Hard lessons from a LTR breakup

[Amit]

Since I was young, my way to learn anything was to make mistakes. For some years, I was in a phase of romance in my life, it’s bittersweet symphonies are the most addictive ones. Even though there was a great chemistry between us, it didn’t fit practically so had to let go. Lesson that I learned from it is the most important.

1. Nothing is more important than yourself.

2. Second most important thing is your identity and that is your history, your parents and your culture. 

3. Your purpose of life originates from these above 2 points. 

Now I would never trust anyone blindly and always think practically before investing emotionally. Why make any bonds that has to broken later. 
 

If it hurts once and your partner doesn’t listen… it will hurt next time and it will hurt until there is no relationship so never compromise what you feel bad about. Even if it is just a suspicion. 

[NoSelfSelf]

Almost perfect post,i wouldnt say identity is my parents and my culture tho...

[Amit]

For me personally, I will not engage emotionally with any female if she puts any conditions to be with me.
Even though they might sound fair for her situation, you never know which direction her emotional minds slips away and to keep her, you would have to put a lot of energy into it, which means Relationship will be very tensed and destroyed. Only with a lot of hurt and lessons to be derived from it .

[Amit]

@NoSelfSelf parents and culture are important, it makes up your DNA. Although it depends since your cultural identity might be very different.

[Princess Arabia]

People are afraid to die and people are afraid to live - Neale Donald Walsch.

When we recognize that we are only here for an experience and that people will hurt you regardless of the kind of relationship you have with them in some shape or form; and it is never guaranteed that they will not, you turn within and focus on yourself and make sure you are not neglecting your own self and loving yourself, without the need to have to put up defenses so as not get hurt again, because in doing so you are only setting yourself up to get hurt.

It's not about feeling hurt or not feeling hurt but how you respond to those feelings that will determine how quickly you're able to bounce back. When you expect others to make you happy, that is a sure way to feel hurt by others. Notice I say feel because no one can hurt you if you haven't given them permission to. 

When we can love freely without stipulations and expectations, is when we have become free from the chains and strings that binds us and prevents us from feeling loved.

[Amit]

@Princess Arabia you are so on point about self love and all the philosophy around it. But there is a whole lot of idealism when it comes to not having expectations, normally the relationship starts with expectations to begin with.

[CoolDreamThanks]

15 hours ago, Amit said:

2. Second most important thing is your identity and that is your history, your parents and your culture. 

3. Your purpose of life originates from these above 2 points. 

 

2. This is a false, egoic identity. If you're not spiritually advanced it seems like that's what you are. 

3. This point is false because the second is.  

So you didn't learn anything significant and what you did learn is false. A girl not wanting you to have female friends is natural and you should want the same from her side (guys).  

 I'll share some lessons, or topics to consider, but you will need to mature and get them yourself at some point. 

• What is a real man? What seperates teenagers from men? Most men are only men in age, they don't know what it really means to be a man. Inside, most men are immature boys masquarading as men by being macho, overconfident, etc.. although a lot aren't even covering it up, they are just goofy children in a big body.  I could write a whole book on what it means to be a man and it wouldn't help much. It comes if you have enough wisdom and experience. 
• Truth and honesty. The whole relationship needs to be built on this. Otherwise, you are building your relationship on sand and it will crumle. That's a guarantee. There's also levels to honesty and you can learn to express truth masterfully.
• Maintaining intimacy long-term. This is an art. You have to navigate the relationship in a particular manner to keep the flame of passion burning for years. No matter how sexy you both are to each other at the start, being together for years will extinguish the passion, unless you know what to do to prevent this.  
• Grasping how to truly love someone. This one is only accessible when you become love through spiritual transformation. You also need a lot of wisdom to be a perfect lover. 
• Remaining rooted within the Self is the most attractive inner trait and only a few people in the whole world are capable of this. People feel attracted to it because you radiate the Divine Essence which they long for the most. 
• Maintaining physical beauty is, of course, necessary for a variety of reasons.

Many of these will fly over your head, but whatever. 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Amit You have to understand yourself on deeper level beyond your parents,culture,past experience because that's where the sucess and quality of relationship is,it will always be more about you than the other person.

When other person notices you dont know yourself,you dont have internal value of who you are to yourself, then they will take the lead and be in power position naturally.

There will always be conditiones, relationship is not based on emotions first.But you dont have your own conditions for her to meet that's the problem...

Edited February 12 by NoSelfSelf

[Amit]

25 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Amit You have to understand yourself on deeper level beyond your parents,culture,past experience because that's where the sucess and quality of relationship is,it will always be more about you than the other person.

When other person notices you dont know yourself,you dont have internal value of who you are to yourself, then they will take the lead and be in power position naturally.

There will always be conditiones, relationship is not based on emotions first.But you dont have your own conditions for her to meet that's the problem...

Yes that’s where all my issues begin with, to not have enough maturity in the beginning of the relationship. Identity and culture might not be too important for most people but in my specific case they were crucial. Thanks for pointing it out 🙏

[Amit]

40 minutes ago, CoolDreamThanks said:

Many of these will fly over your head, but whatever. 

@CoolDreamThanks thanks for sharing your perspective, although your idealistic position doesn’t serve much as everything is false ego. Even the new identity you might want to make out of your culture is going to be a new kind of false ego. 

All these points you copy pasted from somewhere was not needed, Theory is easily available everywhere. 
 

finally, try not to get triggered because you don’t know my specific situation. And it’s better to be kind since you don’t know how heartbroken I already am. 

[CoolDreamThanks]

...

[Princess Arabia]

9 hours ago, Amit said:

@Princess Arabia you are so on point about self love and all the philosophy around it. But there is a whole lot of idealism when it comes to not having expectations, normally the relationship starts with expectations to begin with.

Yes, I understand that. I expect my partner to be respectful, I expect my partner to be loving, I expect my partner to be understanding, I also expect to be those things towards him. Have you ever disappointed yourself, have you ever not been a certain way you said you would and not done that, so has your partner. Have you ever expected something out of life that it never gave you. Isn't life filled with disappointments.

Do you go around blaming life, cursing life, feeling heartbroken with life. Maybe, maybe not. Does life owe you an apology, does life expect anything from you. Life will be there regardless of how you feel about it. Regardless of how it has treated you. Life doesn't discriminate, life just is. There for you to make the best if it. Do you sit on your ass and say "life, do me today, make me happy today, make me this today, make me feel that today", no you get up and make it happen for yourself, even though you have felt disappointed by it many times. 

Treat others the same way. Give them the same respect that you give life. Understand that having expectation will get you hurt, make you feel disappointed, make you angry and upset. Not saying don't have them, but just as you're expecting from others you need to also expect expectations to disappoint you. 

After a while, when you start to see through this cycle, when you've felt enough disappointments, when life has thrown you enough curveballs, and you've come to your wits end, it will dawn on you that it is not what happens to you, but how you respond to it, how you perceive life, how spoilt you are thinking that life owes you anything. You owe it to yourself to make sure you don't disappoint yourself by expecting anything from life. Life isn't there to give you anything. Life just is. Learn to accept the disappointing feelings, learn to see that no one owes you anything, learn to see that you are life, learn to see from within not through without, it will free you up from your own mental chains. Invisible chords that you have attached yourself to. 

All these feelings of disappointments are trying to teach you something. They are there for a reason, but you've been blinded by them because of your own selfishness and child-like tantrums. Expecting others to be a certain way for you, and when they are not, you throw a fit. You see how you have set yourself up. You don't see this because you're too busy chasing pleasure and avoiding pain. Pleasure leads to pain and vice versa.

When you have had enough, you don't become bitter or cold, you learn to accept, Acceptance doesn't mean agreeing. It means to surrender. Surrendering doesn't mean to give up, it means to give in. To allow. To get over yourself. To accept that things are the way they are. Even your feelings of disappointment. They just are. Accept them and move on. Keep on moving on and try to see that life is just unfolding as it is. You are not in control, because if you were, these feelings wouldn't have control over you. If you were in control you could make yourself happy and content every day of your life. You could, but it takes for you to drop the self and to be able to see that life is just what it is. Not saying to not see yourself as an individual and to not acknowledge the Self, but to see that the self is how life unfolds, how it's able to have experiences, how it's able to become this and become that, because if it weren't for you it would remain no-thing. It couldn't be all these things that it has become. Let it. Allow it. When you do that, magic happens, it starts to unfold in ways you couldn't dream of. Not talking about financial gain and material things because you only want those things because of the way they make you feel. You will start to generate those feelings despite those things, despite how others treat you. Then you'll start to feel as if you don't need those things, and then you'll start to give more, give more because you don't feel like you're lacking, you won't feel disappointments and shame and guilt, you'll start to give to others what you've generated for yourself and when you do that you will in turn start to receive those things back because giving is receiving. You see, this is the cycle you want to maintain, not the cycle of crying and bitching and moaning about life and how others have done you wrong and how disappointed you are, but to connect with that part of you that doesn't complain and bitch and moan. Acknowledge that. Pay that some attention. Say hi to it. Feel it, because when you do, it will acknowledge you back and attend to your needs and desires more than any other can and how it does this is by using others. 

That is how you surrender, that is how life works for you, pay no mind to it's contents, pay no mind to what you don't have, start to pay your SELF mind because the SELF wilk pay you back. Afterall, it is what you're searching for. It's right here right now. Always, waiting for you to acknowledge it, until then, you'll be searching until kingdom come for Mr. Nobody.

Sorry for the endless ranting, but that was my automatic writing self. The part of you that wanted me to tell you this. That's coming from you to you. This is how it works, i've learnt those things so I can pass it on to the other part of me. I've been through what I've been through so I can become wiser and to help others through this. You are also there to help me see through this as I can see myself through you. I don't know how I do this because it just happens.

 

Edited February 12 by Princess Arabia

[Amit]

@Princess Arabia thanks for writing it all that you had to say on this. But for some feedback it would have been better if you have only made your point briefly for people to actually take your wisdom. Honestly It feels like you are listening to some YouTube guru and you have regurgitated all that you have listened. Anyway I appreciate the effort and time, also a lot of wisdom in this, but it will take time for me to fully make sense of this long writing.

Edited February 12 by Amit

[Princess Arabia]

20 minutes ago, Amit said:

@Princess Arabia thanks for writing it all that you had to say on this. But for some feedback it would have been better if you have only made your point briefly for people to actually take your wisdom. Honestly It feels like you are listening to some YouTube guru and you have regurgitated all that you have listened. Anyway I appreciate the effort and time, also a lot of wisdom in this, but it will take time for me to fully make sense of this long writing.

Its ok. You don't have to receive the message. Even if it was something i learnt from a guru, if it didn't come from within me, I wouldn't have been able to articulate it the way i did and spit it out in a flowing manner. You are even complaining about how long it is and telling me how I should have wrote it to suit you, You're not seeing how you're trying to control the uncontrollable. How we do one thing is how we do everything precisely because were operating from patterns. You have a pattern and it extends throughout your entire life, whether you realize it or not. 

You say it sounds like it came from a guru. You're the guru. You see, you're blinded, blinded by your own conditioning. We are our own gurus and you just told me it sounded like its coming from you, It takes a different state of Awareness to be able to spot these things and to be open to life and the many ways it tries to communicate to us. Because I'm regular girl on a forum you dismiss the message and attached it to a guru, when that guru is you. When you start to see the interconnectedness of Reality, you will start to see the unseeable and start to perceive things differently; until then, you will be stuck within your own constraints and are only able to see what's in front of you. If my response to you didn't resonate, you wouldn't have said it sounded like it came from a guru. You just didn't authorized me to tell you what I told you, you authorized it to come through a guru, or you won't accept it. That's the game we play.

Thanks for reading my loooonnnggg response and I wish you the best.

Edited February 12 by Princess Arabia

[Amit]

It’s not that I dismissed it, I said I will read it. My only complaint that it was too long because it was very general sort of advice. Ofc I don’t care guru or not, and definitely it was easier to read as it was simple. Thanks for sharing… 💜 

[Princess Arabia]

51 minutes ago, Amit said:

It’s not that I dismissed it, I said I will read it. My only complaint that it was too long because it was very general sort of advice. Ofc I don’t care guru or not, and definitely it was easier to read as it was simple. Thanks for sharing… 💜 

You're welcome. You deleted your message I guess.

[Amit]

@Princess Arabia no I didn’t