How To Deal With A Breakup
By Leo Gura - November 24, 2014 | 66 Comments
Transform your breakup into a life-changing growth spurt
Hey, this is Leo from Actualized.org, and in this video I want to talk about how to deal with a breakup.
You’re going through a breakup. It feels miserable and shitty. You want your ex back, you wish she or he could take you back. You wish that if only one little thing was changed or if you or they did one little thing different, then everything would be smooth and okay. You wouldn’t be going through this torment that you’re going through now.
It feels awful. You feel like shit! I’ve been there. I don’t know if I have ever shared this story with you guys. The reason that I got into getting better with girls, learning attraction and female psychology, which lead me to personal development, was a breakup.
Because of a breakup that I had about three years ago, I really got serious about personal development. I want to tell you a little bit about that story because I was feeling some of the feelings that you are feeling now. What was important to me was that I made a couple of important decisions right then and there – at the end of this breakup. This really transformed my life. I think that your breakup can serve you in a positive way here as well.
In this video, I am going to tell you about how I got involved with that and what happened in that situation. Then, we are going to go over how to use a breakup to actually move yourself forward in life so that you are no longer that same miserable, pathetic and needy person that you were when you were in this bad relationship. Let’s face it: if you two are broken up, that didn’t happen by accident.
You might think that this little thing happened just there that made you break up. No, that’s not what happened here. The reason you two broke up and what actually happened is this – there are weaknesses inside of you that you need to resolve. There is learning that needs to happen about relationships and about the opposite sex. This is a journey that you need to go on.
My Breakup Story
Let me tell you a little bit about my story.
For most of my life, I wasn’t really interested in girls, but not because I didn’t like them sexually, but because I was very focused on my own life for a very long time. I was really focused on my career. I am very life purpose driven. I was working so much on that and I didn’t really date through high school and college because I just wasn’t interested.
My mind was elsewhere. I was also insecure about my looks and confidence. I was kind of a shy person, because I am naturally introverted and I wasn’t socializing enough through high school and college. This was, again, because I was so focused on my life purpose and career.
After I got out of college, my career started to take off and I started to do good financially. I then saw myself with quite a bit of free time. Now I’ve got the resources, time and money to actually go out there and do something. I then thought that I should really start dating. It was very funny because right at this moment — it was kind of serendipitous — I was a regular at my local gym, and there was a girl at the counter there who always looked at our IDs as we walked in.
She was sort of a receptionist girl. She developed an eye for me. It was funny. I remember I was on the treadmill, on the upper floor of the gym, and there was also a reception desk on that floor. She found some random reason to come over and talk to me.
It was interesting and it floored me, because at that point in my life, I never had a girl hit on me before. It wasn’t over the top, the way she approached me was very subtle, but obvious that she was interested in me. Of course, I thought this was cool. I was a little nervous because I had very little experience with girls at that point.
I hadn’t really dated many girls. I kind of just fumbled through it. We went on a couple of dates here and there. I was very reluctant and slow to pull the trigger with her, even though she was very into me. I was very slow to pull that trigger because I was insecure about myself.
I didn’t feel like I had that confidence that I needed to have. What ended up happening is that over the next few weeks, after about a month of dating and texting, she came to my apartment and we made out a lot. I should have pulled the trigger then. But then again, in my mind, I thought about how I didn’t want to be pushy with this girl and that I was going to be that nice guy, the Knight in shining armor that she probably wanted.
I was playing that role because I didn’t know better. She left that night. I got a little bit antsy with her through text messages the day after, because I was angry at myself that I didn’t close. I asked her when she was coming back and said that I wanted her back at my place. At that point, she saw that I was getting so needy with her that she just texted me and said — “You know what? I don’t think that we’re going to work out, I’m not really looking for a relationship right now.”
We were done! I didn’t even perceive that we were done. In her mind, we were done. In my mind, I thought she was just being a little bit coy. I could still get her back because I see her at my gym all the time. It’s not a big deal. We’ll just work it out!
Here’s the real “dagger in the heart” of this story. I was looking at Facebook. We were Facebook friends at that point, and it said that her status changed to “in a relationship”. This literally happened a week after she broke up with me. She’s glowing about how she’s in love with this guy! That’s not me! I looked at this and thought she was a bitch.
It felt like a dagger in my heart because, in my mind, I still thought that I was courting her and that I had a chance. This meant that I had no choice. I recognized that there was something very dysfunctional here. I’m very insecure about myself and my skills with women are really bad. I don’t have the experience that I need. I need to get this handled!
I recognized that I was at such a point, with so little experience, that I needed more than just reading a couple of tips on some website or in some magazine. I needed serious professional help. At that point, I was willing to go and do whatever it takes in order to get good with girls.
During that time, when I saw that Facebook update, I remember I felt very miserable. If only I could be with this girl! My life would be perfect, everything would work out. How could I be so stupid to make a couple of these mistakes? I wish I could turn back time and make just a couple of course corrections.
I was still sort of scheming and plotting about how I could get her back. In my mind, I literally didn’t see myself having other opportunities. I saw that I didn’t have the skills I needed to attract girls and girls don’t really approach me. This was once in a lifetime that a girl came and approached me.
To me, this was a very rare opportunity that I had blown. I was really beating myself up for it and feeling bad. However, I made this important decision. I am going to get better with girls! Yes, I want this girl back, but if I don’t, I’m going to get better with girls! I’m going to work on myself. I am going to take the control in my own hands and make it happen. I’m not going to leave it up to fate anymore. It’s too painful. Fate doesn’t work out too well.
After this, I began to get involved. I began approaching plenty of girls in nightclubs and bars. I’ve been doing that for a couple of years, developing the skills I needed. I got really good and a lot of other amazing stuff happened along the way. It wasn’t just about going out and hooking up with girls.
The biggest benefits I got from this were the personal growths that I experienced as a man. I also built my character, confidence, learned more about personal development, relationships and sexuality, dating and attraction and about meditation as well. I learned how to become more masculine.
This kind of stuff was really rewarding. It ultimately led me to life coaching, which led me to shooting these videos. My life had changed dramatically from that point in time, when I had decided to forget about that girl and focus on my future. What has all of this got to do with your breakup?
This pertains directly to your breakup because, right now, you’re in this point where I was at several years ago. You are in this very painful point and you want to end the pain by going back to your ex. You want to do this, or you want to retreat in some other way. What I’m here to tell you is I want to introduce this idea to you — what you are experiencing now is painful, but you should recognize that it is a good pain.
The Good Pain
There is good pain in life. Use it.
This is one of the rare moments when the pain is good and you have to recognize it. The emotional suffering that you are going through is actually a good thing. You’re beating yourself up, feeling needy and lonely, desperate and angry – this is good! I want you to use this.
After you watch this video, I want you to look at breakups as something good. They are not a bad thing. If you’re feeling painful and miserable, even better! It’s easy for me to say this now because I’m not feeling the pain. I was wise enough to see this several years ago. I’ve had breakups afterwards as well.
This wasn’t my only breakup. I’ve had breakups after which I was really miserable and driving myself nuts. I was still wise enough and I used my future as a way to console myself in the present. I want you to use your bad feelings as motivation to move forward in life and to paint a bigger picture for yourself. What does this mean?
There Is A Reason For A Breakup
Like I mentioned earlier, you didn’t break up for no reason. If you broke up, you broke up for a good reason.
There are weaknesses inside of you that you need to work on. You have to work out some stuff with your personality. There is learning that needs to happen. You need to learn about how the opposite sex thinks — how they work. You also need to learn stuff about yourself.
This breakup could have happened for a hundred different reasons. We cannot cover all of them here. You need to discover why this breakup happened and your responsibility in it, without blaming the other person. Take full responsibility for what was going on there.
You need to learn these lessons and tell yourself that you logically know what these lessons are. You have to figure it out. Maybe it’s because you’re lonely and needy all of the time. Maybe you get into fits of anger and this person didn’t like that. Maybe it’s because you didn’t understand how the opposite sex thinks.
Identify the problem. Then, you have to commit to not just knowing about the problem, but to really fixing this area in your life permanently. You are going to use this breakup that you have right now and create and inflection in your life. There is going to be a divergence.
There is the path that you could have stayed on, which is just your normal and everyday life. If you go back to your relationship the way you want to right now because you are feeling lonely and needy, then your life is not going to change. It is just going to keep on going. You are not going to learn much. You’re going to feel comfortable and nice, but you’re just going to keep on going on the same trajectory.
However, if you set a big vision for yourself the way that I am telling you in this video, then you’ve got a chance to really boost your life. Make this a point that you can look back on and say – “That breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me”.
I’m not just being Poly Anna when I’m talking about this. When I look back at my breakup right now, I actually feel that way. I feel that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. If that girl had taken me back, that would have been the worst thing. I would have been my weak self to this very day. I am going to tell you about some of the things that you are going to be doing while watching this video.
Make some bold new plans for yourself. I am going to give you some ideas on what you should focus on with your personal growth. Here are the things that I want you to take stock of and ask yourself if you need more work in this area. If you do, you are going to go and work on them.
If you are a guy, learning how to attract women is very important. If you’re a regular guy, you won’t have as many options with women as you would like. You are not meeting the high quality women that you want, you’re not approaching them and they aren’t approaching you. Your opportunities are very few. This makes you needy and insecure. Learn what actually attracts women. It is probably not what you think it is, unless you have really studied it. A lot of this stuff is actually counterintuitive.
If you’re a woman, then it’s not really your job so much to attract a man — you do it through your looks. There isn’t much you should change about that. However, it still helps to learn what men are actually attracted to versus what you think they are attracted to. They are probably not attracted to the things that you think they are, as a woman. This might also be very eye-opening for you.
Build A Stronger Social Circle
This is especially important if you are a woman. As men, we are expected to go and approach women. This is currently culturally acceptable and cool. I can tell guys to get better at approaching girls at bars and clubs. Women rarely do this.
As a woman, how do you get more high quality men into your life that you could potentially date? You can do this trough a social circle. Most women meet most of their boyfriends and husbands, or whoever they are dating and having sex with, through having a big social circle. The bigger your social circle is, the more people you will be running into!
As a guy, you could also build a social circle. This is not something that is meant for women only. Many guys who wanted to find girls also attracted them through social circles, like friends of friends that you know. You meet new people, they introduce you to their friend and you go on a date.
Learn Better Relationship Skills
After you attract a person, where are you faltering in your relationship skills? What are the areas that you are not very good at? It’s probably communication. You probably don’t know how to communicate very well with men or women. You need to get better at that!
There are books that you can read, seminars and online classes you can take, videos that you can watch, people you can talk to, coaching and therapy that you can get and so on. This is a subject that has been much studied. There have been a lot of books written on this — a lot of good theory about how to communicate effectively in a relationship and how to understand the way relationships work.
This is not stuff that happens naturally. Being good at relationships is not something that just happens. The only thing that naturally happens with relationships is that most of them break up. If you want a happy and long term relationship, you have to work on that.
Work On Building A Better Life For Yourself
This is very important. Part of the reason why people don’t want to be in a relationship with you might be because you often don’t have a much put together life. This might also be the reason why somebody left you. I don’t mean this in a way where your boyfriend or girlfriend tell you that they don’t like your life because it isn’t super successful.
For example, because you don’t have enough friends in your life, you feel lonely and needy. Then, that loneliness and neediness pushes upon your partner. That makes him or her feel really bad. Then, they leave you because they perceived you as needy or desperate.
Another example is perhaps you don’t have a very nice career in your life. You don’t have a lot of sense for life purpose. You’re not really passionate, you’re sort of lazy and slacking off. You don’t have the kind of money that you want. Your partner perceives that and this lowers you in their eyes.
Some people just don’t want to be with people who are lazy, slackers or unpassionate about life. Then, they leave you. Maybe, you don’t have high quality hobbies in your life. There is nothing interesting that you do. Again, what does that do?
This probably makes you a sour, bitter and miserable person to be around. Maybe, you’re very negative, or you have a lot of childhood issues. Because of some of these things, you don’t have any hobbies present in your life. The other person notices that. Just because you are becoming a bitter and sour person, you are souring your relationship.
Get a good career, get your finances in shape and get your health into shape. The best thing a woman can do to attract a high quality man is to work on her fitness and nutrition. This kills two birds with one stone, because not only are you doing this for a guy, but you’re doing this for yourself and your long term health.
If you’re a guy, do this as well. Girls appreciate a guy who has nice muscles, and you will appreciate it too. This is something you should really be doing for yourself. Get some nice hobbies, things that you are passionate about and love doing. Find a nice circle of friends so that you become happier in your life.
If having friends makes you happy, get them. If friends aren’t as necessary for you, then put in the pieces of your life that are making you happy. Don’t think that you’re doing this just to find someone – no, you’re doing this to make you the best possible you that you can be. You’re doing this to be happy.
When you’re happy, confident and secure, people get attracted to that. This is what attraction is based on. People love people like that, and such people are rare in life. When you meet a person who is really happy, successful, has everything together, is doing stuff they love and so on, then such a person doesn’t need anything to complete them.
This makes them extremely and magnetically attractive. It’s an amazing thing because you are actually killing two birds with one stone, as I mentioned before. Firstly, you are doing it for yourself. Secondly, it gets you the kind of partners that you want.
Work On Your Neediness Issues
Some of the things that I have already mentioned will help you with that. Sometimes though, you need to go even a step further. Neediness kills relationships. If you’re a guy and you’re needy with a girl, that becomes a death sentence for your relationship.
Women hate needy men. That is the most repulsive thing that they could encounter in a relationship. They hate a needy man more than they hate an abusive man. It’s freaky. You must really work on your neediness. What does that mean?
I am going to have other videos which will talk more specifically about that. In brief, if you are needy and always desperate for sex, you need to go out and get that out of your system. Go and have sex with a lot of girls, date them and have fun so that you stop feeling this desperation for sex.
If you’re a woman and feeling neediness, you need a strong man to be that pillar that you want and you can’t bear to be alone, you also need to work that out. Guys can feel that too. It’s not that guys are always needy with sex. They can also be needy in the form of companionship or something else.
If you’re really stuck on neediness, this means that you have really old trauma in the past – childhood issues, you were neglected when you were young, perhaps abandoned by your parents, there was a divorce in your life and similar issues. This affected you in some way that it now makes you always needy for love, sex and companionship. This is ruining your relationships. Work on that.
Get Rid Neurotic And Emotional Issues
Neediness is one of these. Also focus on things like anger, jealousy, toxic negativity or depression. Nothing will poison your relationship more than one of these mentioned things. When you are a toxic, negative and mean person, nobody wants to be around you no matter how much they love you.
Even if you get someone in a relationship with you and they love you a lot, they will ultimately be forced to reevaluate the decision of being with you. A successful and happy person doesn’t want to be around people like that.
You need to work these things out. This usually involves some deep work. You might want some coaching, therapy, books, more of my videos, self-therapy or some other different ways of working on this stuff. It is important to start and look at this.
Work On Your Bad Habits
Do you smoke, drink, or are you maybe overeating? Do you eat really unhealthy foods? Do you take drugs? Are you addicted to something? Are you addicted to television, internet or pornography? Any kind of addictions or bad habits that you have also jeopardize your relationship.
You don’t have to be paranoid about this stuff. I’m not telling you that you need to become the perfect person. Again, remember why you are doing this – you are really doing this as part of the self-actualization process. You are self-actualizing for you, and not for somebody else.
You should be working on your bad habits anyway, because they are already destroying your life. The only point I’m making here is to notice how all of these bad things in your life are making you miserable. This misery is souring your relationship.
What you are weeding out of your personality is this toxicity and misery, which isn’t doing either of you any good.
We grow up in a very Hollywood romanced culture. We’re saturated by the media with love stories, romantic comedies, dramas and all of this stuff. Whether you are a guy or a girl, if you’re in the middle of a breakup, you feel so bad and think that something special has been lost.
This person was the perfect one! They were the one you were supposed to marry! He was your Knight in shining armor! She was the special girl and you will never find another one with whom you’re going to have such a special connection! She was the mother of your children and that’s why she was so special to you! He was your husband and so special to you, how are you ever going to recover from losing this person in your life?
Here’s the deal — Hollywood romance is bullshit. This feeling that you have is an illusion played on you by your mind. Deep down, you know this. You’re feeling miserable and you want this person back, but you know that this person is not really that special. You’ve got chemicals going around in your mind and you also have these ideas about romance and how special this person was to you.
There is also that idea of soulmates and that you have only one other soulmate. I hate to break it to you, but there are no “one” unique soulmates. This is actually really good news. If there was only one soulmate, this means that you’re screwed because if you didn’t click with this person and you screwed something up, they abandoned you.
I’m here to tell you that your life is not screwed. There are many amazing people out there for you to attract and develop relationships with. This person isn’t really that special. I guarantee that no matter how special this person was, no matter how much money they had or were sexy, beautiful and with an amazing sense of humor, there are thousands of people just like that out there.
They might be even better, right now, in your city and waiting to meet new people. Many of them are single and you can meet them. If you feel that this person is so extremely special and you’ll never get such a chance again, that signifies that you have a lack of abundance. You have a lack of options with the opposite sex in your life.
This is what I felt three years ago. It was real for me. It wasn’t an illusion, but a real problem. This is one of the problems that I want you to work on. I want you to build your abundance with the opposite sex or whoever you prefer to date. If it’s the same sex, that’s cool too. Build your abundance so that you have the options. Don’t feel like there’s only one or two persons that come along in a decade.
If your life functions that way, it’s because you didn’t design it properly. That’s okay. You can go back to the drawing board and fix that stuff, which is what we’re having you do here right now.
Here’s the bottom line — I want you to have a big vision for what your life is going to be. Your life is now going to be much bigger because of this breakup. I want you to keep reminding yourself of that every single day as you’re going through the pain of this breakup.
Maybe the pain will last a couple of weeks, maybe a couple of months – keep reminding yourself that you have a big vision now. The vision is that you are going to make yourself stronger and use this to grow.
You are going to work out every single sticking point in your personality. You are going to self-actualize and you don’t need someone to be there for you to do that. You are going to work on yourself, work on your sexual abundance and get better at relationships, learn how to attract the opposite sex better, get into shape, work on your bad habits, and work on your childhood neediness and anger issues.
Then, you’re going to be a really strong individual a couple of years from now – not in six months – a couple of years from now! Your vision is to be an amazing and strong individual. This is how you’re going to think from now on as you’re going through this pain.
The most important point of all, because I know how much you want to do this right now, is to not go back to your ex.
Do Not Go Back To Your Ex
If you do that, it will destroy everything that we have talked about here. If you go back to your ex, none of this stuff will happen. You’re probably telling yourself that this is all amazing, but could you have all of this and get your ex back? Wouldn’t that be the best case scenario?
You’re going to work on yourself and do all of this, but you’re also going to get your ex back. You’ll try, and maybe they will take you back.
If you do that, you will not develop yourself. You’re not going to have the motivation necessary. You’re going to fall back into your comfort zone. The stuff that we’ve talked about won’t happen. This vision of your amazing self and higher, self-actualized self, sexy and beautiful self with all the amazing options – which you could have in two years, with work – won’t exist if you go back to your ex.
If you go back to your ex, you’re not going to have that. Instead, you’re going to have a codependent and dysfunctional relationship. The summary is to not go back to your ex! Do not go back to your ex! Do not go back to your ex! Focus on your vision.
This is Leo, I’m signing off. This was how to deal with a breakup. Go ahead and post me your comments, like this video so it shoots up on YouTube, share it with your friends, post it on Facebook and so on.
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