Does ego and selfishness ALWAYS have to backfire?

[Husseinisdoingfine]

So a while ago I posted this thread:

In the thread, I alluded that the reason I was writing it was because I acted selfishly, and it blew up in my face.

Here’s the story:

I was in this group called the Arab Student Club in my local college. I meet this very nice girl and I ask her out. She informs me that she’s cannot because she is a religious Muslim. But little does she know that I am a religious Muslim as well. I ask her out again, with the intention of telling her that I am also a religious Muslim. But when I do that, I forgot the “I am also a Muslim” part. So After the second rejection, I shoot her a text message clarifying what I forgot to tell her. At this point, she tells me that I’m making her uncomfortable and to leave her alone. Then the Arab club bans me due to complaints from this member.I as well wrote in another discord server that “I only go to the Arab club for the women” (which was a joke) and the club leaders found this and used it as evidence to banish me.
 

Btw I’m not a Muslim, pretty much all of my friends and these people I go to college with think I’m a practicing Muslim because that’s what I keep telling them. Why do I keep up this lie? Because all of my friends are Muslim/Arabs and I’m trying to fit in with them.

I even debated whether or not I should accept that this woman’s religion prevents her from being with me, or should I continue to lie about being in a religion that I’m not. I chose lying.

But keeping up this lie, and even partially believing it myself, ended up backfiring and I lost a lot of my friends.

I feel terrible because these kind people even took me out for dinner on Christmas.

[meta_male]

Of course lying to yourself backfires on you. If you have no respect for yourself your surroundings are going to reflect that. She could probably tell you're not being authentic, using logic will just make it worse.

[Husseinisdoingfine]

7 hours ago, meta_male said:

She could probably tell you're not being authentic, using logic will just make it worse.

I do suspect she was stating a falsehood as to get rid of me. 

[meta_male]

@Husseinisdoingfine Yup.

[Emerald]

People can always intuitively tell when people are lying and inauthentic. Untrustworthiness shows up in subtle but pervasive ways in the facial expressions, gestures, behavioral patterns, and speech patterns.

And this tendency is absolutely costing you all the best things in the world!

The opportunities that you would have if you were honest and trustworthy are running away from you at a million miles per hour because your dishonesty is repelling them from you.

The tragedy is that you don’t realize that lying is causing you to miss out… because it all happens silently based off of people mentally picking up on dishonest vibes and not trusting you or wanting to get closer to you.

If you keep being dishonest, people with good character and self-respect won’t want to be around you. They won’t say anything to that effect, they will just quietly avoid you so that the interaction doesn’t happen without you ever being the wiser. And you will miss the opportunity to have healthy relationships and friendships with these people 

And you’ll also be treated much worse with more hostility because you don’t pass the sniff test. And you’ll miss out on other types of non-relationship related opportunities too.

I emphasize all of this to show you that what you’re doing with these lies is that you’re being penny wise and pound foolish.

You’re cutting the corners of honesty to avoid some kind of discomfort… and you’re inviting WAY worse discomforts into your life.

Edited March 9 by Emerald

[Basman]

Texting after the fact that you are of the same ilk is going to come off as fishy and manipulative. Of course she'll think you are lying to get into her panties (which you where).

The problem is bonding over a lie. Lies lead to bad breakups if discovered. It is exhausting to maintain and just kind of scummy to set people up like that. It is much more enjoyable to have friends who bond with your authentic self. And you don't need a lot a friends, so it is fine if most people are just acquaintances.

You should perhaps examine if you hold any limiting beliefs about socialization.

[Husseinisdoingfine]

But the problem is that I don't think that she thinks I was lying. She was probably weirded out by how excessive I was being. What are even Islamic rulings regarding boyfriends/girlfriends? I asked ChatGPT and got this:

Quote

1.Pre-marital relationships: Islam does not permit pre-marital romantic or sexual relationships. The concept of dating as seen in many Western societies does not exist in Islam because it often implies a relationship outside of marriage.

2.Gender interaction: Islam encourages modesty and sets guidelines for the interaction between members of the opposite sex. Non-mahram (those whom one can marry) men and women are advised to lower their gaze and maintain their chastity. Direct, unsupervised contact between non-mahram men and women is discouraged to avoid temptation and safeguard their modesty.

3.Marriage: Marriage is highly valued in Islam as a lawful means to engage in intimacy and build a family. Muslims are encouraged to marry and fulfill their sexual desires in a halal (permissible) manner within marriage.

4.Courtship: While dating is not allowed, Islam does permit a form of courtship to help potential spouses get to know each other within the confines of Islamic law. This usually involves meetings in the presence of a chaperone and is focused on understanding each other's character, faith, and suitability for marriage.

My mistake was not dropping the "I'm a muslim, too", the very moment I asked her out either first or second time in person. 

Edited March 11 by Husseinisdoingfine

[Basman]

12 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

My mistake was not dropping the "I'm a muslim, too", the very moment I asked her out either first or second time in person. 

Lying is a bad basis for relationships. Once you get caught lying, you will forever lose their trust.