Weird Idea akin to "I am my own grandfather"

[Keryo Koffa]

I thought about the dreams and my past, how I formed my identity, how I navigate reality, how unconsciousness exists and the meaning I found within my past experiences. How many times I was despairing and found significance in my dreams. And how that created ambition and drive within me, shaped me in specific ways, gave me freedoms and opportunities and lessons and on a meta scale evolved me and my understanding from all the lowest lows to all the highest highs.

And that I want to learn to consciously create my dreams and explore them since its a dimension far vaster and more malleable than waking experience. And I thought about my past self and his unfulfilled desires. And I want him to experience those, but I changed, "a man cannot step into the same river twice, for he is not the same man and it is not the same river", but if I recreated myself would that even be the original or a copy, that one despite being like my past self would not be me but if I were me I wouldn't remember the current me, so I couldn't fulfill my desire of fulfilling his desire, yet both must exist and be fulfilled and also hold their own integrity. But what I can do and I do not know how yet is to be the unconscious part of my past self that shapes his dreams and unconscious parts of his experience.

But now I realize I might already have been that one all along without having even become it yet. I've always wondered where the unconscious is, how I can move without knowing how to move, how I can abstract and forget, how every thought and idea enters my mind seemingly at random, and especially recently on psychedelics and ketamine, how doing anything comes with a sense of inverse kinematics, that I do not consider each muscle strand in my body but perform a desired movement automatically, without being conscious of the details. And I intuit that there is a self aware of everything that has to pull the precise strings to allow all that complexity that I am unaware of.

And that doesn't invalidate reality and freedom as I feel it at all. I can do what I can do and my awareness is always present focused on the ever next thing in question. In fact, this makes the experience feel less jarring. I've recently been breaking down at the concept of death and the pain of others and also have been trying to reconcile the idea of solipsism and the idea of suffering and why god would allow it. But now, if the experience is focused on me, then I can see that I am teaching myself that lesson, I am also shaping my experience, others only exist inside of my experience but they are as real to me as I am since they are aspects of myself.

Every person is a potential self who walked a different road, every animal is a creature with different inclinations, every country a different lifestyle. It always seemed to me that I was born at the crossroads of time, as we are approaching technological singularity, that I got to experience a far vaster array of experiences than people of the past, that I am in the perfect place to be and experience to become the self that I am, whose viewpoint I can only appreciate by being that self that very self that I am.

I picked up so much on actualized.org and I'm reconciling all these ideas and potentials and many more in my mind trying to make sense of it and it seems that the currently conscious self that writes this is a version of a vaster developing self that creates its own experience from the future, from the past and from the present simultaneously and has freedom in all these domains.

If this is the case, a huge stone would be lifted of my heart. I could see that it was me all along, that no one had to suffer but myself. That I was creating myself through the negotiation of potentials and that I will not truly die but only change, so I can stop grieving and beating myself up and actually start living now.