Why Women Fall For Assholes

By Leo Gura - August 25, 2014 | 104 Comments

Why women love assholes and hate nice-guys.

Video Transcript

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Hey, this is Leo for Actualized.org. In this video I want to talk about why women fall for assholes.

Do women fall for assholes or what? This is a fun topic. I like thinking about this stuff. I like thinking about any kind of female attraction or dating type of topics. It’s just fascinating to me.

What Kind Of Guy Is A Woman Attracted To?

I want to cover this because I have some ideas about it. I’ve talked to so many women, I’ve tried to hit on so many women, literally thousands of women that I think I have a little bit of insight into this topic. I’m sure some women have a different perspective on this but we’ll see where it goes.

Basically here’s my thinking on this idea. Women do fall for assholes. I’ve encountered this. I’ve encountered this through my coaching too. I coach people professionally.

I find this where a woman will fall for a guy who she knows is not the right guy for her who she knows is the bad guy, who she knows she should not be in a relationship with but then she simply can’t break that off. It’s baffling to me. Not only that, but it’s kind of scary that a guy can have such a hold over a woman. I’ve just experienced this in various relationships that I’ve been in that this kind of effect happens, from all the different stuff that I’ve studied, all the people that I’ve talked to and the class that I’ve coached.

Here’s my theory about how this works. It’s actually pretty simple. Here’s what happens: a woman in a man what is she attracted to? She is attracted to confidence, assertiveness, status, edginess, and a certain sense of indifference in the man. A lot of times a woman won’t want to admit this, she won’t admit it to herself, she won’t admit it to other people, she’ll challenge me on it, but the fact is that this is universally what women like.

I didn’t want to believe this. When I started out a few years ago and I was studying how to get a girlfriend, I was studying how to get better and better with women because I was really bad, I did not want to believe this. I was a total chowed nice guy. I was supplicating to the woman, I would try to do everything to please her and of course no woman ever would want to date or be receptive to that.

Women hate that. They run away from it because what it does is it sub-communicates low status and low value. A woman wants a high value guy. She wants a guy who is higher value in her eyes at least. She perceives a guy to be higher value than her.

For her what that means in a guy is that he is assertive, dominant, edgy, brash, he has options with lots of girls and he is indifferent. A lot of these characteristics, there is a problem with it because these are characteristics that create an asshole. So at the same time the girl loves these characteristics because they demonstrate masculinity, they demonstrate a lot of confidence, authority, status and value in a man, but it’s also the case that a lot of times the men who are the most assertive, who are the most dominant, who are the most edgy, who are the most indifferent and who have the most options with women, they are socially proofed, then those guys are the biggest dicks of the whole population.

If a woman is looking and screening guys really, really hard on these criteria and she’s looking for the guy who maxes out each one of these stats you might say, I always think of it kind of like an RPG game, kind of like a guy has stats. You’ve got assertiveness, dominance, edginess, indifference, social proof with other girls and if you’re maxed out on all of those, then you’re going to do really well women. But, with those characteristics also comes certain drawbacks, certain character defects you might say which then come back to bite the woman in the ass.

It’s interesting how this works. A woman is at a bar or nightclub, maybe she’s in a café, a guy comes to chat her up. If he comes in there and he’s very weak, no assertiveness, no confidence, he’s mumbling, he’s shy, he’s insecure, he doesn’t have strong eye contact, he has bad body language, he’s done! He’s not getting anywhere with that girl.

If a guy comes in there he’s witty, he’s charismatic, he’s very assertive, he instantly assumes rapport with that woman even though she’s a total stranger he just has the ability to assume total rapport with her, he has the ability to get physical very quickly with her, he has the ability to be edgy, he has the ability to be adventurous and brash, he has the ability to say whatever he feels like without giving a shit what she thinks or anybody else thinks, he’s very icy, he’s chill, he’s almost carefree like he doesn’t care about anything, he doesn’t care if he gets this girl or anything he feels like he has so many options with all those other girls, he feels very sexy, he feels very confident in himself, he loves the way he looks, he is very arrogant in himself, he feels like he’s the shit. That kind of guy if he comes up to a girl bar, club, café… wherever, she’s going to fall in love with him very, very quickly. It’s scary how quickly this happens.

Women Think They Want A Nice Guy

I know because I used to be the former guy and now I’m really building myself up into this latter guy. The difference is enormous. It’s almost obnoxious how enormous this difference is.

For a long time I didn’t want to believe it because when you’re a nice guy you want the girl to like you. You want to rationalize in your mind that, “I’m a nice guy. I want to do nice things for the girl. Yes, I’m a little bit shy, yes I’m a little supplicating to her but she should like because I’m doing stuff for her”.

Even women will think that this is what they want in a man. Maybe this is what they want later in the relationship with the man, but this is not what they are attracted to. What they are attracted to is that asshole. He doesn’t strictly have to be an asshole, but it just so happens that a lot of times that asshole is the one who is the most assertive, the most dominant, the most edgy, the most brash, the most indifferent. He’s also a player because when he’s that way he’s got so many options with girls he doesn’t care about any particular girl.

What a girl is attracted to is that. Even though a girl is not attracted to a player per se a girl is never going to be like, “You screwed a hundred girls? That’s really sexy to me”. No, a girl would never think that, but she’s attracted to all these qualities: assertiveness, dominance, cockiness, edginess and independence from outcome.

The guy, when he’s talking to the girl, has to literally not care whether he gets her or not. If he goes in there with that kind of attitude then his chances of getting her are exponentially higher than if he comes in there acting needy and desperate and really needing her for sex, love, companionship or whatever else. What kind of guy is totally indifferent to whether he gets the girl or not? Is that a guy who has very little sexual experience or a guy has enormous sexual experience? It’s a guy who has enormous sexual experience.

So even though a girl in her mind logically she’s not going to say, “Yeah I want a guy with lots and lots of sexual experience”. In practice, that is what you’re saying as a woman if you’re looking and screening guys very hard for these very masculine characteristics because the way you develop those is by banging lots of girls. The guys that have those characteristics they bang lots of girls because girls love them so much and it’s so easy. It’s ridiculously easy.

Of course the guys that don’t have those characteristics they’re really struggling because they’re not getting the girls. They’re really struggling to find those kinds of girls. What happens is a girl meets this kind of guy who’s alpha, who is masculine in all these various characteristics. Of course she’s very attracted to him. She gets this emotional wave and she just gets swept up in the emotions of it.

Of course he’s got a killer attitude, he’s got a killer instinct so he knows how to do it. He has sex with her really quickly. There’s no logic in there, there’s no screening for any relationship criteria or anything it’s just sex.

Running Off Emotions

Once a girl has sex, unlike a guy who has sex and he doesn’t really get attached that much, a girl, she has a different response. She has a chemical response. Oxytocin gets released in her brain, in her system and that oxytocin has a very interesting effect. It creates this emotional attachment.

It’s almost like a duckling that’s born. When a duckling is born, the first thing it sees gets imprinted on. It’s called imprinting in psychology. If the duckling sees the mother, the duckling will think that that’s the mother. If the first that he sees is not the mother but something else like a sock puppet then he’ll think that that sock puppet is his mother. That’s just a biological mechanism that evolved in a duckling which helps it survive in its youth.

Women have this kind of mechanism too. What happens is that after sex, especially after a few times of sex, especially if the sex is amazingly good which of course if the guy has a lot of sexual experience it will be amazingly good, she has this amazing sex with this guy and of course now she’s in love with him. What is this? This is a chemical response.

Of course it doesn’t feel like a chemical response it feels like an emotional response. It feels like this is the perfect guy, he’s amazing, my true love I finally found him. That’s what it feels like. At this point the girl doesn’t really know this guy. She slept with this guy, maybe a couple of times, she knows a little bit about him but she doesn’t really understand his full identity, his full personality.

What happens is that she gets emotionally attached but the characteristics of this alpha guy that make him so attractive to the woman in the first place, those characteristics are also the exact same characteristics which create problems in one’s life if they’re out of balance. Not always, but it tends to be a double edged sword so what happens is it comes back to bite the woman in the ass a lot of times. So the woman gets emotionally attached and in this relationship she’s running off the emotions. She’s literally hooked to this guy like a drug. There’s no logic going on here.

I’ve coached a woman like this. In this kind of situation logic is no good. We can talk for a month about how this guy is not right for you, how he is abusing you or how he is not filling the criteria that you want for a man in your life, we can talk about all that, if you’re the woman you will agree to all of it and then you still will not leave that guy. Why is this the case? Because you’re running off emotions.

This chemical response is like a drug addiction. It’s very hard. Just like a drug addict you know that the drug is not good for you, you know that it’s getting out of hand, you know that you should quit it but you can’t because it’s hard. The chemical addiction, it’s not a logical thing.

This is why women will fall for an asshole and then stay stuck with that asshole for a long, long time. This can create codependent relationships, abusive relationships, toxic relationships, needless fighting in relationships, a lot of up and down drama… that kind of stuff. This guy’s bad character traits, they don’t really become obvious until much later into the relationship.

So something for example like being very, very assertive. A guy who’s very assertive is the kind of guy a lot of times who has to not give a shit about what people think of him. This can be a good thing in certain contexts, but this can also be a bad thing in certain contexts. Inevitably it ends up backfiring on the woman because as the woman in the relationship you want that deeper intimacy and you want to communicate with your man. That communication’s important to you. You want to be on the same wavelength.

A Double Edged Sword

You want to be able to talk about intimate topics. You want him to be able to be receptive to have that kind of back and forth. That’s necessary for a successful long term healthy relationship. You also want to be able to work out problems. If there’s a problem between you, between him you want to be able to sit down, talk that stuff out.

With a guy who doesn’t give a fuck what anybody thinks about him, does he care about that? Do you think he’s more likely to sit down with you and listen to that kind of stuff than the stereotypical ‘nice guy’ that you would never have sex with? No. A lot of times these kind of guys they just don’t give a fuck.

As the woman, you end up finding yourself in this situation where you really love this guy and you’re trying to do everything to make this relationship work, but there are certain things about what he’s doing, or there are certain things you want him to tweak and change. You need talk to him about something but you can’t talk to him because it’s like talking to a fucking wall. It just doesn’t penetrate because that’s that double edge that you’re dealing with here. On the one hand it’s very sexy on the other hand you’re dealing with a stubborn mule.

The same goes with some of these other characteristics. Being dominant also really feeds into that, being indifferent really the same thing, being edgy and brash… These kinds of personality characteristics all tend to have this double edge to it. It’s nice in certain situations and it’s bad in other situations.

Over time, inevitably, these bad character traits start to manifest more and more. Really if you want to maintain a long term healthy relationship it takes work. This is not something that you just get involved in and you expect it to go and on and everything is beautiful. It takes lots and lots of work. Two people really have to choreograph and coordinate their movements long term to make it work.

Honestly what’s going to happen is that the man will have flaws. The woman will also have flaws. If you want to keep it together you both need to be working on your flaws simultaneously. You both need to be cool with it. You both need to have good communication between the two of you so that you’re on the same wavelength, you can make that coordination happen. Also you need to be growing in your relationship at kind of a similar pace so that one is not outgrowing the other and you’re keeping a certain balance and equilibrium there.

That’s really hard to do with a guy who’s extremely assertive, dominant, independent, edgy and brash and has options with tons of other girls. Inevitably what happens is that you really fall hard as the woman. You fall hard for this guy but then because what you really want is that deep intimate relationship, there are a couple of problems here.

Hard To Pin Down

First of all it’s hard to pin this guy down. It’s hard to pin him down because a player has so many options with other girls that frankly you need to be of extremely high caliber to lock this guy down.

He has to say in his mind, “I can go out and if I go out three nights in a week I can get one girl to sleep with me. Every couple of weeks I can get a really hot girl to sleep with me. I’ve got all this sexual abundance. Now I can either choose to be with this one girl, with you, but then I have to give up all my sexual abundance. Or, I can keep my sexual abundance, but then I’m not really exclusive with you and I’m not doing the whole lovey dovey deep intimate relationship thing”.

For him it’s like, “Which one do I want? Am I going to give up all this sexual abundance just for you? If I am that means you’ve got to be bringing a lot to the table”. That’s how a guy thinks.

This might sound harsh, dickish, very calculating, but the fact is that both men and women think this way. It’s not even something that happens consciously, it’s simply kind of like inner wiring. A woman evaluates a man very harshly in terms of values it’s just that the values are different. A man’s values when he’s valuing a woman are also very harsh, but different.

We’re both screening each other very rigorously just in very different ways. Men will say, “Women screen men unfairly”, and women will say, “No, men screen women unfairly”. Actually there’s no fairness or unfairness here. We’re both screening each other pretty rigorously. The point here being it’s going to be very hard for you to pin this guy down if he has a lot of options with women which invariably he does because he’s got that personality that you got attracted to in the first place.

The second thing is that it’s going to be hard to maintain that kind of equilibrium with this person. It can be hard to do that because his personality really isn’t suited for that. You would be much better off with that ‘nice guy’. That caring nice guy who doesn’t treat you like an asshole, you could actually maintain a pretty good relationship with him.

The problem though is that you’re not attracted to him. You want him logically but in practice, when you meet a guy, you’re not attracted to that kind of guy. This is what happens.

There’s another even additional aspect that makes this thing even worse. When you have an assertive dominant individual in a relationship what will almost always tend to happen is that person will start to abuse his power. This is not even something that he consciously does. This is something that has been proven through psychological studies.

There are some classical studies that they did where what they do is they will take prison inmates and they’ll create this kind of laboratory setting where they’ll put one person in the role of the prison guard and they’ll put another person in the role of the prisoner. What tends to happen is that prison guard, because he has so much authority and control over this situation, over time, even if the prison guard is a good person, over time he becomes more and more corrupt with that power to the point where you start to get prisoner abuse. This is how prisoner abuse in various prisons because the guards feel like they have so much power over the prisoners they can literally do anything they want. When nobody’s watching them that power gets abused.

This happens with most human beings. It’s not really that it’s even the guy’s fault so much it’s just a tendency for that to happen. The problem here is that if you have a relationship where one person is very, very dominant and assertive over another, then that person needs to either have extremely good sense of value and morals in his life in order to make that work out or what’s going to happen is he’s going to become abusive. He’s going to start to exploit this relationship. It’s kind of like human nature to do this.

A Freaky Phenomenon

So this worsens the situation even more. If you had one of those nice guys he wouldn’t be assertive, he wouldn’t be dominant, he wouldn’t try to abuse the power in the relationship, but you’ve got this asshole guy, this player guy he will do it even if he doesn’t want to. It’s a really freaky phenomenon.

I’ve noticed it in myself. I come from a place where I’m extremely nice guy and I’m still very nice guy. I care about the girl a lot more than I see my friends caring about their girls.

Another thing that I notice is that when I am in a relationship where we have this big gap between me and the girl, if I feel like I have more power over here, if I feel like she’s the really needy one and I’m the indifferent one in the relationship, I feel like I start to get a little bit corrupt. The power starts to corrupt me a little bit because I know that I have so much influence over this girl and I have to really hold myself back because it’s very tempting.

I’m the kind of guy who, in all fairness, is a lot more conscious about this stuff than the average guy. I’ll never go into the frame where I’m actually abusive. That’s never going to happen with me, but with a lower caliber guy that will definitely be a possibility. That’s why a lot of women will get into abusive relationships, physically abusive, verbally abusive, lots of anger, emotional abuse… that kind of stuff. That’s why that happens.

It’s because of this gap that exists and because this guy has this kind of personality that feeds into it more and more and he really kind of gets drunk with that power. This is kind of the dynamic that’s going on. In this situation logic is useless because logically it doesn’t make sense that you’re going to be with this guy. But that’s not why you’re with him in the first place. You’re with him because of the emotions, the love that you’re feeling, the attachment that’s formed there especially where there’s this codependency going on there where you’re very needy and he’s not needy at all, then that’s going to worsen the situation even more.

Just by listening to this stuff if you’re in that kind of relationship right now or you’ve experienced those dynamics as a woman, then just hearing about it probably is not going to help you because what’s happening now is that you’re still running on those emotions of love that we can talk about this for an hour and you’re still not going to get it. It’s not going to actually allow you to break it off. In practice what I find is going to work is the following.

You’re going to be experiencing more and more pain as this relationship continues and it gets worse and worse, becomes more toxic. It’s going to pain you more and more until what happens is that that immense love that you have right now is going to get overtaken by the pain. When that happens there’s going to be a shift.

At that point you’ll be able to break it off with this guy, but until that happens you won’t be able to break it off. The sad thing is it might take a long time for this to happen. It might take months, it might years for this to happen. It might take a really, really long time. If you have a lot of this chemical attachment and right now your pain is down here, it’s going to have to grow a lot.

One of the dangers here is your life as this pain is growing, time is passing, the clock is ticking and your life is going further and further down the drain as this is happening. Especially if you’re starting to get into physical abuse, verbal abuse, really nasty kind of fights… that kind of stuff.

You’ll Need An Emotional Trigger

I don’t know what to tell you because I’m a logical guy. I’m telling you logical stuff. All my videos are logic. I have some videos that are trying to trigger you emotionally to get yourself taking action but that’s really what you need.

You need an emotional trigger because as a woman you’re responsive to emotions much more so that logic. While you might understand all this and you might even agree with everything I’m telling you that’s still won’t be enough. What you’re going to need is to get emotional leverage on yourself. Once you get that emotional leverage then perhaps you can get the courage to break it off for good with this guy and never go back so that then you can move on to a better phase, a better relationship in your life.

From this experience maybe what you’re going to learn is that you should be less focused on finding the most dominant, the most aggressive, the most edgy, and the most indifferent playerish kind of guy, less of an asshole, and go more for the nicer type of guy. Even though up front he might be sexy upfront, this nice guy might not be as sexy from up front as this alpha guy, this alpha guy a lot of times it’s hard to keep him in a relationship. A lot of times he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. A lot of times he won’t listen to you, he won’t coordinate with you and it’s just not going to get you to what you ultimately want in your life. Maybe.

Every girl is different, every girl has different objectives, but I’m kind of generalizing here. If you’re fitting into the general trend then this advice will work for you. So that’s basically what’s going on here.

Another point that I’ll make is that a lot of women what I see them doing is they are backwards rationalizing their love. Especially at the beginning of the relationship, there’s a backwards rationalization. You fall in love with the guy and then what tends to happen is you get these blind spots. Even your friends might be telling you, look at this guy he has a problem here, he has a problem there. Maybe he’s doing bad at his job, maybe he’s broke, maybe there’s something else wrong with him.

You are not going to see that because the chemical love that’s there is just so great that it makes you blind to all those things. In your mind you tell yourself stuff like, “He’s the perfect guy. He’s exactly the one that I wanted. He’s so sexy, he’s so amazing, he loves me so much.”

There is definitely this kind of blinding effect that’s going on and you’ve got to be careful about that. It’s tricky because women might assume that the way to fix this problem is to screen the guy really, really hard on the front. “Don’t have sex with him immediately”, you might say, “Let’s go out on ten dates then after ten dates we’ll have sex. I’ll hold off for ten dates just to get to know him better”.

The problem with that is that if he’s a really attractive guy he knows how to bust through that. You’re not going to be able to withhold for ten dates. If he has a lot of options with girls, he’ll simply either dump you by ten dates, or he’ll just get you so aroused you’ll have sex within a few dates. You’re not going to be able to wait for ten dates.

Ten dates, that’s the ‘nice guy’. The nice guy waits for ten dates. A player, alpha male doesn’t wait for ten dates. He has sex on the first or second date. That’s usually what happens.

Ten Dates? Still Not Enough

Another even deeper point is that even if you do wait for ten dates, you’re not really going to get a sense of a guy’s true identity and personality until you have sex with him. You’re not. He’s going to be acting fake. You’re not really going to get to know him. What you’re going to get to know is his mask.

You’re going to get to know a little bit about his life but generally it’s still going to be very hard for you to properly judge him as a character. You’re not going to really get a sense of his true character just by going on ten dates with the guy. You’re going to need to sleep with him not even once.

Sleep with him five, ten times then you start to get more of his authentic personality coming up, more of his authentic behavior. Literally months need to pass before you can get a really true sense of a guy. It’s hard to do it within even ten dates.

These problems are out there so I’m making you aware of them. I don’t have all the answers here, I just kind of see that these are some of the land mines that are out there for women. I think a lot of what women tend to do is that when they’re very young in their early twenties, up through their mid-twenties, what they do is they hook up with a lot of really attractive, kind of alpha male types of guys because that’s kind of the easy thing and it seems like that’s going to work out.

A lot of girls will hook up with those types of guys, like the players and they’ll have a lot of fun with them but they’ll have a hard time locking those guys down. The relationships either won’t happen or they’ll happen but they’ll be very turbulent and unstable. What happens is as the woman’s biological clock is ticking more and more and more, she’s getting close to her thirties and when she’s in her thirties the clock is ticking even faster, maybe she wants to have a family so at that point her priorities shift from, “Wait a minute, I don’t really want the fun guy so much, I don’t want the alpha male guy so much what I really want is I want someone a little more stable that can work with me in a relationship”.

At that point her filters change and she’s screening a little bit more, she’s going to be more tolerant of the ‘nice guy’ type because even though the alpha male is very sexy on the front end, it’s the back end that a lot of women are really pursuing in relationships. This back end you really need to have the kind of guy that you think will be able to manage that back end for a long time, who’s not just sexy on the front end. I think that these are some of the characteristics and some of the details of why women fall for assholes. It is true, if you’re an asshole you have a much better chance of attracting a woman on the front. As far as keeping her, that’s another story.

Wrap Up

All right, this is Leo, I’m going to be signing off. Go ahead, post me your comments down below and let me hear what you think. I’m going to be writing off here. Go ahead and also like my video, click the like button so that this video shoots up. Also please share it, the more this content is shared, the more free content I can keep releasing.

Finally come and sign up to my channel. Actually what I mean is the newsletter on my website. Sign up to the newsletter. I’m releasing new videos, weekly updates with all the videos that I’m going to be creating. I have a lot my best still coming up.

Really the reason you want to sign up is because I want to help you build a really holistic and accurate model of how to master your life, how to create an extraordinary life for yourself, whether that’s creating an amazing career or business, mastering you finances, mastering your health, mastering your relationships, mastering your inner psychology, mastering all of it so you can go out there and architect that amazing kind of life that’s so rare because people don’t understand this stuff. I’m going to be creating a lot more content in the months and years to come. So be a part of that and you’ll be learning all that every single week for free. Sign up right here.

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Comments
(104)
thibaut says:

Thank you for the video Leo. Great video as usual

Asaiah Powers says:

leo thanks!i cannot tell you how many times i failed at attracting women by not being assertive and,or agressive and playing “Mr.Nice guy”.i need to better my self image to polish up on my confidence because there are to many guys like me who fall in the sacrificing to gain trap and its hard getting off that pop culture/media paradigm. This because thats how a woman thinks she subconsciously wants in a man whats shes trying to get inside herself. Like the Alpha male whos masculine (attractive the one she wants)gets the main dish and the nice guy (me & others)get the leftovers of her emotional venting.

Leo Gura says:

Yup, typical nice-guy story.

Frodo Baggins says:

Had this extraordinary moment the other day, thanks to one of your videos, that completely blew my mind. I was open minded and had never before been so self aware and connected to the world. Even the ground shook.. I know this doesn’t have to do with this video but I feel awesome and am super excited for life so thank you Leo!

Leo Gura says:

Go easy on the Ganja jk. That’s cool man!

tanya says:

in your permition leo ill comment in russiun:
ya schitau chto ti opsolutna ne prav. da, mojet bit kodga molodoi devushke 18, 20, 22 goda i ona eje glupenkaya i nechevo ne ponemaet ot svoei jizni to imena tokie parni i budut ee interesovat no kogda mi vzrosleem i znaem sebya mi ponemaem chto nam na samom dele nujno, kakovo cheloveka mi xotim ryadom s nami i vcyakie takie assholes a kotorix ti govoril stanovyatza dlya nas prosto idiotami….

Leo Gura says:

I can’t read that. Post again in English please. Use Google Translate if necessary.

tanya says:

ok
i wanted to say that you are wrong. women dont attracted to assholes. Young women in there early 20s when they still young and don’t know themselves, yes maybe they do. Maybe they fall for men that are super confident and don’t give a shit and so on… But! when we grow up a little bit and we have more understanding of who we are and what we need and what kind of man we want by our side, then those men, those assholes, becomes pathetic to us.

Leo Gura says:

You’ll still get attracted to them I bet even when you’re older. But yeah, as you ladies mature your filters change.

Nancy Matos says:

I agree with Leo. Very true. A charmer is a charmer and can charm the panties of most women in 5, 4 3, 2. Also, as we do get older and wiser (well some of us) we are more likely to read these type of “players” and allow ourselves to be entertained for the evening. NOT SLEEP WITH THEM, but entertained.

They’re everywhere.

feenix says:

More awesome insights Leo! I sure wish I had the same realization a long time ago but I am incredibly grateful to have my current level of understanding on this so thank you sincerely for sharing. I feel that my horizons get broader every time I hook up with you and your videos, and I’m sure the next one will add even greater breadth.

Roisin says:

So true, I was with a this asshole (with a capital A) for 4 years and friends, family would say endlessly, “Get rid of him!” “How can you put up with that crap?” Sometimes I’d leave him for a but I’d always find myself winding up back with him! And every cell in my body screamed to flee but I could never get the cojones to do it! It was like having a heroin addiction accept the heroin was the man, I would have done anything to be with him. Then one day shit hit the fan and I realised if I didn’t leave him I could wind up really hurt or worse. The day I left him it was like going cold turkey in rehab, I had to RIP him from my insides and I felt fatigue, even physical withdrawal symptoms, I had never experienced anything quite like it! Now I am extra careful and if I see a red flag I pull out sharp but once your in a trap like that it is nearly impossible to break free and I had to go to extremes to break myself from the spell. Thanks for all your wonderful videos, they give me strength! Hopefully other women and man will be wiser from this video too! Sincerely, Roisin.

Sofia says:

Thank you Leo. I’ve been with two of those assholes this year and did not realize til it was over, shortly over. It left me feeling like shit, because Ive been working on self development I quickly snapped out of it with positive affirmations, meditation, and mantras. Must admit, I did beat myself up about it, thinking I was the problem. You and Gabrielle Bernstein helped me understand why and how I got myself involved with these kind of assholes. Not sure if you mentioned this topic, somewhat when u spoke about the next fix, how our mind is like heroin. Anyways, I crave a man’s affection, and I feel like its because I lacked affection growing up from both parents. Once I started having sex with the asshole, I couldn’t get enough, he even asked was I using him for sex, lol. I think I was, even the one after, which was just a rebound from the other one/ one night stand. I needed sex to feel better and if I could have it now and he did the right move, I would. Its crazy I just want to make love when I get that close to a man I’m attracted to. All in all, it just led to a heart break/ lesson learned. Thanks agin for all that you share. Take care.

Asaiah Powers says:

Hi leo,my best intention is to see where I’m lacking in both my masculine & feminine sides and be the best of both to be balanced. Other than that i need your advice. Every time i walk from boxing to the train station there”s this woman every time i walk pass her she’s smiles at me. Should i get over myself? If I’m not what could i do the next time she smiles or stares? This happens in school too and when I’m out and about. Don’t know what it means hoping you had an answer or explanation.

MJB says:

Hi Leo, Just wanted to thank you for your great videos. I found out about you recently and learning and self-improving a lot. Thanks again!

Angella says:

Well from a woman’s perspective, I agree with some of what you are saying. I agree that most women look for masculinity, confidence and a guy who is a bit dominant. But be careful guys, a guy who acts like a dick has no place in a woman’s heart. Every guy who acted like he did not care or thought he was the best got dumped very quickly. A guy who is cocky is just full of shit, that is what a woman thinks, a mature woman at least. When women are younger, they do fall for some cocky guys sometimes but not all. I always thought a guy would be attractive who is carefree about what others think but caring for the girl he dates, he is realistic not conceited, who has good communication skills, who pays full attention to the girl he is dating, not sitting at a table and checking other women. Who has his life together and has a deeper understanding of life. A shy guy gets nothing, not because he is not good but because if he does not approach a woman, well most women do not want to approach a guy. If that shy guy approach women, trust many women would take that shy guy over many other cocky guys who act like shit.

Leo Gura says:

No woman takes a shy guy even if he approaches constantly. I’ve done it.

Denise says:

You’re wrong, Leo, the shy guys are the best.

Sometimes they go into deep head trips about getting the girl and have to be cut loose, but if you find the right one, and take your time, nothing will ever compare to the shy guy.

Leo Gura says:

Best for that 1 in 5000 girls that it work on, maybe. But that’s awfully selfish of you. For that guy, he is miserable! He needs to fix this so that he can attract decent quantities of girls.

Katelin says:

I also agree with the shy guy thing. Maybe it was not that you were shy that this was a problem, the world does not revolve around your circumstances only. 90% of the guys I have dated in my life were the shy guy type. I have guys constantly coming up to me and personally I do not like it. Most guys who have approached me with the “be mine” attitude, I have shut down. I have only gone on one date with one guy who actually approached me, and I tend to have many. There is a middle ground, and guys don’t need to be all those characteristics you said to get a girl; they need all those characteristics to have sex with many girls.

Saskia says:

I actually love the shy guys. They are sweet , considerate and adorable. What makes a women get hooked on a guy , is when he makes her feel desired. The feeling of being desired is ultimately what women want. If a shy guy can sweetly pursue a woman and make it known that he really likes her, then that is still considered attractive to a women.

If the guy is too shy to express a feeling or sentiment, or ask the woman on a date, then yes this can be a frustration for women as they want to be pursued. But this does not mean that a guy needs to be super confident, aggressive or fierce on getting a woman. I would be very detracted by a man who took this approach and would deem him far too insensitive and lacking in understanding of how to form a deeper connection and form a long term relationship.

Angella says:

I took the shyest guy I met. Honestly. You simply approach the wrong women.

Lizzy says:

My ex completely fits this personallity. We spent 4.5 years together. Great sex but refused to open up about ANYTHING. At work and treated everyone he worked with terriblely. He was good at getting me hooked and for the first two years. It was wonderful but there was a lot of distance. I moved away for about a year. Came back it was like “dealing with a stubborn mule.” Dominate to the point where i wasn’t allowed to do certaing things, see certain people ect. He stiffled my growth and i ended it when he refused to open up with me after 4.5 year.

Leo Gura says:

Yup, all too common.

Lizzy says:

I found out this man (suspected it) cheated on me for months with another woman when I became intollerant of his “asshole” behaviors and his refusal to talk to me. Gambling, drinking and frankly a lot of neglect and down right emotionally abusive behavior.

After telling him he needs to grow up and start treating me better, he choose to dump me. In under a year, he engaged to the woman he cheated on me with. He met her the same way he met me and i’m disgusted his engaged to someone so young and niave.

I never got an apology. I was a mess emotionally because of ALL the long term hurtful words. I still hurt. My confidence is slow to rebuild but honestly, I should have trusted my gut. The “Asshole” tendecy of his that made him so attractive is what ended up killing me emotionally inside.

I am a little sad and jealous that i’m not getting married esp. when we date for 4.5 years but there isn’t a day that im not happy about not marrying him. It would have been a diaster.

Leo Gura says:

I hear that exact story so often. I’d guess that about 1/3 women go through something like this.

Claudia says:

Hi Leo… Great insights… I have been only with this kind of guys (I think that players would be a better description, they are assholes only if we allow them to be and unfortunately, we do most of the times). I might be considered lucky by other women because they stick around for years when anyone else would have see them the one night stand type of guy… Now, watching your movie, I am thinking, am I an asshole as well actually? Is this why they feel so attracted to me? Or maybe I am unapproachable to the shy guy? Am I too intimidating because I am used to these type of guys now? Thank you again.

L says:

Thank you, Leo!!!! Your insight on this transformed my thinking so deep, so powerfully, I am full of deep gratitude for your wisdom. This is life-changing. We women need to use our thinking more, rather than being too emotional. This is hard to do!!!! My relative know it is not good for her but every time after she cried her eyes out with us for hours and days, she forgot our good suggestions and kept going right back to him as soon as he pull the string a little bit (by promising the smallest and ridiculously deceptive immature tricks, even a 2-yr-old ought to know the truthfulness or not). Get friend’s help and do not battle this alone. Please don’t be getting blind spot, boy, it is so destructive. Pray for strength, nothing elase one can do

Tanya says:

Hi, I am so Grateful for your videos. I am learning a lot and practicing some things. I’ve never heard anyone explain these topics so clearly and practically. The videos are very helpful. I now realize that the freedom comes from DOING the work. Thank You so Much.

Leo Gura says:

Cool, you bet

Denise says:

I feel you’re right on target here.

I will not sleep with a man no matter how attracted I am to him in the beginning. I find generally if I see a man 3 times, I am no longer attracted to him for exactly the reasons you say I would be as they have become repulsive having turned those things on me then for not getting what they wanted right away.

Most men like this can pass the mark for 3 months, but they can’t make 6. Rarely can they make a year. However, the kind of man you want may only be interesting as a friend at first, however, if you spend a lot of time with him, you’ll come to love him deeply.

Jerks are only good in bed 2 or 3 times, but as you say, Leo, by then the imprint is made and it is a challenge to let them go. If you find a truly nice guy and fall in real love with him, you can possibly make it last. However, many nice guys, when they finally get that woman, it goes to their head and they want to prove to themselves what they have with you, they can have with any woman. If they do that, it is better to turn the bull out to pasture so he can see just what he is going to get.

Some women are attracted to nice guys when they are involved with someone else. The minute he’s been cut loose, those women loose interest. Any woman who accepts their nice guy back after he’s supposedly learned his lesson is a fool. Once he feels good about himself, he’ll only try it again.

I’m no dummy. I’m almost 60, but people think I’m 35 or 40 because I’m fit, have always juiced vegetables and don’t eat junk. It makes it difficult to find a man my age who is not trying to prove himself on a younger woman because he’s a control freak with a weak ego. Most men my age who like mature women, when they learn how old I am, freak out as they are concerned what others will think. So, it’s a challenge, but not one I’m attached to.

But I would say to any woman who wants a nice guy, take time to get to know men. If you’re strongly attracted them right away, there is probably something wrong with them. If you enjoy their company, you may develop real feelings for them later. If a man is not faithful to you when you’re not sleeping with him, he never will be because he is not committed in his heart.

There is no greater turn on than knowing you are with a man you can trust. That would be a man who has only eyes for you.

As you say, Leo, great sex will not commit a man to a woman, but it will commit a woman to a man. Better to find a man who is emotionally committed to you. Only then can a woman truly commit functionally and happily to a man. Anything else is misery.

Leo Gura says:

I don’t know about that… great sex certainly helps commit a man to a woman. Men are lazy. If they get good sex, they are generally satisfied and can put up with a lot of bullshit.

I don’t think it’s just ego which causes men to go for younger women. It’s how we are wired. Just like women are wired to go after older men (in general). Because men are attracted to looks and women are attracted to strength of personality. Apples and oranges.

Emma says:

This video may as well have been written about me, absolutely spot on. It explains everything, thank you

Thomas says:

I find in the past I have always portrayed as mix or these attributes . But if it is a girl I do actually like, I will tone it down as the relationship continues . I will adopt a more caring / dominate roll, not put up with any bullshit or should I say not be effected by any of her female bullshit which is always going to be there. But at the start of the interactions alway dominate, teasing mixed with plenty of humour . This has alway worked for me

Leo Gura says:

That’s the ideal way to do it.

Lauren says:

Hi Leo,

I love, love, love these videos! As a fellow positive psychology enthusiast, I deeply admire the way you’ve taken highly-theoretical frameworks like social exchange theory, self determination theory, theory of planned behavior, the drama triangle, mindfulness training, etc. and turned them into easy-to-digest videos, clearly demonstrating how these concepts show up in the real world. The way you break the underlying psychology down using layman’s terms to explain why it matters and how to practice it is very empowering.

After studying social exchange theory in high school while in a toxic relationship, I realized I was dissatisfied but highly dependent because of a perceived lack of alternatives… this framework led me to the exact realizations you outline in this video. I’ve been using a very similar explanation of it to counsel friends out of toxic relationships ever since, so It’s crazy to see someone else sum up what I learned so nicely!

Anyway, I very much appreciate how much time and energy you’ve dedicated to sharing these lessons with the world free of charge. The content you’ve created on Actualized.org is truly inspirational. I am a huge fan.

Cheers,
Lauren

Lauren says:

And as a build on my last message, after dating both the toxic asshole and passionless nice guy, I’m finally dating an assertive, “socially proofed” man who is also committed, empathetic and intimate. As Leo outlines through his videos, this is because I stopped searching outwardly for the perfect guy and started focusing inwardly on reaching my fullest potential. I’m confident I’ve finally found this “unicorn” relationship because of the years I’ve invested practicing positive psychology. Since we both believe we could have anyone, the power distribution is equal, allowing for an interdependent relationship defined by support and encouragement rather than reliance and codependence. Maintaining this inward focus and only turning to each other for support (never rescuing) is key. A healthy indicator is that there’s no jealousy what-so-ever. Lastly, if you ever find yourself trying to evoke a concerned reaction from your partner, try to change the dialogue and share things that will make him proud. Supportive relationships are founded on honest discussions about the ways you’re making progress toward your goals, not cries for help.

Leo Gura says:

Good work

Leo Gura says:

Thanks

Karin says:

These videos are awesome. I’m sad that I came a cross them only now but I’m very excited to learn more from you. You make a lot of sense and I hope I can put your techniques into practise in my life. Currently I’m still trying to figure out if my guy is a nice guys that is as sexy as an “asshole” and if he’s genuine in trying to learn and grow as a human since he always professes that this is his aim and he also encourages me to do so as well.
Thanks a lot Leo

Natalie says:

I am beside myself right now. I didn’t know why my 15 year marriage and 4 kids later spiraled downward beginning before I even married him. He lost a limb in a drunken car accident in high school and I knew he was a playboy and mean. I figured I could help him through the pain and make him feel better and be a better man because of my undying and unconditional love. 6 months after I met him, he made it clear that we would have sex and I was agreeable but scared. The sex was so painful and I wondered why anyone would want to do that ever!! 9 months later, he begged me to marry him especially since I was pregnant. During our marriage, I never ever said no to sex because of my religious upbringing, but after “slam bam, thank you, ma’am” every single time, I never knew if I had an orgasm or not, but it turns out I never did during my time with him. His inhumane treatment of me and the kids continued to get worse. After our divorce, I finally understood that the universal law that you cannot fix anyone ever unless they want to change or be fixed is absolutely true. It was my fault because I had other intentions for marrying him. It has recently come to my attention that he is a psycopath who has no empathy for anyone. This has been an eye opener. I have forgiven him and I can be civil to him. It costs too much pain and wasted time to dwell on it any more. I have been successful from the day we divorced because I felt it must be a terrible place to be in his shoes.

Leo Gura says:

Sounds like a very rough life lesson. Good for you though for putting an end to this pattern.

brian says:

Leo, take this to heart man, but the your videos are priceless to a lot of us. Many of us are out of work for various reasons, not just being lazy. I’m not sure if you have experienced it, but it can demolish any sense of self-esteem or confidence if you’re a man and cant make ends meet. most generalize us and call us lazy not even knowing the circumstances, which doesn’t help, but the fact that you make these videos for us is a blessing in its own. The rich guys that can afford this kind of hope are usually rich enough to be confident enough to not need it. Those of us that are broke and cant afford this luxury really appreciate the boost that’s prevent us from taking a turn for the worse, know what I mean? Thank you, sincerely. I don’t mean to be sappy, but your efforts are appreciated and you really need to know that.

Leo Gura says:

My pleasure. Put it to good use.

Asaiah Powers says:

So leo wait a minite the point in all this is to ask my self quesions and answer my own questions as an independent thinker and girls should be #2 or #8 of my life purpose but it is hard.im in most guys situations where we dont know how to challenge a woman neither being swayed by her various emotions,getting over our fears.like mine is that the girl is going to think im a creep for approaching, because for some reason most girls percieve me to be threating.(worst fear is getting maced).Any suggestios?

Leo Gura says:

Worst fear is getting maced?! Lol… man, you must suck REALLY bad with women. I have approached several thousands women, many of them I approach very aggressively, and the worst that’s happened to me is I got punched in the mouth once and scratched on my neck once. And once some dude threatened to beat me up for hitting on his wife.

The fact is that in 99.99% of approaches nothing at all bad happens, except your ego gets beat up.

Asaiah Powers says:

(over exagerated mace shit) i approached 1 girl, she thought i was harassing her and if i didnt stop i would be suspended and i felt discouraged. Yet there were other times where i approached strongly and it wasnt that bad in fact it was fun. So what youre telling me is not to hold back?

Leo Gura says:

That’s exactly the problem. You over-exaggerate shit. In reality, there’s little to fear.

Katelin says:

I just wanted to say that recently I have been very into the law of attraction and have been looking more into it. I found your video on youtube about it and then came there to see what other insight I could get. This is the first video I have watched from the sight, and I do not think I will watch any more. I was very impressed with the law of attraction but could not get myself to finish this video. I do not feel like this video was very respectful. We are suppose to be looking and searching for the good and happy things and this video was very negative and stereotypical. Using swear words and other negative words towards anyone is not okay in my eyes. I am not saying that the subject or the information you are giving is false, but the way it is presented is not right or respectful to all viewers. After watching the law of attraction video and then going to this I am doubting everything you have said before in the other video. How am I suppose to take advice from someone when they don’t seem to be taking it themselves? People who are truly happy do not disrespect or put other people down; they see the value in every single individual. I am not saying that I have a problem with you or your information, I just wish it was presented in a more respectful manner.

Bogusz says:

Yes! That video made me laught hard like a mad monk when he hears the truth. All that you said here is like a joke that’s true and it never gets old.

One question Leo which you know you don’t have to answer. In one video you said you have Russian ansestry and right on! You come from the land of great writers and the best indoeuropean language for singing in the whole world. I just got an eyefull of your of your surname and it sounds Polish to me. Maybe it’s just me because I’m Polish and I’m biassed. My question is do you also have Polish ansestry?

And when it comes to being a nice guy vs. an asshole. Guys you can either be assholes, nice guys or good guys. In my opinion the asshole is an asshole, the nice guy is the nice guy, and the good guy always does what he feels is the right thing to do, he listens to his moral compas and it often means not being a nice guy. To me that’s the middle path but it takes growing a back bone and working on keeping it streight. Thank you for reading this comment writting it was fun.

Asaiah Powers says:

Thanks much leo learning from this getting the girl isnt the point its the journy of the game that devolpos the groves within my will power-flirting ,confidence, these public relations techniqes are 2ndary.Character ethic comes 1st this is where ive had this realization-i bealve there are 2 general forces in this universe the force that penetrates & contracts as a beam of foucs,consciousness.And the force that expands in beuaty and a mystery of possiblites.were simply biological expressions of these forces that intermingle crafting an art greater than the forces seperated creating a creativity thats grounded.

ccv says:

Hi
is being an asshol and that kind of guy who attract hot women’s bad? Is it possible to attract women’s without being an asshol? I mean i am that guy, i start being a good guy who listen to her problems carefully and take care every minute of her , but just at the beginning, aftar a while and especially after sex, i really become like you said : “a wall”

Leo Gura says:

Even a blind chipmunk will find a nut once in a while But if you want to attract really hot girls consistently, you must learn to be more of an asshole and be cool with it. Don’t become a wall. Just be a bit of dick to grab her attention.

ccv says:

Okey im cool with that

Asaiah Powers says:

So Leo,with approaching women do you THINK or do you NOT THINK?like what was your mindset when there was an attractive woman right in front of you like an 7 or 10? would you THINK of what to say or just walk up to her, say whatever pops into your head?

Leo Gura says:

Yeah, you just be playful and feel good in your own body. You should not be thinking too much about anything. Pretend like you’re wasted and you don’t care about anything

Asaiah Powers says:

Thanks Leo so basiclly women just go with the emotions there sensing off you ,right?cool. Another issue i git is most of the time i get in a social group people can sense my anxiety,like the black death and they uhh this is kinda funny but not they leave instictivly. seriously they scatter like the tear gas came in .Shouldnt i approach more groups until success? Mellow the ego? what do you suggest?

Asaiah Powers says:

(Right category)Are differences of the opposite sex in terms of attraction and behavior due to our genetics/physiology or culturally influenced perceptions/paradigms of males & females?Or both?

Leo Gura says:

Both, but more physiological than cultural.

Asaiah Powers says:

So if thats true then that means it doesn’t matter what “brand” of traits i have. All i have to do is gain confidence in whatever I’m doing creating masculinity thus making MY OWN “brand”. For example I’m black and i don’t live up to the vague expectations of what an ideal black man is according to the culture so that means i gotta strengthen the attributes i already have to increase my odds of attraction.

Leo Gura says:

Correct

Asaiah Powers says:

It doesnt matter how much i know about this regardless of how i try to justify everything-i still SUCK with girls, and its not just girls because even if i had a girlfriend or whatever in place i would still feel like shit even though i found your website and had certain insights and thats nice but doesnt help me,i learned its hard to change,everything we do is a habit and im not going to rush self devolpment but i have alot of catching up to do wth my habits +&-.Im a teen yet i only have about say 60 or 70 years left on this earth and bitching about what i dont have wont help even you pointing out my issues wont help because in the end i still have to solve them. My growth is a choice that takes sheer will power not a quick fix. So thanks for pointing me in the right direction.

Leo Gura says:

Look, dude… Getting good with girls is not about theory. Theory is a nice starting point, but you gotta go out and talk to at least 2000 girls to start to develop any sort of proficiency. I dedicated 1.5 years of my life solid to approaching girls. I had to approach about 4000 girls and I’m still not anywhere near as good as I want be. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on professional coaching to get better. I’ve attended seminars across the country. I’ve studied several hundred hours of pickup theory. I’ve literally picked the brains of the best guys in the world. I had to travel across the country. I had to pack up and move 1200 miles and pay lots of money to do it.

That’s not to brag. That’s simply to show that it takes massive effort to get good at something you suck at.

Don’t let this discourage you. It’s been a fantastic ride for me and I wouldn’t ever give it up. But it has been challenging to say the least.

Jennifer says:

I think you are right on!!! Excellent advice, thank you. I especially liked the part where you admit that even you will be tempted to abuse your power in certain situations, that is a real eye opener.

Bogusz says:

My friend told me about something he read in a book on psychopaths. There’s one guy who when he goes out on the town with his mates he plays the rejection game with them. The point of the game is to hit on as many women as possible and the guy who gets rejected the least times ends up paying for the lot of them, footing the bill for the whole night. I wanna play that game with my friend as soon as I get the money to do that.

Anyone wants to play that game? I dare you.

I don’t give a fuck about being rejected and I don’t feel I need to be an asswhole to do that.

The truth is you’ll get rejected and then what? The Earth is going to open up and spew fire at your balls?

Get real! It’s all in your head and so is being or not being an asswhole for that matter.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year!

Brian says:

Leo growing up i was shy scared to talk to girls, then i used cold approach became good with women, then i went back to being scared. Since watching your videos i feel i, i am more clear and relaxed and alot of girls i know i have them cracking up. All of a sudden my funny side came back out. They keep laughing and saying Brian you are such an asshole, but they keep calling me and i keep having fun. How funny is it that now i feel so much more confident and i am being my true self and its really working out. They still think i am nice but they respect me more and know i have many other options.

I think you are a magician of the mind

Leo Gura says:

Yes, that’s how it works. Just don’t go to the dark side with it.

Brian says:

I realized if i get the girl i get something i didnt have before, and if i dont get the girl i didnt lose anything anyway because i never had her before. It is a win, win. The only time you lose is if you dont talk to the girl. I walked up to this girl and told her a joke and said. Hey its a pleasure to meet me and smiled. She thought for a minute and said omg that is the funniest thing a guy ever said to me. I said wow you must really get some lame guys approach you. LOL

Brian says:

To the guy that said about shy guys i am gonna be honest with you. I use to be out-going got tons of girls. I reverted back to being shy i had the longest dry spot in my adult life. Shy= lack of confidence, lack of self esteem, it shows a women you have no balls. Shy guys get big forearms lol. As soon as i started being out going i had more options. If your shy in life you limit your potential. Think about being shy as in only applying to one job and waiting for them to call, as opposed to sending out your resume to 1000 different companies. It only makes sense you have more opportunities. If you can talk to 1000 girls and get 5 percent that equals out to 50 girls.

Asaiah Powers says:

Leo im confused do women want men to validate their emotions to test if were SUBLICATING,to screen that were a low value nice guy, or is it that they talk for RAPPORT and just want to be closer,likea let out emotions sort of thing?

Leo Gura says:

Both! They will test you to see if you’re a real man or just pretending. You have to learn to navigate their shit tests.

Upon first meeting a girl, she will usually test your value as a man: Are you strong? Are you capable? Are you healthy? Or are you a pussy? Then, after she sees you’re not a pussy but a real man, she decide that you are worthy of having sex with her. At this point though she will first want emotional connection. So she will switch her tests to verify that you’re not a player who will just have sex with her and run off.

This is difficult to understand in theory. You have to actually experience women doing it to you lots of times. You will fail lots of tests before you learn how to pass them. So be prepared to lose lots of girls at first as you’re still learning.

Cristina says:

What I find funny is that many nice guys have got into this sort of material and had a revelation on how things work or simply they figured it out by themselves observing the assholes’ “technique” but they keep being nice guys pretending to be assholes in order to get chicks, and that makes things even worse, because you can tell by the very start. The women are very perceptive.

I can tell you’re a nice guy Leo by the simple fact that when you said one should go for a nice, caring guy,that doesn’t treat a woman like shit, your eyes got glassy. Well, an asshole can’t empathize with nice guys, more, he considers them to be pussies or losers

Not only that, but an asshole will never reflect on these things because he’s kinda shallow and simply doesn’t give a shit. He goes along with the thinking that women are weak or maybe stupid and he’s a smartass to fool them all, it gives him that feeling he’s the king of the jungle. That’s very primal and it happens out of ignorance or out of some physical/emotional complex or frustration he’s got and tries to cover up.

Most of them belong to the second example, they are smart but they’ve got some sort of inner problem with themselves and that makes them toxic ( the short men tend to be that type, or the bald ones, the poor ones, the abused ones, those who felt unapreciated when kids or lacked affection and attention, or they had a rough relationship with their fathers, or their fathers used to be players and they tend to follow the same pattern, maybe the ex-nice guys who suffered a love drama or have been rejected etc) there are many reasons deep down.

I guess most women came across assholes in their lives and unfortunately many of them became their victims, in their attempt to change them.

People never really change deep inside. If you’re a nice guy you’ll keep being a nice guy for the rest of your life, you can only adjust your behavior towards women, and if you’re an asshole no woman will EVER change you. The more you’ll try to be something you’re not, the more you’ll hurt and if you think not getting chicks is the worse in life, think about losing yourself.

Women tend to have this martyr syndrome, and take the unsolicited position of the savior. I’ve seen women in their 40s who behave like kids, they lack personality, they’re fucking naive and accept any bullshit, they’re like in a trance, no matter how you try to open their eyes, they seem not to wake up. The worse is when they won’t admit being abused even though they are miserably unhappy and their lives are controlled and fucked up.

I’ve known such a guy, not only asshole, but so damn smart and handsome (the George Clooney type) and yea he divorced twice and destroyed those women’s lives for good, leaving them abandoned and with children to raise. He keeps screwing up and doesn’t seem to put an end to this,I guess he never will.

Then there was another one who once told me that women actually love to be played, the on and off shit, the constant drama keeps them entertained. I’d say, poor him. He has no idea what a relationship means and how much he loses.

From the outside it looks like these people are alien, they have no feelings for anyone in this world

I guess that a human being needs some sort of attachment to others, they need affection and love, or that feeling of belonging to someone, the need to offer love… It must be very sad to live like this, all alone inside, fooling around, having a shitty inner life, cause honestly I don’t think this sort of people can ever be happy or fulfilled.

So I would definetely go for the nice guy which I always did, but nice should mean a man who has enough self confidence not to look desperate or needy. A needy person has no appeal,no matter if it’s a man or a woman.
So nice guys out there, stop pretending to be what you’re not, stop playing the asshole, stop being fake. Smart women will never go for an ass and will never accept any bullshit.

Asaiah powers says:

Thanks Leo,I know igonna need lots of experience because thats how any mastery process works,by attempting over and over until you get better.

Asaiah powers says:

HAPPY 2015 LEO! Another question I attempted to apply theory at school which didnt havemuch effect due to a lack of any “TAGS” or status(no sports job etc) i became pissed and made a aloof arrogant attitude towards everyone. Then frankly recognition.Percieved as a caprecious assertiveness.so i figured to apply thery elsewhere and use this attitude rather as a control group and cold approach outside of school. So should i apply thery or assumebeing somewhat dickish?Er both?

Asaiah Powers says:

i take bake my last comment, i was just letting my emotions run me and see if people respect me or not. I mistaked assertiveness for being reactive

Asaiah Powers says:

Say Leo i wanted to add this analogy,remember what you talked about when the guy is penetrating her defenses creating depth,how she is recieving and the man is giving ,well i mirrored to the concept of music. That the man is CREATING his song as she is listening to his ups and downs thourgh his instument because thats how she is (ups and downs)like you said shes girly when he is masculine.Facinating

Asaiah Powers says:

Hi Leo could you have a video for guys for…HOW TO FLIRT?

Josie says:

You mentioned that when there is a “level-gap” between the girl and guy, he is more likely to abuse his power in the relationship.

What if the girl greatly narrowed that “level-gap”? Does that mean, if a girl becomes more attractive (in all senses of the word), a guy’s asshole behaviors will decrease?

Gin says:

Just watched the asshole video… I have to agree with you, I have pretty much always been attracted to assholes for the reasons you talk about (which causes immense frustration later on) & nice guys just don’t “do it” for me. Currently I’m not in a relationship so it’s easy to hear this, and hopefully absorb it. Actually, right now, I have very little interest or drive to even BE in another relationship. I’m enjoying the quiet time. But when I’m ready I hope I can take these lessons with me.. Thank you for the insight.

Asaiah Powers says:

Say Leo its one thing to tolerate a womens emotions but how do you uhhh somehow shift or leverage her emotions?

Jay says:

I think due to ones own experiences at some point, men start to hate those women (they once liked or loved or where sexually attracted to) that fell for those ‘other’ men and deemed those men as ‘assholes’ because the perception is ‘they’ (the ‘assholes’) got all the girls or damaged them. This video has nothing to do with ‘love’ its only about immaturity, sex/power, ego and lack of awareness etc. It happens, all people can learn or change if they want too. Men an Womens perceptions of love and sex change (though not always) – ‘biological clock or not’. Some people, men or women or transgender like sex and some people just want sex and others want love (which may or may not involve sex). So people create the reality they want. We all have lessons to learn (or not) even if those lessons are not what we wanted (but are needed) for self/personal development. E.g Boy not getting girl (vice versa) or girl treating boy badly (vice versa). We don’t always get what we think we need or want, as that is not the point. We all make mistakes, some the same, some different. The problem isn’t necessarily falling for those types of girls and or boys but learning and moving forward and changing if necessary, out perception of ourselves and others. Awareness. Lets not beat ourselves up about our mistakes. We all make them. Though we may not always learn.

Asaiah Powers says:

Its evident that women are attracted to the men with the like the”meat” the cultivation of an identity a strong one because uh like David deida says in his book that femimity is simply motion& change and that motion can envelop anything poteinal to simply perserve. Its like that in space ,in sex,pregnacy, relationships,thoughts,the body and obviosly her EMOTIONS. And women are more feminne when hes masculine this persona now persona is a fiction yet thoughts go with the action. so this strong sense of personaliy indicates direction shes only coming along in the jouney. Making a chemical attachment off of you. Heres one question though.Whem men &women behave you said it was through phsiology like how specificly?Where can i get the details(Amazon?)

jazelle says:

you rock & ur so dead on….you have me reevaluating myself in many ways….this is a good thing! ive needed to hear the things ur sayin for a long time now….thank you

jazelle

Asaiah Powers says:

Everyone! Everyone who sees this comment GET THE RED QUEEN by matt ridly!

Asaiah Powers says:

1.Dear Leo how can i get into pickup and professtional coaching on becoming more attractive like you did?
2.From a womans perspective i hear that guys are complicated when actullay were very simple.is it because average or below average guys have a distoted model of what attraction is confusing women? What is it?

Mase says:

“Stereo-nice-guy” causes codependent relationship even if independent women allows him.

fad says:

Hey leo, i have this one boyfriend, which we were once a best friend and dating for almost four five years, we broke up for four months and right now im trying to get him back after that broke up due to our bad relationship that had ruin because of toxicity of our relationship. I missed our relationship back then, so i am now keep on trying to get him back but it seems like he doesn’t really interested in me anymore. I don’t like the facts that he asked me to go find other person but we did had a phone call, he seems sweet yet still putting a boundries within. How to make this relationship work out so he can marry me someday? It’s frustrated that he try to pull himself out from our relationship. I really hope to get a reply from you. I want this relationship fresh and clean. I was forgeten what and how we broke off, maybe of my jealousy since he is an architect and a freelance photographer, he socialise with so many beautiful models out there which makes me feel insecurity before. The fact that he don’t feel as excited as before in our relationship, he tend to stay away from me instead of replying facebook massage. He blocked me through instagram, and whatsapp so i don’t diatrub his life anymore. But i belive i could save this relationship to last forever. I admit that he did physical abuse me but i am a kind of person who is easily forget and full of love. I don’t k ow how to overcome this kind of feelings, i think way too much like almost everyday now.. Could you help me about this leo?

Ni says:

Leo, you do big favor for a lot of people. GOD BLESS YOU

Jesse W says:

I bring this very topic to thought myself, “why is it in society does it look like women are attracted to aholes.”

When people say “women are naturally frightened by “kind men” is in fact, stemming from a fear of rejection. She will think, “this nice healthy man will not be able to put up with my constant arguing and might just call the cops to take me away, then take custody of my kids.” You see, when a rude guy picks up a hot chick at the bar, to us it might look like enviable romance, but once they start the relationship, it may turn into hel, because the psychosis/personality disorders will prevent a stable long term successful relationship.

We men would also have to ask ourselves, “why IS this woman so attractive to me?” Why are we so attracted to her? Women who have a significant level of psychosis, or personality disorders such as histrionic, will struggle with maintaining a romantic relationship with a man, and therefore will spend significant portions of time trying to attract a man, while single, or trying to keep the man she is with(because she feels like she is not good/healthy/normal enough). She will spend much time and thought trying to look and appear attractive in order to get/or maintain a man/stable relationship despite having these relationship challenges.

Jesse W says:

this is a test

Jesse W says:

There is plenty of logic in why women fall for aholes, and it ending up coming back to her. The reason why it is this way, is because women (and men) ALL do have a psychosis level. Whether full out psychotic, or ever so slightly barely noticeable. No one has ever been perfect. When you are dealing with, for example, a particular psychosis such as borderline personality disorder )which are people who come off to others as an ahole), the woman with this disorder will naturally be attracted to a man with this disorder strictly due to one of the most powerful emotions, empathy (you can help each other cope with your illness, because she has been in his shoes and vice versa).

Jesse W says:

Look at it this way to clarity. If a woman, in her twenties, who had a significantly low level of psychosis, would naturally be attracted to the same, hence two kind romantic partners, who can think, concentrate, and laugh easily. These relationships are the ones which are long term. This would result in the woman, and man, feeling satisfied with the way they look, therefore not spending much time and effort in order to be attractive (plastic surgery, diets, etc),

So asking ourselves again, “why would nice guys finish last, and the tough alpha guy get the hot chick?” Things are NOT always the way they seem/appear. The nice guy is simply sane enough to relax (except questionable envy) and has no idea how badly the alpha guy has it because he is so good at hiding it. This misconception explains how the gentleman sometimes gets tempted to become this supposed “alpha guy who gets any woman.”

You have to also understand the personality big five OCEAN, particularly considering agreeableness & neuroticism. The healthy mind will be high on agreeableness (understanding, forgiveness, kindness, etc) and low on neuroticism (mood swings, depression, confusion etc). By this knowledge, we can conclude that aggressive/tough attitude is not natural and can lead to relationship problems. In other words, consider this adage “Nice guys finish last, because they are too satisfied to keep trying.” You know, the guy who feels the winners are too embarrassing to look at or envy, so they feel no need to compete?

We have to also consider the fact that these two in a psychotic, alpha, aggressive relationship will also have other relationships within their lives in which there will be bitterness, anger and resentment within. Who better to protect you from the evil father/parents that a similarly psychotic/aggressive boyfriend/girlfriend at your side? Whereas, if the psychotic girl had the healthy kind bf, and she argues with her dad, the bf may highly likely take the dads’ side. This is the way it works, naturally. The bf would take the dads side and say “honey, we think you should see a doctor/get help”= and she’d get dominated

Jesse W says:

i had a lot more on the topic but it wont let me post it for nothing keeps saying i have special characters which arent allowed

Jesse W says:

i cant finish my reply for anything. It keeps saying “Invalid Message: Special Characters Not Allowed.” Says this even when there are no special characters.

Now, by now we can conclude, KINDNESS CAN DOMINATE. Ever hear “fight evil with kindness”? You don’t want to “fight fire with fire.” This is exactly what happens. Whenever someone dumps you for being too nice, it’s because you appear to be attempting to attract another kind person. Where are all the kind people?-STAYING IN THEIR relationships. It’s why they aren’t single! They are all so kind and good!

Also, when you see the hot chick, and you feel weak in competing with the alpha male, ask yourself this “once I get this girl, how long will I keep her?” Exactly! Your instincts already told you the answer by now “a couple days or couple weeks I guess”! “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Get a woman, because you love people, not sexiness.

Also, I feel that I must mention, for the folks who feel insecure about your sanity level, and/or personality health. It’s almost always caused by heavy metals such as lead, aluminum, mercury etc. And, heavy metal chelation using cilantro, chlorella, alfalfa, msm, nac, beta alanine, apple pectin, sam-e, onion, garlic and more bind to these toxins for removal. Heavy metals take the place in the body of minerals such as lead for calcium. Tom Cruise criticized psychology for this reason. Look up his youtube video arguing with Matt Lauer about it. Med companies will not make a profit from supplements. It is what it is.

Ivan says:

Leo. I hate women and just want to have sex with them because they are a pain in the ass. Every time I see a hot chick, I can’t help but to imagine her getting thrown from a moving car.

Annie says:

Dear Leo,

I am a 54 year old woman who got a divorce nearly two years ago, after 29 years of marriage. (Not my choice). I started dating this really “wonderful” man that a friend introduced me to. He was Ivy-League educated, owned his own business, successful, charismatic, and sexy as hell. He made me feel desirable again, and the sex was off the charts. I fell HARD. Whatever chemical that was in my brain for imprinting on assholes activated in full force, and I was hooked like an addict on really great smack.

There were huge red flags all along, and I ignored them all. I kept thinking that I could love the abuse out of him, (how stupid is that?)…. I am a successful, well-heeled business woman, and I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE when to jettison the bad business deals, BUT for the life of me, I COULD NOT dump this guy.

Well, true to your words, it became unbearable. He was controlling. He was SO critical and mean spirited. He tore me down in front of others, then would lure me back in with smoothness and promises. It was the carrot and the stick all the time. He was a narcissistic asshole, who constantly gaslighted me and triangulated me with all the other women in his life. It became really awful, but I convinced myself to stay because, well, did I mention that the sex was GREAT?

When I finally did split up with him, it was 18 months later, and I really beat myself up over it. It’s been nearly two weeks since the split and complete NO CONTACT, and I’m just now running out of tears and recrimination for myself. I’m just sick over it. I feel so damned stupid. I am 100% to blame for not heeding the red flags. In my rush to rebound and feel better after the bitter unhappy divorce, I leapt for “the asshole”……

With all that being said, however, I WILL RECOVER from this……and I have learned from this, and it will make me stronger, and I will use it to rebound and recover, rebuild and learn, and be better than I was before. I am resourceful that way. I always have been. I will not just survive, I WILL THRIVE, and he will fade into the ether in my rear-view mirror. This will make me a tiger, not a kitten.

Your video spoke to me, and I thank you for that. Keep up the good work.

kelly says:

Hello Leo,

Personally I am turned off by the arrogant, over confident man! I see through the smoke screen. Although sometimes the Asshole can come in difference forms…

I do agree that in my early twenties, I was a sucker……for a selfish dick head. Thank goodness, I discovered the shy sweet nerd…..so much sexier….

The reality is if you are hooked on Assholes you have low self esteem and are lacking self love.

Thanks for sharing……love your work.

Kelly.

Ashlyn says:

Hi Leo,

This video actually blew my mind! I had to share it with my friend, because we have always discussed this topic. We both know we are attracted to assholes, just couldn’t understand why. I believe that the ones who don’t agree with this are older and have realized this threw past experiences already, or they are in denial and refuse to believe that this is how their mind and body works… It’s sad knowing I am doing this to myself, and choose to continue being unhappy. But I believe you are right, and that some day my pain will take over and I will walk away. But anyway, great video! You have definitely opened my eyes to the issue.

Teagan says:

Perhaps the reason it’s takes such a long time for the pain to take effect in cutting off the relationship because we don’t allow ourselves to feel the pain and make excuses for the men we “love” until no more shit fits under the rug we sweep it under. I wonder if practicing mindfulness would be an effective solution? I shall let you know when I find out!

Meghan says:

Another Light bulb moment! Thanks Leo. I’m playing this clip many times to stay strong with my decision in leaving my 4 1/2 year asshole relationship. Interesting mostly on reading / hearing about myself in the scenario. Has given me much food for thought on working on my self beliefs etc.
Many thanks for opening up the sunshine within!

Carla says:

You should do a video about why men fall for bches, that also happens, A LOT

Pao Vang says:

Nothing more humorous than a bunch of guys who have never actually been laid discussing women. I include the so-called “expert” Leo in this.

Kendall says:

What’s up Leo , thanks for all the videos you do a great job breaking down all of these topics and I understood for the most part of how this situation works but I feel like I’m missing a certain piece that brings the rest of my game down when talking to girls . I believe I have a solid sense of humor and am attractive in most aspects but for some reason I can’t figure out how they have a woman attached verbally I guess . I can have a conversation with a girl if I make her the main focus but it only gets me so far a lot of the time . I spend a grand amount of time thinking about this but how do guys keep the ball rolling when talking to her . I just can’t seem to go on talking to someone to entertain them even for a night and a lot of the time talking to a girl the conversation just dies down and it ends there . Is there anything you think that I could put more work into changing?

So why do men fall for bitches?

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