Why Women Fall For Assholes
By Leo Gura - August 25, 2014 | 104 Comments
Why women love assholes and hate nice-guys.
Hey, this is Leo for Actualized.org. In this video I want to talk about why women fall for assholes.
Do women fall for assholes or what? This is a fun topic. I like thinking about this stuff. I like thinking about any kind of female attraction or dating type of topics. It’s just fascinating to me.
What Kind Of Guy Is A Woman Attracted To?
I want to cover this because I have some ideas about it. I’ve talked to so many women, I’ve tried to hit on so many women, literally thousands of women that I think I have a little bit of insight into this topic. I’m sure some women have a different perspective on this but we’ll see where it goes.
Basically here’s my thinking on this idea. Women do fall for assholes. I’ve encountered this. I’ve encountered this through my coaching too. I coach people professionally.
I find this where a woman will fall for a guy who she knows is not the right guy for her who she knows is the bad guy, who she knows she should not be in a relationship with but then she simply can’t break that off. It’s baffling to me. Not only that, but it’s kind of scary that a guy can have such a hold over a woman. I’ve just experienced this in various relationships that I’ve been in that this kind of effect happens, from all the different stuff that I’ve studied, all the people that I’ve talked to and the class that I’ve coached.
Here’s my theory about how this works. It’s actually pretty simple. Here’s what happens: a woman in a man what is she attracted to? She is attracted to confidence, assertiveness, status, edginess, and a certain sense of indifference in the man. A lot of times a woman won’t want to admit this, she won’t admit it to herself, she won’t admit it to other people, she’ll challenge me on it, but the fact is that this is universally what women like.
I didn’t want to believe this. When I started out a few years ago and I was studying how to get a girlfriend, I was studying how to get better and better with women because I was really bad, I did not want to believe this. I was a total chowed nice guy. I was supplicating to the woman, I would try to do everything to please her and of course no woman ever would want to date or be receptive to that.
Women hate that. They run away from it because what it does is it sub-communicates low status and low value. A woman wants a high value guy. She wants a guy who is higher value in her eyes at least. She perceives a guy to be higher value than her.
For her what that means in a guy is that he is assertive, dominant, edgy, brash, he has options with lots of girls and he is indifferent. A lot of these characteristics, there is a problem with it because these are characteristics that create an asshole. So at the same time the girl loves these characteristics because they demonstrate masculinity, they demonstrate a lot of confidence, authority, status and value in a man, but it’s also the case that a lot of times the men who are the most assertive, who are the most dominant, who are the most edgy, who are the most indifferent and who have the most options with women, they are socially proofed, then those guys are the biggest dicks of the whole population.
If a woman is looking and screening guys really, really hard on these criteria and she’s looking for the guy who maxes out each one of these stats you might say, I always think of it kind of like an RPG game, kind of like a guy has stats. You’ve got assertiveness, dominance, edginess, indifference, social proof with other girls and if you’re maxed out on all of those, then you’re going to do really well women. But, with those characteristics also comes certain drawbacks, certain character defects you might say which then come back to bite the woman in the ass.
It’s interesting how this works. A woman is at a bar or nightclub, maybe she’s in a café, a guy comes to chat her up. If he comes in there and he’s very weak, no assertiveness, no confidence, he’s mumbling, he’s shy, he’s insecure, he doesn’t have strong eye contact, he has bad body language, he’s done! He’s not getting anywhere with that girl.
If a guy comes in there he’s witty, he’s charismatic, he’s very assertive, he instantly assumes rapport with that woman even though she’s a total stranger he just has the ability to assume total rapport with her, he has the ability to get physical very quickly with her, he has the ability to be edgy, he has the ability to be adventurous and brash, he has the ability to say whatever he feels like without giving a shit what she thinks or anybody else thinks, he’s very icy, he’s chill, he’s almost carefree like he doesn’t care about anything, he doesn’t care if he gets this girl or anything he feels like he has so many options with all those other girls, he feels very sexy, he feels very confident in himself, he loves the way he looks, he is very arrogant in himself, he feels like he’s the shit. That kind of guy if he comes up to a girl bar, club, café… wherever, she’s going to fall in love with him very, very quickly. It’s scary how quickly this happens.
Women Think They Want A Nice Guy
I know because I used to be the former guy and now I’m really building myself up into this latter guy. The difference is enormous. It’s almost obnoxious how enormous this difference is.
For a long time I didn’t want to believe it because when you’re a nice guy you want the girl to like you. You want to rationalize in your mind that, “I’m a nice guy. I want to do nice things for the girl. Yes, I’m a little bit shy, yes I’m a little supplicating to her but she should like because I’m doing stuff for her”.
Even women will think that this is what they want in a man. Maybe this is what they want later in the relationship with the man, but this is not what they are attracted to. What they are attracted to is that asshole. He doesn’t strictly have to be an asshole, but it just so happens that a lot of times that asshole is the one who is the most assertive, the most dominant, the most edgy, the most brash, the most indifferent. He’s also a player because when he’s that way he’s got so many options with girls he doesn’t care about any particular girl.
What a girl is attracted to is that. Even though a girl is not attracted to a player per se a girl is never going to be like, “You screwed a hundred girls? That’s really sexy to me”. No, a girl would never think that, but she’s attracted to all these qualities: assertiveness, dominance, cockiness, edginess and independence from outcome.
The guy, when he’s talking to the girl, has to literally not care whether he gets her or not. If he goes in there with that kind of attitude then his chances of getting her are exponentially higher than if he comes in there acting needy and desperate and really needing her for sex, love, companionship or whatever else. What kind of guy is totally indifferent to whether he gets the girl or not? Is that a guy who has very little sexual experience or a guy has enormous sexual experience? It’s a guy who has enormous sexual experience.
So even though a girl in her mind logically she’s not going to say, “Yeah I want a guy with lots and lots of sexual experience”. In practice, that is what you’re saying as a woman if you’re looking and screening guys very hard for these very masculine characteristics because the way you develop those is by banging lots of girls. The guys that have those characteristics they bang lots of girls because girls love them so much and it’s so easy. It’s ridiculously easy.
Of course the guys that don’t have those characteristics they’re really struggling because they’re not getting the girls. They’re really struggling to find those kinds of girls. What happens is a girl meets this kind of guy who’s alpha, who is masculine in all these various characteristics. Of course she’s very attracted to him. She gets this emotional wave and she just gets swept up in the emotions of it.
Of course he’s got a killer attitude, he’s got a killer instinct so he knows how to do it. He has sex with her really quickly. There’s no logic in there, there’s no screening for any relationship criteria or anything it’s just sex.
Running Off Emotions
Once a girl has sex, unlike a guy who has sex and he doesn’t really get attached that much, a girl, she has a different response. She has a chemical response. Oxytocin gets released in her brain, in her system and that oxytocin has a very interesting effect. It creates this emotional attachment.
It’s almost like a duckling that’s born. When a duckling is born, the first thing it sees gets imprinted on. It’s called imprinting in psychology. If the duckling sees the mother, the duckling will think that that’s the mother. If the first that he sees is not the mother but something else like a sock puppet then he’ll think that that sock puppet is his mother. That’s just a biological mechanism that evolved in a duckling which helps it survive in its youth.
Women have this kind of mechanism too. What happens is that after sex, especially after a few times of sex, especially if the sex is amazingly good which of course if the guy has a lot of sexual experience it will be amazingly good, she has this amazing sex with this guy and of course now she’s in love with him. What is this? This is a chemical response.
Of course it doesn’t feel like a chemical response it feels like an emotional response. It feels like this is the perfect guy, he’s amazing, my true love I finally found him. That’s what it feels like. At this point the girl doesn’t really know this guy. She slept with this guy, maybe a couple of times, she knows a little bit about him but she doesn’t really understand his full identity, his full personality.
What happens is that she gets emotionally attached but the characteristics of this alpha guy that make him so attractive to the woman in the first place, those characteristics are also the exact same characteristics which create problems in one’s life if they’re out of balance. Not always, but it tends to be a double edged sword so what happens is it comes back to bite the woman in the ass a lot of times. So the woman gets emotionally attached and in this relationship she’s running off the emotions. She’s literally hooked to this guy like a drug. There’s no logic going on here.
I’ve coached a woman like this. In this kind of situation logic is no good. We can talk for a month about how this guy is not right for you, how he is abusing you or how he is not filling the criteria that you want for a man in your life, we can talk about all that, if you’re the woman you will agree to all of it and then you still will not leave that guy. Why is this the case? Because you’re running off emotions.
This chemical response is like a drug addiction. It’s very hard. Just like a drug addict you know that the drug is not good for you, you know that it’s getting out of hand, you know that you should quit it but you can’t because it’s hard. The chemical addiction, it’s not a logical thing.
This is why women will fall for an asshole and then stay stuck with that asshole for a long, long time. This can create codependent relationships, abusive relationships, toxic relationships, needless fighting in relationships, a lot of up and down drama… that kind of stuff. This guy’s bad character traits, they don’t really become obvious until much later into the relationship.
So something for example like being very, very assertive. A guy who’s very assertive is the kind of guy a lot of times who has to not give a shit about what people think of him. This can be a good thing in certain contexts, but this can also be a bad thing in certain contexts. Inevitably it ends up backfiring on the woman because as the woman in the relationship you want that deeper intimacy and you want to communicate with your man. That communication’s important to you. You want to be on the same wavelength.
A Double Edged Sword
You want to be able to talk about intimate topics. You want him to be able to be receptive to have that kind of back and forth. That’s necessary for a successful long term healthy relationship. You also want to be able to work out problems. If there’s a problem between you, between him you want to be able to sit down, talk that stuff out.
With a guy who doesn’t give a fuck what anybody thinks about him, does he care about that? Do you think he’s more likely to sit down with you and listen to that kind of stuff than the stereotypical ‘nice guy’ that you would never have sex with? No. A lot of times these kind of guys they just don’t give a fuck.
As the woman, you end up finding yourself in this situation where you really love this guy and you’re trying to do everything to make this relationship work, but there are certain things about what he’s doing, or there are certain things you want him to tweak and change. You need talk to him about something but you can’t talk to him because it’s like talking to a fucking wall. It just doesn’t penetrate because that’s that double edge that you’re dealing with here. On the one hand it’s very sexy on the other hand you’re dealing with a stubborn mule.
The same goes with some of these other characteristics. Being dominant also really feeds into that, being indifferent really the same thing, being edgy and brash… These kinds of personality characteristics all tend to have this double edge to it. It’s nice in certain situations and it’s bad in other situations.
Over time, inevitably, these bad character traits start to manifest more and more. Really if you want to maintain a long term healthy relationship it takes work. This is not something that you just get involved in and you expect it to go and on and everything is beautiful. It takes lots and lots of work. Two people really have to choreograph and coordinate their movements long term to make it work.
Honestly what’s going to happen is that the man will have flaws. The woman will also have flaws. If you want to keep it together you both need to be working on your flaws simultaneously. You both need to be cool with it. You both need to have good communication between the two of you so that you’re on the same wavelength, you can make that coordination happen. Also you need to be growing in your relationship at kind of a similar pace so that one is not outgrowing the other and you’re keeping a certain balance and equilibrium there.
That’s really hard to do with a guy who’s extremely assertive, dominant, independent, edgy and brash and has options with tons of other girls. Inevitably what happens is that you really fall hard as the woman. You fall hard for this guy but then because what you really want is that deep intimate relationship, there are a couple of problems here.
Hard To Pin Down
First of all it’s hard to pin this guy down. It’s hard to pin him down because a player has so many options with other girls that frankly you need to be of extremely high caliber to lock this guy down.
He has to say in his mind, “I can go out and if I go out three nights in a week I can get one girl to sleep with me. Every couple of weeks I can get a really hot girl to sleep with me. I’ve got all this sexual abundance. Now I can either choose to be with this one girl, with you, but then I have to give up all my sexual abundance. Or, I can keep my sexual abundance, but then I’m not really exclusive with you and I’m not doing the whole lovey dovey deep intimate relationship thing”.
For him it’s like, “Which one do I want? Am I going to give up all this sexual abundance just for you? If I am that means you’ve got to be bringing a lot to the table”. That’s how a guy thinks.
This might sound harsh, dickish, very calculating, but the fact is that both men and women think this way. It’s not even something that happens consciously, it’s simply kind of like inner wiring. A woman evaluates a man very harshly in terms of values it’s just that the values are different. A man’s values when he’s valuing a woman are also very harsh, but different.
We’re both screening each other very rigorously just in very different ways. Men will say, “Women screen men unfairly”, and women will say, “No, men screen women unfairly”. Actually there’s no fairness or unfairness here. We’re both screening each other pretty rigorously. The point here being it’s going to be very hard for you to pin this guy down if he has a lot of options with women which invariably he does because he’s got that personality that you got attracted to in the first place.
The second thing is that it’s going to be hard to maintain that kind of equilibrium with this person. It can be hard to do that because his personality really isn’t suited for that. You would be much better off with that ‘nice guy’. That caring nice guy who doesn’t treat you like an asshole, you could actually maintain a pretty good relationship with him.
The problem though is that you’re not attracted to him. You want him logically but in practice, when you meet a guy, you’re not attracted to that kind of guy. This is what happens.
There’s another even additional aspect that makes this thing even worse. When you have an assertive dominant individual in a relationship what will almost always tend to happen is that person will start to abuse his power. This is not even something that he consciously does. This is something that has been proven through psychological studies.
There are some classical studies that they did where what they do is they will take prison inmates and they’ll create this kind of laboratory setting where they’ll put one person in the role of the prison guard and they’ll put another person in the role of the prisoner. What tends to happen is that prison guard, because he has so much authority and control over this situation, over time, even if the prison guard is a good person, over time he becomes more and more corrupt with that power to the point where you start to get prisoner abuse. This is how prisoner abuse in various prisons because the guards feel like they have so much power over the prisoners they can literally do anything they want. When nobody’s watching them that power gets abused.
This happens with most human beings. It’s not really that it’s even the guy’s fault so much it’s just a tendency for that to happen. The problem here is that if you have a relationship where one person is very, very dominant and assertive over another, then that person needs to either have extremely good sense of value and morals in his life in order to make that work out or what’s going to happen is he’s going to become abusive. He’s going to start to exploit this relationship. It’s kind of like human nature to do this.
A Freaky Phenomenon
So this worsens the situation even more. If you had one of those nice guys he wouldn’t be assertive, he wouldn’t be dominant, he wouldn’t try to abuse the power in the relationship, but you’ve got this asshole guy, this player guy he will do it even if he doesn’t want to. It’s a really freaky phenomenon.
I’ve noticed it in myself. I come from a place where I’m extremely nice guy and I’m still very nice guy. I care about the girl a lot more than I see my friends caring about their girls.
Another thing that I notice is that when I am in a relationship where we have this big gap between me and the girl, if I feel like I have more power over here, if I feel like she’s the really needy one and I’m the indifferent one in the relationship, I feel like I start to get a little bit corrupt. The power starts to corrupt me a little bit because I know that I have so much influence over this girl and I have to really hold myself back because it’s very tempting.
I’m the kind of guy who, in all fairness, is a lot more conscious about this stuff than the average guy. I’ll never go into the frame where I’m actually abusive. That’s never going to happen with me, but with a lower caliber guy that will definitely be a possibility. That’s why a lot of women will get into abusive relationships, physically abusive, verbally abusive, lots of anger, emotional abuse… that kind of stuff. That’s why that happens.
It’s because of this gap that exists and because this guy has this kind of personality that feeds into it more and more and he really kind of gets drunk with that power. This is kind of the dynamic that’s going on. In this situation logic is useless because logically it doesn’t make sense that you’re going to be with this guy. But that’s not why you’re with him in the first place. You’re with him because of the emotions, the love that you’re feeling, the attachment that’s formed there especially where there’s this codependency going on there where you’re very needy and he’s not needy at all, then that’s going to worsen the situation even more.
Just by listening to this stuff if you’re in that kind of relationship right now or you’ve experienced those dynamics as a woman, then just hearing about it probably is not going to help you because what’s happening now is that you’re still running on those emotions of love that we can talk about this for an hour and you’re still not going to get it. It’s not going to actually allow you to break it off. In practice what I find is going to work is the following.
You’re going to be experiencing more and more pain as this relationship continues and it gets worse and worse, becomes more toxic. It’s going to pain you more and more until what happens is that that immense love that you have right now is going to get overtaken by the pain. When that happens there’s going to be a shift.
At that point you’ll be able to break it off with this guy, but until that happens you won’t be able to break it off. The sad thing is it might take a long time for this to happen. It might take months, it might years for this to happen. It might take a really, really long time. If you have a lot of this chemical attachment and right now your pain is down here, it’s going to have to grow a lot.
One of the dangers here is your life as this pain is growing, time is passing, the clock is ticking and your life is going further and further down the drain as this is happening. Especially if you’re starting to get into physical abuse, verbal abuse, really nasty kind of fights… that kind of stuff.
You’ll Need An Emotional Trigger
I don’t know what to tell you because I’m a logical guy. I’m telling you logical stuff. All my videos are logic. I have some videos that are trying to trigger you emotionally to get yourself taking action but that’s really what you need.
You need an emotional trigger because as a woman you’re responsive to emotions much more so that logic. While you might understand all this and you might even agree with everything I’m telling you that’s still won’t be enough. What you’re going to need is to get emotional leverage on yourself. Once you get that emotional leverage then perhaps you can get the courage to break it off for good with this guy and never go back so that then you can move on to a better phase, a better relationship in your life.
From this experience maybe what you’re going to learn is that you should be less focused on finding the most dominant, the most aggressive, the most edgy, and the most indifferent playerish kind of guy, less of an asshole, and go more for the nicer type of guy. Even though up front he might be sexy upfront, this nice guy might not be as sexy from up front as this alpha guy, this alpha guy a lot of times it’s hard to keep him in a relationship. A lot of times he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. A lot of times he won’t listen to you, he won’t coordinate with you and it’s just not going to get you to what you ultimately want in your life. Maybe.
Every girl is different, every girl has different objectives, but I’m kind of generalizing here. If you’re fitting into the general trend then this advice will work for you. So that’s basically what’s going on here.
Another point that I’ll make is that a lot of women what I see them doing is they are backwards rationalizing their love. Especially at the beginning of the relationship, there’s a backwards rationalization. You fall in love with the guy and then what tends to happen is you get these blind spots. Even your friends might be telling you, look at this guy he has a problem here, he has a problem there. Maybe he’s doing bad at his job, maybe he’s broke, maybe there’s something else wrong with him.
You are not going to see that because the chemical love that’s there is just so great that it makes you blind to all those things. In your mind you tell yourself stuff like, “He’s the perfect guy. He’s exactly the one that I wanted. He’s so sexy, he’s so amazing, he loves me so much.”
There is definitely this kind of blinding effect that’s going on and you’ve got to be careful about that. It’s tricky because women might assume that the way to fix this problem is to screen the guy really, really hard on the front. “Don’t have sex with him immediately”, you might say, “Let’s go out on ten dates then after ten dates we’ll have sex. I’ll hold off for ten dates just to get to know him better”.
The problem with that is that if he’s a really attractive guy he knows how to bust through that. You’re not going to be able to withhold for ten dates. If he has a lot of options with girls, he’ll simply either dump you by ten dates, or he’ll just get you so aroused you’ll have sex within a few dates. You’re not going to be able to wait for ten dates.
Ten dates, that’s the ‘nice guy’. The nice guy waits for ten dates. A player, alpha male doesn’t wait for ten dates. He has sex on the first or second date. That’s usually what happens.
Ten Dates? Still Not Enough
Another even deeper point is that even if you do wait for ten dates, you’re not really going to get a sense of a guy’s true identity and personality until you have sex with him. You’re not. He’s going to be acting fake. You’re not really going to get to know him. What you’re going to get to know is his mask.
You’re going to get to know a little bit about his life but generally it’s still going to be very hard for you to properly judge him as a character. You’re not going to really get a sense of his true character just by going on ten dates with the guy. You’re going to need to sleep with him not even once.
Sleep with him five, ten times then you start to get more of his authentic personality coming up, more of his authentic behavior. Literally months need to pass before you can get a really true sense of a guy. It’s hard to do it within even ten dates.
These problems are out there so I’m making you aware of them. I don’t have all the answers here, I just kind of see that these are some of the land mines that are out there for women. I think a lot of what women tend to do is that when they’re very young in their early twenties, up through their mid-twenties, what they do is they hook up with a lot of really attractive, kind of alpha male types of guys because that’s kind of the easy thing and it seems like that’s going to work out.
A lot of girls will hook up with those types of guys, like the players and they’ll have a lot of fun with them but they’ll have a hard time locking those guys down. The relationships either won’t happen or they’ll happen but they’ll be very turbulent and unstable. What happens is as the woman’s biological clock is ticking more and more and more, she’s getting close to her thirties and when she’s in her thirties the clock is ticking even faster, maybe she wants to have a family so at that point her priorities shift from, “Wait a minute, I don’t really want the fun guy so much, I don’t want the alpha male guy so much what I really want is I want someone a little more stable that can work with me in a relationship”.
At that point her filters change and she’s screening a little bit more, she’s going to be more tolerant of the ‘nice guy’ type because even though the alpha male is very sexy on the front end, it’s the back end that a lot of women are really pursuing in relationships. This back end you really need to have the kind of guy that you think will be able to manage that back end for a long time, who’s not just sexy on the front end. I think that these are some of the characteristics and some of the details of why women fall for assholes. It is true, if you’re an asshole you have a much better chance of attracting a woman on the front. As far as keeping her, that’s another story.
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