What Women Want In A Man
By Leo Gura - May 8, 2014 | 20 Comments
The 4 elements that hook women like crack! and the 4 that never work.
Hey, this is Leo from Actualized.org, and in this video I’m going to talk about what women want in a man.
What women really want in a man? Let’s talk about that. What is it that women really want? This is such a fascinating topic to me, and I’m so excited to talk about it because I spent so much of my own blood, sweat and tears figuring this out.
I came from a dysfunctional place in my life, with lack of relationships — not understanding the opposite sex, not understanding sex at all, not understanding the dynamics, the psychology involved. I was completely miserable. I had to work really hard to dig my way out of that hole, and in that process I learned a lot of stuff, studied a lot of material, went out and actually practiced it, applied it.
This is where I’m coming from. I’m always excited to go back and share my biggest insights with some of you guys, who might be going through the same situation in your life. It’s really important to understand what women want, because if you don’t, then you’re not going to be able to attract her. You’re not going to be able to keep her.
Understanding Women Thoroughly
For me personally, when I started on this journey a few years back, I told myself that I’m not just going to use some little gimmick to try to attract a woman. What I’m going to do is understand women at their core, really understand them.
They’re not that difficult to understand. Most men have a lot of trouble understanding women, but if you dig into it and go out there and practice, and to a little bit of studying it’s not that hard. I’m going to give you a straightforward how to of what it takes to attract a woman, and what it is that a woman is looking for in a man. What’s going to attract her is what she’s looking for. They’re two sides of the same coin.
The first point I’m going to make is: never listen to a woman about what she wants in a man. It might sound like “Well, the proper person to ask is the woman. Why don’t I go ask a woman about what she wants and then give it to her?”
The problem with that is that it doesn’t work. I’ve tried that. Guys have trie that, it’s not going to help you. If you’re a guy and you want to get better with girls, it’s not going to help you. A woman’s way of understanding what she wants, and a woman’s way of understanding her own psychology is not the same understanding a guy needs to have of her psychology.
A woman is not there psychoanalyzing herself to the same kind of degree that a guy psychoanalyzes a woman. We’re coming from asymmetrical points of view on this, and that’s OK. That’s fine. A woman is more in the moment, she doesn’t care to really analyze exactly what’s going on. That ruins the moment for her, and that ruins the whole love connection, relationship thing.
Some women are into analyzing it, but most women are not really that interested in analyzing what it takes to fall in love. It just happens very spontaneously and naturally for them. In fact, most of them can get offended or put off when they see the guy is trying to psychoanalyze them and nitpick and try to pull out the wiring and see what are the actual mechanics of love, sex and attraction.
We’re going to go into that, because this is an analytical video, I’m an analytical guy and this is what guys need to know if they’re struggling. If you’re not struggling, then you probably don’t need to know this stuff. You probably already know it intuitively.
What do women really want? Women want deep emotional intimacy. Every woman really wants this. This is the core of it. This is the nugget. From this, we can then derive other things she wants, but this is ultimately what she’s looking for in a man, and in a relationship.
Women are very social creatures. Women are driven by relationships and emotions, and social interaction — a lot more so than guys are. For women, that’s like fish in water. I’m not saying all women are like that, these are generalisations.
Nevertheless, it’s true that women are very fluid in relationships, they have an easier time in relationships. There’s actually neuroscience that shows that physiologically, the woman’s brain is more adapted to relationship building, and is more adapted to actual verbal cognition. Verbal skills are stronger in females than they are in males, because of the way the brain is wired differently.
The male brain is more wired towards logical analysis. Understanding that is important. Once you understand that, then you see where the woman is coming from and what she wants, and what rubs her the wrong way, and why women behave the way they behave.
Women love people. Women tend to be caring. Women tend to be very free flowing, spontaneous. If they’re feminine and they’ve got a strong feminine energy, then they’re going to be spontaneous and emotional. They’re also going to be nurturing.
They’ve got all these qualities. The reason I’m talking about this is because it’s going to connect us into what women are looking for. You have to understand a woman first, before you can see what she wants, and understand why she wants these things. That’s where a woman is.
What is she really looking for? This is not some magic, or some secret — like there’s one secret thing that a woman wants. No, you’ve got to look at it from the woman’s perspective, in the same way you can look at it from a guy’s perspective. What does a guy want in a girl? He wants everything.
Desires Versus Opportunities
What does a woman want in a man? She wants everything. She wants the full package. Who would say no to everything? The question is, what can she get? The question is, what can you get, as a guy?
There’s always a little bit of adversity here, between what you want and what you get. It’s like an auction system. You have a seller, who puts up an item, and then you have bidders. The seller’s going to get only as much as the bidders are willing to give. It’s like that in an auction, it’s like that on eBay, it’s like that on the stock market, with buyers and sellers of stocks.
It’s actually like that in the sex market, in the dating and relationship market. It is a market. People are out there shopping around. What are they shopping around for? They’re shopping around for the maximum survival of their offsprings. That doesn’t always feel that way.
To a woman, it certainly doesn’t feel like she’s shopping around for maximum survival of her offsprings. If you look at it and you analyze the signs, that’s what’s happening. It’s just that there are a lot of nice emotions involved with it, and the emotions carry you through, and the rest of it happens unconsciously.
A guy is doing the same thing. Most guys are not psychoanalyzing and looking at the signs behind what they’re doing. Nevertheless, there is this core that you’re trying to maximize your reproductive value. To do that, that means you’re trying to find the best possible mate.
What does a woman want? She wants everything. She wants good looks, she wants security, she wants social status. She wants loyalty from the guy. She wants a guy who’s confident. She wants a guy who has humour. She wants a guy who’s detached and not needy with her. She wants a guy who’s edgy and adventurous. She wants a guy who she can have deep, intimate, dirty sex with.
These are the core elements of what a woman wants. If you can give her all of these things, you’re going to be her ideal match. She’s going to love you. Of course, you don’t need to worry too much about trying to give her everything. You don’t need to. In the real world, she’s not going to want everything, because she can’t get everything. She’s going to settle for something.
A guy does this too. A guy, ideally in a woman, he’s going to want a whole list of things. Just like a woman in a man wants certain things, a guy wants certain things in a girl. They’re going to be different, but they’re still going to be equally rigorous. Guys are picky and women are picky. It’s not that one of them is more picky than the other. They’re both equally picky, but they’re picky in different ways.
A woman is picky in these ways. What’s interesting here is that this whole list that I rattled off — I’m going to go into detail into each one of them — what’s interesting is that some of the points on this list are really not as important as they are made out to be in popular culture, in the media, or even as you would think they might be important, or even what a woman would tell you.
If you actually go out there and you study this stuff, and you actually go out and a practical interactions with women, and you go out and date lots of women, what you’re going to discover is the core principles of what a woman really wants in a man. The others, you’re going to discover, are take it or leave it. They’re not deal breakers.
The Non-Critical Attributes
There are certain things in a man that are absolute deal breakers for a woman. Let’s go and talk about that. That’s really fascinating. The first part of this list: good looks, security, social status and loyalty. These are all things you would think a woman would really want in a man.
Good looks — a lot of guys are really hung up about looks. They think they need to improve their looks a lot in order to get a better girl. The next is security. A lot of guys will try to attract a woman with security, and by security we mean money or playing that provider role in her life — doing nice things for her, doing her favours, being the nice guy, just going above and beyond, providing for her financially. There’s that.
Then there’s the third point of social status. Women are attractive to social status. They like a guy who has some sort of social value in society. Not just a bum on the street, but someone who has got a nice career, or he’s got some celebrity, some prestige, some fame. Women are notoriously attracted to that. It totally turns them on.
The next point is loyalty. Women are relationship bound types of creatures. Most women like to be in exclusive relationships. Most women like to be in one-on-one, deep, intimate relationships. This goes back to the original point of what do women want — they want deep emotional intimacy.
The best way for them to get that is in a relationship, because that hits some of the other points too. That gives them more security as well, and of course, boosts reproductive value and chances for their offspring.
Those four points, as important as they may seem, are actually not deal breakers. They’re not that important. If you’re struggling with your looks as a guy, if you’ve got security problems, you didn’t have a lot of money and you don’t have a great career, or if you have no social status, you’re basically a nobody, and if you don’t even want to be loyal to the girl — I would encourage you to hit all those points, but you don’t need to.
In fact, some of the most successful guys don’t hit any of those points at all, and they’re ridiculously successful with women. I’m not just talking about getting lots of average girls. I’m talking about getting the hottest possible supermodel pornstar girls. These guys are ridiculously lethal, and that’s because what they have are these other points on this list.
Those are the deal breakers. They’ve got the deal breakers down, and then the other stuff — it would be nice to have, some guys have it — but if you don’t have it, it’s not very important. Here are the deal breakers. This is where it gets really cool.
Confidence — as a man, if you don’t have confidence, you’re pretty much worthless to a woman. Confidence is so important. Basically, a woman will not date a man whose lower in confidence than she is. Not possible at all. Even if she ends up sleeping with you, or dating you for a little bit, in the end it’s not going to be a match. It’s not going to be a happy long term relationship.
You need to have more confidence than your woman. You need to be strong. You need to be masculine. You need to be a man.
The next point is humour. Women love humour, notoriously so. They’ll tell you this. On this point, they’re actually right. This is something that they really want in a man. The reason they want humour is because women are emotional creatures. What they really want is emotional stimulation.
Emotional stimulation can be both positive and negative. Of course, they want the positive emotions more, although a little bit of negative emotions is still stimulating to them and they enjoy it. They like to have a range of emotions. They’re not like guys, who are just like a flat line emotionally.
Guys are stoic, calm. We’re either happy, sad, angry or horny. Those are the only emotions we have as a guy. Whereas for a woman, there’s a much broader and subtler range of emotions that she likes to go through. Humour and laughing and smiling is so important.
If you can make your woman laugh and be playful with her, adopt a playful attitude towards your relationship with her, then she will love you so much. That’s going to be rare. That’s rare to find in a man. That’s a really critical point.
The next point is detachment. A man needs to be detached from his woman. This is a point that women will actually dispute. They’ll say “Well, I don’t really want a detached guy. What is this detachment thing? It sounds like he’s an asshole and doesn’t care about me.”
That’s not what detachment means. Detachment simply means that you’re a man, and as a man you’re on purpose in your life, and the woman is not primary to your life. Sometimes women will say “But I want to be the center of my man’s life.” That’s not what you really want.
What a woman really wants is her man to be completely grounded, confident, masculine, out there achieving in the world, and then she wants him to be loyal to her, of course, and to be nice and sweet to her and all that. Detachment doesn’t mean you’re an asshole.
I does mean you’re grounded in something outside of your woman. You’re not needy with her. Women will leave needy guys in a second. Not only will they leave them in a second, they won’t even talk to them. They will reject you. Just go out and try it. Go to any bar and any club, be needy with the woman you’ve met for five minutes. She will fucking leave you like the plague.
It’s obnoxious. Do not be needy with women. You have to be detached. This is such a deal breaker. This is maybe one of the biggest deal breakers as far as guys and girls go in the dating scene. If you’re a guy with neediness issues, you need to iron those out.
The next point is: women like guys who are edgy. What does this mean? Guys who are edgy are not the straight laced kind of J.P.Morgan stock broker types. Guys who are edgy are more like the adventurous kind of archetype. He’s the adventurer. He’s the poet, the musician, the artist, the quirky hippy, something like that.
These are stereotypes, but ultimately, what a woman wants there is a sense of newness. The guy is there to infuse her with emotions. In order to do that, who’s going to infuse her with more emotions — some sort of beatnik poet or the guy from J.P.Morgan who sells stocks? Nothing against guys from J.P.Morgan, I’m sure they have interesting lives and Wolf Of Wall Street proves that stock brokers can have an adventurous lifestyle.
The idea is that you want to be interesting. You want to be a little bit dangerous. Women like men who are a little bit dangerous, who challenge them. Women need to be challenged. If the woman is challenging the man in the relationship, that’s backwards. It shows signs of dysfunction. Chances are she’s going to get bored with you as the man, and leave you.
She wants something exciting. She wants a man who is out there doing stuff in the world. Not a guy who just goes to his boring nine-to-five job and comes home, has sex with her and does nothing else. To her, that gets really boring. There’s no emotional stimulation in that. Maybe that works for the guy, but it doesn’t really work well for the girl. She wants titillation.
Intimate, Dirty Sex
Lastly, intimate dirty sex, maybe my favourite. Women love this. They’ll never admit it to you, because it’s socially unacceptable for them to do so. They have a lot of social conditioning that gives them a lot of limiting beliefs about sex.
This is so important. If you can give your woman deep, intimate and dirty sex — and I’m stressing intimate and dirty, those two should come together, they’re kind of a match — if you’ve got both of those and you’re doing that on a regular basis, then she’s going to love you. That alone right there can be enough to get her addicted to you like crack.
All the other points, if you get the sex part right, all the other points, as long as you’re able to attract her and then you get the sex point correct, all the other points you can drop, and you’ll still be able to keep her around for quite a while. Women do really love sex. If you can please her in the bedroom in the right way, then you have a huge advantage over so many other guys.
This is it. These are the points. To recap, the points that are real important, the ones that are deal breakers for a woman if you don’t have are: confidence, humour, detachment, edginess or adventureness and intimate, dirty sex. The points that are not so important and woman will not need them, although she would like them, are: good looks, financial security, social status and loyalty.
Shift Your Focus
If you’ve been having trouble with women, then we can probably understand why. That’s because you’ve been focusing on the wrong points. A lot of guys will build their entire lives around capturing their dream girl by hitting these points that are not really that important to them.
They’re going to go and try to get the best looks they can, maybe try to earn a lot of money. Maybe get some social status in the community, and then promise they’re going to be loyal to the girl, say that they’re going to marry her or whatever.
They think that’s how they’re going to get the girl and keep her happy. That’s not what she really wants. She’ll take those things, but she will leave you in a flash of a second if she finds a guy who’s willing to be with her, who is super confident, humorous and playful, detached from the outcome and adventurous, and gives her intimate and dirty sex.
There’s no comparison about who she’s going to go with. Look at what we’re talking about here. Here, she’s getting tonnes of emotional stimulation. This is what her whole life is about, emotional stimulation being feminine, she gets that ehre.
Here, with the security and the social status — those are nice, those can provide for her. Those can be nice to her on a logical level. Maybe she even needs those things in her life, because maybe she’s strapped for money, or maybe she wants to be part of the social circle you’re a part of.
That’s nice, but there’s so little emotional stimulation in those things, in and of themselves. Realistically, most guys will blend all this together and they’ll be in the middle somewhere. Some guys can be very extreme on one end or the other.
If you’re very extreme here or there, I encourage you to be the full package. That’s what she ultimately wants. She wants the full package. If you want to get the hottest girl you can get — as a guy, you’re looking for a very hot girl, you’re also looking for that intelligent woman you really want, you’re looking for the kind of girl that is going to be girlfriend material, relationship material — if you want that kind of girl, then you’re going to have to grow yourself as a man.
Up Your Game
The better you can become as a man, the more options you’re going to have with higher quality women. The way you do that is you look at these points and tell yourself “OK, what does a woman really want? How good am I on this point? How good is my confidence? How good is my humour? How good is my detachment? How good is my adventureness? How good am I in bed?”
You can also look at looks and social status, and security and loyalty. You can look at those things too. Ideally, try to up every single one of those, max them out to a ten. If you can max all those out to a ten, that’s going to be your best chance at creating the best relationship with the best high quality girl you can find.
I recommend you do that. I think that’s what, ultimately, personal development leads you towards — getting all of these little pieces into place so you can be the best man for your girl. You don’t do that in order to attract her in some sort of sneaky way. You do it because you want to be the best man you can be. You want to have the best girl you can have in your life.
That’s a selfish motive, but still. She wants the same thing. She wants to be a high quality woman and she wants to attract the highest quality man. You guys are really doing the same things, and now you’re meeting together and if you boost all these things up, you’re going to have a really good chance of attracting a really high quality girl.
Ultimately, what a woman wants is the full package. It’s very interesting, because a lot of times it will seem like women are after the good looks, or the security, or the social status. Some women are. Some women will really focus on that.
You, as a guy, do not want to attract a woman based on these factors here, these factors of good looks, security, social status and loyalty. The problem is, if you attract a woman based on that, you might even succeed, for a little bit, but you’re going to be living in very dangerous territory.
She is always going to be emotionally on the look out for that edgy, confident, humorous guy. That’s going to be the problem. You’re going to be the provider for her, and she’s going to like that, logically. She’s going to feel nice with you, but the girl inside her, the feminine energy inside her is going to be pulling every ounce of her being towards the guy who’s really stimulating her emotionally.
That’s why, a lot of times, a woman will leave the boring guy and go for the exciting guy. Don’t blame her for it. That’s what she wants. Blame yourself for the fact you attracted her based on these stupid factors that you thought were really attracting here, but she didn’t really want.
You tricked her into being with you, based on these factors that were not that important to her. Make sure you attract a woman on the factors that are critical, not on the ones that aren’t. If you’re going through and trying to improve yourself on all these factors, focus on the ones that are most important.
Know What To Develop
Focus on your confidence first. Focus on your humour. Focus on your detachment. Focus on your edginess. If you get those things handled, then you’ll handle the money and the other stuff too, but those are really what is going to help you to attract the kind of woman you want.
Ultimately, all of this is leading towards the fact that the woman wants the stud. She wants the guy who can bang a tonne of hot girls, he has a tonne of options. Then, what he does is finds the perfect one in her, and he settles for her. That makes her feel so unique and special. Think about it.
This awesome guy, he’s super confident, he’s funny, he’s playful, he’s not attached to anything, he’s very carefree in the world, he’s going on adventures and having fun with his friends, and he has a lot of experience with other women. Now he finds his dream princess. That dream princess, there she is, and he thinks she’s the most adorable one and the perfect one for him. He chooses her, and he gives up all that for her.
To a woman, that is what she wants. That is the ideal situation. Of course, it can be hard to get that, because usually, a guy like that is also not very interested in settling down and giving up all this for that one girl, because he has so many options with other girls. That’s your choice, whether you want to do that or not. That’s up to you.
I recommend building yourself up as a man in every category, as much as you possibly can. That’s personally my strategy for increasing the quality of my dating. Go ahead and try that out, see how it works for you.
This is Leo. I’m signing off. This is what women really want in a man. Go ahead and post me your comments down below. I’d love to hear what you think. Go ahead and like this. If you like this click the like button, so other people can see it. Share it as well. Throw it on Facebook or something.
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