My bf doesn’t want me to go out to the bar without him

[lizz_luna]

Okay, I need some honest feedback and serious advice, I am willing to open my eyes to a broader perspective.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.6y, and we are pretty serious, live together, plan a future together.

This has been the root of our heaviest arguments in the relationship, he doesn’t want me to go out to bars without him.

when we met,(we met in one on the first place) I used to go out more. I don’t drink nor smoke nor do any drugs and I am 24, I only now go casually, I would say once every month and a half, I am from Mexico City so I truly enjoy dancing and am social, (I don’t do that as much now). I am currently living in a small town (100k) canada so it is cold af and I find it a good way to simply have fun.

I would also understand if I got hammered drunk and went out every weekend and had a bad rep, but I have mentioned I don’t do any of that. I like to go to the latin bar in town because they play music I enjoy and feel familiar with. 

he doesn’t want me to go because he says it’s a place where people go because they want to hookup. I have explained my pov but he says I am disrespecting him by going out without him. He doesn’t have a problem of me going with him,

the thing here is he works outside of town on a week on week off basis so there’s been times where I have wanted to go out with him and he is not in town.

 

I am the type of woman that is like very free so having to “ask for permission” drives me nuts and makes me feel restricted (also I have learned to reframe my mindset as I am being protected by him) 

 

this is what blew things up last night, we had made an agreement that I would go with him but if I ever wanted to do girls night (which is rare maybe 2-3x a year?) he would either go with someone or be alone. 
 

my friends wanted to go out last night, my friends are as sober as me, they are older and more mature, and wanted to go out and dance. He was in town so I said well, go and just be there somewhere if you insist, he made this big tantrum (in my eyes) and he left home last night.

 

he said that I am not seeing how it hurts him that I go by myself and how it’s disrespecting to him. Now I am always submissing in the relationship and honestly pleasing but this is one of those non negotiables for me. I seriously do not intend to flirt, I seriously just want to go out with my friends haha.

he also broke his word because he had agreed to go but now he didn’t wanted to go because it was a girls night and said he had no one to go with. I was 100% okay with him going and just being on the distance.

but after he left i just feel like he is insecure and controlling and I desire more maturity but I might be missing something. 

male friends, could you support me with your views, experience? 

Edited March 1 by lizz_luna

[Consept]

Yeah this is definitely an insecurity issue on his part, ultimately if you're with someone there has to be trust on both ends. If how you're saying it is accurate, whereby you're not going out often, not drinking etc then his fear around it seems over the top. 

Now to be sure, there could be reasons for this, maybe he was hurt in the past in this way or betrayed or something like that. It would be worth having an honest conversation where you try and get to the bottom of the issue and try and truly understand his perspective, even if you dont agree with it. 

If you have non-negotiables as you do , you need to be authentic with them, Otherwise you are essentially faking it to stay in the relationship. This builds up resentment at least from you to him and will not end well. 

If you try everything and he's still not getting it then unfortunately it may not work out long term, but if you think it's a worthwhile relationship then you should make every effort to work on it

Bueno suerte 

[Dauntment]

*read the whole post* (._.")

But serious input/some perspective:

• I would agree that he is being "immature" (although could simultaneously be perceived that he has good intentions, is very protective and cares deeply to make the relationship work)
• Confront this and come to a resolution, IMMEDIATELY. 
  • You continue operating within that boundary (his "demand"/request)
  • He "gets over it" (accepts/allows it etc.)
  • Its understandable given the nature of "it" (girls night out) along with existing notions/cliches such as:
    • You may have a little too much to drink
    • A "+1 to your BF" ("objectively superior" as redpill may say; height, looks, wealth, charm, etc.) takes interest in you...blah blah etc.
    • But given the sense of "acclaimed maturity" within your circle...I'd be in your favor
• I accurately estimated your age w/o seeing you say it lol

Long story short: Sounds like he is a conventional young male who may have spent too much time on social media and/or is still working on himself (insecurities). I'm not sure how much you 2 expect from Reality/Life but if "a girls night out" (given you're sincere/mature/loyal); which if I may add...seems to be particularly strong with Latino culture) is "too much for him to bare".......then......Lol. *Its understood*

"but now he didn’t wanted to go because it was a girls night and said he had no one to go with."  Respectfully (seriously).......this sounds like something a teenage boy would spout (pattern of thinking)

Final Conclusion: Hopefully you're able to aid/support him in his development (particularly with his insecurities; because to make it explicit: His "demand" essentially is equal to him saying "I don't trust your autonomous judgment") but if not....."you two had a good run" & "there's billions of other fish in the sea"......just don't get stuck for months & months wasting your time/youth, Enjoy Reality