I can't help but hate myself

[trenton]

https://www.chessable.com/discussion/thread/781720/harsh-reality-of-being-a-professional-chessplayer/784387/#:~:text=The harsh reality is that,enjoying the competitive chess scene.

Someone else has the same problem.

[trenton]

Here is a relevant thread

 

[trenton]

I feel like a victim because it looks like doing what I love was never truly an option. My entire identity crisis started when I didn't have the option of pursuing what I loved in college.

Whatever career path I choose I am constantly disappointed. This adds to my feeling of being trapped with no way to live a happy life.

Sometimes this spirals into suicidal thoughts. I don't know what to do about this.

[Applegarden8]

Two things helped me to the point nothing else has came close.

1) Death oriented life. Meaning that you contemplate death every day by reminding yourself that your clocks are running out no matter what you do. You will inevitably die alone and there is nothing you can take to the grave with you. Lack of self-importance really helped me. Or alternatively re-live your fears until you feel peaceful (there is an elaborate techniques of how which i can tell you personally).

2) Due to spirituality, i feel and understand that there is a possibility, if you REALLY want to life a purposeful life, fulfill that ONE desire, you have as many births as you need to take to fulfill that. Just see that you have infinite amount of time actually and harness, visualize that desire daily. It will relax you and actually motivate you to live no matter the obstacles. Rather interact with the completing feeling of raw energy of desire than projection of the mind. That helped to live more intuitively.

Both are related to each other.

Don't kill yourself, again you will spawn here with suicidal toughts.

[meta_male]

17 minutes ago, Applegarden8 said:

Rather interact with the completing feeling of raw energy of desire than projection of the mind. That helped to live more intuitively.

This ^

[trenton]

I want to know about someone who has been through a similar struggle to me and found a career they were happy about anyway.

Part of the reason I struggle is because nothing gives me the same drive as a competitive tournament. I love the state of flow that comes with nothing else in the universe concerning me.

[trenton]

Good news.

I did some self reflection and I may have had a breakthrough. I will discuss this in a separate thread.

Thanks to everyone for trying to help me through this frustration and confusion. It drives me insane when I feel like my life is slowly being wasted in misery while I feel powerless to change it.

[trenton]

It looks like the problem is just low self esteem in general. Many of my emotional problems stem from me hating myself in general. I constantly found new reasons to hate myself.

One of my previous threads was called "I hate myself for wanting vagina." Another thread was about how I would rather die than become like my father. Another thread became about a traumatic event from when I was six. Other threads are about me struggling to find purpose in life which also damages self esteem.

I have been struggling to love myself my entire life, but nothing seemed to be working. The most recent progress I have been making has to do with letting go of judgements internalized from other people. This includes my mother's judgement when she reacted as if I were sexually abusive and the it applies to when I was bullied for being the smart kid in school. Letting go of these judgements seem to bring me peace.

Self love is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I find ways to temporarily stop my hatred, but it often came back. Part of the problem is that OCD is a shame trap. It leads to a lot of backsliding. My mind constantly finds new reasons to hate myself whether it is my failure to become a professional chess player or to decide on a new career path.

When ever I bring myself to peace, there is often an ego backlash in which my mind finds a new reason to hate myself. Sometimes I hate myself so badly I want to die. This was a recurring problem when I was an inpatient. I was unable to accept that I was good.

Hopefully, this is the last time it happens. I'm not sure how it will happen again if it does or how I will handle it.

[Yimpa]

I had a panic attack last night. Instead of rejecting it, I embrace it. You can get to this point with patience and commitment to accepting yourself.

[Chrisd]

Coaching isn't a magical cure. I'm sorry you have a hard time with your condition, 

[Chrisd]

On 29-1-2024 at 7:52 PM, Yimpa said:

I had a panic attack last night. Instead of rejecting it, I embrace it. You can get to this point with patience and commitment to accepting yourself.

do you meditate on it or do you try to express it physically, not to derail the thread but if you want we can PM I also have experience here

[Yimpa]

1 hour ago, Chrisd said:

do you meditate on it or do you try to express it physically

Well, the expression happens on its own so that’s where embracing it comes in. I do a short breathing meditation when it gets too overwhelming.

[PenguinPablo]

Relax man

I know this won't fix your situation, but I suggest taking the pressure off for a couple of weeks.

Take some time to decompress and do other s***

You can always come back and reassess your relationship to chess and what it means for your future

But I'll just chill focus on other s***, Friends, Life, maybe a trip somewhere

Just chill

I like to play chess too but I am nowhere Damn near as good as you are

 

[funkychunkymonkey]

@trenton i used to wanna be a boxer, when that crumbled i was depressed and suicidal cuz i couldent accept things for how they are if i cant control them. im still depressed as fuck not much hope anymore everyday is a blessing at this point but some strange reason i fell in love with being depressed. AVOID THIS try new things, meet people, just randomly go out and do stuff. if you stick with depression for too long or too deep and your depression turns into a crutch, suicide gets drilled in your head, then its VERY DANGEROUS! this isnt really advice just my input i guess im nobody to be giving advice read this at ur own risk 

[Paradoxed]

You should play chess to be happy. It's what you like doing. You can even do it all the time, compete, and keep it as your identity. In this sense it is your purpose. Not everyone's purpose makes them a bunch of money.

Why haven't you been able to turn chess into a career? Why do you need a career in chess? If you can make enough money at a job to fund your chess endeavors, why isn't that good enough?

Don't ruin the thing you love by overemphasizing it as a career. I'm sure there is a job out there you can enjoy, something else, that allows for an awesome life of passion.

I make music and release music but ultimately do it for myself and I don't care about being a famous or successful musician or doing it as a career. That actually sounds awful. I don't want to take what I'm passionate about and turn it into a rat race for money. I don't want my passion to be exploited.

Play chess because it makes you happy, not to fuel your ego.

[funkychunkymonkey]

@Paradoxed i personally dont enjoy chess, it stresses me out

[Paradoxed]

9 minutes ago, funkychunkymonkey said:

@Paradoxed i personally dont enjoy chess, it stresses me out

Fair. I was directing my comment at OP

[Wilhelm44]

@trenton  I went through something similar, but in childhood. I was a brilliant tennis player up until the age of 12. My dream was to win Wimbledon and I planned and lived accordingly. When I was 12 I had a bicycle accident where I fell on my face, with bad concussion and few hours of memory loss. Soon after my tennis abilities went downhill as did my confidence levels. It was a huge identity loss for me. Years later when I started the spiritual path, my focus was still on recapturing the magic of my tennis days. Ultimately I realized that all the magical frequencies of my youth are still present now just in different forms. Nothing was lost. In fact I was probably saved from becoming a sport star with a big ego and potentially a loveless marriage. 

You'll be surprised at how magically life can fall into place, when you let go of the belief that only certain things can bring joy.  

[trenton]

Update: I talked with my life coach and he had some important insights. We discussed some childhood trauma and drew some connections.

The reason I put so much pressure on myself to form a career I am proud of is because I am trying to re-establish my sense of self worth. He pointed out that I shut down emotionally a long time ago and my sister is now frustrated because she wants to love me but I do not connect with any of it. I have been emotionally disconnected from love for my entire life due to a chaotic upbringing and trauma. To regain my sense of self worth I felt that I needed to sacrifice love, relationships, and pleasure.

It was a good session. I have been losing sleep at night because I place a lot of pressure on myself to achieve something great. I otherwise feel valueless without proof of self worth.

This may include the pressure on myself to get really good at chess so I can prove something to myself by gaining the title grandmaster. He suggested that many of my statements from the exercises he gave me were coming from a place of putting pressure on myself. In order to have more positive motivation, I need to let go of this pressure by understanding that I already am worthy.