Why Men Cheat

By Leo Gura - June 18, 2014 | 32 Comments

The reality behind cheating and 8 ways you can keep your man loyal.

Video Transcript

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Hey, this is Leo from Actualized.org, and in this video I want to talk about why men cheat.

Why do men cheat? This video is for the ladies. I know some of you ladies are really struggling with this. You’re struggling with getting a guy to stick around, to lock him down. Maybe you’ve had situations in the past — a lot of women have — where a guy has cheated on you, and that hurts you very badly.

You don’t understand why they do it. You Think you’re this nice girl, you’re doing everything he wants, you are taking care of your health, maybe you’re even attractive and all this stuff, and he still cheats. Maybe you aren’t those things, and he cheats. There’s many different reasons, and I want to cover my top reasons why I think men cheat.

I want to give you a deeper understanding of what’s really going on here, about male attraction. I think there’s a fundamental problem — women don’t really understand how men think. I see a lot of women thinking they understand how men think, because they’ve heard about it in the culture, or in the media, and they think they understand how men think.

Most women don’t really understand how men properly think. You understand the neutered version of how a man thinks. That’s causing some problems, because as soon as you do start to understand how men think, and what men are attracted to, then it doesn’t become so surprising. You’re not surprised by some of the behaviours men take.

There’s also some factors here you could tweak, some variables you can tweak in your favor, so you can make sure that men don’t cheat on you as often. You can’t guarantee they never will, but you could do some stuff that will certainly help.

Building The Foundation

Let’s build the foundation here. The fundamental foundation is that men are extremely sexual. Most men are, especially if they’re in their twenties, thirties and even forties. The male sex drive is very strong. Men are much more sexual than you think they are. I know you think you know men are sexual, and that seems like it’s obvious.

No, it’s not obvious. They’re much more sexual than you think they are. Your man is extremely sexuaal. He’s also extremely visual. You have to understand that what men are attracted to in the partner they want to be with is very different than what women are attracted to.

The mistake here is to think that what you’re attracted to in a man is what a man is attracted to in you. Wrong assumption. That’s not how it works. What are men attracted to? They’re attracted to the body. They’re attracted to visuals. Men’s attraction is ninety five percent visual. This is critical.

Some women will think that “Well, men are attracted to confidence. Men are attracted to humor and funniness. Men are attracted to a woman who has her life together.” No man is attracted to any of that. Men will like that in their girlfriend. They’ll like that in their wife. They’ll like for a girl to have her life together, but they’re not actually attracted to that.

They’re attracted to her body. They’re attracted to her face. They’re attracted to her ass. That’s what they’re attracted to. The rest is bonus. It’s like the cherry on top of the ice-cream. Don’t make the mistake of inverting that and saying your confidence and funniness and all that is the ice-cream, and the cherry on top is your looks.

That might be the case for you, but that’s not how a man sees it. You’ve got to take a step back here. Leave your ego at the door. I see a lot of women immediately come in with all sorts of responses and rebuttals to this argument, and they keep saying very different counterpoints.

Walk A Mile In His Shoes

Just hear me out. Be very open minded here. This is not how you think, and it can be difficult to understand how the opposite sex thinks, unless you become a little bit empathetic and step into their shoes. I want to really put you through the process of how a man gets attracted.

Here’s how it works. A man is walking down the street. Twenty or thirty feet away, he sees a beautiful girl, the kind of girl he likes. It takes him about this long to get attracted to her. How long did that take? A third of a second? A fourth of a second? Maybe it takes him half a second. Sometimes it will take him one or two seconds, if he’s got other stuff on his mind and he’s busy, that computer processors is churning away on something else.

Or sometimes, if the girl is not very attractive, if she’s borderline attractive it might take him five seconds. He might actually do a little mental analysis and say “She’s got a nice face, but I don’t like her butt. She’s got a nice ass but I don’t like her face.”

Or it’s like “I really like that girl there, but she’s like this hippy chick. I’m not into hippy chicks.” He might do that kind of mental analysis, where it’s not quite as instinctive. Still, it’s fairly distinctive. If she’s really borderline, and he’s really desperate for sex but doesn’t really like her, and he would never take her for a girlfriend, but he would have sex with her one time — in that situation, maybe twenty seconds.

That’s about it. In most cases, it’s literally less than a second. That’s what you actually want it to be. If you want a guy who’s really into you, you want him to get attracted instantly. If it takes him a long time to get attracted to you, he’s not really into you. Be the man here. Put yourself in the man’s shoes.

You instantly get attracted. What does this have to do with cheating? It’s simple logistics. As a woman, how do you get attracted? As a woman, you need to speak with a man for at least a few minutes. You need to get a sense of his character, his masculinity. You have to get a sense of his energy and his vibe. You need to get a sense if he’s funny or not, if he’ll emotionally stimulate you or not.

It takes a while to uncover those details. You don’t get those thirty feet away, without even speaking to a man. As a woman, it takes you thirty minutes, maybe sixty minutes, maybe even a couple of hours or a couple of days of knowing a guy, to really get to know him enough, where you open up and get attracted like “There’s something really funny about him. I like his quirky sense of humour.”

Or like “Oh, he’s really confident in these situations. I’ve seen him in a couple of situations. I really like how confident he is there.” Of course, all of that is going on subconsciously as well. It goes on subconsciously for guys and girls. That processing is going on subconsciously. Maybe there’s a little bubble of consciousness here and there, but mostly subconsciously.

Then you get attracted to him. So you’ve got to be cranked up like a dial. It takes a while to crank you up, to build your attraction. With a guy, it’s instant. What does this mean? This means that just if those are the mechanics, and it’s easier for guys, and a guy can get attracted to a girl from thirty feet away without even talking to her, then that just creates more opportunities.

Sometimes, that’s all you need. That’s one of the big components of this explanation. Guys simply have more opportunities for getting attracted. They get attracted more easily. They’re more likely to find somebody they have chemistry with, and then have sex with them. This isn’t an excuse.

I’m not saying this is why men should cheat on you. I’m simply saying these are the mechanics. This is the reality of the situation. This is how male dating works. Female dating works in a different way. It has different dynamics.

The Science Of Dating

The other thing you’ve got to understand is that there’s a very heavy, evolutionary component to this whole dating and attraction thing. Some women will tend to think of love as this noble ideal, these good emotions and this chemistry you have together — it is those things, but you have to understand what’s underpinning all that.

It’s the evolutionary forces that are underpinning those good emotions you’re feeling, and what you call love. You’ve also got to understand there’s other forces there, besides good emotions. There’s the desire to have the best mate possible. Every one of us, if we’re honest, we’ll admit we want the best mate possible. We always want to date someone out of our league.

We want to date up. Don’t you, if you’re honest about it? If you take a scale of attractiveness and hotness, and value of a man, or a woman, and you graph it out like this, then you can place somewhere within that. Where’s your value along that scale? Let’s say somewhere in the middle.

Where’s your man’s value on that scale? Usually, it’s also somewhere in the middle. The man you attract is going to be about at the same level of value you’re at. If you’re very low value, you’re going to attract a very low value man. It’s going to be hard for you, if you’re low value as a woman, to attract a very high value man.

It’s going to be very difficult because you’re not going to be offering him what other women are. And vice versa: if you’re a low value man, it’s going to be hard to attract a high value women. There’s this kind of a process going on all of the time, in the dating market — guys and girls are trying to find the best they can get, but they can’t get too good, because if they get someone too good, problems start to happen.

Usually, they don’t get the attraction going in the first place. Value for men and women are different things. Men are looking for certain things that are valuable in a woman, and women are looking for certain things that are very different from that in a man.

We all want to date up, so the situation is that if you attract a man who’s much higher value than you, the problem is going to be that he’s going to know that, and he’s always going to be on the lookout for somebody else. It’s the same thing with you. If you attract a man who’s much lower value than you, and you’re higher value, than whether you want to or not, your eye is always going to be on the lookout for someone who’s a little bit higher value.

You’ll want to date the hottest, most attractive, most confident, most masculine guy you can find out there. A guy wants to date the hottest girl he can find out there. That’s just how we’re wired. This is wiring. It’s important not to hold this against men or women.

Unconscious Attraction

This is something that happens very unconsciously within us. We’re not choosing this stuff. A man is not choosing to get attracted to the woman that’s walking down the street. He sees her, she’s beautiful to him, and that’s it. In the same way, a woman doesn’t choose to get attracted to a man because a man might come by at a party, have a very good charisma and energy to him, and she gets attracted after a few minutes.

She gets attracted because that personality is something she finds very masculine and strong and confident and attractive. She wants to be a part of that. She wants to be a part of that masculine energy. All of us want to date up. Don’t be too self-righteous about this stuff. Women also cheat on men.

It’s not a problem that only men cheat. Women also cheat. They cheat quite a lot. But I would assume — I don’t have any numbers — I’d assume men cheat more. The reason for that is because they’re visual. They get attracted much more easily than women do. I think that is the key explanation.

That’s the foundation. A little extra piece of that foundation is that, evolutionarily speaking, we’re not a monogamous species. I’ll shoot another video about that, because that’s a very deep topic. There’s a lot of science that goes on to make this point.

You can take a look at the signs. You can read books and different research they’ve done. It’s pretty clear that, within the animal kingdom, there are various types of sexual relationships going on. Some animals are monogamous. Some animals are polyamorous. Some animals are polygamous. Various combinations like that.

What are human beings? Human beings are not monogamous. Human beings are also not naturally polygamous. Human beings are in the middle. They’re polyamorous. What does that mean? That means that we have multiple sexual partners, and our relationships don’t tend to last long. We like to screw around. We’re basically sluts. We’re the sluts of the animal kingdom.

This makes a lot of sense, because for example, even if you take a look at primates, you take a look at various species in the primate kingdom, like chimpanzees, and gorillas, and other primates, you’ll see that certain anatomical features correspond to the mating style of that species.

Monkey Business

For examples, with gorillas, they live in troops where the one male has sex with a lot of females. That’s a polygamous type of situation. In that situation, the male testicles are very small. They don’t need large testicles, because they’re not competing with other males to inseminate females.

Take the opposite end of that spectrum — you’ve got chimpanzees, who are extremely promiscuous. They have sex with everyone, all the time. There’s no sense of relationship going on with chimpanzees.

In that kind of environment, the anatomical features that correspond to that is that the males have extremely large testicles, because they’re always competing to inseminate females. They need large testicles to carry large quantities of semen.

Human beings are actually in the middle. Our testicle size is closer to a chimpanzee than a gorilla, but we’re in the middle there. Why am I saying all this? It’s not to shatter your hopes of a monogamous relationship, or a marriage, or anything like that. If you want that, you can have that.

All I’m saying is that that’s kind of where our natural needle is settled. That’s our default position. You could move away from that default position, but the more you move away from human nature, the more trouble you’re going to run into.

Just keep that in mind. We’re trying to create these long term relationships, we’re trying to make them last and it’s difficult. It’s difficult because we’re not really wired for it. Neither men are, nor women. We’re trying to do this artificial thing.

That’s the foundation. Here are the top actual, specific reasons that men might cheat on you, in a specific situation. Everything I told you up to this point, that was nice theory, good understanding, but you can’t really change that. That’s human nature. You’re not going to change human nature.

That might make you feel a little bit depressed. You might say “Well Leo, you told me all this stuff, but I’m really interested in finding that one guy for me. How is this helping me? You’re just making me miserable and depressed. You’re making me feel even worse about my chances of finding that right guy.”

The Reasons

Don’t worry. Here’s the stuff you can actually take some action on. That’s just human nature. You can’t do anything about that. You can do something about this. The top reasons: reason number one and number two and number three all have to do with sex.

Reason number one is that you’re giving him bad sex. The sex is bad. Reason number two is that the sex is stale, which is different from being bad. It’s stale. That means that it was good before, and now it’s bad. Reason number three is that you’re giving him no sex at all. Your relationship has devolved to the point where there’s no sex going on.

These three points — I’m going to tell you the rest of the points so you have some context. Then we’re going to go into some depth on each one. Those are the first three. The next one is that you’re overweight, you’re gaining too much weight, or you’re letting your appearance and your looks, you’re letting that go.

You’re letting yourself go too much. He’s losing attraction, visually, to you. The point after that is the passion is gone. The sex might be missing, but also excitement in the relationship, non-sexual passion. That might be gone. Or maybe it wasn’t there in the beginning.

The next point is that it’s just there. If a woman — you’ve got to understand — if a man is offered sex on a silver platter, if some beautiful women just comes up to him and says “Hey, would you like to have sex with em right now?” — I don’t care how loyal that guy is. I don’t care how moral that guy is. I don’t care how much he’s in love with you. He’s going to be very tempted, at the very least.

Most guys will probably have sex. Maybe if he’s very committed to you he’ll think really hard about it, but he’ll really have to go against his nature. Sometimes, you’ve got to understand, if it’s just offered to him, if he ends up being in a situation where sex can happen easily, he’s most likely going to take that.

The next point is he’s trading up. He might be in a relationship with you right now, because you’re giving him some easy sex and it’s nice, but he’s on the lookout for something better. Maybe he really knows that he wants something better. He wants something more attractive. Or maybe he knows you’re lower value, he’s higher value, and he’s looking to close that gap with somebody else.

That’s why it’s important to always be dating somebody who’s reasonably within your league. If the difference in value between you two is very drastic, it’s going to be tough to hold that together. One or the other of you is going to be tempted to trade up.

The next point is that he’s drunk. I don’t drink. I’ve never really drank, but a lot of guys do. They go about partying, Friday/Saturday night, they drink, stuff happens and sex is just offered. It’s easy, it’s convenient. They get with another drunk girl and it happens. Of course, this isn’t an excuse, but it’s a major reason. It’s very hard to hold back your natural urges when you’re wasted.

The last point is bad character. He just simply has bad character. What does this mean? No matter even if the guy’s attracted to you, some guys out there are just scumbags. Just like women are. There are bad people in the world — people who aren’t moral, people who don’t really care about being honest, people who will lie constantly.

If you run into a character like that, and you’re not really good at screening character and people, then you might run into people that you get into relationships with that are going to cheat on you simply because that’s how they live life. They cheat, not just with you, but other areas of life. Sometimes a cheater is just a cheater. You’ve got to look out for that as well.

How To Act

Those are the points. Make sure the sex is good. Make sure it’s not stale. Make sure there’s excitement going on. Make sure that from the very beginning the sex is awesome. Make sure you’re good in bed. Make sure you study and learn how to please a man in bed. If you can please a man in bed, in a way that other women can’t, wow… That’s a very good way to lock him down.

A man will really think twice about trading you up when he says to himself “Oh man, she’s amazing in bed. Very few women are that amazing in bed.” That’s going to make him think twice about sleeping with that other girl. I guarantee it.

If there’s no sex in your relationship at all.. wow. Don’t even expect your guy to stick around. That’s pretty much disaster going on right there. I don’t even know why you want him to stick around if there’s no sex going on. That already shows dysfunction. Sometimes marriages will turn into this. You start having sex in your relationship once a day, then once every two days, then three times a week, then one time a week, then one time a month, and then never.

If that’s what your relationship is like, you’re having sex once a month or once a year, that’s a big red flag right there. You need to fix that or don’t expect him to stick around. Your weight — if you’re letting yourself go in the looks department — I know a lot of people are overweight these days because it’s very easy, given the culture and how it stimulates with all the nasty garbage food you’re eating.

Get yourself into shape. Be fit for your man. There’s nothing that a man likes more than when his girlfriend is nice and fit and attractive and beautiful looking. That’s what he wants there. Every man wants that. I don’t care who he is. If he doesn’t want that, then he’s full of shit. He’s lying to you. He wants a fit woman. Make sure you take care of your nutrition. Make sure you take care of your exercise so that you look good.

Make sure there’s adventure and excitement going on in the relationship. Make sure that it’s not just him taking you on dates, but you coming up with ideas too. It always helps when the girls is coming up with stuff to do. Keeps more of the passion alive, because the passion does tend to get lower as the relationship ages.

Tune Your Radar

Other than that, screen for those bad characters. Make sure your guy isn’t going out and getting wasted every night. If he is, it’s just going to be a matter of time before he ends up sleeping with somebody. Don’t be too paranoid. I don’t want to make you a paranoid. I want to use this video to make you more grounded and confident in yourself.

Sometimes guys will cheat on you. Sometimes girls will cheat on guys. Maybe guys do it more often than girls. In the end, that’s part of human nature. You can’t change that. It’s better to just accept that it’s a reality, that it could always happen. Then take care of some of these points you do have control over, like the quality of the sex, how you look, the passion you bring into the relationship, screening for bad characters.

If you do those things, then you’re going to do everything you can. I don’t want you to be bitter towards men. I want you to just say “Oh, OK. This is how a guy thinks. This is why it happens. I got a little bit more clarity and insight now into how this works. This are just some of the mechanics of life, and it’s OK. I don’t need to be bitter about it. I don’t need to be hyper vigilant about it. I don’t need to assume every man is going to cheat on me, because all those are dysfunctional modes of being in a relationship.”

You don’t want that. If you approach a relationship from one of those angles, it’s just going to hasten your chances of being cheated on. Don’t do that. Go in there expecting the best of your man, but also watch out for some of these factors, some of these red flags that are going on.

Wrap Up

This is Leo. This is why men cheat. I’m signing off. Go ahead and post me your comments down below. I’d love to hear what women think about this. Also, please like this. Click the like button right now. Share it with a friend so we can get more people seeing these videos, so I can release more.

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Comments
(32)
Laura says:

Good info. Like your insights. Very truthful, and I’m going to share with some friends.
LB

Leo Gura says:

Thanks for sharing, Laura

Jodi says:

Ahhh, they said I’m spam…….lol

Leo Gura says:

I’m sorry. I’ll have to look at the spam filters to make sure this doesn’t happen. Thanks for letting me know.

evan says:

Thank you
You’re a genius, this is not a compliment
I tell the truth, I have not read in my life such topics with a deep character in depth in life
Thank you

Illya frank says:

Very interesting learnt something new. Thanks.

VJ says:

Sorry, Leo, but this was a complete miss.

I’ve listened to and benefited from a lot of your videos–you’ve clearly integrated and thought deeply about a lot of philosophical and success topics. This, however, isn’t one of them.

The research about monogamy in human evolution is much more nuanced than you’ve talked about here; there’s strong evidence that pair bonding–at least serially–was probably the norm, and that for most males, the better (and adopted) strategy was to focus his resources on one female and their mutual children rather than to expend his energy having multiple children with multiple women, only to have fewer survive into adulthood because they weren’t provided with enough food, protection, etc.

But that’s not even important: homo sapiens also spent a million years evolving to eat raw meat, live outdoors, and kill any stranger who was competing for food, and unless I’ve missed some recent Safeway massacres, we’ve all kind of agreed not to do that anymore.

If one defines “cheat” as I believe you meant to here–to have sex with someone while in a mutually committed relationship with someone else–it’s never about the person who was cheated ON. It’s about the character of the person (in your multiple examples, man) who does the cheating.

In a typical COMMITTED relationship, where both parties have agreed to forsake all others, if only for the duration, there’s no contingency clause that allows you to cheat if your girlfriend gets fat. There’s no sexual 3 second rule that makes it forgivable, excusable, or even “normal” because you got drunk and horny.

Any man, or woman, for that matter, who has made a real commitment to be monogamous and then chooses to behave as if he did not isn’t acting, as you repeated imply here, as his ancestry and hormones demand. He’s acting selfishly and without integrity to an agreement he’s made.

You talk so much about controlling one’s thoughts an emotions, and then practically give men a pass when they won’t control their impulses to cheat (“Most men will find it nearly impossible to resist an offer of easy sex”? Really? How about schooling them on how to do that?). And not just that, but you then explain to the women who find themselves in this situation–where a promise has been made and then flat-out broken–that it’s probably because they’re fat, or flabby, or don’t give it up enough.

Cheating, again in the context of an actual committed relationship as opposed to a more casual one, is obviously devastating (often financially and practically as well as emotionally) to the betrayed person. But is says a LOT more about the cheater than the cheatee. A man who’s unhappy enough with his girlfriend’s fat ass to cheat, but hides his infidelity because he also wants to keep whatever benefits she IS offering, is a man without integrity.

Gentlemen, feel free to put it wherever it feels good, but don’t at the same time keep your girlfriend/wife (or, let’s be inclusive, boyfriend/husband) around thinking that she’s the only one. Put those mid-sized balls to use and be honest–either fix the relationship you’re in or end it. When you try to have it both ways, you’re not doing what evolution demands: you’re lying, hiding, taking advantage, manipulating, and probably quite the opposite of self-actualized.

Claudia says:

Hi Leo,

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with us.

One thing that I would like to add here if I may… I often hear girls saying about their partner choice to cheat on them with “She is ugly.. I don’t understand what he sees in her? She is definitely not my competition”. And most of the time is true… As you focus so much on look and hygiene, I am really interested in hearing your opinion…

Also, why are intelligent men attracted to less intelligent girls? ( I don’t want to be rude here )

Thank you.
Claudia

Brendina says:

I think the ‘ugly’ girls you are referring to might be ‘fabulous’ in bed. Just saying.

Denise says:

I strongly feel that if a man is not keeping a woman’s interest in a relationship, she should dump him cold.

Personally, I don’t have time for someone who takes me for granted and expects me to service him whatever his reason may be. Like many other women, I tolerated bad sex as expected when I was married. I’ll never do that again. As a woman, like any other human being, I am entitled to good sex. That means a good and attentive partner in all aspects of my life.

When entering a relationship, I make it perfectly clear that if I ever have bad sex once, he’s out, gone for good and only “just friends”.

I’ve had two 3 relationships since my marriage, two lasting 2 years, and one lasting 7 years. I have been true to my word.

Furthermore, as a woman, I am highly visual. Most women will not admit this as we have been brought up not to bruise the male ego. I know when a man starts to loose confidence in the bedroom because he’s getting fat, the minute you mention to your guy the obvious, that he is getting fat, he will try to prove himself with another woman. I don’t really care. I’ve already lost interest. Furthermore, if he’s fat and embarrassed in bed with me, that’s what he’s going to give to another woman. So, he’s going to have to find someone to use him for his money if he has any.

I want a man who is not ashamed for me to look at him. If he is confident, then he will be good in bed. Yes, the quality of sex is important to me. If it’s not there, he’s just a friend and nothing more. Most men expect women to understand and abide by these laws, but excuse themselves.

It is not too much to ask someone to stay in shape and look their best. It is also not too much to ask that you enjoy the company and partnership of the man you are involved with. If you have neither of those, sex will be bad and not tolerated.

So, do I really care if a man cheats or not? NO. I could care less. Everything he does has already determined if I will stay with him or not, not if he will stay with me.

So, let’s say my guy has gotten dumpy and isn’t quite as interesting as he was before, if what he chooses to do about it is flirt with other women, he’s gone by that evening. I will not tolerate having to prop up a man’s weak ego. To do so is accepting many forms of abuse.

I’m not rude. When my guy starts letting himself go, I’ll choose what muscle tone he has left and tell him how much I enjoy looking at those parts of his body and say what I really enjoyed looking at before and how those things made me feel. I’ll invite him to work out with me, or to get involved in my physical activity. Generally he’ll start whining about my workout time, then he’ll start flirting with less attractive women. That’s when I know it’s time for him to leave as I understand fully he wants me to fall apart with him. I like my body and having full use of it. I like my health. If he is intimidated by what he once appreciated, he needs to go.

Denise says:

Yes, Leo, I totally agree with both VJ and Claudia.

Furthermore, the only men who cheat are those with diminished self confidence. Generally that is related to their physical shape.

As well, when men don’t have to work for sex as in actively engaging with a woman, they become both boring and bored. I find being totally honest yet kind with my guy works wonderfully. For instance, if he wants sex on demand, I’ll tell him the truth, that I know he’s in the mood, but I’m not just now, but I am enjoying his attention. Then I will ask him to do something else with me until I am in the mood. Sometimes that takes 15 minutes, sometimes it takes a couple of weeks or a couple of months. It is all contingent upon how much time he takes.

If he says he doesn’t have time to engage with me, I’ll tell him that’s what professionals are for and that he can find them in the phone book. If he says he’s not going to pay a professional, then I tell him if he wants sex for service, he can pay me. That really makes them start thinking, lol.

Men want to feel good about themselves, they want a challenge they feel they can achieve, and they want emotional connection. They are no different from women. If a man can have sex with a woman any time he wants, he grows bored. If women give sex to a man whenever he wants, she grows bored as he’s done nothing to interest her.

It is good to be honest in a gentle, encouraging, and loving way. If that does not work, as yelling, demands, or anything negative will not do anything but add further poison, it’s time to leave.

Commitment? I am committed only as long and to what degree he is.

I like you’re other videos, but you’re way off on this as you failed to consider the woman.

Cornelia says:

What about married men?
My husband cheated on my twice after I was raped. He couldn’t handle it or wanted revenge or something. We’re trying to work it out and he’s done acting out, I can tell.
But forgiveness and understanding why he did this, that’s a little more difficult.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Leo Gura says:

Why not ask him?

Cornelia says:

I did. He was angry and emasculated. In so much pain he wanted and needed to distract himself. He is sorry and remorseful and knows it was wrong. That’s nice.

Alex says:

I agree with some points Leo. People cheat because they don’t know how to make themselves feel good, otherwise they would just jerk off. That’s why people have relationships in the first place, because they are looking for someone else/ something external to give them a high which they can’t give themselves. So if someone cheats it’s a good indication they are a low functioning human, or they have NPD.

You shouldn’t be hurt/ offended if someone cheats- It’s not their job to make you feel good. It’s your job.

Leo Gura says:

Jerking off isn’t as fun.

Cheating isn’t just a matter of pleasure-seeking or lack of restraint. Cheating is about increasing your reproductive advantage and getting the best mate possible. Your biology is designed to maximize the quality of your offspring.

Alex says:

So are all these cheaters having offspring with their new mates? If not it’s pleasure seeking.I’d like to see some statistics on this opinion of yours. Why not split up/break up with current partner first? Why cheat? Yes it’s biological and almost an animal like instinctual act, but ultimately cheating is low functioning order, almost prehistoric. High functioning human beings end the relationship first or try to reconnect with current partner. Ultimately you’re telling everyone if someone cheats on them it’s because they have become inadequate in some way, or someone better has come along. You have not considered the mental state of the cheater.Cheating and blaming the person who was cheated on is a common trait of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Your biological argument is only one school of thought. You need to do some heavy surveys and statistics on the reasons people cheat to really be sure that people only cheat for reproductive advantage.

Leo Gura says:

Genetic testing reveals that about 10% of children are illegitimate, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Many more relationships are formed through cheating which end up producing legitimate children.

What is pleasure? Sexual pleasure exists to maximize your reproductive success.

Cheating is far more prevalent than people want to admit. High functioning human beings cheat too.

Alex says:

Yes Leo,

That’s certainly an opinion.

Alex says:

Okay so I’ve done some research to your theory and their is nothing which can say for sure biology is the reason behind cheating. Their is a flaw to your theory…

Are you suggesting that all men cheat when they see a “fitter” option as they are concurrently losing physical interest in their partner?

If it is a case of biology, then all men who experience this predicament must cheat, and no one is capable of practicing self restraint.

If someone out there has been in this predicament and practiced self restraint, then you can’t blame biology, you can only blame inability to choose self restraint or choose to focus on something else.

So every man who is displeased with the appearance of his partner is cheating?

Leo Gura says:

No it’s not that simple. Sexual pressures are incredibly devious and there are trade-offs involved. No one is predestined to cheat, it’s just that under certain conditions cheating becomes more common, and of course there are individual differences too.

If you want study this more, check out the classic book, The Selfish Gene.
You can also check out Sperm Wars.

Karin says:

Leo, I love this video! I guess it’s a scrary topic for a lot op people but still I believe it’s always best to face a little truth and use it to your own advantage. I see a lot of women around me, in long term relationships, that totally underestimate the importance of a good sex life! That’s is too bad for their men but even worse for themselves: they miss out on their own sexual pleasure and are not developing as a sexual being. Which in the core we all are! I find personal and sexual developement go hand in hand a lot of the time. Keep up the great work you’re doing here Leo!

Leo Gura says:

Well said

Dot says:

This is quite depressing. I think I will stay single forever

Josie says:

It’s hard to swallow, but it’s a lot more helpful than other places I’ve looked.

When my boyfriend suggested I lose 10 lbs, frankly I was offended. Looking for someone to comfort my ego, I went to an all women’s forum, where they assured me I deserved better and I should dump that jack-ass. I wanted to show my boyfriend and say, “See?? I’m not wrong. You are! Change your opinion now!”

It’s REALLY really helpful to hear a boy’s perspective on this. I had no idea how important appearance was for men. In my biased head, I thought, “Only shallow men care about appearance.” I suppose that’s just the women’s perspective I’ve been hearing over and over.

ayda says:

hey Leo. you actually damaged my thoughts of men. its so hard to understand. i really cant deal with this! i mean there are much more important things than sex! like understanding each other, like making him feel safe and make him calm down when he is angry and no one else could do that! that make me feel hateful about guys! i had a boyfriend. I’m 18. we were in the same age. we were together about for a year.we were such a wonderful couple. whenever I felt bad he made me feel safe. but i impaled him a lot. for example I didn’t let him follow other girls on Instagram or go out with his friends while they bring their girlfriends. in the end he told me that I was an experience for him. and he changed! i was so shocked about his change. cause he was completely different. and after that i found out that he actually had cheated on me while he was with me. he hanged out with a girl while being with me. and that made me so sad. and now I’m feeling awful. once I was about killing myself for him!!!!!! and now… my eyesight has decreased by crying for him. its like I’m over. now i think that i cant trust on anybody, it really hurts. and the last point, I’m from Iran and here its not okay for single girls to have sex. so i cant have sex until i get married and you are telling that boys are sexual. so what now? what shall we do here?please reply me or send me an email as possible. I really need your answer. I’m not feeling well.
and thanks for your amazing videos

carrie says:

hi Leo,

Thanks for creating this video, it has a lot of really important information that is true about men. However, it does not cover all the reasons that men cheat in a relationship. It is definitely true that men are attracted to women physically and sexually…but there are emotional needs that men need as well. Physical attraction will only keep a man attracted for so long, men crave something a lot deeper. If you notice…there are a lot of men that are with women that are not perfect 10s…the perfect 10s don’t always have the emotional needs that they are looking for…that is what will keep him in the long run.

Men’s 6 love needs are trust, appreciation, admiration, acceptance, approval and encouragement. (this is information based off of John Gray, a psychologist, known for his book “Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus. He explains how to have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex, what they need, and how to effectively communicate with them.) Women’s 6 love needs are caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, reassurance.

And you are absolutely right! Women and Men both need to be educated in the needs of the opposite sex, as well be knowledgeable in how to properly communicate, etc.. as well. Most of the arguments that happen in a relationship are really based off of a lack of understanding and knowledge, that can be easily fixed!

Never underestimate the power of saying thank you to a man! It drives them to do more. Men need a trusting type of love.

Men love being the providers and protectors. They love playing mr. fix it! And that’s why they are always giving advice when women talk to them. (They are expressing that they care!) Sometimes they don’t understand that they just need to listen to make you feel better, and all you have to do is tell them nicely! They want to be your knight in shining armor! (yes that is in the book too!) Admire them and they will be devoted to you. You can’t try to change a man, and don’t give him advice unless he asks for it…extremely important (also further explained in the book). Men will cheat if you do not accept them for their mistakes and all, and you try to constantly change them and give them advice! They will seek a woman that will fit his emotional needs!

Men will cheat if there is a lot of drama in a relationship! Men want to be around women that are emotionally sound (this is a huge one). Not a woman that is crying, angry, and nagging all the time. What happens a lot is women are not straight and direct enough when they communicate there is a problem in the relationship. (for example: We never go out anywhere!… instead you should say.. “Baby, would you take me out tonight, I really miss going out to dinner with you. I really enjoy spending time with you….and do that with a big smile on your face, with some naughty bedroom eyes…lets see how he responds to that!) Men want laughter, carefree, adventurous, spontaneous, independent women! Men want to feel needed, but they don’t want a woman that is needy (there is a huge difference). Neediness causes men to cheat! Men are attracted to women that act feminine. Men want polarity! Men will cheat if they are not getting enough polarity (feminine energy)!

Men need space. Men will cheat if they are not getting enough personal space! Not because they don’t want their girl, but because they actually do emotionally need it! And a lot of couples make the mistake of being around each other 24/7… it makes the relationship stale. Women need to have separate lives from their partner, and need to enjoy being alone with themselves (self love)…this self love will build the relationship with their partner stronger. Yes you can have a relationship without self love…but without self love…you become needy and dependent on your partner…the relationship will not last…and it won’t be as fulfilling for you. Being in love with someone while you are in love with yourself…is the most amazing experience you can have. Everything just somehow just falls into place! You say all the right things, you act the right way..you handle your emotional needs correctly….and believe it or not you will attract the right men into your life that will treat you with respect.

There is a lot more that I can list here for examples and needs that men need. And Leo you are right about the physical and sexual needs of a man…but there is so much more to them…I think a lot of the girls are getting the wrong idea about them….they are not the bad guys…there are some wonderful amazing men out there…and I’m sure you’re one of them too! Thank you for creating this video.

I hope this helps! Don’t give up ladies! There are some amazing men out there!

CJ says:

Hey Leo,
Good video, but I think you missed one important reason why a man would cheat, and that is lack of validation. While men (or boys) in their early 20’s or even 30’s have a natural drive to propagate the species. Humans are a bit more evolved from our chimp ancestors. We want to be in committed relationships (for the most part) and as long as we receive validation from our partners (meaning we feel we are fulfilling our role as men and we are appreciated) and as you say, the sex is good. There is no reason to cheat. But if we feel taken for granted, disrespected, etc. That alone will kill sex.
There is definitely an emotional component to sex, looks are great to spark attraction, but over time we all age. What keeps it going is the emotional connection, and feeling that you are worthy. If a woman is expressing unhappiness in some aspect of your character, I guarantee any man will look for someone who validates him – i’m sure it’s the same for women.

Reache says:

Hi Leo,

Thank you. It’s a helpful insights. It made me understand more on how human nature works. About dating within your league is very true. It’s how you value yourself toward others too. Again, thank you.

Jessica says:

Leo I love all your videos. Your such a huge help and inpspiration in all your videos. I’m dating a guy who currently is in a relationship. We been seeing each other for 7 months. Very spiritually connected and it’s not just a sex thing. We workout together, go out to eat, massage each other, hike. It’s just such an emotional rollercoaster for me because I try to play it cool and keep him around as a really good friend but on the other hand I have really strong feelings for him. He’s been with her for 5 years so I understand it’s hard situation to leave. And naturally being a women, of course I want more! But am I selling my self short like all my friends are telling me? I feel I’m strong enough to handle it most of the time. I don’t know I just want your feed back thanks

Leo Gura says:

It’s more than just sex, but it is an addiction, let’s be clear about that.

I would guess several things here:

1) This is probably not a one-time case, but a pattern of yours with guys.

2) You have low self-esteem issues that need inner work.

3) You are running away from being alone and doing inner work.

4) You are not being honest with him or yourself about your feelings, values, and boundaries.

5) You are not enforcing your boundaries enough.

6) You’re kidding yourself in that he’s really not that serious about you. Otherwise why would he want the other girl?

7) You’re over-invested in the relationship.

All of this will ultimately end badly for you.

If you want more, clearly he’s not the guy to give it to you. So go get more! If you dare. But before you get involved with another guy, you should consider turning inward and doing the deeper inner work necessary if you ever want to have a long-term healthy relationship with any guy.

I know it’s not what you wanted to hear. But you gotta dispel this illusion you have about relationships just working out spontaneously. No! Successful relationships require massive inner work on your part.

The good news is, if you muster the courage to leave him and get involved in consciousness work, in a few years you’ll realize it was the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

Jess says:

Woah I didn’t think you’d write back. Lol. Glade you did. And it’s exactly what I wanted to hear. I been doing inner work and I feel it’s kind have made me les sensitive which I like because now I can be on the same page with him. But ya your right I’m not setting boundaries or being real with what I feel is right. I been single for years and I feel I’m a really attractive girl,I really am looking for that quality guy though. I like everything about him. I learn from him. It’s just the wrong timing?
Anyways. I’m 24. Figuring this rollercoaster out to the best of my ability, alongside with your help, and ya, a few years from now I will probably have a better understanding.
I consider you a great friend and l really appreciate that you took the time to write back. Sheesh and with the inflow u get! Thanks Leo ….

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