Fake Growth vs Real Growth

By Leo Gura - February 29, 2016 | 49 Comments

What if you’re just kidding yourself and not really growing?

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Shaheen says:

thanks a lot for such a life transforming video this is what i needed to hear today
you are so honest in your delivery of videos and deep knowledge of which ever topic you talk about
thanks again for changing so many lives
God bless you and keep up the good work
stay blessed

Galyna says:

Thank you, Leo for proliferating this information.
Very interesting, lots of things to work on.
Good luck for all of us

Aliza Day says:

Hi Leo,

This is a great vid, its all about my life, it is so ”ME”. I knew the feelings behind my issues, but did not know how to move forward. This has given me some insight. Thank you. I really enjoy your videos, they are truly worth the time to sit down and listen.

Angel Gurgutov says:

Thanks for that video Leo!
Could you explain to me what is it behind the idea with the insecure guy that learned to pick up girls and is still unfixed on the inside? Maybe in the process of learning how to pick them up he has also been facing hard times and experienced many things that made him the seducer.. because you cannot become good with girls with just reading a book or two..
So my question is for the described guy in the story , how can he fix himself on the inside ?

Leo Gura says:

Many guys who learn pickup and get amazing with girls are STILL deeply flawed on the inside. They are insecure, defensive, manipulative, dishonest, narcissistic, immature, materialistic, have low self esteem, hold many limiting beliefs about human beings, love, women, and attraction, are dogmatic, driven by sex, and unable to form genuine loving relationships with human beings because they have deep intimacy issues.

Getting good at banging girls will generally not fix the above giant list of inner game issues.

Always amazed with your wisdom Leo, especially for such a young guy! Didn’t run into the truth about the world and everything you talk about until my late 40’s. How you became so wise in so few years is truly amazing. Thanks for sharing with us pilgrims, love and blessings to you.

Tanja says:

Stellar video!!

I hosted a dinner party last month where one guest became drunk and verbally abusive towards me. I asked him to leave and escorted him out the door, while my date did nothing, even though it was his guest. And when he told me that this was a regular occurrence for his friend, I asked my date to leave as well.

Well what I realized the next day blew me away. The old me would’ve probably cried, been left with a shattered sense of confidence and self worth, and apologized to my date afterwards with feelings of guilt or fear etc. But not this time!

So I’m writing this to offer hope for others, that real change can happen, even for someone who was a victim of unrelenting verbal abuse from a primary caregiver during childhood and adolescence. Countless hours of reading therapy material and attending sessions have paid off, apparently. I know I’ll be challenged in this way again, and to that, I say bring it on! Not really, but you get my point, I hope!

Looking forward to your next video, as always!

Annette says:

Best video !

Trang says:

Hi, love this video about fake growth. I actually never thought about this and I have been experiencing confusion and stress and worries while achieving new success in my life. Clearly I’ve fake growth. I just wonder about the part when you give an example of a girl leaving her mom so she would finally have a peace of mind but the problem is not solved, but what if her mom is a toxic person and I remember you said in one of your videos about toxic people that you need to get away from them because they would keep pulling you down? Then isn’t this a right decision and do many good for her life? I hope you can help me with this question. Thank you.

Leo Gura says:

Right, you can have both. The problem can have both an internal and external fix, both of which might be necessary.

For example, take a bum living on the street with zero money. That is a serious external problem, but just giving a bum $100,000 will NOT fix his root issues. His external problem was ultimately caused by an internal problem. And even so… this does not mean that money is worthless to a bum. He needs to pursue money to live a decent life. But he can’t stop there. He needs to dig deeper into his psyche, otherwise bad patterns will repeat themselves.

Jarred Mihaila says:

Thanks man

Brian says:

Hey Leo,
I have been watching your videos for well over 18 months now, and honestly, my life has changed drastically, for the better. Currently, I am in my master’s at University of Penn. Just 3 years ago, I was basically homeless. In my school, not many people seem to get some of the things that I say, but i realized that it does not matter because it is not ‘my job to convert them to my way of thinking. Also, they have not done the amount of research that you or I have done. I find it amazing that the more open minded that I try to be to people’s opinions, that the more close minded they are to mine. I do not have all the answers, in fact, I may not have any questions, but you have helped to open my mind.

Adam says:

the same feeling here

Gavin says:

Hey Leo, great stuff as ever. Another instance of a video seemingly appearing right when I need to hear. I have been doing affirmations and contemplating on a particular thing I wanted in my life / a way of being (attracting lots of highly attractive women). I find now as I reach the end of my allotted period, that I don’t actually care about it at all, definitely far less than before. I was questioning whether all of the affirmations and such worked, but I guess it did. It does feel like growth.

The little part of me that still cares wants to know: are we more likely to attract into our lives, that which we don’t care about as much anymore? Is the underlying belief still going to work in your favour, if you almost don’t care about it and are less motivated by it?

Thanks again for all your work!

Marta says:

This is true….Growth is internal, and it is actually fixing our personality and having more integrity and not becoming enlightened to gain more wealth …lots of people, especially in USA are teaching Law of attraction or this fake enlightenment where they’re tying to convince people if they could achieve enlightenment they will achieve material success and life will be like fairytale. That is a trap. True personal growth comes from the inside and perfecting our ‘errors’ in the personality…it is about everyday the little things, how we react to certain situations, how we treat ourselves and people around us. True abundance comes from INNER PEACE that is beyond understanding to ‘normal’ people, when you accept life as it is, and when you just stop ‘touching’ things with wrong reactions. Life always goes on, and is not about what happened to us, but how we react to that…right there hides the real power

chala says:

i think am goin to follow leo for the rest of my life

diannemay says:

Not telling anyone about my personal development because it is so personal.

Looking forward to being shocked. I have no vision of what is to come however
one hour per week will not be enough as I am 64 and may run out of time.

Anyway I am enjoying the journey so much that one hour per week is not

Thank you Leo for giving me the gift of your knowledge and the inspiration to
not be the me who I think I am. Even though I thought that I was okay.

A bit scary but so is just about everything in life before one embarks on unknown
waters. That is why it is exciting. This probably more so than any other.

David says:

Great video, thanks.

Thanks Leo! Been watching your vids for awhile now as I’ve tried to rein in my life over the last year or so. Saw some progress last year, but did indeed feel I’d hit a point where I wasn’t going to the next level.

Letting go has been huge for me.

Arnie says:

Hey Leo

This video is definitely a big one. But there is a question left for me: Taking a look at Maslow’s hierachy of needs, you will see that the biggest part of the pyramid cannot be satisfied by ‘real growth’. From the bottom ( physiological ) up til ‘esteem’ most of the things have to be achieved in the outer world, like sex, health, property, friendship, sexual intimacy, achievment, respect by others. Of course can inner growth helping in getting them, but still they are needs and can’t be satisfied simply by developing yourself internaly. Of course eventually, when you filled all holes in your pyramid below ‘self actualization’, the only way to grow is in the inside.

But would you still call a guy fake growing if he starts from ground zero and is working his way up the pyramid? Because he ascends from dysfunctional to a continuously better functioning human being, whose needs more and more are getting covered.

Best wishes


Vashist says:

So leo, all real growths need to incorporate consciousness work right?

Mark says:

Hi all,well ive just spent 6 months alone in a house on a nature reserve.While i was there i started to watch Leo’s as well as many other so called guru’s video’s,as i used to suffer with depression really bad and was looking for some help,there was times i was suicidal,finding Leo’s video’s was a god send.I went for walks everyday, ran ,joined a gym started eating a lot more healthy,did some meditation and basically just started taking better care of myself,i found that i started to get a lot more emotional about things ,i even cried once which i havent done in 45 years,I did a lot of thinking and took a lot of what Leo teachers and put into practice.I taught myself to stop negative thoughts before they could start to manifest ,was grateful for everything i had and stopped thinking about what i did’nt have,the walks in nature are magical,theres lots of different birds animals tress and flowers.I used to be a moaning,mean,depressed worried person or whatever i am,now i never moan im not mean dont worry and for most of the time im happy and content,thanks for this video Leo. now i know im on the right track.

Will says:

Sometimes I hate you for exposing my bad decisions and failures. I mean that in the most loving, respectful, way “I hate you” can be said, lol. Please keep destroying me. I really needed to hear this today.

Beth says:

Thanks Leo! I stumbled on to your videos a few days ago and they are already changing my outlook and life. I recently was informed that my 24+ year marriage was ending, to get a job, get out so a girlfriend can move in and stop being depressed. Your videos leave me hopeful (and dare I say almost joyful). The first time I followed your directions for meditation, I couldn’t believe the way I felt afterward. Again, Thank You!

Wingwizard says:

Leo, I have a question for you.

You being a life coach, meeting people and simply being in contact with several different folk, you must have to come in contact with toxic, depressed, negative and destructive types and the kind. Alongside you’ve mentioned you’re an innate introvert.

My question is does any of poison of others spill over in your life? Do you get affected by such people? I want to know what you have to say about this.

Roman says:

Hi Leo!

Very interesting points! But I would argue a little bit about the person-who-finds-a-hobby. What if the hobby they found is something that made it click in their head and realize – “That’s something I want to do live my life for. That’s something that would make me and others around me happy. That’s something I want to LIVE THROUGH, make it a part of my life”. And that sort of thing becomes a part of them and who they are. They don’t really hide from their problems that way, but rather experience it with lots of passion and basically just “follow the heart”.

Maybe it’s not exactly what you meant with this example, but this is how I feel about myself. I had a life long dream, and only recently I “woke up” and made it my first (external) source of what makes me alive. But of course, as you mentioned, real growth sometimes can require both internal and external sources.

I think, every external source can matter, as soon if you have an internal one along with it. There’s always something that you want to achieve, but what matters are the ways how you do it. And having a dream (external source!) is first step for such enlightening about internal things. But I agree with you, for instance – when one just wants to earn lots of money, no matter how, just to validate yourself – this is totally wrong way. I really would like to hear your input on it.

Giada says:

Great video, just one thing though… in my opinion when you start changing really yes some people might not follow you anymore or understand you, but if you are really growing, you start attracting a whole new kind of people, who will actually support you, help you and love you for the new person you are becoming At least that’s what is happening to me, useless friends took their distance and me from them, and I met some ne great people, more aligned to my new vibration level and life purpose.

Byron Tik says:

Hi Leo.

Thanks for posting this, the material you are posting is of great value in parallel with your course that I am doing. The videos always seem relevant and genuinely related to your personal experience, which somehow seems very on par with whatever needs to be addressed for me.

I have been hitting some goals yet noticed that there is that superficial sense of achievement, yet certain underlying issues still have negative power.

This really assists me to further reflect on where I should place my attention and to search for that what is effective for me.

I especially like your suggestion, ‘taking the power out of’ the issue, rather than becoming really good at something to proof something, you can be good or not good at something but it has no longer any emotional strength. I think this is similar to what is described in ‘the way of the peaceful warrior’ by Dan Millman, great book and film. In the book he achieved the highest achievement when he came to peace with the necessity, it no longer mattered(proofed something to the ego). I believe this reflects Dan Millman’s personal hero’s journey.


Marina says:

O, man! This is so right on! I’ve been following you Leo for 2 years now and I’ve learned a lot from you and this video is exactly how I felt in the Summer of last year. I’ve been on my personal development journey for 4 years now, and last Summer it just hit me, I was like “wait a minute, something is not quite right here! ” and since then I’ve been trying to find an answer to my unsettling feeling and it finally arrived with this video! I also swore last Summer that I’ll breakthrough all my limiting beliefs and I do know now exactly what I need to do! The real inner work! Which I’ve been already doing to some extent. And I also fell into a trap to look for shortcuts and now I am totally relaxed as I know I’m in this for a long run and when I wake up 10 years from now looking into totally different person that is going to feel fantastic! I actually already feel fantastic thinking about my future self! Thank you man! Love your work an love your style!

Sylvie says:

Great talk but I still don’t know how to get real growth? You make great points but where do you talk about the solutions to these situations & scenarios? Thanks

Leo Gura says:

See the other 200+ videos on the site

Josie says:

I’ve been seeing how everything in my mind is simply an illusion. It seems that if I were to take the advice on this video that I’d be going back into the illusion to work on “me”. Could you please comment on this?

Josie says:

Thinking further, when I’m simply present, without thoughts, there isn’t a problem with “me” because I see there isn’t an actual me or anything “real” that needs fixing. However, when I go back into thought, the constructed “me” would like to eat only whole foods. In my thoughts there is a dilemma. Outside of thinking, everything is perfect. I do seem to toggle between these seemingly 2 things.

Jamie says:

Best video yet! Actually helped me resolve how I’ve been feeling about some aspects of my life . I did the Landmark forum a couple of years ago and a subsequent lecture series and it left me almost feeling direction less, passion seemed to be a thing of the past. After this video I realize that I’ve actually been growing and the things that I used to be chasing were all about fake growth not real growth. I feel relieved and happy and ready to keep growing! Thanks Leo.

Dawn says:

Okay so the overweight person has fake growth because he started tricking himself to eating better. My question is how is an unemployed person not really growing when they find a job? Signed living is learning.

Leo Gura says:

Well, one way to look at it is like this:

Ask yourself what having or not having a job has to do with the development of your psyche?

Could they be independent variables?

Consider: You could have the greatest job in the world and commit suicide. Happens quite often with celebrities.

Houman says:

You are such a legend.ty!

Houman says:

You have helped me out so much TY.

murcielago says:

cant the internal world change through the experiences you have…considering your problems nonsense?!

murcielago says:

as i think the external changes sometimes give you the chance to see the internal problems or missings…which works like an impulse to keep working on it…

Subigya says:

Hi Leo ,
Hitting you up from Nepal. I want to say that your videos are really helping me and really appreciate the work you are doing. I am really interested in this video in particular. The one with fake and real growth. I would really want to learn more
and struggling on how to grow internally. Any kind of website links or notes will be appreciated.

Valeria says:

As I was listening to this video I wanted to throw the Pc on the walll… you pointed the real issue….thank you sooo much. My father so commanded me not to succed that still today I feel compelled to obey….

Monica says:

Excellent material! It is one of ” The Best”. Thankyou!

Jens Lind says:

Thank you for this video Leo.

I want to share a little from my own life.
As a teenager and up in my twenties, I was so afraid of getting a rejection if I took contact to a girl, that I tried very hard to find a way to be certain, not to get rejected.
Eventually I realized, that I could never be certain to avoid a rejection, but instead I could learn to accept the rejection.
Actually quite simple and logical. But I had avoided this simple truth until then, because realizing it forced me to ask the question about, what it really was I was that afraid of.
The fear was protecting me from seeing and feeling the sorrow and helplessness from a part of my childhood which was desolated. And in a time where I didn’t have the knowledge or resources to change, leave or accept the circumstances.

betsy says:

It’s interesting you talk about this as everything I’ve built for the last 5 years – i realize that I need to new career path b/c it’s not fulfilling me. It’s turning me into a terrible person and i can’t spend the time ‘developing’ and ‘making a change’ to make my life happier. I pulled myself out of depression. Not b/c i had a job but i learned to be happy, learned to find things to enjoy and find things in my day to make me happy. It was a major WOAH moment about 2 years ago when i realized i learned how to be happy (most days)

There has been some positive change. I am much more positive about my outlook about life (and i’ve seen results) but i need to break free of certain thought processes and let things go

Leo I am so grateful for the content you are sharing here. It is a real eye opener. A lot of things you talk about, I already had the feeling that this is a good way to look at it. But when I listen to you, I realize, that you thought much deeper through it, than Jam able to, yet …

Thank you for helping so many people to grow. I mean real growth, not fake …

Vital and happy regards

Powerful. There is indeed no need to exert willpower and go into a frenzy to neurotically chase goals in a way that can only cause friction within. Raising one’s consciousness is real growth. Even if one does achieve everything he is chasing, no amount of achievement will fulfill him without real growth that can only happen by turning inward. I’ve repeatedly found myself in the position of having achieved my dream goals but no one of those achievements has ever given me lasting peace

Conor says:

Am I Just Toy to You? I think Takao wasted my first kiss He seems too cool today

Sina says:

Hi Leo,

Thank you for your effort on making the videos and everything. I have one question. My current situation is the following: I am still living in my parents house, 25 years old. I am really not sure what it is and why it is but I am feeling kind of guilty towards my father for still living in his home. He is paying the whole family. In this video you say it’s not about changing the outside but the inside. What I do is I try to not react to certain “attacks” from my father when he “pulls out” some past-stories of me having disappointed him. In general i have a very two-sided love/hate relationship to my father but rather on the inside (Like i said I try not to show my feelings towards him because it leads to unnecessary arguments.) Is this normal? Is it true that a man can only really grow if he moves out of his parents house and start an own life? Because that would be changing something on the outside wouldn’t it?

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