Who can relate to this?

[trenton]

Sometimes I feel alone because I don't see anybody who can relate to this kind of story. This event emotionally scarred me as a child and I want to see if something similar happened to others.

When I was six I had a sexual interaction with my four year old sister. We put our private parts in each other's faces. It was sexual curiosity and we had no intention of being abusive. However, when my mom found out she accused me of sexually abusing my sister. She told me that my actions were a crime and that I would go to jail. The most damaging part was when my mother made the accusations and not the sexual interaction itself.

I have become a different person because of this incident. First of all, I have been struggling to reestablish my sense of self worth. I did not deserve love and compassion because the situation was my fault. I distanced myself from other sexually curious kids while at school. I felt that behaving like them would diminish my self worth. The reason I place a lot of pressure on myself to self actualize, build a good career, and to pursue higher ideals is because I am trying to develop proof of my self worth. I still haven't recovered my sense of self worth and sometimes it leads to me hating myself.

Along the way I became sensitive to sexual harassment that happened at school. There were girls who would touch me inappropriately for example. This made me even more distant from the other students.

I have a lot of stories about why I should not pursue sex or any kind of intimate relationship. Although on the surface my objections seem rational, I would be a different person of not for what happened when I was six. My aversion to intimacy is ultimately due to sexual trauma which was not caused by sexual abuse. It led to a disowning of sexual curiosity.

How many of you can relate to this kind of trauma story? What have you done to recover? Did you have a sexual interaction with a sibling and how has it affected you?

[Princess Arabia]

Isn't it enough that you're reliving your own traumatic story by keep telling it.  Now you want to add others' to your memory bank. The brain doesn't know the difference between what's real and what's being imagined, so every time you tell your story the body is going through that experience over and over and over and over. The more you place that story in your Awareness, and give it light, you are reliving that experience over and over and over again. The brain will release the same chemicals that it did when the event happened and the body will contract.

This is why you'll forever feel traumatized because the mind believes it's actually happening again and you will forever need to go to therapy or have them reminding you of them whenever something happens to you in life that triggers a snap shot you've stored in your memory from the incident If you keep repeating those stories instead of trying to find ways to get over them and release the stored energy in the body. Asking people to tell you of their traumatic experiences just for the hell of it will only prolong what may be necessary to help you heal. 

Please don't take this as being insensitive to what you've been through as it's coming from a place of love and care and having your best interest in mind. Sometimes the body can get addicted to these feelings and we tend to sabotage ourselves by seeking out ways unconsciously to be able to feel those feelings again. You do not control the body, your thoughts do, and if you have not gotten to a place yet where those events haven't been completely gotten over and you have no more trauma, you will be unaware that the body is even doing this because it has gotten so used to it and can cause you dis-ease.

Sometimes others telling their story may potentially make us feel like we're not alone, but it doesn't really do any good but only reenforces the trauma.

 

Edited February 14 by Princess Arabia

[trenton]

@Princess Arabia do you think posting this was a mistake that could actually hurt people?

[Princess Arabia]

18 minutes ago, trenton said:

@Princess Arabia do you think posting this was a mistake that could actually hurt people?

Not a mistake, and it can only hurt you by you keeping it alive. You are reliving the experience again by remembering it and now you will experience others' traumas by just hearing about it. It is not personal to me so It won't affect me as it did you because you were the one experiencing the emotions as the events happened and my brain didn't take snapshot of it as yours did. I can say, though, that by reading your story it did release some chemicals within me and made me briefly think of certain incidences unrelated to yours. But because I don't dwell on them and have not identified with them as being real in the moment because of my Awareness, it's not a big deal to me.

 

You are unaware of the body's response to emotional triggers that's why you might not think twice about doing this but it does affect it negatively somehow if not backed up by a corresponding positive emotion. The body is being constantly traumatized on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis without us being aware of it that's why we tend to react to things the way we do and feel negatively towards them even if it's nothing to be worked up about; but it's the emotions that we felt from what happened that may trigger a completely different scenario that we react to and not the scene itself. 

So we are constantly being in these states, so why contribute to it if we don't have to. Anger, resentment, guilt, shame are all from snapshots we have put meaning to from the past and now a new event that happens to trigger those snapshots puts us in those states and it becomes a cycle.

Edited February 14 by Princess Arabia

[TheCloud]

I believe there are (at least) two modes of thought;  reflective and experimental.  Reflective thought is about reviewing the past, such as looking for clues or understanding errors and faults.  This includes revisiting what actually happened, as well as "what if" scenarios where I try to change the outcome in my imagination.  I could also call this negative thought, not because it's bad, but because it is proscriptive.  It tells me what actions are safe, and what actions to limit or avoid in the future.  It tells me what not to do.

Experimental thought is about future intent.  Dreams, goals, aspirations, predictions.  This kind of thought is prescriptive.  It's how I decide what actions I will pursue or reinforce in the future.  This could also be called positive thought, because though as with any good experiment I don't know what the outcome of these thoughts will be, I do intend for a certain outcome or range of outcomes.  It tells me what I am or am going to do.

I think balance is key between these two modes.  Without reflection, I'm doomed to repeat or exacerbate the errors of my past.  Without experimentation, my life becomes a list of actions to avoid without any direction, and repeating the past over and over in my head without limit, I'm just plain doomed.

The experience you describe with your sister, and your mother's response, is clearly something you find worthy of reflection.  You learned how not to play around like that with your sister.  You also learned how easily influenced you are by fear and your mother's scolding.  Your experimental intent here is, I am guessing, to find other people who have had comparable experiences and engage with them.

When I was around six, I intentionally jabbed my younger sister of around four with the sharp point of a compass for drawing circles, just to see if she would cry.  Predictably, she did.  I didn't get caught and didn't get in trouble.  I also didn't repeat the action, deciding on my own that it was usually better for me when my sister was not crying.

So you're not the only child who disregarded their sibling's human rights.  Nor, I can assure you, are you the only child who has received excessive scolding with resultant trauma, though I can't think of a specific example at this moment.  So you may feel lonely, but you are not necessarily alone.  Is there anything else you want to know about our shared experience?

[Raze]

Try getting mindfulness based ocd training from Shelly Young 

Edited February 23 by Raze

[trenton]

I had a recent breakthrough. Hopefully this is the end of it again.

According to my research, ptsd can lead to social isolation. Isolation is commonly used to avoid triggers such as people getting angry with me which Do was common in my dysfunctional household. This social isolation contributes to depression and suicidal thoughts. As I am trapped in my own thoughts I become tormented by the same patterns again and again. I will try discussing this with my family, but I am afraid to because it requires expressing boundaries.

[TheCloud]

On 2/22/2024 at 11:22 PM, trenton said:

I had a recent breakthrough. Hopefully this is the end of it again.

According to my research, ptsd can lead to social isolation. Isolation is commonly used to avoid triggers such as people getting angry with me which Do was common in my dysfunctional household. This social isolation contributes to depression and suicidal thoughts. As I am trapped in my own thoughts I become tormented by the same patterns again and again. I will try discussing this with my family, but I am afraid to because it requires expressing boundaries.

 

I feel good about that breakthrough, it seems to have potential.  It's not the end;  none of us will ever reach the end, I think.  We could all get along better somehow.

Regarding boundaries, a major thing that needs to be understood is that you must be able to carry through your enforcement when the boundary is crossed.  This is difficult to nearly impossible in a situation where you are materially or socially reliant, because enforcing your boundary may cut those material and social ties.  If you can't enforce a boundary, it is usually better not to set it in the first place, and to focus on your independence.

It's the same principle as your breakthrough.  You can't just directly break through depression and suicidal thoughts when they're reinforced by your environment;  you have to break through your isolation and create an environment where depression is unnecessary.  Just the same, you can't set boundaries in an environment where you are dependent on habitual boundary-violators.  You must become independent of the boundary-violators, to the degree that you can enforce your boundaries.

[Jowblob]

I cant relate to this experience but i can tell you that your mom is low conscious and shouldnt have said the things she said. Kids at that age are like an empty and pure loving mind exploring the material plane, this love and exploration happends very often between kids of the same family. 

[meta_male]

@trenton It's normal at that age, kids to this stuff all the time. I tend to think I can relate to the shame inside you due to your mom's reaction. IFS has been very effective for trauma healing for me.