Dealing with "Special Dates" Disagreement in Marriage

[shree]

I find myself at a crossroads in my marriage regarding the importance of "special dates" like birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. Personally, I don't hold these dates in high regard. My philosophy is that every day should be cherished and special, making the concept of celebrating these specific dates seem redundant to me. This belief is partly due to my upbringing—my family never placed much emphasis on these celebrations—and partly due to my own mindset, which questions the societal norm of commemorating certain days with gifts and celebrations.

However, this has become a point of contention with my wife, who grew up in a family that took these dates very seriously. It's important to her that we recognize and celebrate these occasions, but I struggle to see their significance in the same way she does. This difference in perspective has led to some friction between us.

I'm reaching out for opinions on how to navigate this aspect of our relationship. How do you balance personal beliefs against your partner's expectations, especially when they stem from deeply ingrained family traditions? Is there a middle ground that respects both viewpoints?

Thank you for your insights.

[Emerald]

My question is... Is it a hard boundary for you that you are against celebrating special dates where you wouldn't feel comfortable because it goes against your values?

Or is it just not something you're used to doing?

If it's the first one... this is an incompatibility. And either you or she will have to compromise something to make the relationship work... or you'll have to change the nature of the relationship to something else.

If it's the second one, my advice is to put in the effort to come to appreciate why she values special dates and what the means to her. And if it's all the same to you, to learn to value and appreciate it... and at least to humor her and not expect her to sacrifice something that means a lot to her for something that's indifferent to you.

For example, celebrating holidays a particular way is important to me. And one of those holiday traditions is to get my kids quite a few gifts for Christmas to put under the Christmas tree. My husband grew up without a lot of money, so there was never a lot of gifts and he had expressed confusion as to why it's important to get a bunch of gifts. 

But he wasn't there when I was a kid experiencing the magical expectation of Santa coming to deliver all those gifts... and how important those memories are to me. And how important it is and has been for me to give my kids the same magic that I enjoyed... and how I never wanted them to miss out.

Luckily, he was fine with it. But I know he doesn't perfectly understand. He just humors me and it has now become a tradition that he also values for other reasons.

So, he was indifferent to it and he compromised to accommodate what was a strong preference for me. And I recommend, in relationships, to compromise if it's not that big of a deal to you.

But if it is a big deal for both of you in your respective positions that neither of you can compromise without feeling like you're betraying yourself and your values, it could just be an incompatibility that will lead to a lot of unresolvable ongoing conflict.

 

[shree]

On 06/03/2024 at 5:05 AM, Emerald said:

My question is... Is it a hard boundary for you that you are against celebrating special dates where you wouldn't feel comfortable because it goes against your values?

Or is it just not something you're used to doing?

If it's the first one... this is an incompatibility. And either you or she will have to compromise something to make the relationship work... or you'll have to change the nature of the relationship to something else.

If it's the second one, my advice is to put in the effort to come to appreciate why she values special dates and what the means to her. And if it's all the same to you, to learn to value and appreciate it... and at least to humor her and not expect her to sacrifice something that means a lot to her for something that's indifferent to you.

My views are shaped by a reaction against the Catholic teachings I was exposed to in my childhood. Additionally, I see family meetings as largely unproductive, especially when I think about the potential to use that time to work toward financial independence. This perspective isn't just about my religious upbringing; it's also about prioritizing my goals and evaluating how best to allocate my time to achieve them.

 

 

On 06/03/2024 at 5:05 AM, Emerald said:

For example, celebrating holidays a particular way is important to me. And one of those holiday traditions is to get my kids quite a few gifts for Christmas to put under the Christmas tree. My husband grew up without a lot of money, so there was never a lot of gifts and he had expressed confusion as to why it's important to get a bunch of gifts. 

But he wasn't there when I was a kid experiencing the magical expectation of Santa coming to deliver all those gifts... and how important those memories are to me. And how important it is and has been for me to give my kids the same magic that I enjoyed... and how I never wanted them to miss out.

Luckily, he was fine with it. But I know he doesn't perfectly understand.

I also grew up without a lot of money and hardly any gifts, so it's hard for me to understand why my kids need so many gifts now.

But i am ok with that part.

 

On 06/03/2024 at 5:05 AM, Emerald said:

He just humors me and it has now become a tradition that he also values for other reasons.

So, he was indifferent to it and he compromised to accommodate what was a strong preference for me. And I recommend, in relationships, to compromise if it's not that big of a deal to you.

I'll think about this more so I can help support my wife's views on gifts for our kids going forward.

On 06/03/2024 at 5:05 AM, Emerald said:

But if it is a big deal for both of you in your respective positions that neither of you can compromise without feeling like you're betraying yourself and your values, it could just be an incompatibility that will lead to a lot of unresolvable ongoing conflict.

I'll keep these insights in mind. Thanks a lot, your guidance has been incredibly helpful!

[Spiral]

@shree Happy wife, happy life. That how it works unfortunately.

It’s boring and you don’t care. I get it, I also couldn’t care less about those things. However relationships require work to work out. 

[Nilsi]

All I hear is "me, me, me."

Your woman clearly cares. All you have to do is pretend to be in a good mood and look forward to those days a couple of times a year so she can celebrate and enjoy herself on these occasions. Of course, you don't have to care about those silly traditions, but you better care about your woman.

Edited March 10, 2024 by Nilsi

[Lucasxp64]

Don't bother. Just appear excited, it's just the basics of persuasion, that's necessary to live well among other people.

You don't have to try to bring them in into your philosophy about something this trivial if it upsets them.

[Raze]

Celebrations may be a aspect of her love language, both partners should adapt to each other’s love language to some degree.