Why Men Cheat
By Leo Gura - June 18, 2014 | 32 Comments
The reality behind cheating and 8 ways you can keep your man loyal.
Hey, this is Leo from Actualized.org, and in this video I want to talk about why men cheat.
Why do men cheat? This video is for the ladies. I know some of you ladies are really struggling with this. You’re struggling with getting a guy to stick around, to lock him down. Maybe you’ve had situations in the past — a lot of women have — where a guy has cheated on you, and that hurts you very badly.
You don’t understand why they do it. You Think you’re this nice girl, you’re doing everything he wants, you are taking care of your health, maybe you’re even attractive and all this stuff, and he still cheats. Maybe you aren’t those things, and he cheats. There’s many different reasons, and I want to cover my top reasons why I think men cheat.
I want to give you a deeper understanding of what’s really going on here, about male attraction. I think there’s a fundamental problem — women don’t really understand how men think. I see a lot of women thinking they understand how men think, because they’ve heard about it in the culture, or in the media, and they think they understand how men think.
Most women don’t really understand how men properly think. You understand the neutered version of how a man thinks. That’s causing some problems, because as soon as you do start to understand how men think, and what men are attracted to, then it doesn’t become so surprising. You’re not surprised by some of the behaviours men take.
There’s also some factors here you could tweak, some variables you can tweak in your favor, so you can make sure that men don’t cheat on you as often. You can’t guarantee they never will, but you could do some stuff that will certainly help.
Building The Foundation
Let’s build the foundation here. The fundamental foundation is that men are extremely sexual. Most men are, especially if they’re in their twenties, thirties and even forties. The male sex drive is very strong. Men are much more sexual than you think they are. I know you think you know men are sexual, and that seems like it’s obvious.
No, it’s not obvious. They’re much more sexual than you think they are. Your man is extremely sexuaal. He’s also extremely visual. You have to understand that what men are attracted to in the partner they want to be with is very different than what women are attracted to.
The mistake here is to think that what you’re attracted to in a man is what a man is attracted to in you. Wrong assumption. That’s not how it works. What are men attracted to? They’re attracted to the body. They’re attracted to visuals. Men’s attraction is ninety five percent visual. This is critical.
Some women will think that “Well, men are attracted to confidence. Men are attracted to humor and funniness. Men are attracted to a woman who has her life together.” No man is attracted to any of that. Men will like that in their girlfriend. They’ll like that in their wife. They’ll like for a girl to have her life together, but they’re not actually attracted to that.
They’re attracted to her body. They’re attracted to her face. They’re attracted to her ass. That’s what they’re attracted to. The rest is bonus. It’s like the cherry on top of the ice-cream. Don’t make the mistake of inverting that and saying your confidence and funniness and all that is the ice-cream, and the cherry on top is your looks.
That might be the case for you, but that’s not how a man sees it. You’ve got to take a step back here. Leave your ego at the door. I see a lot of women immediately come in with all sorts of responses and rebuttals to this argument, and they keep saying very different counterpoints.
Walk A Mile In His Shoes
Just hear me out. Be very open minded here. This is not how you think, and it can be difficult to understand how the opposite sex thinks, unless you become a little bit empathetic and step into their shoes. I want to really put you through the process of how a man gets attracted.
Here’s how it works. A man is walking down the street. Twenty or thirty feet away, he sees a beautiful girl, the kind of girl he likes. It takes him about this long to get attracted to her. How long did that take? A third of a second? A fourth of a second? Maybe it takes him half a second. Sometimes it will take him one or two seconds, if he’s got other stuff on his mind and he’s busy, that computer processors is churning away on something else.
Or sometimes, if the girl is not very attractive, if she’s borderline attractive it might take him five seconds. He might actually do a little mental analysis and say “She’s got a nice face, but I don’t like her butt. She’s got a nice ass but I don’t like her face.”
Or it’s like “I really like that girl there, but she’s like this hippy chick. I’m not into hippy chicks.” He might do that kind of mental analysis, where it’s not quite as instinctive. Still, it’s fairly distinctive. If she’s really borderline, and he’s really desperate for sex but doesn’t really like her, and he would never take her for a girlfriend, but he would have sex with her one time — in that situation, maybe twenty seconds.
That’s about it. In most cases, it’s literally less than a second. That’s what you actually want it to be. If you want a guy who’s really into you, you want him to get attracted instantly. If it takes him a long time to get attracted to you, he’s not really into you. Be the man here. Put yourself in the man’s shoes.
You instantly get attracted. What does this have to do with cheating? It’s simple logistics. As a woman, how do you get attracted? As a woman, you need to speak with a man for at least a few minutes. You need to get a sense of his character, his masculinity. You have to get a sense of his energy and his vibe. You need to get a sense if he’s funny or not, if he’ll emotionally stimulate you or not.
It takes a while to uncover those details. You don’t get those thirty feet away, without even speaking to a man. As a woman, it takes you thirty minutes, maybe sixty minutes, maybe even a couple of hours or a couple of days of knowing a guy, to really get to know him enough, where you open up and get attracted like “There’s something really funny about him. I like his quirky sense of humour.”
Or like “Oh, he’s really confident in these situations. I’ve seen him in a couple of situations. I really like how confident he is there.” Of course, all of that is going on subconsciously as well. It goes on subconsciously for guys and girls. That processing is going on subconsciously. Maybe there’s a little bubble of consciousness here and there, but mostly subconsciously.
Then you get attracted to him. So you’ve got to be cranked up like a dial. It takes a while to crank you up, to build your attraction. With a guy, it’s instant. What does this mean? This means that just if those are the mechanics, and it’s easier for guys, and a guy can get attracted to a girl from thirty feet away without even talking to her, then that just creates more opportunities.
Sometimes, that’s all you need. That’s one of the big components of this explanation. Guys simply have more opportunities for getting attracted. They get attracted more easily. They’re more likely to find somebody they have chemistry with, and then have sex with them. This isn’t an excuse.
I’m not saying this is why men should cheat on you. I’m simply saying these are the mechanics. This is the reality of the situation. This is how male dating works. Female dating works in a different way. It has different dynamics.
The Science Of Dating
The other thing you’ve got to understand is that there’s a very heavy, evolutionary component to this whole dating and attraction thing. Some women will tend to think of love as this noble ideal, these good emotions and this chemistry you have together — it is those things, but you have to understand what’s underpinning all that.
It’s the evolutionary forces that are underpinning those good emotions you’re feeling, and what you call love. You’ve also got to understand there’s other forces there, besides good emotions. There’s the desire to have the best mate possible. Every one of us, if we’re honest, we’ll admit we want the best mate possible. We always want to date someone out of our league.
We want to date up. Don’t you, if you’re honest about it? If you take a scale of attractiveness and hotness, and value of a man, or a woman, and you graph it out like this, then you can place somewhere within that. Where’s your value along that scale? Let’s say somewhere in the middle.
Where’s your man’s value on that scale? Usually, it’s also somewhere in the middle. The man you attract is going to be about at the same level of value you’re at. If you’re very low value, you’re going to attract a very low value man. It’s going to be hard for you, if you’re low value as a woman, to attract a very high value man.
It’s going to be very difficult because you’re not going to be offering him what other women are. And vice versa: if you’re a low value man, it’s going to be hard to attract a high value women. There’s this kind of a process going on all of the time, in the dating market — guys and girls are trying to find the best they can get, but they can’t get too good, because if they get someone too good, problems start to happen.
Usually, they don’t get the attraction going in the first place. Value for men and women are different things. Men are looking for certain things that are valuable in a woman, and women are looking for certain things that are very different from that in a man.
We all want to date up, so the situation is that if you attract a man who’s much higher value than you, the problem is going to be that he’s going to know that, and he’s always going to be on the lookout for somebody else. It’s the same thing with you. If you attract a man who’s much lower value than you, and you’re higher value, than whether you want to or not, your eye is always going to be on the lookout for someone who’s a little bit higher value.
You’ll want to date the hottest, most attractive, most confident, most masculine guy you can find out there. A guy wants to date the hottest girl he can find out there. That’s just how we’re wired. This is wiring. It’s important not to hold this against men or women.
This is something that happens very unconsciously within us. We’re not choosing this stuff. A man is not choosing to get attracted to the woman that’s walking down the street. He sees her, she’s beautiful to him, and that’s it. In the same way, a woman doesn’t choose to get attracted to a man because a man might come by at a party, have a very good charisma and energy to him, and she gets attracted after a few minutes.
She gets attracted because that personality is something she finds very masculine and strong and confident and attractive. She wants to be a part of that. She wants to be a part of that masculine energy. All of us want to date up. Don’t be too self-righteous about this stuff. Women also cheat on men.
It’s not a problem that only men cheat. Women also cheat. They cheat quite a lot. But I would assume — I don’t have any numbers — I’d assume men cheat more. The reason for that is because they’re visual. They get attracted much more easily than women do. I think that is the key explanation.
That’s the foundation. A little extra piece of that foundation is that, evolutionarily speaking, we’re not a monogamous species. I’ll shoot another video about that, because that’s a very deep topic. There’s a lot of science that goes on to make this point.
You can take a look at the signs. You can read books and different research they’ve done. It’s pretty clear that, within the animal kingdom, there are various types of sexual relationships going on. Some animals are monogamous. Some animals are polyamorous. Some animals are polygamous. Various combinations like that.
What are human beings? Human beings are not monogamous. Human beings are also not naturally polygamous. Human beings are in the middle. They’re polyamorous. What does that mean? That means that we have multiple sexual partners, and our relationships don’t tend to last long. We like to screw around. We’re basically sluts. We’re the sluts of the animal kingdom.
This makes a lot of sense, because for example, even if you take a look at primates, you take a look at various species in the primate kingdom, like chimpanzees, and gorillas, and other primates, you’ll see that certain anatomical features correspond to the mating style of that species.
For examples, with gorillas, they live in troops where the one male has sex with a lot of females. That’s a polygamous type of situation. In that situation, the male testicles are very small. They don’t need large testicles, because they’re not competing with other males to inseminate females.
Take the opposite end of that spectrum — you’ve got chimpanzees, who are extremely promiscuous. They have sex with everyone, all the time. There’s no sense of relationship going on with chimpanzees.
In that kind of environment, the anatomical features that correspond to that is that the males have extremely large testicles, because they’re always competing to inseminate females. They need large testicles to carry large quantities of semen.
Human beings are actually in the middle. Our testicle size is closer to a chimpanzee than a gorilla, but we’re in the middle there. Why am I saying all this? It’s not to shatter your hopes of a monogamous relationship, or a marriage, or anything like that. If you want that, you can have that.
All I’m saying is that that’s kind of where our natural needle is settled. That’s our default position. You could move away from that default position, but the more you move away from human nature, the more trouble you’re going to run into.
Just keep that in mind. We’re trying to create these long term relationships, we’re trying to make them last and it’s difficult. It’s difficult because we’re not really wired for it. Neither men are, nor women. We’re trying to do this artificial thing.
That’s the foundation. Here are the top actual, specific reasons that men might cheat on you, in a specific situation. Everything I told you up to this point, that was nice theory, good understanding, but you can’t really change that. That’s human nature. You’re not going to change human nature.
That might make you feel a little bit depressed. You might say “Well Leo, you told me all this stuff, but I’m really interested in finding that one guy for me. How is this helping me? You’re just making me miserable and depressed. You’re making me feel even worse about my chances of finding that right guy.”
Don’t worry. Here’s the stuff you can actually take some action on. That’s just human nature. You can’t do anything about that. You can do something about this. The top reasons: reason number one and number two and number three all have to do with sex.
Reason number one is that you’re giving him bad sex. The sex is bad. Reason number two is that the sex is stale, which is different from being bad. It’s stale. That means that it was good before, and now it’s bad. Reason number three is that you’re giving him no sex at all. Your relationship has devolved to the point where there’s no sex going on.
These three points — I’m going to tell you the rest of the points so you have some context. Then we’re going to go into some depth on each one. Those are the first three. The next one is that you’re overweight, you’re gaining too much weight, or you’re letting your appearance and your looks, you’re letting that go.
You’re letting yourself go too much. He’s losing attraction, visually, to you. The point after that is the passion is gone. The sex might be missing, but also excitement in the relationship, non-sexual passion. That might be gone. Or maybe it wasn’t there in the beginning.
The next point is that it’s just there. If a woman — you’ve got to understand — if a man is offered sex on a silver platter, if some beautiful women just comes up to him and says “Hey, would you like to have sex with em right now?” — I don’t care how loyal that guy is. I don’t care how moral that guy is. I don’t care how much he’s in love with you. He’s going to be very tempted, at the very least.
Most guys will probably have sex. Maybe if he’s very committed to you he’ll think really hard about it, but he’ll really have to go against his nature. Sometimes, you’ve got to understand, if it’s just offered to him, if he ends up being in a situation where sex can happen easily, he’s most likely going to take that.
The next point is he’s trading up. He might be in a relationship with you right now, because you’re giving him some easy sex and it’s nice, but he’s on the lookout for something better. Maybe he really knows that he wants something better. He wants something more attractive. Or maybe he knows you’re lower value, he’s higher value, and he’s looking to close that gap with somebody else.
That’s why it’s important to always be dating somebody who’s reasonably within your league. If the difference in value between you two is very drastic, it’s going to be tough to hold that together. One or the other of you is going to be tempted to trade up.
The next point is that he’s drunk. I don’t drink. I’ve never really drank, but a lot of guys do. They go about partying, Friday/Saturday night, they drink, stuff happens and sex is just offered. It’s easy, it’s convenient. They get with another drunk girl and it happens. Of course, this isn’t an excuse, but it’s a major reason. It’s very hard to hold back your natural urges when you’re wasted.
The last point is bad character. He just simply has bad character. What does this mean? No matter even if the guy’s attracted to you, some guys out there are just scumbags. Just like women are. There are bad people in the world — people who aren’t moral, people who don’t really care about being honest, people who will lie constantly.
If you run into a character like that, and you’re not really good at screening character and people, then you might run into people that you get into relationships with that are going to cheat on you simply because that’s how they live life. They cheat, not just with you, but other areas of life. Sometimes a cheater is just a cheater. You’ve got to look out for that as well.
How To Act
Those are the points. Make sure the sex is good. Make sure it’s not stale. Make sure there’s excitement going on. Make sure that from the very beginning the sex is awesome. Make sure you’re good in bed. Make sure you study and learn how to please a man in bed. If you can please a man in bed, in a way that other women can’t, wow… That’s a very good way to lock him down.
A man will really think twice about trading you up when he says to himself “Oh man, she’s amazing in bed. Very few women are that amazing in bed.” That’s going to make him think twice about sleeping with that other girl. I guarantee it.
If there’s no sex in your relationship at all.. wow. Don’t even expect your guy to stick around. That’s pretty much disaster going on right there. I don’t even know why you want him to stick around if there’s no sex going on. That already shows dysfunction. Sometimes marriages will turn into this. You start having sex in your relationship once a day, then once every two days, then three times a week, then one time a week, then one time a month, and then never.
If that’s what your relationship is like, you’re having sex once a month or once a year, that’s a big red flag right there. You need to fix that or don’t expect him to stick around. Your weight — if you’re letting yourself go in the looks department — I know a lot of people are overweight these days because it’s very easy, given the culture and how it stimulates with all the nasty garbage food you’re eating.
Get yourself into shape. Be fit for your man. There’s nothing that a man likes more than when his girlfriend is nice and fit and attractive and beautiful looking. That’s what he wants there. Every man wants that. I don’t care who he is. If he doesn’t want that, then he’s full of shit. He’s lying to you. He wants a fit woman. Make sure you take care of your nutrition. Make sure you take care of your exercise so that you look good.
Make sure there’s adventure and excitement going on in the relationship. Make sure that it’s not just him taking you on dates, but you coming up with ideas too. It always helps when the girls is coming up with stuff to do. Keeps more of the passion alive, because the passion does tend to get lower as the relationship ages.
Tune Your Radar
Other than that, screen for those bad characters. Make sure your guy isn’t going out and getting wasted every night. If he is, it’s just going to be a matter of time before he ends up sleeping with somebody. Don’t be too paranoid. I don’t want to make you a paranoid. I want to use this video to make you more grounded and confident in yourself.
Sometimes guys will cheat on you. Sometimes girls will cheat on guys. Maybe guys do it more often than girls. In the end, that’s part of human nature. You can’t change that. It’s better to just accept that it’s a reality, that it could always happen. Then take care of some of these points you do have control over, like the quality of the sex, how you look, the passion you bring into the relationship, screening for bad characters.
If you do those things, then you’re going to do everything you can. I don’t want you to be bitter towards men. I want you to just say “Oh, OK. This is how a guy thinks. This is why it happens. I got a little bit more clarity and insight now into how this works. This are just some of the mechanics of life, and it’s OK. I don’t need to be bitter about it. I don’t need to be hyper vigilant about it. I don’t need to assume every man is going to cheat on me, because all those are dysfunctional modes of being in a relationship.”
You don’t want that. If you approach a relationship from one of those angles, it’s just going to hasten your chances of being cheated on. Don’t do that. Go in there expecting the best of your man, but also watch out for some of these factors, some of these red flags that are going on.
This is Leo. This is why men cheat. I’m signing off. Go ahead and post me your comments down below. I’d love to hear what women think about this. Also, please like this. Click the like button right now. Share it with a friend so we can get more people seeing these videos, so I can release more.
Come sign up and check out the newsletter and the website, Actualized.org. You can sign up to my free newsletter. I’m releasing new videos just like this one, every single week. Lots of content, I plan on doing a lot of exclusive stuff for my subscribers, building up the website a lot right now.
Come check that out. Browse all the videos. Sign up, because my goal is to help you create a really passionate life. To create a life you’re really proud of, that you’re really excited about. Whatever that is for you — if it’s a relationship, I want to help you do that. If it’s a career, I want to help you do that. If it’s your fitness level and nutrition, I want to help you do that. Whatever you want in your life, I want to give you the mindsets you need to be successful in that, give you the motivation, give you the passion.
For me, that’s been the biggest thing that’s made a huge change in my life in the last five years, that I’ve learned these advanced mindsets and my results in life had taken off. From relationships, to my money situation, to my career, to the level of excitement I have in my life. It’s just amazing, the level of happiness I have.
I want that for you. Go ahead and sign up, you’re going to be on track with receiving all my updates. That will be something that will transform your life if you just stick with it every single week.