Am I allowed to give up?

[BojackHorseman]

I'm trying so hard to cling to my idea of making something with my life, but at the same time I also feel like I'm out of gas and too old for that. It's kind of like, I'm not giving up because I hear all those great motivational teachers and work of art, but what if I was wrong, what if the world was, and if not everyone would actually feel better by trying to achieve some kind of success?

What happens if I become a lazy fuck and just consume what I like?

Would you think that's missing the point on life?

Being a shame to god (not in the religious sense)?

Will I die with eternal regrets?

I'm so lost, so tired, I'm fighting but it's always one step up and ten steps down in my head. That's just facts, I'm trying but it doesn't work.

I'm so desperate, that at times, I'm almost willing to give up the critical thinking and open mind that's so dear to me, and put my life into some sort of religion or asking for help to whoever pretends he's got some kind of occult powers.

I know this sounds ridiculous. Believe me that's usually not me. But man...I'm getting old and it's getting harder everyday.

[Thought Art]

How old are you?

[Thought Art]

What sorts of things are you doing to build your life, or pursue your purpose? 

[Sincerity]

Hope You don't mind me asking, but how old are You?

I'm sorry You are feeling this way. 😕 I understand You feel hopeless and lost. And yeah, it is really difficult sometimes.

You are never a shame to God. The Universe is not judging You.

Perhaps try to cut yourself some slack? Try relaxing and enjoying yourself more, at least for some time? I know it is easy to say but You can decide to relax a little and give up the clinging and fighting. With a narrowed down perspective everything may seem hopeless and unchangeable, it takes a bit of letting go to broaden the perspective and see some rays of hope and ways out of the situation.

Your post doesn't sound ridiculous at all. Feelings like this appear and it's okay. You're going to be fine, don't worry! Everything is going to turn out good.

[BojackHorseman]

12 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

How old are you?

43

 

12 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

What sorts of things are you doing to build your life, or pursue your purpose? 

I've never went too far really, but I'm passionate about movies and music, and I dabble in both.

[Chrisd]

I would question your definition of success. 
I consume what I like, why would that not make me succesful?

Don't give up your critical thinking and open mind

You don't sound ridiculous I'm guessing you know this

43 is pretty young imho

[Thought Art]

@BojackHorseman How are your habits? Would you want to tell us more about how you spend a typical week? 

[BojackHorseman]

3 minutes ago, Sincerity said:

Hope You don't mind me asking, but how old are You?

I'm sorry You are feeling this way. 😕 I understand You feel hopeless and lost. And yeah, it is really difficult sometimes.

You are never a shame to God. The Universe is not judging You.

Perhaps try to cut yourself some slack? Try relaxing and enjoying yourself more, at least for some time? I know it is easy to say but You can decide to relax a little and give up the clinging and fighting. With a narrowed down perspective everything may seem hopeless and unchangeable, it takes a bit of letting go to broaden the perspective and see some rays of hope and ways out of the situation.

Your post doesn't sound ridiculous at all. Feelings like this appear and it's okay. You're going to be fine, don't worry! Everything is going to turn out good.

After relentlessy working on only making music for 2 years, I burned out and I've actually already let for...I don't know how long, maybe 1 year. Just doing whatever. Playing games, reading, watching movies, catching back all the time I had being frustrated when i only worked on music but missed out on what inspired me in the first place.

But, I feel like I cannot just rest anymore, I've been to lazy all my life and I feel like I missed out on alternate lives where I could have been someone, and now's the last time to accomplish even some small kind of success
But on the other hand I also kind of feel like I'm forcing myself? Not sure which one it is. Either I AM forcing myself just cause everyone says you gotta be great, or I am lazy and crippled with depression sucking my energy and will half the time (which, on one hand, wouldn't make me fit for actually getting shit done)

[BojackHorseman]

5 minutes ago, Chrisd said:

I would question your definition of success. 
I consume what I like, why would that not make me succesful?

It is for certain persons I think, they're just fine with consuming, having kids and whatnot (god bless them, they're lucky the path is so clear)

But I seem to never be happy and let shit go. And that's why I'm questionning myself now. Where did that lead me? 40 years of wasted time and nothing of value to show for it. So, on one hand, one could ask, why keep on going? Why waste energy in such hard paths when I could try and let go and be a derper?

Sorry if this is unclear, I'm lost...

[BojackHorseman]

6 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

@BojackHorseman How are your habits? Would you want to tell us more about how you spend a typical week? 

I work half time (with a decent salary so i let go the other half so I could get more time for myself)
When at home, I'm lazying with my wife when she's back from work, and then (I work nights only) I either go to work or get in my studio.

In both cases, i usually "waste" a bit of time browsing, watching videos, or playing a bit of games.

Half the time I either research or do music or video things. But I'm just doing the equivalent of sribbling. I did actually sell a few super cheap music on Fiverr at some point, it made me so happy to realise that even a loser like me could make something that people cared enough about to integrate it into their project, but I also noticed the client thing was kind of maybe not for me? It had some kind of satisfying aspects, but also stress and dissatisfaction of working on "small stuff".

Now my next goal would be to make an album that's more personal, but being adhd, I just can't get my shit together and all I do is just random improvisations that I never finish. I've got hundreds of them. Also I'm not an actual musician. I do everything by hear/feeling, I don't know any theory.

As for video, this is harder to work on since it's team work, but I've recently reconnected with some friends that are doing this more than me, and launched a short movie project that we're gotta shoot in a month or so. I feel like I'm doing this just to honor my past self and the time we spent doing stupid fun movies and series when we were younger. I just want to see, one last time, if I'm cut for this or not.

If not, I will try to work on music making an actual finished product I care about.

If this one ends up feeling forced too, I'll then get back into drawing.

And after that well...guess I'll just give up

(sorry, this ended up in a disjointed rant and the more I'm writing, the more I feel like I'm going in circles and there's not way anyone can help me. I think the actual question is something like : is what I used to believe I was made for still me? Or am I just succumbing to the sunk cost fallacy?)

[Chrisd]

[BojackHorseman]

[Thought Art]

@BojackHorseman Hey, I will respond tomorrow. I've read what you wrote and I am thinking about it.

[Thought Art]

@BojackHorseman I think you wrote some pretty useful observations of how you spend your time. I think it's up to you. Do you enjoy the way you are living right now? If not, what is one small change you could make to start feeling better?

I can relate to the fear or shame around life purpose and creating. But, I wouldn't hide from it any longer. It's time to lean in and really look at this. Many of the problems like distractions etc, can be worked on. I also had ADHD, and it is a struggle sometimes but, I know people with ADHD can focus as well. A coach could help you here. Having someone you report to each month or to help keep you accountable, and to get coaching could be really useful.

You don't need to learn much theory to make music. However, you should check out Holistic Song Writing and consider watching their videos, taking advantage of their free content or investing in the courses. You don't need to learn a lot of theory, and he can teach you the basic processes and structure of song writing so you can stop doodling and work on your dream album.

Edited January 31 by Thought Art

[Ulax]

imo, work on changing your unconscious patterns, ie via deep meditation, ifs therapy, acupuncture, massage. myb in conjunction with antidepressant.

imo, prioritize identity level change and right action willl flow rom there. Be-Do-have rather than Do-Have-Be

Edited January 31 by Ulax

[Thought Art]

Could work through the book The Artists Way 

[BlueOak]

Maybe you are not supposed to be doing it all yourself and you never were. I wish I could have been with people when I made music. I could never line the beat up with the melody, despite all my ability at writing melodies and improvisation skills. I had a lot of piano experience in my youth. Maybe engaging other people who are also enthusiastic will help you fill in the blanks, like your friends on that project, I think it would have helped me. Make sure they are going to be in alignment with you though, and strengthen your weaknesses, (avoiding drugs which was my very talented brother's pitfall) that sort of thing.

Nothing much better in life than a group of people who all want to be doing something, and all want to be there.

Edited January 31 by BlueOak

[Schizophonia]

What problem do you have exactly? You invent an imaginary problem.

[Yimpa]

10 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

What problem do you have exactly? You invent an imaginary problem.

The solution is also imaginary 

Using your mind creatively sure beats being a slave to your mind.

[Schizophonia]

2 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

The solution is also imaginary 

Using your mind creatively sure beats being a slave to your mind.

It's immediately simpler when you decide your problems. 

Let's pretend we have a compass that leads to something fundamentally meaningful.