions it in his Relationship Advice video for one.

Tony says:

So share the links.

Anna says:

Hey Leo,

I really appreciate your videos! Thank you so much!!!

But I got a question about this video: I don’t think anyone could be 100% authentic, we can just say someone is much more authentic than other people or somebody is approaching purely authentic. But no one can be completely authentic (maybe except Jesus, Buddha or God).

What do you think?

J says:

You’re a beast! I have so much self improving to do. Please keep up the videos!!!!

Christian says:

Hi Leo, I like your website!

joe says:

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NikosMiou says:

I would like to see you to adjust these really golden tips you give to us by making videos approaching women.That would be fun and i like to see you how you truly react and behave to women.

Dave says:

Yes! Please do that!

Cory says:

Wow! Leo thanks alot, you’re an amazing person and the knowledge i have gained from you is outstanding! Thanks once again.

Jocelyn says:

The best article so far. Thanks a million!

Debbie says:

This is a really great video and so helpful like all your videos. I listen to them most days on the way to or from work. Every day I learn something and understand more of what is true and what matters. Grateful I discovered your site.

Anna says:

So interesting. Love your videos!

Hal says:

Wow Leo, new to this site and have learned so much in the past 24 hours it is amazing. There is some much information here!
While there are many things going correctly in my life what you have taught me is there is a reason for my current condition/relationships and while I thought it was my need for someone else it is actually my need to improve myself to a new level.
The old “This is the first day of the rest of life” now has taken on new meaning with the insight to improve and renew.
Now to get to work on those areas that have become more important then ever.
Thanks

Bartlomiej says:

What you say in you videos is so true and simple, straightforward, grounded. I’m struggling with a break up and after watching your vids it is getting better and better. You just cut the bullshit and tell the painful truth. It disolves all the fog that covered my eyes up to this day. I decided to quit that rel after I discovered I’m npot being myself. Now I’m in a sorrow, but so happy I made a step forward.
Thank You Leo!

hazelannie says:

Thank you Leo! I can’t believe it took me this long to find your videos. I love all of the them. I wish I can help translate all your videos in Chinese so that people in China could see them and understand them as well. Good work Leo.

Anna says:

Dear Leo,
I would love to see more on this topic.
Thank you!
Anna

Jane says:

Very true.

Dalton says:

You spend a lot of time covering a point which is necessary in a lot of situations, but could you go a little further and provide some applications in real life? Your philosophy is very helpful, but for some (including myself) it would be even more helpful if you gave us real-life examples of this in action so we can relate more to what you’re saying. Thanks!

Tammy Leitz says:

Leo your are so attractive!! Thank you for all your doing for the world. You are one smart man…. and your HOTTT!

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