Spilling my guts out again

[Sugarcoat]

I wrote a post in December titled “I am in literal hell” about how I am being forced to build a sense of self through physical exercise from a place of near total dissolution. 

I wanna write about it again more clearly, although it makes no difference to my situation, so I’ll do it here to not risk being “spammy”. 

Nobody yet anywhere I’ve written about it has understood what I was talking about. Which is understandable since I believe nobody in this planets history has gone through this. But it is very real and it is still going on. 

It’s a bit complicated the mechanisms of how it works but at the core it’s about how physical exercise builds the brain so it builds the physical self. The harder the exercise - the more is built. 

So it is possible to build a strong and stable sense of self from near total dissolution, but the intensity of exercise needed for that is literal torture. 

Nobody would want to do that including me, but the universe gave me this, what now feels like the greatest curse in existence : a 100% self centered brain. 

This quality reflects itself in everything about me. Pretty much everything I do is some form of self-concentration or trying to connect to myself. So even writing this is this intense “self-concentration”, sensing myself through the writing. 

This quality of my brain is the reason I dissolved so rapidly naturally until near total dissolution in November, because the attention is constantly on the I. That was all fine, not too bad.

Now that same quality of my brain is the reason I’m being forced to exercise to build a sense of self back up again.

My workouts have gotten really intense, and it is still the tip of the iceberg of what I’m about to endure. It is impossible for me to not workout harder sooner or later. Im somehow supposed to go through torture and come out on the other side as this stable connected self.

What happens is that after a workout my sense of self is slightly stronger and stays stable and “connected” for maybe a day or two, but then it starts to weaken and I loose that connection to myself and reality, nothing makes sense to me and my brain forces me to build myself back up again. I could go in more detail about the processes but nonetheless it is only horrible.

In my wildest imagination I couldn’t have imagined it is possible for the universe to construct a human brain in such a way that first they dissolve rapidly only to be forced to build themselves up through exercise that must eventually get absolutely torturous. 

But it is real and I am living it. My sense of self in this moment is stronger than last time I wrote about this as a consequence of the exercising. My entire existence is the byproduct of my own suffering that is only gonna get worse.

I cannot even describe in words how miserable I am. 

My life has turned into a horror movie that has only begun. My mind cannot possibly grasp that I’m going through this. My entire existence is me waiting for the next time I’m being forced to exercise which always has to be harder than the last one. Every morning I wake up with the grossest pit in my stomach as I wake up to my existence. 

I cannot cope with this

Edited January 16 by Sugarcoat

[Salvijus]

What you do is the result of your desire. Desire is what drives all actions. Nothing happens in life without desire. There is a place in you that desires to be free from this internal conflict. If you put all your attention on that desire. Your mind, body, emotions and energy will all align itself perfectly to fulfill that state of conflict free existence. And that way it will stop all the compulsive chaos in you. 

It is my heartful suggestion you consider giving full attention to the prayerful desire that is in you already to be free and witness how that impacts your entire system from the very fundamentals and brings about great transformation and healing on all levels. 

Edited January 16 by Salvijus

[Yimpa]

Thank you for being vulnerable again. 

[Sugarcoat]

59 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

What you do is the result of your desire. Desire is what drives all actions. Nothing happens in life without desire. There is a place in you that desires to be free from this internal conflict. If you put all your attention on that desire. Your mind, body, emotions and energy will all align itself perfectly to fulfill that state of conflict free existence. And that way it will stop all the compulsive chaos in you. 

It is my heartful suggestion you consider giving full attention to the prayerful desire that is in you already to be free and witness how that impacts your entire system from the very fundamentals and brings about great transformation and healing on all levels. 

you have a point there in how this desire thing works I’ve came to similar realizations 
 

The most twisted thing something in me realized is that what I’m going through is precisely the movement towards the fulfillment of my greatest desire

Throughout my entire life I have never desired anything but ideal self . All my attention as you said has always been on this desire .

this desire is a reflection of this self centered way my brain functions.

Throughout my dissolution process, which was extremely rapid, and which my brain drove, not me, which in turn drove my actions - looking back at it now,  I can see that I  was helplessly along for the ride  -

The goal of this process was to dissolve the negative identifications and to connect to and become to a desirable one - the ideal self 

this was impossible - because this ideal self was a mental construct - so it dissolved instead when I had my spiritual awakening

the dissolution process continued until near total self centeredness in November- but the process/ I still had the same goal -  to find and become this ideal self - that desire never died it just transforms somehow 

but there wasn’t barely any self left - so this movement towards the fulfillment of that desire instead transformed into this forced exercise thing - because it builds the self. That is precisely the ideal self I have been trying to reach all my life. But it is nothing one would ever want go though

i dont know if that made any sense

but in short, I function uniquely in this way where everything in me is constantly trying to move towards this ultimate connection in the self, which in turn has always been my greatest desire where all my attention is at, its a constant thing, and this movement turned into this nightmare.

this tiny little self cannot fight against the movement of the entirety of my being, because i am entangled with it in the most fundamental way
 

I can sense your sincerity, but I cannot explain this any better.
 

Nothing in me wants to go through this, but what kind of happens is that this very self that doesn’t want to looses its connection, so it ends up happening again to build the very self back up. 

It’s hard to write this without sounding insane.
 

But my entire life I’ve not really had this sort of stable self that is able to drive and make things change and stuff, there has always been something in me that has been way more powerful and drove this dissolution and now is driving this thing. 
 

I don’t have an existence like most, trust me; nothing in me wants this so it’s not being close minded here  

 

it’s so hard to explain. But I’ve never really been a person the way other people are people kind of. Like even when I’m writing this it’s like it’s not me writing it’s something in me that has this connection to me and understands things. Like there is disconnection in my sense of self which then reflects itself in these choiceless actions,  it sounds freaky but it’s just that I function in a totally different ways than most humans. And now it is my greatest curse. 

Edited January 16 by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Salvijus said:

What you do is the result of your desire. Desire is what drives all actions. Nothing happens in life without desire. There is a place in you that desires to be free from this internal conflict. If you put all your attention on that desire. Your mind, body, emotions and energy will all align itself perfectly to fulfill that state of conflict free existence. And that way it will stop all the compulsive chaos in you. 

It is my heartful suggestion you consider giving full attention to the prayerful desire that is in you already to be free and witness how that impacts your entire system from the very fundamentals and brings about great transformation and healing on all levels. 

I totaly relate on an other context (insomnia).

[Sugarcoat]

1 hour ago, Yimpa said:

Thank you for being vulnerable again. 

< 3

[Salvijus]

@Sugarcoat

11 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

I can sense your sincerity, but I cannot explain this any better.

Sorry for yelling at you previously in another thread (lol). But please take it to heart the when I say no action is automatic or out of your control. All actions are run on desire. And you're 100% responsible for what desires you chose to give importance to and follow upon. 

But listen carefully, there is one desire in particular inside you that is the strongest desire of all. The desire to become free from internal conflict. The desire for love, healing, truth and peace. This desire is god's given desire to you that will pump in your veins ceaselessly until that becomes your only reality. 

Once you consciously surrender to that desire fully. When that desire becomes the only motivating factor in your life. That desire will organize your body, mind and spirit to function for one purpose and one purpose only. There will no longer be any random chaos activity of the ego. To deny this is to cling to suffering. I'm wishing you reflect on it sincerely and make wise conclusions. 

 

.... 

@Schizophonia 🙏

Edited January 17 by Salvijus