My Ego Wants Me Dead?

[Subconscious94]

First i apologise for my title being a bit morbid, but its something i've come to realise about the thoughts that are simply not mine.

 

So i've been doing a little digging within my own mind and as i've been observing my thoughts, it seems like the ego within me wants me to die, or at least to be very unhealthy and unhappy. 

 

I'll explain: so basically i feel my ego wants me to die for some reason, it wants me to stay up late after 2 in the morning, sit down for long periods of time without moving, to eat the crisps or chocolate that is on the table, to indulge in unhealthy habits, to think negatively about myself and the world, to stop taking care of myself like showering or even wanting to groom myself, to stop socialising and engaging with people, to stop exercising etc etc.

 

Now i've had these thoughts and have engaged with them for years but what baffles me is why these thoughts have come about? i've had depression throughout my teens as well as having some troubling times when i was much younger (with difficulty making friends at school as for some reason kids didnt like me and i recall being told off all the time by the teachers for being myself between 4-7) and from that i'm sure thats where the perspective of myself shifted and it went down hill for me spiritually, however i want to know why my ego is like this, but for other its not.

 

Take Zlatan Ibrahimovic or even Cristiano Ronaldo who are one of the best footballers of all time, they both have very high egos, you can see it in them, however there egos push them to win and succeed, to constantly work hard and never miss a training session, to even make sure they go to bed at the right time for their own health and to always work on being healthy etc, they are of course millionaires as well.

 

The question that ive always wanted to know (And especially throughout my darkest depression days) is,why is my ego against me all the time? Why is it that my ego is programmed so to speak to want to hurt me? Wheres the love? Wheres the motivation and passion to be healthy and invent something like the lightbulb for example, however i know for others, as ive just explained have their egos working for them rather than against them.

 

Its only when i allow my ego to take control over my mind does my life immediately go in a downwards spiral where i have feelings of self-hate, apathy, procrastination, self-sabotage and seeking validation, i experience all of these feelings when my ego takes control, i just dont understand why.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Arkandeus]

the ego is violence, it's separation, it's hate. 

you can pat yourself on the back for your love is so strong that your ego directs all its violence inwards. 

what happens with out of control ego's in other people is that the violence is direct outwards, so they start abusing and hating other people, that is how you get murderers. 

You are by yourself containing all the evil that is the ego and you should be proud of yourself. 
The ego is a learned thing, it is not your fault, it is a result of thousand of years of human civilization, and when we're born we pick up on that subconsciously and get infected by it. 

The ego is losing the battle though as we get more and more loving and accepting as a society. 
What you feel is the battle of mankind, the struggle for evolution and it is happening in every one of us. 

To overcome is to first understand that you are not it, that it is an outside influence that has taken place inside you. 
You literally have a bundle of negative energy inside you, and it has nothing to do with who you are.
The battle happens on the level of identity.
If you believe that these bad thoughts are you, that this energy is yours, the ego wins because you then believe it can influence you. 

If you manage to stay true to your heart, you'll know that you are not this destructive energy. 

It's trying to pull you down, pull others down, don't believe in it, don't identify with it. 
Just do your own thing. Ignore the ego, do yourself. That's why it's important to know your identity. who are you really deep inside your heart and what do you want to do? if you can follow your heart, you'll know who you are and you'll know that the ego is not you. 

if you follow your mind, you will not be able to find your true identity and make a distinction. 
 

Edited April 11, 2017 by Arkandeus

[pluto]

The last thing in this world the ego wants is for you to die because it dies too lol. Subconscious on the other hand can be re-programmed.

Checkout Dr Bruce Lipton on Re-programming the subconscious mind.

[Subconscious94]

Thank you guys for your responses.

So then why is it that people who have become millionaires and 'successful' people, why then have they been able to achieve so much, surely their egos would have sabotaged their progress if the ego is so 'bad'?  But that cant be the case because you can see that these 'successful' people have really BIG ego's, so whats going on here.

As i've said when i allow my ego to take control i massively self-sabotage, in fact currently i have no life as of speaking because of the destruction my ego has put me through and continues to do so, every good thing that happens to me slowly and subtly is lost over time and i feel that if i keep this up i will die, its as simple as that, this is the path im going down but why is this so? Why cant i have the Egos of people say Cristiano Ronaldo or Kobe Bryant, why cant i have their ego's, why is mine so self-destructive, can someone please explain?

What im saying is you say the 'ego' is bad but that simply cannot be the case with so many people in this world who clearly have a large ego but they live such amazing and might i say happy lives something isnt adding up.

[JustinS]

Sit down,  close your eyes, and silently witness what's going on without trying to grasp on or change anything. Shine your awareness on it. If you keep quiet long enough you will be shown the answers to most or all your problems. 

[WaveInTheOcean]

Stop differentiating between mind and ego. It's the same. It's you (because you do very much identify yourself as a person(ego) inside a bag of skin).

Mind. Ego. Person. Self. All words pointing to the same: the false self. It's false because it truly doesn't exist. It's just a phony sensation that you exist as such a self that makes it seem real. When people say Ronaldo has a big ego, the word is used in another context than in non-dualism.

So you want your self killed.

You don't have an ego. You are the fucking ego.

"it seems like the ego within me wants me to die, or at least to be very unhealthy and unhappy. "

"Why is it that my ego is programmed so to speak to want to hurt me?"

Questions for you:
 

1. The ego within who exactly? You? Who are you?

2. Want to hurt who? Can you really be hurt? Only an ego can be hurt. You are that ego - or well, truth is you aren't, what you are is consciousness/nothingness/God pretending it's an ego - it's a fun game, everyone (consciousness in many forms) are playing it, some egos are aware they don't exist (i.e. that it's a game) and some (most egos, 99,99%+) are not aware and instead believe they were born as an ego and will die as an ego (ego= person/body/mind w/e).

 

[TJM1959]

On 4/11/2017 at 7:14 AM, Subconscious94 said:

i feel my ego wants me to die for some reason

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbj4nLOPN8o

Click on this link above, when the video plays, close your eyes and really listen, if need be, play it twice. You may receive some insights into what and why you are experiencing what you are, today. I listen his messages on a regular basis, amazing.

[Subconscious94]

Heres a question:

Take person A someone who is self-destructive, as in they continue to engage with negative habits which only make their life and health for that matter worse, they also have suicidal tendencies and self-harm.

Now take Person B who becomes a millionaire and he's also never read a book on self-development or Spirituality.

What would you say is the reason for that persons poor mental state compared to a guy who doesnt know any spiritual or self-development material and still becomes a millionaire?

Do both of these people have an Ego? As im sure the answer is yes, then why is person A unable to become a millionaire, but person B can?

[The Universe]

On 17/04/2017 at 7:47 PM, JustinS said:

Sit down,  close your eyes, and silently witness what's going on without trying to grasp on or change anything. Shine your awareness on it. If you keep quiet long enough you will be shown the answers to most or all your problems. 

Thank you so much... ! 

Edited April 20, 2017 by The Universe

[The Universe]

On 18/04/2017 at 9:34 PM, Subconscious94 said:

Heres a question:

Take person A someone who is self-destructive, as in they continue to engage with negative habits which only make their life and health for that matter worse, they also have suicidal tendencies and self-harm.

Now take Person B who becomes a millionaire and he's also never read a book on self-development or Spirituality.

What would you say is the reason for that persons poor mental state compared to a guy who doesnt know any spiritual or self-development material and still becomes a millionaire?

Do both of these people have an Ego? As im sure the answer is yes, then why is person A unable to become a millionaire, but person B can?

Because of Self-Discipline, power and arrogance.

[Emerald]

On 4/11/2017 at 7:14 AM, Subconscious94 said:

First i apologise for my title being a bit morbid, but its something i've come to realise about the thoughts that are simply not mine.

 

So i've been doing a little digging within my own mind and as i've been observing my thoughts, it seems like the ego within me wants me to die, or at least to be very unhealthy and unhappy. 

 

I'll explain: so basically i feel my ego wants me to die for some reason, it wants me to stay up late after 2 in the morning, sit down for long periods of time without moving, to eat the crisps or chocolate that is on the table, to indulge in unhealthy habits, to think negatively about myself and the world, to stop taking care of myself like showering or even wanting to groom myself, to stop socialising and engaging with people, to stop exercising etc etc.

 

Now i've had these thoughts and have engaged with them for years but what baffles me is why these thoughts have come about? i've had depression throughout my teens as well as having some troubling times when i was much younger (with difficulty making friends at school as for some reason kids didnt like me and i recall being told off all the time by the teachers for being myself between 4-7) and from that i'm sure thats where the perspective of myself shifted and it went down hill for me spiritually, however i want to know why my ego is like this, but for other its not.

 

Take Zlatan Ibrahimovic or even Cristiano Ronaldo who are one of the best footballers of all time, they both have very high egos, you can see it in them, however there egos push them to win and succeed, to constantly work hard and never miss a training session, to even make sure they go to bed at the right time for their own health and to always work on being healthy etc, they are of course millionaires as well.

 

The question that ive always wanted to know (And especially throughout my darkest depression days) is,why is my ego against me all the time? Why is it that my ego is programmed so to speak to want to hurt me? Wheres the love? Wheres the motivation and passion to be healthy and invent something like the lightbulb for example, however i know for others, as ive just explained have their egos working for them rather than against them.

 

Its only when i allow my ego to take control over my mind does my life immediately go in a downwards spiral where i have feelings of self-hate, apathy, procrastination, self-sabotage and seeking validation, i experience all of these feelings when my ego takes control, i just dont understand why.

 

Thank you for reading.

I had two experiences of ego transcendence, where it was basically like a zooming out from the self concept. And I had no fear or need for myself or reality to be anything other than what it is. So, I was able to notice and be aware of a lot more things about reality that I would normally be insulated from by various coping mechanisms. One thing that I noticed that I was previously unaware of is that I had one internal voice that I would normally identify as "me" that wanted only good things for everyone. This voice wanted everything to be at peace and wonderful for me and everyone else and the Earth. Then there was another voice that I was not yet aware of. It was a very negative voice that wanted to destroy everything. It gave me flashes of murderous fantasies and imagined through all sort of different destructive scenarios where I would tear myself or others apart. But in that state of awareness, I was just the observer of these two voices. I was normally afraid and hiding from the negative voice. So, I didn't feel comfortable hearing it. But I knew it had always been there and I know it still is. It's good to realize that you are not that voice. But you must try to find room for that voice to become heard, as this is what helps integrate the negative voice into consciousness where it will cease to have a negative impact on your actions. 

Also, I'm sure that everyone has both of these inner voices. Perhaps people who've worked on their self structures have reintegrated their negative voice to the point where it has no negative influence on behaviors. But a strong ego that's helpful could be hiding those destructive impulses as well. They may have a lot of ugliness that stirs around in other ways that simply doesn't brandish itself in the arena of performance and personal success. 

Edited April 21, 2017 by Emerald

[Subconscious94]

Interesting point, thanks for that!

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, My_Name_Is_Mud said:

Have you decided which voice is "you" yet? It's probably the biggest decision you will ever make.

In some cultures that second voice is known as Son of the morning star. It's not really a star, but a planet so proud it wants to outshine all the stars--but its' brightness only comes from reflecting the light from the stars it wants to outshine. Like an angel that no longer wants to serve God, but steal the throne for itself. Lucifer/Beelzebub/Annubis/Insert Deity here.

Listening to the second voice is easier, like Lucas' "dark side", and brings relief, but only temporary. Your antics are at first "innocuous", but it progresses gradually, and everybody loses control eventually. This is the voice that allows humans to stuff other humans in mass furnaces without batting an eye; the voice that justifies stealing grandma's life savings to the nervous Wall Street banker, and occasionally whispers into a mother's ear that she should drown her troublesome crying child in the bathtub. The prisons and mental hospitals are chalk full of people who identified with this voice.

I came from the perspective of identifying strongly with the positive voice. So, my conscious actions were always well-intentioned. In fact, my big problem was that I identified to strongly with the positive voice, and didn't want to see the negative voice in me. I had no awareness of it. Goodness was (and still is to some degree) one of my strongest identifications. But the negative found it's way to covertly influence my behaviors. So, some people may identify or give expression to the negative voice, and end up doing terrible destructive things. But identifying with the good voice, doesn't really do much better. It was more a realization that neither voice was me, so I could watch both without judgment or discomfort. And with that level of awareness, neither voice had a sway over me. But the ability to separate from these warring voices allowed me to hear a much quieter voice: the voice of wisdom.

[Emerald]

2 hours ago, My_Name_Is_Mud said:

When I mentioned the two voices above, that was a misnomer--there is only one voice. When you do, think, and act from that place of True Self there is no voice. There is nothing to listen to because you don't need to be told to do what comes naturally when there is no ego.

Religious metaphors aside, it is our egoic voice which is the trickster and the deceiver, and the source of so much suffering. Any action taken with the intent to deceive is not coming from a place of wisdom but from wisdom's opposite and evil twin brother the ego; so good at what it does, it can even convince some it doesn't exist at all--but as with so many other things, actions speak louder than words.

I suppose that is true that it is ultimately one voice in the end. But I definitely experienced it as two loud clashing voices fighting constantly and violently against one another. I was strangely in awe of the fact that I was wanting to make everything so positive and hopeful and pleasant for everyone and everything and at the same exact time I wanted to burn everyone's houses down and kill everyone in the most painful way possible. It was like watching a volatile chemical reaction happen inside of me that I would normally hide from myself. But I was watching it like a child would watch fireworks. It was like watching the dance of good and evil. But these were just small when zoomed out from. The voice of wisdom was a deep kind of knowing. It didn't really come as a thought. It showed itself to me as something that I had always had but had not known that I had. A deep satisfaction of all drives to seek new knowledge or skillsets, as I always had. I already knew that it was all already there. There was no need to seek any more knowledge to make myself some way or to come to some point of knowing this or that thing to satisfy my seeking drive. 

[Emerald]

36 minutes ago, My_Name_Is_Mud said:

@Emerald Oh, forgot to ask: doing another video anytime soon? It's been over two weeks since the last one, and you used to upload them like clockwork.

Also, have you ever considered being a mentor for younger girls? I don't know if you remember Annie on your channel, but imo she could use a strong and confident female role model such as yourself. I believe she also wanted a relationship, and since you are happily married perhaps you could offer a few pointers? 

I will probably continue to upload once every 2-3 weeks until early June when my assignment ends. I've been having difficulty finding energy to make them weekly because I work 40 hours a week and each video takes me about 10 hours of work to put together. So, fifty hours of work and the rest of the time for child rearing is difficult for me to keep up with. When I get the chance to film after the kids go to bed, all I want to do is relax and have some me time. Before, I was working about 20 hours a week, so it wasn't a big stretch in energy to make a video a week and be really consistent with my schedule. But I figured that with summer coming up, I will have a lot more time on my hands and I can even schedule multiple filmings in one sitting. Since the setup to the filming is one of the more time consuming and difficult to schedule things, this should help my frequency and consistency. I may even decide to do one long video a week like normal, and maybe a few quicker videos for throughout the week. But I'm not sure yet. I have to see how it goes.

I have considered mentorship before. I work with kid and teenagers, so I have somewhat of a mentorship function. But it isn't in the same way as I'd be giving direct life advice or anything of that nature. I don't remember Annie off-hand, but I normally have a pretty good memory for people who comment. Can you describe her screen picture or the things she talked about in her comments?

[Toby]

6 minutes ago, Emerald said:

I have considered mentorship before. I work with kid and teenagers, so I have somewhat of a mentorship function. But it isn't in the same way as I'd be giving direct life advice or anything of that nature. I don't remember Annie off-hand, but I normally have a pretty good memory for people who comment. Can you describe her screen picture or the things she talked about in her comments?

I guess he might be talking about Annetta who in several threads here complained that she is "stalked" by him.

[Toby]

@My_Name_Is_Mud dude, are you just a friendly and caring guy or are you trapped in this delusion: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotomania?

[Guest Annetta]

@Toby He's a troll.

[Guest Annetta]

@Loreena For sure, what's up?

[Guest Annetta]

@Loreena Oh yeah, when I got into with you a few weeks ago, I had said that I would ignore your posts so you didn't feel like you were being judged, you had mentioned concern about that.  One second.