How To Deal With A Breakup

By Leo Gura - November 24, 2014 | 67 Comments

Transform your breakup into a life-changing growth spurt

Video Transcript

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Hey, this is Leo from Actualized.org, and in this video I want to talk about how to deal with a breakup.

You’re going through a breakup. It feels miserable and shitty. You want your ex back, you wish she or he could take you back. You wish that if only one little thing was changed or if you or they did one little thing different, then everything would be smooth and okay. You wouldn’t be going through this torment that you’re going through now.

It feels awful. You feel like shit! I’ve been there. I don’t know if I have ever shared this story with you guys. The reason that I got into getting better with girls, learning attraction and female psychology, which lead me to personal development, was a breakup.

Because of a breakup that I had about three years ago, I really got serious about personal development. I want to tell you a little bit about that story because I was feeling some of the feelings that you are feeling now. What was important to me was that I made a couple of important decisions right then and there – at the end of this breakup. This really transformed my life. I think that your breakup can serve you in a positive way here as well.

In this video, I am going to tell you about how I got involved with that and what happened in that situation. Then, we are going to go over how to use a breakup to actually move yourself forward in life so that you are no longer that same miserable, pathetic and needy person that you were when you were in this bad relationship. Let’s face it: if you two are broken up, that didn’t happen by accident.

You might think that this little thing happened just there that made you break up. No, that’s not what happened here. The reason you two broke up and what actually happened is this – there are weaknesses inside of you that you need to resolve. There is learning that needs to happen about relationships and about the opposite sex. This is a journey that you need to go on.

My Breakup Story

Let me tell you a little bit about my story.

For most of my life, I wasn’t really interested in girls, but not because I didn’t like them sexually, but because I was very focused on my own life for a very long time. I was really focused on my career. I am very life purpose driven. I was working so much on that and I didn’t really date through high school and college because I just wasn’t interested.

My mind was elsewhere. I was also insecure about my looks and confidence. I was kind of a shy person, because I am naturally introverted and I wasn’t socializing enough through high school and college. This was, again, because I was so focused on my life purpose and career.

After I got out of college, my career started to take off and I started to do good financially. I then saw myself with quite a bit of free time. Now I’ve got the resources, time and money to actually go out there and do something. I then thought that I should really start dating. It was very funny because right at this moment — it was kind of serendipitous — I was a regular at my local gym, and there was a girl at the counter there who always looked at our IDs as we walked in.

She was sort of a receptionist girl. She developed an eye for me. It was funny. I remember I was on the treadmill, on the upper floor of the gym, and there was also a reception desk on that floor. She found some random reason to come over and talk to me.

It was interesting and it floored me, because at that point in my life, I never had a girl hit on me before. It wasn’t over the top, the way she approached me was very subtle, but obvious that she was interested in me. Of course, I thought this was cool. I was a little nervous because I had very little experience with girls at that point.

I hadn’t really dated many girls. I kind of just fumbled through it. We went on a couple of dates here and there. I was very reluctant and slow to pull the trigger with her, even though she was very into me. I was very slow to pull that trigger because I was insecure about myself.

I didn’t feel like I had that confidence that I needed to have. What ended up happening is that over the next few weeks, after about a month of dating and texting, she came to my apartment and we made out a lot. I should have pulled the trigger then. But then again, in my mind, I thought about how I didn’t want to be pushy with this girl and that I was going to be that nice guy, the Knight in shining armor that she probably wanted.

I was playing that role because I didn’t know better. She left that night. I got a little bit antsy with her through text messages the day after, because I was angry at myself that I didn’t close. I asked her when she was coming back and said that I wanted her back at my place. At that point, she saw that I was getting so needy with her that she just texted me and said — “You know what? I don’t think that we’re going to work out, I’m not really looking for a relationship right now.”

We were done! I didn’t even perceive that we were done. In her mind, we were done. In my mind, I thought she was just being a little bit coy. I could still get her back because I see her at my gym all the time. It’s not a big deal. We’ll just work it out!

Here’s the real “dagger in the heart” of this story. I was looking at Facebook. We were Facebook friends at that point, and it said that her status changed to “in a relationship”. This literally happened a week after she broke up with me. She’s glowing about how she’s in love with this guy! That’s not me! I looked at this and thought she was a bitch.

It felt like a dagger in my heart because, in my mind, I still thought that I was courting her and that I had a chance. This meant that I had no choice. I recognized that there was something very dysfunctional here. I’m very insecure about myself and my skills with women are really bad. I don’t have the experience that I need. I need to get this handled!

I recognized that I was at such a point, with so little experience, that I needed more than just reading a couple of tips on some website or in some magazine. I needed serious professional help. At that point, I was willing to go and do whatever it takes in order to get good with girls.

During that time, when I saw that Facebook update, I remember I felt very miserable. If only I could be with this girl! My life would be perfect, everything would work out. How could I be so stupid to make a couple of these mistakes? I wish I could turn back time and make just a couple of course corrections.

I was still sort of scheming and plotting about how I could get her back. In my mind, I literally didn’t see myself having other opportunities. I saw that I didn’t have the skills I needed to attract girls and girls don’t really approach me. This was once in a lifetime that a girl came and approached me.

To me, this was a very rare opportunity that I had blown. I was really beating myself up for it and feeling bad. However, I made this important decision. I am going to get better with girls! Yes, I want this girl back, but if I don’t, I’m going to get better with girls! I’m going to work on myself. I am going to take the control in my own hands and make it happen. I’m not going to leave it up to fate anymore. It’s too painful. Fate doesn’t work out too well.

Get Involved

After this, I began to get involved. I began approaching plenty of girls in nightclubs and bars. I’ve been doing that for a couple of years, developing the skills I needed. I got really good and a lot of other amazing stuff happened along the way. It wasn’t just about going out and hooking up with girls.

The biggest benefits I got from this were the personal growths that I experienced as a man. I also built my character, confidence, learned more about personal development, relationships and sexuality, dating and attraction and about meditation as well. I learned how to become more masculine.

This kind of stuff was really rewarding. It ultimately led me to life coaching, which led me to shooting these videos. My life had changed dramatically from that point in time, when I had decided to forget about that girl and focus on my future. What has all of this got to do with your breakup?

This pertains directly to your breakup because, right now, you’re in this point where I was at several years ago. You are in this very painful point and you want to end the pain by going back to your ex. You want to do this, or you want to retreat in some other way. What I’m here to tell you is I want to introduce this idea to you — what you are experiencing now is painful, but you should recognize that it is a good pain.

The Good Pain

There is good pain in life. Use it.
This is one of the rare moments when the pain is good and you have to recognize it. The emotional suffering that you are going through is actually a good thing. You’re beating yourself up, feeling needy and lonely, desperate and angry – this is good! I want you to use this.

After you watch this video, I want you to look at breakups as something good. They are not a bad thing. If you’re feeling painful and miserable, even better! It’s easy for me to say this now because I’m not feeling the pain. I was wise enough to see this several years ago. I’ve had breakups afterwards as well.

This wasn’t my only breakup. I’ve had breakups after which I was really miserable and driving myself nuts. I was still wise enough and I used my future as a way to console myself in the present. I want you to use your bad feelings as motivation to move forward in life and to paint a bigger picture for yourself. What does this mean?

There Is A Reason For A Breakup

Like I mentioned earlier, you didn’t break up for no reason. If you broke up, you broke up for a good reason.

There are weaknesses inside of you that you need to work on. You have to work out some stuff with your personality. There is learning that needs to happen. You need to learn about how the opposite sex thinks — how they work. You also need to learn stuff about yourself.

This breakup could have happened for a hundred different reasons. We cannot cover all of them here. You need to discover why this breakup happened and your responsibility in it, without blaming the other person. Take full responsibility for what was going on there.

You need to learn these lessons and tell yourself that you logically know what these lessons are. You have to figure it out. Maybe it’s because you’re lonely and needy all of the time. Maybe you get into fits of anger and this person didn’t like that. Maybe it’s because you didn’t understand how the opposite sex thinks.

Identify the problem. Then, you have to commit to not just knowing about the problem, but to really fixing this area in your life permanently. You are going to use this breakup that you have right now and create and inflection in your life. There is going to be a divergence.

There is the path that you could have stayed on, which is just your normal and everyday life. If you go back to your relationship the way you want to right now because you are feeling lonely and needy, then your life is not going to change. It is just going to keep on going. You are not going to learn much. You’re going to feel comfortable and nice, but you’re just going to keep on going on the same trajectory.

However, if you set a big vision for yourself the way that I am telling you in this video, then you’ve got a chance to really boost your life. Make this a point that you can look back on and say – “That breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me”.

I’m not just being Poly Anna when I’m talking about this. When I look back at my breakup right now, I actually feel that way. I feel that it was the best thing that could have happened to me. If that girl had taken me back, that would have been the worst thing. I would have been my weak self to this very day. I am going to tell you about some of the things that you are going to be doing while watching this video.

Make some bold new plans for yourself. I am going to give you some ideas on what you should focus on with your personal growth. Here are the things that I want you to take stock of and ask yourself if you need more work in this area. If you do, you are going to go and work on them.

Learning Attraction

If you are a guy, learning how to attract women is very important. If you’re a regular guy, you won’t have as many options with women as you would like. You are not meeting the high quality women that you want, you’re not approaching them and they aren’t approaching you. Your opportunities are very few. This makes you needy and insecure. Learn what actually attracts women. It is probably not what you think it is, unless you have really studied it. A lot of this stuff is actually counterintuitive.

If you’re a woman, then it’s not really your job so much to attract a man — you do it through your looks. There isn’t much you should change about that. However, it still helps to learn what men are actually attracted to versus what you think they are attracted to. They are probably not attracted to the things that you think they are, as a woman. This might also be very eye-opening for you.

Build A Stronger Social Circle

This is especially important if you are a woman. As men, we are expected to go and approach women. This is currently culturally acceptable and cool. I can tell guys to get better at approaching girls at bars and clubs. Women rarely do this.

As a woman, how do you get more high quality men into your life that you could potentially date? You can do this trough a social circle. Most women meet most of their boyfriends and husbands, or whoever they are dating and having sex with, through having a big social circle. The bigger your social circle is, the more people you will be running into!

As a guy, you could also build a social circle. This is not something that is meant for women only. Many guys who wanted to find girls also attracted them through social circles, like friends of friends that you know. You meet new people, they introduce you to their friend and you go on a date.

Learn Better Relationship Skills

After you attract a person, where are you faltering in your relationship skills? What are the areas that you are not very good at? It’s probably communication. You probably don’t know how to communicate very well with men or women. You need to get better at that!

There are books that you can read, seminars and online classes you can take, videos that you can watch, people you can talk to, coaching and therapy that you can get and so on. This is a subject that has been much studied. There have been a lot of books written on this — a lot of good theory about how to communicate effectively in a relationship and how to understand the way relationships work.

This is not stuff that happens naturally. Being good at relationships is not something that just happens. The only thing that naturally happens with relationships is that most of them break up. If you want a happy and long term relationship, you have to work on that.

Work On Building A Better Life For Yourself

This is very important. Part of the reason why people don’t want to be in a relationship with you might be because you often don’t have a much put together life. This might also be the reason why somebody left you. I don’t mean this in a way where your boyfriend or girlfriend tell you that they don’t like your life because it isn’t super successful.

For example, because you don’t have enough friends in your life, you feel lonely and needy. Then, that loneliness and neediness pushes upon your partner. That makes him or her feel really bad. Then, they leave you because they perceived you as needy or desperate.

Another example is perhaps you don’t have a very nice career in your life. You don’t have a lot of sense for life purpose. You’re not really passionate, you’re sort of lazy and slacking off. You don’t have the kind of money that you want. Your partner perceives that and this lowers you in their eyes.

Some people just don’t want to be with people who are lazy, slackers or unpassionate about life. Then, they leave you. Maybe, you don’t have high quality hobbies in your life. There is nothing interesting that you do. Again, what does that do?

This probably makes you a sour, bitter and miserable person to be around. Maybe, you’re very negative, or you have a lot of childhood issues. Because of some of these things, you don’t have any hobbies present in your life. The other person notices that. Just because you are becoming a bitter and sour person, you are souring your relationship.

Get a good career, get your finances in shape and get your health into shape. The best thing a woman can do to attract a high quality man is to work on her fitness and nutrition. This kills two birds with one stone, because not only are you doing this for a guy, but you’re doing this for yourself and your long term health.

If you’re a guy, do this as well. Girls appreciate a guy who has nice muscles, and you will appreciate it too. This is something you should really be doing for yourself. Get some nice hobbies, things that you are passionate about and love doing. Find a nice circle of friends so that you become happier in your life.

If having friends makes you happy, get them. If friends aren’t as necessary for you, then put in the pieces of your life that are making you happy. Don’t think that you’re doing this just to find someone – no, you’re doing this to make you the best possible you that you can be. You’re doing this to be happy.

When you’re happy, confident and secure, people get attracted to that. This is what attraction is based on. People love people like that, and such people are rare in life. When you meet a person who is really happy, successful, has everything together, is doing stuff they love and so on, then such a person doesn’t need anything to complete them.

This makes them extremely and magnetically attractive. It’s an amazing thing because you are actually killing two birds with one stone, as I mentioned before. Firstly, you are doing it for yourself. Secondly, it gets you the kind of partners that you want.

Work On Your Neediness Issues

Some of the things that I have already mentioned will help you with that. Sometimes though, you need to go even a step further. Neediness kills relationships. If you’re a guy and you’re needy with a girl, that becomes a death sentence for your relationship.

Women hate needy men. That is the most repulsive thing that they could encounter in a relationship. They hate a needy man more than they hate an abusive man. It’s freaky. You must really work on your neediness. What does that mean?

I am going to have other videos which will talk more specifically about that. In brief, if you are needy and always desperate for sex, you need to go out and get that out of your system. Go and have sex with a lot of girls, date them and have fun so that you stop feeling this desperation for sex.

If you’re a woman and feeling neediness, you need a strong man to be that pillar that you want and you can’t bear to be alone, you also need to work that out. Guys can feel that too. It’s not that guys are always needy with sex. They can also be needy in the form of companionship or something else.

If you’re really stuck on neediness, this means that you have really old trauma in the past – childhood issues, you were neglected when you were young, perhaps abandoned by your parents, there was a divorce in your life and similar issues. This affected you in some way that it now makes you always needy for love, sex and companionship. This is ruining your relationships. Work on that.

Get Rid Neurotic And Emotional Issues

Neediness is one of these. Also focus on things like anger, jealousy, toxic negativity or depression. Nothing will poison your relationship more than one of these mentioned things. When you are a toxic, negative and mean person, nobody wants to be around you no matter how much they love you.

Even if you get someone in a relationship with you and they love you a lot, they will ultimately be forced to reevaluate the decision of being with you. A successful and happy person doesn’t want to be around people like that.

You need to work these things out. This usually involves some deep work. You might want some coaching, therapy, books, more of my videos, self-therapy or some other different ways of working on this stuff. It is important to start and look at this.

Work On Your Bad Habits

Do you smoke, drink, or are you maybe overeating? Do you eat really unhealthy foods? Do you take drugs? Are you addicted to something? Are you addicted to television, internet or pornography? Any kind of addictions or bad habits that you have also jeopardize your relationship.

You don’t have to be paranoid about this stuff. I’m not telling you that you need to become the perfect person. Again, remember why you are doing this – you are really doing this as part of the self-actualization process. You are self-actualizing for you, and not for somebody else.

You should be working on your bad habits anyway, because they are already destroying your life. The only point I’m making here is to notice how all of these bad things in your life are making you miserable. This misery is souring your relationship.

What you are weeding out of your personality is this toxicity and misery, which isn’t doing either of you any good.

Romance

We grow up in a very Hollywood romanced culture. We’re saturated by the media with love stories, romantic comedies, dramas and all of this stuff. Whether you are a guy or a girl, if you’re in the middle of a breakup, you feel so bad and think that something special has been lost.

This person was the perfect one! They were the one you were supposed to marry! He was your Knight in shining armor! She was the special girl and you will never find another one with whom you’re going to have such a special connection! She was the mother of your children and that’s why she was so special to you! He was your husband and so special to you, how are you ever going to recover from losing this person in your life?

Here’s the deal — Hollywood romance is bullshit. This feeling that you have is an illusion played on you by your mind. Deep down, you know this. You’re feeling miserable and you want this person back, but you know that this person is not really that special. You’ve got chemicals going around in your mind and you also have these ideas about romance and how special this person was to you.

There is also that idea of soulmates and that you have only one other soulmate. I hate to break it to you, but there are no “one” unique soulmates. This is actually really good news. If there was only one soulmate, this means that you’re screwed because if you didn’t click with this person and you screwed something up, they abandoned you.

I’m here to tell you that your life is not screwed. There are many amazing people out there for you to attract and develop relationships with. This person isn’t really that special. I guarantee that no matter how special this person was, no matter how much money they had or were sexy, beautiful and with an amazing sense of humor, there are thousands of people just like that out there.

They might be even better, right now, in your city and waiting to meet new people. Many of them are single and you can meet them. If you feel that this person is so extremely special and you’ll never get such a chance again, that signifies that you have a lack of abundance. You have a lack of options with the opposite sex in your life.

This is what I felt three years ago. It was real for me. It wasn’t an illusion, but a real problem. This is one of the problems that I want you to work on. I want you to build your abundance with the opposite sex or whoever you prefer to date. If it’s the same sex, that’s cool too. Build your abundance so that you have the options. Don’t feel like there’s only one or two persons that come along in a decade.

If your life functions that way, it’s because you didn’t design it properly. That’s okay. You can go back to the drawing board and fix that stuff, which is what we’re having you do here right now.

Here’s the bottom line — I want you to have a big vision for what your life is going to be. Your life is now going to be much bigger because of this breakup. I want you to keep reminding yourself of that every single day as you’re going through the pain of this breakup.

Maybe the pain will last a couple of weeks, maybe a couple of months – keep reminding yourself that you have a big vision now. The vision is that you are going to make yourself stronger and use this to grow.

You are going to work out every single sticking point in your personality. You are going to self-actualize and you don’t need someone to be there for you to do that. You are going to work on yourself, work on your sexual abundance and get better at relationships, learn how to attract the opposite sex better, get into shape, work on your bad habits, and work on your childhood neediness and anger issues.

Then, you’re going to be a really strong individual a couple of years from now – not in six months – a couple of years from now! Your vision is to be an amazing and strong individual. This is how you’re going to think from now on as you’re going through this pain.

The most important point of all, because I know how much you want to do this right now, is to not go back to your ex.

Do Not Go Back To Your Ex

If you do that, it will destroy everything that we have talked about here. If you go back to your ex, none of this stuff will happen. You’re probably telling yourself that this is all amazing, but could you have all of this and get your ex back? Wouldn’t that be the best case scenario?

You’re going to work on yourself and do all of this, but you’re also going to get your ex back. You’ll try, and maybe they will take you back.

If you do that, you will not develop yourself. You’re not going to have the motivation necessary. You’re going to fall back into your comfort zone. The stuff that we’ve talked about won’t happen. This vision of your amazing self and higher, self-actualized self, sexy and beautiful self with all the amazing options – which you could have in two years, with work – won’t exist if you go back to your ex.

If you go back to your ex, you’re not going to have that. Instead, you’re going to have a codependent and dysfunctional relationship. The summary is to not go back to your ex! Do not go back to your ex! Do not go back to your ex! Focus on your vision.

Wrap Up

This is Leo, I’m signing off. This was how to deal with a breakup. Go ahead and post me your comments, like this video so it shoots up on YouTube, share it with your friends, post it on Facebook and so on.

The more of these videos are shared, the more free videos I can keep releasing. I love to release more free stuff. Also, don’t forget to sing up to my newsletter at Actualized.org! It easy to do and you will receive updates with all the videos I release.

These videos will help you on your journey to self-actualization. I want you to develop the most accurate mental model of reality and psychology. I want you to completely understand who you are, how you function, how to create an amazing life so that you never get stuck in life or feel bad about it again.

I want you to know how to set the right goals and what to do in life exactly. I want you to know how to improve any aspect of your life. What I do with Actualized.org is I give you the wisdom and the deep insight that you need to understand in order to make something happen. It’s not easy, and that’s why I got involved with self-development and started studying this stuff so much.

I began reading books, attending seminars, meeting experts, whose brains I get to pick. I love sharing these things with you. If you want to really master your life, this is a perfect opportunity. Sign up and you will get free updates. We’ve got some free, amazing, exclusive bonuses. Stay tuned for more great videos on how to improve yourself.

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Comments
(67)
Mahanga says:

Thanks for the video, it was good! Im going through a break up myself so
this video came to me at about the right time.( law of attraction) lol so everything u said is pretty much what im realising with having a bigger and better dream to look forward to and using it as reassurance. Thanks man.

JulianQuinn says:

Thanks for the free video, Leo. I appreciate them alot.
I have been thinking about a breakup from my younger girlfriend in hopes of finding an older more experienced girl.
I want a girl who I identify with intellectually and who is a joy to have sex with.
Neither of those are currently met. The emotional comfort of companionship keeps me from ending it.
I want to be strong and do the best I can at creating extraordinary experiences and not settling.
My gratitudes again for your honest and powerful advice.
I WONT GO BACK TO MY EX

Phil says:

I have had the same problem this year.. after my breakup of a 5 year relationship back in March… I have dated alot.. and there have been 2 girls that I went out with for a month or 2.. but I had to end it in both cases since I felt that I was in there for comfort and not to feel lonely… since cutting it off with the last girl 2 weeks ago.. I still feel somewhat lonely but also a great freedom…I think the key is to be completely ok with yourself and not to NEED anyone. Easier said than done.. especially when I am going to be 35 soon and everyone else is married etc… but the easy and most comfortable situations are not always the correct ones.

Moe says:

Hey Leo thanks for another great video (How to deal with break up)

Please help me understand, what was your mistake in that relationship!?
because you was shy didn’t try to have sex with her when she was with you?

I spent all my time focusing my career and goal and never had chance to have a date or romantic relationship even though the were some girls who were interested and came to me,but i didn’t understand ;

Now as a 28 years old man, i can say i am successful in my careers and i think i am in good shape but living in small town make me feel lonely and week! and i like to have a relationship!

But i procrastinate alot because my career is still most important thing in my life and i literally don’t have chance, time and energy to build a relationship

I have educations, shape and i have career but rarely girls show interest(well i never got club or bar or… ); i think i am a boring person who doesn’t have have big hobbies and friends…

yatin says:

Hi Leo, Thanks a lot for this really awesome video and perfect one for bouncing back from a broken relation. Last Sunday was the biggest day for me when I come across your website while searching for Self Help material, I am working on my self help since two years and Actualized.org is one of the best sites I visited and I am really grateful to you. Thanks again..

Leo Gura says:

Cool, welcome

Phil says:

What a brilliant video.. I more or less discovered the concepts from this video after my breakup back in March. The only thing I would also add to the “dont go back to your ex” would be… dont settle for a new girl just for comfort and not to be lonely.. I nearly fell into this trap 2 times this year with girls that where nice, but I felt deep down that they where not good matches.. it is vital if you want to push ahead and get out of that comfort zone. The only thing is, if a GREAT girl was to come along… would it be a mistake to push her away for the sake of self improvement? Also I am going to be 35 this January and feel that its going to be tough meeting new girls compared to my 20s (that I spent in relationships) what advice could you give on the age factor? Thanks for all these great videos Leo!

Leo Gura says:

35 is still young!

idio says:

So are there any situations that both people needed to learn about past mistakes and deside to dig in and work it out , or do we jump from partner to partner everytime things ain’t going the way we imagined? Seem like at some point we would say this relationship is toxic but with work can be fixed?

Leo Gura says:

Well, in this video I assume you were dumped or for whatever reason you already broke up. If you broke up, do not go back and try to fix things.

If you haven’t yet broken up, that’s a topic for another video.

Ashray says:

One thing that is motivating me for my self actualisation is that in my family, not my parents but my uncles and aunts etc, think I am kind of a rebellion. For example there was a custom that every child should take science, I broke it, I got in fight with my parents but I broke it, because of this, many other smaller children than me got their choice and many other stuff happened and so I am the rebellion .

Now that I think about it, it was because commerce looked more comfortable, science ‘looked’ tough. Not that I don’t like my subjects right now, that is I am not regretting my choice but thinking what would have happened if I had science right now.

I am thinking few years later if I am self actualized, what can happen that’s motivating me. I think I might be giving advices my age of people, even adults

Ashray says:

I am grounded for 2 years, that’s till my high school is finished, is the best thing that happened to me. Thankfully I am allowed to use IPod a bit and read books and get 30 mins to go outside, that’s all I need

mimi says:

Hey Leo your videos are always on point and always true. I’ll like to say first of all, the funny faces you make on your videos gets me smiling even before i watch it. its weird (in a good way) and really funny, please keep it up!

My question would be how do i get to take these actions you’ve mentioned? i know i want them. I’ve tried integrating into a social circle and even taken up a hobby but i guess it didn’t work for me as i felt like the odd one who wasn’t welcomed, yet i know i want it.

Leo Gura says:

Try harder. Discipline and commitment.

jen says:

Like Mimi, I have the same problem. I feel like the odd one when trying something new or new hobby. ugh…

Ashray says:

I get what you mean I felt the same way when I was trying something new once, but you know I still did it and there was no repercussion when I became good at it. It opened new options for me and some other member who wants to do something similar.

Coming from an Indian family, my family did hours of worshipping sometimes. Many things happened and now we only do it as a sign of respect for specific days. Surface worshiping not going in depth, it is saving hours and everyone can see that.

I don’t see that as a problem in fact the odd one out makes me think I am special. If there is something new to come in my family, then source can very well be me, and I like that, I am changing things the way I want the way it is beneficial to me. Being the odd one out is my motivator.

Jay says:

Jen.. Try useing resistance as a compass!
The things you want to do the least are the ones that will grow you the most!
Good luck! Awsome video Leo!

MK says:

Leo, your video came at the perfect time (of course – LOA)! I was feeling depressed and rejected after a breakup that happened a month ago…and 4 months ago…and 9 months ago…etc. He’s obviously not the one for me afterall. This video helped me see that in a big way. And you had me cracking up at the end. It was like a friend talking to me “Do NOT get back together with your EX!” Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we met three years ago. But this breakup will create something bigger in life for me!! THANK YOU!

Amy says:

Dear Leo,

You could not have delivered this video at a better time! Thank you so much for your inspiring messages. I must say I agree with everything you say. Thank you once again.

Ludovic says:

Thank you for your videos! They are always very uplifting and inspiring!!!

Mary says:

please help! I can’t hear it! I can see Leo talking but no sound

commalena says:

This video was amazing. You’re so in depth that for me most questions about the one topic are answered. Thank you for sharing.

Evgeniy says:

DO NOT Go BACk To YOUR EX !!!

Evgeniy says:

Leo ti russkiy ili Ukrainets?

Lil says:

Wow, so happy I found your videos. Been trying to breakup with my ex for 5 years (sick I know) and no matter how many books I read or people I spoke to nothing ever made real sense. Thank you!

steve says:

Thanks leo…Im An Old School Dude…Trying to Make sense…..Of This New World and All Of Lifes Changes…I Appreciate You Much….

Tami Staples says:

I LOVE THIS!! I strongly agree with all of it especially getting fit. I am a single middle age women and it seems that my options in men have one thing in common…..a big belly and health issues. YUK! I also love the “DONT GO BACK TO THE X” DAMN I HAVE DONE THAT !!! DO NOT GO BACK NEVER GO BACK!!! but, if ya never had a real relationship but just dated a few two three times and had sex a lot but never really had a “real relationship” and ya find that ya miss them so ya start to see them again is that “going back” when really ya never had a “relationship” but two maybe three encounters? feedback welcome. I really enjoyed this!

Leo Gura says:

It’s a crutch, but it depends on your goals.

Sandy says:

Thank You…very wise…exactly what I needed to hear….Thank You so much!

Claire Jo says:

Leo!
I love your videos, you are seriously so inspiring and have so much wisdom its scary! thank you for sharing all your personal deverlopment work! its very insightful and makes so much profound sense watching your videos
Thank You Thank You Thank You. I really appreciate you sharing your knowledge with the world.

Todd Schafer says:

What sort of mindset should I take on being a 52 y.o man? I’d been horribly spoiled the past four years in that I was in a relationship with a beautiful 27 y.o girl back in the States. I like pretty good for my age, and am reasonably intelligent with some charisma.
Not only was she young, but very intelligent and mature well beyond her years.
So,,,perhaps finding another girl like that isn’t very realistic even though I spend a significant amount of time in SE Asia where age discrepancies are not quite so frowned upon.
Should I just forget about approaching women who are obviously 30 and below?

steve says:

Todd, Im 52 Also…..And I HAVE NOT! Been Fortunate To make it With a 27 yr Old Women For Years…Ha!( Can You Sense The Jealousy??) Good Job! Bravo!..Really!….
But Todd,,,I want You To Look At ALL Of The History of Your Life and The History of The World…..And You Will SURELY Find….

That There Are Little To None Lasting Relationships With That Kind Of Age Difference…It Is Unique..Its Great! But Unique…Todd You gave Her What She Needed At The Time and She Gave You The Same……BUT…..Even The Largest Amount of Money or fame Can Stop A Younger Woman From realizing That In Time …If She continues…..You Will be 60 and She Will be 38……HMMMmmm…

Todd I Think Enough said…It Is Time For Her To Move On….YOU Would Do The Same…..It Dose Not Mean She Used You ….You Both Used Each other….In This Unique Situation…Todd My God!…When Your 52…It Is A Dream Come True To Be with Lovely Girl Of 27!….YES!….But ALL Of History Shows( Without Slavery) It Really Is A Dream…They have To look Out for There Future In Every way….Nothing Personal…..Todd We All want….. at Our Age…Younger And Beautiful….

Todd…Even Look At Hollywood…..And Music…….Even There…..Everyone is Evenly Matched ……..and THEY Can Have ANY AGE!……I Hope I Could Help…I Know Your Confused as Hell…Todd….give Time…You Will Be Alright Brother……Steve

Todd says:

I think Steve knows me better than he lets on.
Good words of advice, brother; I guess I should be thankful for the time spent….really we’re all living on borrowed time.

Tiff says:

Hey Leo! I am currently trying to find the courage to break up with my boyfriend right now. For some reason I have so much guilt that comes up even though he has cheated by sexting other girls on multiple occasions on tinder and just old friends. He is constantly broke and needing me financially to help pay bills or at least front the money to do so. I don’t know why I can’t do it, this video has kind of helped me, but I just can’t pull the trigger. We have been together for four years and I don’t know why I just feel paralyzed when it comes to just breaking up. If I were giving advice to a friend in my situation I would tell them to leave. Any suggestions? Or maybe a “How to break up with someone video”?

Joanne says:

Leo, Leo Leo!!! Big Eye Opener for me!!!! Thank you, thank you and thank you again. Priceless advice! Now I know how to move forward. Lots of work to be done, but I know I can do it. No more feeling sorry for myself and ……..

John says:

Leo,

You’ve just found yourself a follower. I just had a breakup after a 2 and half year relationship and this video is so true and straight on point. I’m setting aside tomorrow to really work out this vision – I’m sure I’ll find some valuable resources on this page to assist in this process!

Keep rockin’

John

MK says:

I know, John, perfectly on point! I’ve listened to this a few times since it came out and I’m in the same (2.5 yr) situation as you. This video felt like he was talking directly to me Leo is an amazing motivator and his work really resonates and helps! Welcome! Good luck on your new vision!
Keep Rockin’ Back atcha!

ANON says:

Hi leo,

Thank you SO much for your videos. I really need them right now as I am going through a rough time and whenever I am at a low point I watch your videos.

You said ‘women don’t approach guys’

You could not be further from the truth! I am very social, go to lots of bars and clubs etc… and let me tell you, if I see a guy I am interested in, I will approach him and start a conversation. I wouldn’t be in the relationship I am in now if I didn’t approach him. I think it is sad to think that I should wait for a male to approach me if I am interested in him, I am the girl and picking up guys is the easiest thing! And it’s really fun!!!!!

I know a lot of girls who approach guys too, maybe it is just the scene we are in but I don’t think ‘women don’t approach guys’ is very true anymore.

I am watching this video because I realise I am in the co-dependant relationship and it is actually quite depressing, I know this video is about how to deal with a break up but when you are in a co-dependant relationship it feels as though you are breaking up with the person when you let go of all your bad habits e.g clinginess, neediness, using that person as a crutch. watching these videos really help thank you so much.

P.s you are awesome and thank you again.

Daniel says:

Thanx a lot Leo, this helps!
I had my first relationship in my life, it only lasted for 3 months, it ended 1 month ago. The reason for the breakup was, that a couldn’t have proper sex with her, because i couldn’t get or hold an erection (first sexual relationship, performance anexiety, i’m 26 years old). I nearly lost my whole libido because of this, which made the problem even worse. In the beginning she was ok with it, but after so many fails (nearly 30 or so) my self esteem was completely down and our relationship went sour. Then she broke up with me, the reason is clear, i couldn’t please her sexually and lost my self esteem. We had such a beatyful connection and relationship in the beginning, she was my first big love since 7 years i think and she had deep feelings for me too. It totally kills me that i lost a relationship with a huge potential like that, only because my mind resisted in some way. Do you think there is a chance for this relationship, if i solved this problem? I really would love if you make a video on the topic sexual anxiety. Thanx a lot for all your vids, you are an amazing human being!

leroy says:

thanx leo great stuff bro,love these video.keep up the great job….

Mark Holliway says:

Leo,

You are awesome! I have learned so much from you.

Mark

WingWizard says:

I have been following you very closely. In your video ‘How to be a man’, you have stated it is important to have sex with several women in order to become more detached and masculine. Parallel to that you’ve said that neediness is something which one should burn out of one’s system. I’m confused. I am doing pretty well in all areas of my life excepting sex; I haven’t ever had it. So well, should I want to have sex with women or should I not be needy for sex (Assuming I really want to have sex)? Also could you please shoot a video on Neediness?

Ivan says:

Leo, could you please elaborate on when to “seal the deal” with a girl. I have always had trouble gauging when the appropriate time is. I remember in one of your videos you explain how women want to be grabbed by the hand, and guided to sex. when I was younger I made the mistake multiple times of jumping the gun, being denied and feeling embarrassed. Now I find myself in a situation where I have been dating a girl (I actually like for once) for just shy of a month and we have not gotten passed short lived innocent kissing at the end of our dates. To be honest I really don’t mind taking it slow, because I actually like this girl. With that being said, I don’t want to make her feel like I’m not interested in her or make her think that I’m a pussy. I also don’t want to jump the gun and look like a pig. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Leo Gura says:

Your problem is that you’re worried about being rejected. You gotta get used to rejection. It’s really a silly thing to fear. It doesn’t matter if you look like a pig. Guys are supposed to be pigs. We love sex!

Seal the deal on the first date. If you don’t do it by the 3rd date, you’re definitely doing something very wrong.

Ivan says:

Fuck yeah man! “He was sitting on an old box full of gold the entire time”. You’re right. It is a silly thing to be afraid of. I don’t NEED anyone to be complete. Next time I see her, I’m either getting layed or shut down. Thanks for getting back to me so hast fully.

You’re the man Leo.

Ivan says:

I took your advice. Our next date, she complained about how tired she is all the time from her job and at the end of the date, she implied (again) that there would be no sex. Im not going to demonise her because of this. I’m only upset at myself because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t want to ask her what I’m doing wrong because she will probably just blame it on her work. which I know isn’t the “real underline reason”. Also, I’ve actuly lost a lot of attraction tords her because of this.

But the question remains… Leo, what am I doing wrong?… Give me the magic answer lol

claud says:

I listen you every day… at least 3 videos per day sometimes more…
It is amazing how much good result I have obtain in my day to day life!
how I smile through out the whole day!
your amazing Leo!!
I am your biggest fan….

Leo Gura says:

Great! Make sure you’re taking action! 10 hours of action for every 1 hour of theory.

Mike says:

Dear Leo,

Thank you very much for your videos. I would really wish to take a personal coaching from you, just currently my finances are not at the point, I will definitely do it later, even just to thank you for your efforts (good things need to be paid). I would really appreciate, for now, if you could give a response to my question.

I fully agree with you about the things you point out in this video, however I have one remark. My girlfriend broke up with me (I am 29, she is 27) 1 month ago after 4 years, and YES I want to get back to her. It is not because I think i will not get a new one (actually I can do it right now), and I don’t really “need” her to feel self-established. I just love this person authenthically, and I know how to make her happy. I take full responsability for our break-up (I showed weekness during a month and a half before break-up). I work on myself, I want to be better in all areas (4 essential and 4 non essential, as you talk in another video about the attraction), and i want to put this on a profit to be happy with her, and also make her happy. Otherwise I am happy with my life, I can move on, just the thing is, that I really want also to make her happy (and I know how). I would like to know your opinion about this. Thank you once more time for a great job you do!

Leo Gura says:

Doesn’t sound authentic to me. Sounds like neediness masquerading as “authentic love”. You don’t really care about her. You care about yourself!

Isn’t that true? Search inside very honestly. Why do you want her at all? Be very very honest. Why is there a motivation to be with her?

Mikayel says:

Dear Leo,

Thank you very much for your response. I am sure you have much deeper view of human psychology than me even when it concerns to myself, so probably you are right. I just try to explain my motivations of getting back with her. She is very sensitive person, easily getting depressed and needing support constantly. Also she starts to trust and “to give” a lot right away, even not knowing the person well enough. This has been a reason that many people (friends, relative, ex) kinda used her. In my case I always tried to give more than to receive, and also was trying to help her with her self-confidence and self-esteem issues (unfortunately that time I was not familiar to your website and had very very limited knowledge). My only purpose to get back to her (even temporarily) it is to do my best to do something good for her, help her. She is really very kind and nice person, and she deserves the best (even she dumped me). But I also agree with you, that probably I should not want her back. She found a new boyfriend (right after dumping me), so it can be rebound, can be not. I also currently have some girls interested in me, but I don’t rush with moving on, because I want to spend some time on self-development. Currently I am reading the books you advise in your list. IT IS A GREAT HELP, MAN! Thank you for everything!

Mike says:

Dear Leo,

I am updating my response, because I thought about what you’ve said all this night, could not sleep a second. YES, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!! I have to totally forget her!!! As you say, I DON’T WANT HER BACK! Actually the reason is neediness, as you say. I am not needy for sex, or something else. The thing that I am needy, is TO GIVE. Really, I understood, that the thing I am needy, is TO GIVE. If I do smth good, I cannot enjoy it alone, I want to share it with loved one. Mistakenly I called it authentic love. However probably it is a type of neediness. I would appreciate your opinion on this.

Thank you again!

Jon McGill says:

Regarding the “Do not go back to your ex…” advice… it is easy to understand this rule when it is just man and woman, but what about when there are kids involved?… Does the same advice apply in that case?

Leo Gura says:

Well… just keep in mind the following: when kids to grow up in a toxic relationship, they then act out all of Mommy and Daddy’s toxic patterns in their own relationships once they grow up. It’s like a virus.

maja says:

Hey Leo! I have been watching your videos for a few months now and they helped me very much. I am working on my personal development, and I know I have childhood issues, history with depression… but overall I consider myself as a growing person. I was in a relationship for two years and it was our anniversary just today. Well he broke up with me today. I was devastated but after watching this video I realized that it probably wasnt ment to be. We had some issues and I was trying to be the best version of myself. He had his own issues with college, I tried to be supportive, but he didnt want my help. He doesnt like to share his problems with anyone, and I am the kind of person that does. He just cant open to anyone, and so I didnt quite feel the deeper connection anymore. Everytime I tried to talk to him about what is going on with his problems and how I feel about the situation we were in (they were also affecting me, since he was in a bad mood often), he just didnt want to share, and it became a problem for us. He was defensive and angry, which was the opposite to what I wanted to make him feel. Than he said something that totally shocked me. He said, that he will never change (though I felt he changed since we first started dating – he was much more sharing and willing to communicate at the beginning), and never share his problems with anyone, cause its nobodys business. And that people never change. And that I am just trying to make him something he is not. Well, I liked him the way he was, I just didnt like the way he put on walls. It hurt me deeply, because I thought that people in relationships are supposed to grow personally and resolve their issues (I know I was trying to resolve mine), and he didnt show any interest in doing so. Maybe its because he is 4 years younger than me. I tried to fixed our problems but I couldnt do it myself, and obviously he thought that we dont function well together anymore. He was right I guess.

I was wondering, how much trying and compromising in a relationship is enough? Cause I think I did everything I could and I sometimes compromised more than I should. How do you know when you are doing more than your share to save the relationship? I want to know where to draw the line, since I obviously have an issue of trying to save things, that are not mine to save and hoplessly insisting to work things out.

Dora says:

Dear Leo,

Thank you so much for sharing your art with us!!! I found it very valuable!!!

I have been focus on keep growing myself and moving forward, however, the fact that you mentioned from your own experience that we must learn about relationships is adding a great road to my journey!!!! Yes because I want to have a great relationship I must invest some research in that subject as I do with my personal development!!!!

With a profound admiration for sharing your videos and wisdom with us !!!!

You are Wonderful!!!! Thank you Leo!!!!!!

Tons of blessings for you always!!!!

Dora

Trudy says:

This was amazing….really makes sense

BJ says:

Even though I’m happily for the most part married for a long time, I was so moved and touched by the deep insight here. it applies to how to live a good life in general. Please focus on getting yourself that skills, work on a vision that move you forward, build a circle of friends or quality hobby to make yourself happy, not feeling needy from your partner so much, be a person who are basically complete by themselves, have a good physical energy and in shape, be positive, and that’s how you become attractive! Wow. I am that much wiser looking at my own marriage relationship now. I thank you Leo from the bottom of my heart.

Do not “beg” people who they are not interested in you, use that as the opportunity to be better! Fulfill yourself! Overly needy produces dysfunctional relationship.

Steve says:

The romantic stuff from Hollywood is worthless.

There is no only-one soulmate in this planet for you. There are many many nice guys or women. Do not think he or she is THE ONLY ONE!

Thank you so much!!!!

I really enjoy your videos, I listen to them almost daily for a while!

Henry says:

If you are desperate about something, become really needy about something, please do not think you’ll be whole if only she or he get back with you, only she or he can give you that fulfillment. Solve that problems of desperation, date more, have more friends, train your partner to be aware of what you want, do not act desperately for love from your partner–you will lose your self-esteem, compromise to the point of sickness.

I love your teaching, Leo. You are always a special person in my journey of personal growth.

Jojo says:

Be emotionally strong.

Thank you Leo!!!!!!

Niel says:

I re-listen to this video and plenty of others, I learned something new each time.

Leo, you are the very best. You are so attractive!

Stephanie says:

I was taken aback by your using the word “bitch” to describe a woman. Both surprising and unsettling, especially in this day and age where there is a lot of violence happening to women and rapists are getting off with a slap on the wrist.

Juan says:

Hey Leo,me and my ex follow your videos,the reason we broke up is because we knew we need to work on self develop ourself (work our life purpose,be with other people,become independent,etc.) and I’m not going back to her(she says not for now but she is open to try new stuff too). Could it be possible that after months and maybe years and being with other women,improving ourself and since we both watch your videos,could it be possible to go back with her?

Chiara Russo says:

Dear Leo,
I have been watching your videos since 2 years now, so thank you for all your effort and material you release every week for free, you are really inspiring.
I am an Italian 30 years old girl and I have had a relationship with another woman for more than 2 years.
The point is that she is lesbian and I knew it when we first met, but I am not. I guess this is counter-intuitive but I know that I am attracted to men and I would love to have a long-lasting relationship with a man.
Although this, I started to seduce her, hanging out with her, having sex with her, probably because I was curious, probably because I needed to feel loved and desired by another person and I thought that seducing a woman, rather than a man, would have been easier for me.
Anyway, I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me and she started to ask me more from our relationship, but I could not.
For this reason, we broke up last year and she went back to her ex and I am filling very bad, not because she is now with her ex but because I am not free anymore to see her, call her, text her.
Although this, we keep on calling each other, almost every day, except for weekends because she is with the ex and this is unhealthy, insane and really painful.
I know I should let her go but I am afraid to lose her forever and all this situation is holding me back a lot from meeting other guys.
What can I do to overcome the fear of losing her?
Thanks a lot.
Ciao,
Chiara

Leo,

Thank you so much for this video. I have been in a dysfunctional marriage now for 12 years. 5 Daughters later and I am just starting to deal with the truth about myself and my marriage. It was bad from the first day and I was convinced that i was the one to change it all and make a happily ever after out of a never should of happened. Break ups are hard divorces are hard but living in a messed up marriage that messes with ones head every single minute of every single hour is worse. I was so caught up in negativity that I would create, twist, change, agree, and disagree with all of my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Nothing was sane in my head. All of everything was chaotic for over 12 years. I had to stop. I had to stop feeding myself heaping spoonfuls of insanity. This video if anything gave me the strength to begin my journey back to reality and to find out who I am and what I will become. Thank you so much! thank you for helping me save my life!

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