Advice for getting over (/healing) from unloving father?

[Bear632]

My Russian father has a strong deficiency of love due to the severe trauma he experienced as a child that I will not detail.

He passed that on to me via verbal/emotional abuse growing up, and not "filling me with love" so to speak, because he had none in himself to draw from.

Intellectually, I understand it all more or less perfectly. But I still cannot get over it. 

I'm on a path now that I feel is fruitful (weekly somatic/IFS/depth psychotherapy + 1.5-2.5 g psilocybin every 1-2 weeks). But I'd like to ask for input from others. This trauma has been a major hindrance to my meditation practice and spiritual growth at large.

Other things I've tried:

- Substances to fix symptoms (none addressed root cause -- modafinil, weed, nicotine, yerba mate, L-theanine, ashwagandha, etc.)

- Intense meditation "This time I'm really gonna sit for 1 hour (I would, and then I'd fall off again in practice -- feels like 1 step is on gas, other is on brake)

- Gradual meditation (start small, 1-5 min "sets", do as many as you can)

- Breathwork (causes me to cry 50% of the time, effective but hard to stick to)

- Exercise (effective for feeling better for the day, but seems more like a band-aid approach)

- Talking to my father. Told him how he hurt me and how it's negatively affected my life (felt good briefly, but had little long-term therapeutic value. I actually feel bad about it now because it was essentially a laundry list of how he failed me as a father, but he's so deeply unconscious from his own trauma that I think I just caused more unnecessary suffering.

Anyways, anyone's input is appreciated. Thanks for reading!

[Ulax]

Hey dude,

Am impressed by the action you're taking. Sounds to me like you are doing the right sorts of things. Perhaps also adding in massage to help with the trauma trapped in the form of body tension could help too.

[lizz_luna]

Sounds to me like you are doing a great job healing. I would encourage to think about in what specific ways is this past affecting you now?

For example, having difficulty relationship with others, feeling safe and loved by x, difficulty staying in a loving relationship, socializing etc. etc. and work on creating in the now better results.

Sometimes we are so focused on the pain that we forget why are we healing in the first place. Otherwise you will always prioritize and perpetuate what happen to you as an excuse of why you cant do x, be x, say x.

When creating better results, I would always encourage you to include a somatic experience like deep breaths through the uncomfortable. For example, in my own healing process I worked through my shaman dad cheating on my mother and starting another family because he met his soulmate. Now in my relationships I used to run away perpetuating the wound of being abandoned because that is my learned behaviour. Through healing, you learn that whatever thing your parents did does not have to be the same for you, and you can choose different. 

Now when the patters show up and there is difficulty with my partner and want to run away, I learn to calm down. Sit with the uncomfortable, and choose to be loved and held by myself and my partner without needing to run away because it is too uncomfortable. This has healed me more than all the shrooms and meditations I used to do in the past.

Relationship wounds can only be healed in relationships, through choosing a different narrative. I encourage you to view through what lens are your relationships being affected and work and heal there. They tend to show up strongly in our relationships and IN THE BODY. 

Focus on the somatics of not feeling loved + emotional abuse and you'll find gold.

Hope it helps!

Edited February 23, 2024 by lizz_luna

[CoolDreamThanks]

Realize that you created your father to hurt you to project your metaphysical unconscious guilt unto him. You are the dreamer, there is no father, only your thoughts.

[Bear632]

@CoolDreamThanks

Why would I do that? Is there a purpose or lesson I'm supposed to get or is it just a roll of the dice experience in infinity?

Is this karma?

[Bear632]

@Ulax

Massages are relaxing, but I've never experienced any kind of healing from them for inner issues. Are you referring to a specific technique or massage practice I may be unaware of?

[CoolDreamThanks]

That's the main question, isn't it? If you are the creator, why create all this suffering? It's very complex, as you might imagine. To get the answer, read the Dissapearance of the Universe by Gary Renard. Gl brother.

[Ulax]

11 hours ago, Bear632 said:

@Ulax

Massages are relaxing, but I've never experienced any kind of healing from them for inner issues. Are you referring to a specific technique or massage practice I may be unaware of?

@Bear632 Deep tissue type stuff imo. Also, not just doing it one off, but say twice a month or something like that, I'd say.

But better still, I'd try see a massage practioner who will sort of tailor their approach based on how your body reacts imo.

Edited February 24, 2024 by Ulax

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

Scott Kiloby KI inquiry works with this . Trauma and chronic pain associated to it 

[Butters]

My dad has had major mental health issues and he raised me as a single parent. Later in life I've tried to psycho analyze this but it came down to problems with empathy and communication leading to substance abuse. That then lead to neglect and trauma for me. I grew up feeling really guilty for my parents divorce and just feelings of guilt in general (low self worth). 

I'm not sure what to tell you. On the one hand I got over the feelings of guilt and my self worth and self love is fantastic nowadays. On the other hand, increasing my own feelings of self worth makes it harder for me to watch him continue his life with low self worth, if that makes any sense. This can become a vicious cycle because you want to pull someone up with you but their low self worth will not only make that impossible but also turn you into the bad guy somehow. Someone with low self worth has such an unbelievably strong frame that they will manage to pull everybody down with them. People trying to help can be turned into people trying to harm, it is fucking unbelievable. 

Here's another paradox: the more I grow and become aware of myself and others, the less I'm able to forgive my dad. Now you'd think I'll be able to forgive him better, but by increasing my own self love and feelings of self worth I realize it's better to choose myself and not gaslight myself into thinking he's a good guy. Sure, I understand rationally he had no other choice but to be himself and I don't blame him in that way, but the neglect and emotional abuse of a child is also unacceptable, neurological damage or not. 

I always thought the end stage of this was indifference; he's not good, he's not bad, things just are. But maybe that's not even human. Seriously the more I do this work the more I'm able to introspect lovingly on this issue. It's interesting. What you resist persist, so just let it be. 

Maybe there is no end stage to it. These issues are so complex! Millions of variables go into it, childhood emotions, your brain literally forming. To think you can sit as an adult and just work through it may be ignorant. You can always find another angle. 

The best you can reach is as much self love and self worth as you can. 

On 2/23/2024 at 10:47 AM, Bear632 said:

- Talking to my father. Told him how he hurt me and how it's negatively affected my life (felt good briefly, but had little long-term therapeutic value. I actually feel bad about it now because it was essentially a laundry list of how he failed me as a father, but he's so deeply unconscious from his own trauma that I think I just caused more unnecessary suffering.

Good you did that, I did it too. It can be helpful but of course I didn't get the response I'd like to have gotten. But it's still good to do I think, just to break through that barrier. 

Don't gaslight yourself there. It doesn't matter he's deeply unconscious, your emotions are valid. 

Edited February 26, 2024 by Butters

[TheCloud]

On 2/23/2024 at 3:47 AM, Bear632 said:

- Talking to my father. Told him how he hurt me and how it's negatively affected my life (felt good briefly, but had little long-term therapeutic value. I actually feel bad about it now because it was essentially a laundry list of how he failed me as a father, but he's so deeply unconscious from his own trauma that I think I just caused more unnecessary suffering.

His failures are in the past.  Try to meet him where he is, rather than where he was.  It's important to confirm and acknowledge where he has improved.  It's encouraging if he was willing to sit still and listen to your laundry list;  just his willingness to listen greatly expands your opportunities for reconciliation.

The basics you might focus on are:  does he know how you suffered, and does he care that you suffered?  If he doesn't know, then he needs to be GENTLY informed.  If he doesn't care, then you need to protect yourself.

People can be so ignorant that it's almost impossible to believe, but it is so.  He may not know that you suffered when he called you names or screamed at you for minor mistakes.  His habitual revulsion for himself cut off that awareness, so he couldn't see or know what was indisputably obvious and true.  So you may need to gently remind him of the truly obvious, being as unaccusing and nonconfrontational as you can.

"Do you know that I suffered a lot when you screamed at me?"

At this point, he's likely to make a lot of excuses.  Your job is to listen to his excuses, and then further insist on a clear yes/no answer to your question.  If he can't give a clear answer, that is a sign that you may need to take measures to protect yourself by distancing yourself, because he's so disconnected from reality and/or your well-being that it might be better to be strangers.

If he does give a clear answer, then a complex process begins.  You will surely have much more to say about your suffering, and he will also have much to say about his reasons for his misbehavior and what he'd hoped for that wasn't achieved.  There may be a lot that you don't know about each others' experiences.  Try to focus on where he's at now, rather than where he was.  Does he now understand that he can't behave that way with you anymore?  Does he now know what is right and what is wrong?  He can't change his past, but he can do right in the present.  The goal is to reach a point where the past is irrelevant, and you can relate to each other as adults committed to communication and support.

You can't change your father into a different kind of person.  What you can do is take measures to ensure that your relationship is based on sound principles like trust and honesty and acknowledgement.  If you can't achieve that, then self-protection is a priority.  Before you die, you want every single close relationship you have to be based on sound principles.