Trying to Contextualize Reality

[Keryo Koffa]

Today I pretended to be blind and navigated my surroundings. I was trying to explain sight but I was biased with afterimages. I realized I had to understand the other senses first, I realized how little I know them. I was mostly using touch, it's an intensity, I can also distinguish hot and cold, something that feels like texture, sound etc. that all come together to contextualize and remember a specific experience.

I had a tremendous 300ug LSD trip two days ago, for brief periods in the forest when humming at different frequencies, tree branches aligned themselves into a sort of uniform fractal space, the branches themselves looked like weird loops and were forming an endlessly repeating structure. For brief moments of intensified humming I could make out what looked like DMT like entities, but it took immense focus and I lost the images with my breath. I needed to refocus every time and eventually gave up. When hyperfocused ahead, I saw huge skylines in my periphery vision but the disappeared as soon as I wanted to look at them directly.

Today I was staring holes into the ceiling trying to reinterpret patterns into entities and new geometries but it didn't work. I was doing half an hour of guided breathwork but that only sharpened my senses. And now after depriving myself of sight, the alienness of experience leads me to inquiry. What am I? What is this? What are senses? How would one create senses? How do I describe senses with other senses? How do I reconcile seeing myself from an outsiders perspective while myself being immersed only in non-visual senses.

I'm prior to existence but I become me through existence. It's like I evolved the universe including myself into existence by sheer force of will. What I will, I can choose to manifest within the confines that I am myself inside of, but the purest energy of that which I desire comes from outside the universe or inside of myself, it already exists in its purest form prior to attempts at manifestation and sense making. It's a life force that generates and wraps itself in material but it's not the material, it's a gestalt, it comes prior, it uses material but it's not material, it's mental.

If a tree falls in a forest, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? The tree doesn't exist without someone to perceive it but once there is someone, it can exist outside their view. My "DNA" exists prior to me, all that it is and can express exists independently of whether it materialized a being that can then retroactively make sense of it. Senses come and go, they're interfacing with a reality. Dreams and imagination seem like an emergent property, a higher holistic overlay on top of actual reality but they also come prior and are reality itself. Desire wills itself into existence. It takes different forms. Concepts only exist within their own domain but they reference something within another. God is a concept but also a context, a way to see reality. But there is no difference between god and ego, ego is just a form within god, everything is. Ego is a barrier, a dam, a river and god is the entire ocean. Ego filters experience. God is all possible experience unfiltered simultaneously forever. If I eat something, I will taste that until it goes away. If I listen, I will hear sound appear and disappear. If I focus at the ceiling long enough, it will fade. If I touch something, I'll feel an intensity, but its contrast so it will fade. The body feels like a mental interface materializing itself into existence with specific self-evolving learning capacities through "physical" structures. Reality isn't real but it does exists. There seems to be consistency but it's all only ever within experience, and yet experience can be expanded and changed, only because there is more outside of it that one is unaware of because of filtering it. But it all has a structure that comes prior that knowing itself. Evolution evolves hands and sight long before entities retroactively identify them as such and try to grasp their structure and capacities. There is a greater infinite unfiltered mental reality which from an ego's perspective flows into it through random seeming feelings, drives and desires. Within a system, the ego learns to navigate and understand it, to project feelings and desires onto it, but they are prior. "Reality" is prior to senses. Senses link to the brain to feed it consistent stimuli but the brain interprets and imagines the stimuli as images, sounds, sensations. It already has that capacity, consciousness comes prior to memory. The brain is an interpretation of physical seeming matter but the gestalt that materializes itself through all of that comes prior regardless of its own self-awareness. Trees are a gestalt, people are a gestalt, cars are a gestalt. You could view it materialistically as just matter and its correct but it would miss the conscious will that materializes and identifies these forms. Objects exist as objects, matter exists as matter, we can interpret matter into objects and objects into matter but objects are gestalts and matter is a resource.

So trees aren't real, the sky isn't real, I am not real, but with unfiltered perception its all just noise, infinite random noise. Because filtering itself is what forms form inside of noise. Creates a structure to filter noise or emerges of the noise depending on the perspective, it's all simultaneous. So reality is real, as real as it is unreal, but senses and feelings reinforce themselves, survival drive reinforces senses, reinforces body homeostasis, reinforces ego. Ego is a means of making god self-aware and holistic, because otherwise god is just a black box. Or is god already self-aware? Ego spawns perspectives and interpretations, do these already exist within god? Else ego would be an evolution of god that then merges at death into itself to become more whole than before adding all its unique perspectives and senses into the mix. Anything that isn't present is imaginary, but the present itself is imaginary.