How To Stop Being Jealous
By Leo Gura - December 31, 2014 | 37 Comments
Techniques to end jealousy forever
Hey, this is Leo from Actualized.org, and in this video I am going to tell you how to stop being jealous. Jealousy is a very tricky emotion. I am an emotionally self-aware guy. I have a pretty high emotional intelligence, but jealousy gets me.
It’s not that I’m that much jealous, but the thing that scares me about jealousy so much is that it’s such a subtle emotion. It’s so deceptive, tricky and hidden in the way that it acts, that it can act on you for years before you actually realize what’s going on.
In this video, I am going to talk about the root causes of jealousy. I am also going to discuss some root solutions how to cure jealousy permanently. I have some really powerful ideas that go to the root of the problem, so that we can really tackle this head on. What do we mean by jealousy?
Let’s get a little bit more specific through several examples so that we know what we’re talking about. We’re going to ground this discussion so it’s not too abstract.
Types Of Jealousy
There is sexual jealousy and relationship jealousy. This means that you are jealous of your partner potentially cheating, liking or flirting with someone else.
Another kind of jealousy is when you’re jealous of somebody else’s status that they have. Maybe there’s a celebrity, someone in your industry, a boss, coworker, colleague or similar who has something that you don’t have. Maybe they have certain charisma, charm, more money or a better car that they drive. You could be jealous of their position or status.
There is also personality jealousy. You could be jealous of someone’s personality characteristics. Maybe this person is very handsome or attractive and you want to be like that as well. Maybe that person has better confidence than you and you wish you could be like that as well. Maybe they are funnier than you and you also want to be like that.
There are many different things that you could be jealous about.
You could also be envious. You could split hairs about whether jealousy and envy are slightly different or not. I might talk about that in some other videos in the future. For now, I’m just going to gloss it all over and say that there’s only one thing.
The thing about jealousy is that it often masquerades as some other type of emotion. It might masquerade as frustration, anger, hatred, sadness, loneliness, or criticism directed to that person, thing or whatever you are jealous of.
It can come out as demonization. When you’re demonizing someone else, you could, in fact, be jealous of that person. However, you don’t admit this to yourself. The same thing goes for criticism because demonization is just a stronger version of it. Let’s take a look at what jealousy actually means.
The Meaning Of Jealousy
If you really look at what’s going on here, you’ll notice that jealousy is such an interesting emotion because it’s sneaky in the way that it affects you. Usually, when you are affected by it you don’t really know that you’re experiencing that emotion. It might be obvious to others around you, but not to you. It will take you a while to catch onto it.
This is actually a really cool thing because we can use this against jealousy to actually defeat it. This is what I’m going to tell you how to do. At the core of the feeling of jealousy is the fact that your identity feels threatened. Some other words for identity are ego, self or me. Identity is the person, thing or entity that you believe you are.
You have this image in your head of what you think you look like, who you think you are as a human being, what you’re strong and weak at and what your personality traits are. You have these self-beliefs.
This is what we have to work on — on your level of self-image. We have to work on your ego. The fundamental thing is that you’ve got this sense of self that you’re trying to protect. This sense of self is really a false sense. it’s an illusion. This is a deep topic that I’m not discussing in this video, but just mentioning it at the end. It’s just something additional that you can do if you really want to go deep on this one.
Let’s simply say that you have this sense of self, and it’s a concoction of all these ideas and beliefs that you have about yourself. We believe that this stuff is very real, solid and tangible. Actually, it’s not. You also believe that this sense of self is important to your well-being and success in life.
This is also a lie. This sense of self doesn’t serve you in your life in any way. In fact, it creates a lot of suffering and problems, one of which is jealousy. The fundamental problem here is that you’re not really happy on the inside. You have this identity that you’re trying to glorify, you’re trying to live up to it, but then you fail to do that in real life.
Maybe you think of yourself as this charming person, but then in reality, you don’t really get that feedback because the people to whom you are talking to don’t really laugh at your jokes when they’re supposed to. Maybe you feel sexy and special, and then you feel threatened when your partner is flirting with someone else.
You believe in this self who you think you are — this sexy and special person. The person, your partner, is potentially flirting or cheating on you. This makes you defensive. This is what jealousy does, it always makes you defensive.
There are various different ways that this defense mechanism gets triggered. One of the ways it gets put out into the world is that you get very critical. Even if you don’t really say anything, you could be just saying stuff inside of your mind.
Be careful with the assumption that jealousy is only jealousy if it actually gets broadcasted to the world. Don’t think that just because you only thought something nasty and jealous, and didn’t say it. It still is jealousy.
It doesn’t matter if the dialogue is going on externally or internally. You have to be very careful about that. Basically, the reason you are so bothered by this lack of feedback by the environment is because you believe that something really valuable is being taken from you.
It can be anything – a spouse, job promotion, partner, status, and point during your career – anything! You believe that it’s being taken away from you, and somehow this is threatening you.
It could also be disturbing the self-image that you have about yourself. You think of yourself in a particular light, and when you get evidence that is contrary to that, it disturbs and pains you. What you then want to do is look away.
The thing you have to understand about an ego is that it’s all about looking away. It’s a deception. The ego is very self-deceptive. It never wants to really acknowledge this giant ball of bullshit that’s inside of you.
This is why people are sometimes pretentious. They try to impress other people or appear a certain way. They are unable to be themselves or to be authentic, because they believe that if they were really authentic, then people wouldn’t accept them, love them, or they wouldn’t have the success that they want.
They feel like they always have to live up to something extra. This is really a self-esteem issue. They don’t believe that they can just be happy on the inside. For instance, your partner is potentially flirting with someone else. You feel this sort of loss. “What if I lose my partner?” You feel like that would really hurt you, make you feel bad and damage your life. You feel that this is something very dangerous that you have to protect yourself against.
You believe this not because it is true in reality, but because you haven’t found the happiness within you. You’re not grounded internally. From your perspective, you are leaning on this person like on a crutch. When you lean on this person, and then there is a threat that this person might be taken away, of course you feel like you’re going to fall down flat on your face.
Maybe it will happen with you because you haven’t found the happiness within. What’s the ultimate solution to dealing with jealousy? The solution is to turn within.
This is not a game that is won externally. You are not going to actually defeat jealousy if you go out there and defend this person, thing or situation. You have to stop and realize that this is an internal ego struggle that you are dealing with.
You have to turn and look at your inner self and see what’s really going on with your self-image, self-esteem, and your views of reality and beliefs of other people. This is how actual results happen. Don’t get tricked by your ego into thinking that this is an external problem. It’s not.
You also have to convince yourself that jealousy is an ego game. This is pretty much what’s going on here. It’s not that you’re actually threatened in some serious way. It is important that you convince yourself that this is an ego game, because until you do, you’re not going to have the awareness, self-consciousness and honesty to look inside and do the work that’s necessary to eradicate this jealousy.
If you manage to convince yourself this, you’re going to begin to think like this – “Oh, there are elements within me that are causing this. Let me take a look within me, at my ego and get really honest and observant.” You will notice that there are some fishy and surreptitious things going on in your psyche.
You have to take a deeper look and examine this for yourself. Take a look under the hood. Once you see that looking under the hood is necessary and not as easy as you thought it was, you will realize that it’s going to take some work. Then, you’re going to have a pretty deep foundation set which is necessary to do some deep and inner work on your jealousy. I’m going to tell you how to do that.
If you’ve still not bought into the idea that jealousy is an ego game, I want you to convince yourself another thing. Jealousy is destructive to your life. It will prevent you from self-actualizing. It will stop you from creating an extraordinary life.
It will prevent you from getting that amazing success in your career that you want. It will hold you back from having that amazing marriage or relationship that you want. It’ won’t let you be the best that you can be, as a human being.
It will make you small, petty and selfish, rather than selfless, noble and large. This is something that you actually really want to be. There is this small side of you, and then there is this big, ambitious and selfless side of you.
The small side of you is very conservative, petty, negative, always worried about protecting itself and basically very selfish. This bigger side of you is about being magnanimous, noble, kind, generous and all of the nice things that are preached to you.
You have to see that jealousy is really on the negative end of the spectrum. If you stay on that side of the spectrum, it will keep you from living a really beautiful and passionate life. You are not going to be able to accomplish great things in your life. You won’t be the head of your company, be in relationships that you want to be and you won’t have interactions with the people that you want.
You won’t feel good inside if you’re always defensive and on guard about someone screwing you over somewhere, or not getting what you deserved. I want you to convince yourself that this jealousy thing is in you.
Maybe you don’t know how to fix it yet, but you understand that this is an important area in your life that you really need to put attention to. You need to take it very seriously. If you don’t, it will stay with you and make the rest of your life toxic. This was just to get you some leverage to want to do some of the work that I’m going to tell you about.
Because jealousy is such a tricky and hidden emotion, the solution is to just notice it. Just start to notice and label it. You won’t believe how only this will already start to turn the tide in your favor. Start to notice every single instance when you actually are jealous.
You can write these instances down if it helps. Just start to notice them. I am going to continue about this further down. Before I do, we must clarify your vision for yourself as a human being. I hope that one of the values that you have is the desire to be a good human being.
You want to be a big person, and not a little person in life. Being a little person is a really pathetic way to live life. I hope that you can see this. I also hope that you want to be a big person, even though you might not currently now exactly how to get there.
This drive is the beginning, the seed that will grow the oak tree. You need to plant that seed. I really want you to ask yourself this – what are your life principles and values? What do you set as a standard for yourself and what do you actually want out of life? This is really important.
Maybe you have this situation at your work or in your relationship where you wish you could be getting more than you actually are. Let’s get you back to center and grounded within yourself. What are your life principles? What are the principles by which you’re living your life? I’m talking about stuff like honesty, integrity, excellence, justice, beauty or whatever.
What are they for you? It’s a little different for everyone. What are your top values in life? Personally, I value understanding, truth, independence, excellence, creativity, purpose, passion, intimate relationships, health and similar. Nowhere, among my values, do I find the value of pettiness, being small or thinking in a jealous way towards people.
If you really get centered right now, I hope that you can see this. I hope that you can see that nowhere in your top values will you find this jealousy thing that’s playing a part. You’ll probably find that jealousy is running a grain against the top values that you have. That’s good. When you ground yourself, you can actually see that you are maybe a noble person or something similar. You want to be big, and not small.
Acknowledge That Jealousy Is Petty Behavior
This is the next step. You have to acknowledge this. Jealousy is still a behavior, whether it happens externally or internally. It’s a petty behavior and it’s below you and your own standards. If you believe this is true, acknowledge this to yourself right now.
I want you now to picture all the situations where you feel jealous. Picture yourself winning by using the jealousy strategy. The jealousy strategy usually goes something like the following. For example, you see this person who you’re jealous of. You start to think how you hate this person, you begin to behave passive-aggressively, and you criticize this person.
I want you to picture the ramifications of this behavior. You’re going to take this passive-aggressive behavior to this person in stance, criticize and say how bad they do things and don’t understand how life is supposed to work. Maybe you will fight the good fight and stand up for yourself in opposition to them. Maybe you’ll have an argument or yell at them. Maybe you will sabotage their work or undermine what they’re doing. Maybe you will try to make them feel guilty in some sort of way.
Then, carry that thought through. The next thing I want you to imagine is what would be the results of such behavior? What would happen if you behaved like that? This jealousy is supposed to improve your life, but you now realize that it actually wouldn’t. It’s supposed to make you instantly happy, and if I take it away from you, that feeling will be gone.
You feel that you couldn’t be happy without this thing. Keep on picturing this scenario. You’re now using jealousy to try and get this thing that will make you instantly happy. Is that actually going to happen?
What are you going to acquire, and when you do, is it actually going to make you happy?
How are you going to feel about yourself using these tactics? What do you think it is going to do to you internally? What will it do to your psychological state? Will it be able to produce a happy state for you? Can you now see that it’s actually going to make everything toxic?
It will make everything sour, even if you win. You are going to lose if you use the jealousy strategy. It will go against your life principles and sour everything. Carry this chain of thinking through and I want you to be very specific.
I don’t know what your exact situation is, but I want you to sit down and actually visualize what’s going to happen. What are the chains of events that you want to accomplish here? Be very aware of how you’re going to do it. I want you to ultimately see that it’s not going to get you to where you want it to get you.
Maybe you actually think it will get you there. Maybe if you stop your partner from flirting with someone else it’s going to get you what you want. “What’s wrong with that, Leo? I got what I wanted. I’m happy now.” You have to carry the psychological reasoning through.
If that’s what you’re thinking, then you have to understand the following from the above example. You’re trying to control this person. Controlling a person is a huge red flag. Never do that. It’s a recipe for disaster. Let’s say that you actually control that person and manipulate them to do what you want them to do. Then, you have to keep that control constantly.
This will put you in a state of fear all of the time. You’re going to have to be in this protective bubble where you’re trying to protect yourself. What happens if, two years later, your partner is talking to some attractive person again? Maybe they aren’t even flirting with this person, but in your mind, your radar is going to trigger.
You’re going to have this alarm that it’s happening again, even though it possibly isn’t. Then, you’re going to have to get defensive and protective. Is this state of constantly being defensive, protective and in fear going to lead to happiness?
This is what I want you to really look at. If you need to take a break and go and visualize this process, please do. Take a break, do that, and then come back and continue where you left off.
I hope you did that if it was necessary for you.
External Things Don’t Have Value To You
This is the next thing that I want you to realize. This is difficult to understand. I have a video named What Is Happiness, you might want to take a look at it as well. Basically, the idea is that no thing actually gives you value. This is a trick of the ego.
It is a trick to think that acquiring external stuff gives you value. By value, I mean a really important thing. You can get a hundred thousand dollar car, and you will have a hundred thousand dollars of value in this car. This is true. I’m not denying that. However, you have to look at a deeper value here that isn’t money, social status, fame or something else.
The value is happiness. What you really want in your life is happiness, peace of mind and fulfillment. These aren’t satisfied by external things, even though it seems like they are. This is beyond the scope of this one video, so watch my other videos regarding the topic of happiness. I also have another video named How To Be Attractive which also talks about this a lot. You want to check this one out if you’re dealing with a sexual kind of jealousy.
If you really sit down, think about it, watch some of my videos and study your psychology, you will start to understand that an external thing won’t make you happy. Therefore, it has no real value to you. That thing that’s making you jealous won’t make you happy even if you get it.
If you’re jealous of someone’s house or car, you think you’re going to be happy if you get that house or car. No, you won’t. If you’re jealous of a partner and you want that person for yourself, you think you’re going to be happy if this happens. No, you won’t. You’re incapable of being happy.
Happiness is on the inside. That’s why we turn inwards from the very beginning. We’ve turned inwards and external objects are not really important to us right now. What is really important to you is the internal mindset that you have. You need to cultivate a happiness from within, rather than propping yourself up on something for happiness from without.
Other People Also Cannot Give You Value
This is another thing that you have to realize. This really goes against the grain of what people have been thought or what they think. This really fucks most people up. This, in a way, goes against the grain of common sense.
This is actually true. No relationship can actually give you true value. No human relationship can give you happiness. It’s a little bit hard to recognize this. Watch my video How To Be Attractive for more about this topic.
Basically, when you start thinking about how your psychology really works, how you’ve interacted with people and things in the past, you will recognize the following. A human being can give you some sex, comfort, excitement, baring children, fun and similar. But these external things that they can give you have no real value.
This goes for the “love” that people give you. You’re probably thinking – “Leo, what about love? I need love in my life!” No, you don’t need love in your life. Love is a nice thing to have, if you can get it on reasonable terms. However, it doesn’t make you happy all by itself unless you’re already happy on the inside.
You have to be happy on the inside first. Then, that love becomes nice. It just amplifies everything and takes it to a new level. If you get love, but you’re flawed on the inside and cannot be happy, then that love will just improve your state a little bit. However, it won’t make you happy.
You’re still going to be miserable, with just a layer of love on top of it. Miserable love – this is very common. You’ve probably experienced this many times in prior relationships. Really sit down and realize this.
I recognized this about a year ago. I was in a very contemplative and sort of “Zen” state. That’s when I really recognized – “Oh, shit! No matter how much I build up my business or no matter how hot of a girl I get in my life, no matter how nice people are to me and how recognized I am through Actualized.org, no matter how many subscribers I have and how much money I’m making every single month, it won’t make me happy.” I could actually picture this in my mind.
All of this stuff is very nice, but I have to be happy on the inside for me to truly be happy. This is what you have to understand. This is the realization that I had about a year ago. This is something you can recognize, but also lose track of.
It’s easy to forget about this. You can recognize it again, and then forget about it once more. You have to kind of bring yourself back. This is sort of the point of this video. I want you to take the habit of constantly grounding yourself.
You have to ground yourself in the highest of your values. Realize that the lowest values are not really that valuable. They are not going to produce happiness for you. How do you actually cure jealousy?
Along with all of the things that I mentioned previously, it’s really about self-honesty the most – self-honesty in the practice of mindfulness. I have a video named Mindfulness you might want to check out. It will tell you how to use the technique of mindfulness.
I want to briefly tell you how to use it here right now, and specifically for jealousy. Mindfulness is the practice of simply observing exactly what’s happening in the present moment, and without judgment.
This is the technique that you’re going to use to dissolve your jealousy. When you’re having your jealous moment, I want you to start noticing it while you’re having it. Start to label it. When it’s happening, stop and tell yourself in your mind – “Oh, that’s jealousy! Let me observe how it plays out.”
The trick with this mindfulness is not to judge yourself. Don’t make yourself feel guilty or bad about the jealousy that you’re having. You don’t want to prematurely stop your jealousy. This is like when a hunter observes his pray. I want you to do that. Don’t rush into it. Just watch that jealousy do its nasty business. Watch it objectively, without trying to interfere. This is what mindfulness really is.
It’s a simple process, but it’s also very difficult to do because you are so unconscious when you’re actually engaging in jealous behavior. Become very observant of this.
For example, keeping the aforementioned jealousy log is a great way to practice this. I want you to get better at seeing you being jealous in the moment. If you keep constantly practicing this, it will eventually end your jealousy after some time.
It will auto-correct it, but you have to stay consistent and be mindful. You can’t just be mindful once or twice, or even forget about it. You have to keep the mindfulness going. I also want you to look at the repercussions and what’s really going on. When your jealousy happens, I want you to stand there and actually look at what’s really going on.
For instance, you see your partner talking to an attractive person. Why are you jealous? You believe you will lose something. You feel threatened. Go into this feeling. Why do you feel threatened? Maybe you believe that they will leave you for someone who is better than you. Maybe you didn’t get enough attention as a child, and now you need more love from a person and feel threatened that you’re going to lose them to someone better than you.
You have to take a deep look at what’s going on there and see that it’s actually you, trying to protect a self-image that you have. Notice that this self-image is just a big bunch of ideas. It’s not as solid as it appears to be.
Take your self-image and ego and set it aside for a second. Be cool with the e situation. Try it out like that and see what’s going on. Notice how the self is trying to protect. When you notice this happening, the “self” that is trying to protect starts to feel wrong.
It begins to feel small and petty, and it brings you back to the original higher principles and values that you have in life. You tell yourself that you don’t want to be this small and petty person, but big, magnanimous and noble. If your partner is going to cheat or flirt with someone else, let them do it. You will take the higher ground.
Taking the higher ground will actually make you feel better than taking the lower ground and winning. The mindfulness practice is the key.
Start To Think Favorably
Try to do this as well. Start to think favorably about the people around you who have more than you, or have the things that you don’t have and are jealous of. For example, you’re jealous of your neighbor’s car. Instead of thinking or doing something criticizing, stop. Think or do something like – “Oh, cool! I admire your car!” Good job for them, they have this beautiful car.
You don’t have to necessarily verbalize it to the person. Think it! Here’s another example. You see your partner chatting up with an attractive person. Instead of feeling jealous and insecure, think the opposite of what your ego wants you to do. Instead, think how this person that they are chatting up with is really beautiful.
This is the activity of actually doing the opposite of criticism. Instead of judging and criticizing people, you’re actually giving them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of wishing someone something bad, think of how that person is actually a great person and you wish them all the best.
Make yourself wish this. Be honest with yourself. This will go against the grain of what your ego wants you to do. This is something I have been practicing lately as well. I felt jealous about other YouTube users having more subscribers and comments than me.
Of course, I thought how these people had more subscribers than me but their videos aren’t that good. This is the criticizing part. I now force myself to think how I feel great that they’re doing well and I want them to get more subscribers.
This might be unnatural, but forcing yourself to think like this actually makes you feel good. It goes against this grain of pettiness that you are automatically trying to execute. Think about how you’re a big person, and not a small one.
You have the resources within you to allow other people to be successful around you. You’re not stuck in a scarcity mindset. Instead, you have an abundance mindset. You have faith in yourself. If someone else gets a career promotion instead of you, that’s fine. There are other career promotions.
If someone gets the car and house that you wanted, that’s okay. There are other cars and houses that you could get. If there’s this partner that will potentially leave you for someone else, that’s fine as well. You’re cool, attractive and interesting, and you can get other people.
You’re big enough to allow this. You don’t have to be protective all the time. Open up, rather than being closed. Force yourself to open up, even when it doesn’t feel natural. Do this even when you feel it will threaten your sense of security and survival.
Open it up, because your ego is all about closing you up. You’re like a turtle, sticking its head inside of its shell. This is what your ego is always trying to do. It’s trying to keep you in a closed, secure and survival mode.
Often, survival can become very petty if you’re just thinking about it all the time. Survival gets often amplified by just letting go and sticking your head out of the shell. If a turtle always has its head and limbs, hidden in its shell, it won’t go anywhere in its life. It’s sitting still.
Eventually, something will come around and eat it. You cannot be so protective all the time. You have to open yourself up. Trust that even if someone hurts you, it’s okay. You can deal with it. You’re not fragile, you’re strong. This goes back to the issue of self-esteem.
If you have really low self-esteem, then everything that I have said here might seem a little bit too idealistic for you. You’re probably thinking – “Leo, it’s easy for you to say that. I didn’t get enough love as a kid or I had this traumatic event. I don’t think of myself in this strong way. I don’t believe that I’m strong, lovable, and attractive or that there is abundance in the world.”
You believe that you are in a scarce world and you have to protect yourself. This is a deep issue that I will cover in some other videos. That’s not one that we can just fix immediately. Still, the best way to fix that is to start to open yourself up. An abundance mindset is built when you have a scarcity mindset, but then you actually go against it.
Try to be abundant. As you keep on pushing your abundance comfort zone, then your abundance envelope will expand. Start doing that.
Here are some other suggestions on how to work on your jealousy stuff. We have already covered mindfulness as a key technique. You can use it for many other things, and not only for jealousy. I have some videos for these things already, and some I am going to make. I do not cover all of these things in this video.
Study The Ego
How does the ego function? This gets you into enlightenment work. This is really powerful and deep work. It is the most advanced personal development work that you can do. I will have more videos about that. This basically tells you that your ego is a big ball of bullshit.
It’s an illusion. When you start to see this, your self-esteem and self-image issues literally start to dissolve. They go away permanently. This is the ultimate solution to all self-esteem and self-image issues.
You might not want to build a stronger self-esteem, but you want to eliminate the issue with it altogether. This goes to the very root of the problem. This is advanced work, so you might not be ready for that.
Do Self-Esteem Work
This is a little bit less advanced. I have several different videos about self-esteem. I will be shooting more. Basically, there is a whole slew of work that you can do, such as therapy, “Shadow” work, you can buy books about it, watch videos and find other self-help products about it.
This will teach you how to start and work on your self-esteem. Check out my video on that and maybe start to do some of that self-esteem work.
Affirmations And Visualizations
These can also be very powerful techniques that you can use to counteract low self-esteem and jealousy. You might want to check out my videos on that as well. I have videos on both positive affirmations and visualizations.
This is a really powerful technique. This is a very powerful habit that you should be doing daily. I have a couple of videos that you can watch. They will help you set up a daily meditation habit. If you do that, it will help you with your mindfulness work throughout the day.
It will also help you see that happiness is on the inside. Remember the point I made before? Meditation will help you learn that. It is hard to convey this just by talking to you through a video. It is difficult to logically convince you of this. You have to actually become aware of it as you’re meditating.
We talked about a lot of different things and you have a lot of places where you can start with your work on yourself. There is really no excuse for your jealousy to continue. You understand how it works now and you are not unconscious to it anymore.
You’re going to get better at identifying it. Practice this stuff and commit to practicing some of these techniques in order to really work on yourself until your jealousy goes away. Stick with it and you’ll do great.
This is Leo, I’m signing off. Go ahead and post me your comments, like this video, share it on Facebook and help it spread around. Share it with a friend. The more these videos spread the more free content I can keep releasing.
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