Suicidal Thoughts Because Of Ocd. Help Needed :-(

[The_spanish_guy]

 

On 10/4/2017 at 7:57 AM, Bob84 said:

@The_spanish_guy malaga here .

You can, i was like that to. Do note that thats on you list aswell .

At home i speak a mix of 5 languages. But im limiting myself to 2 here .

Watch leos video about "dont care what other people think". Realisticly you can stop being a introvert in just one week. All it takes is stopping self sabotage.

Great! We are almost neighbours :-) Yep, my life has always been ruled by selfsabotage. It's mandatory for my to pay attention very closely to what's going on there. My therapist says that it has to do with my fear of failure. 

On 10/4/2017 at 6:11 PM, WaveInTheOcean said:

"I'm actually not that addicted to porn. I spend 2, maybe 3 hours everyday masturbating"

3 hours out of 16 waking hours wanking = sure an addiction to me. 

just think about if you meditated those 3 hours instead and what results you would get in your life from that. (AWARENESS)

You are right man, nowadays porn and wanking (never heard of this word xD) constitutes a big part of my life. It has always been very helpful when I,ve felt completely lost. If things goes "right" I don't masturbate more than once a day, or even zero.

On 10/4/2017 at 6:14 PM, WaveInTheOcean said:

"internet means safety, the real world pain and caos..."

it's all the real world. and pain and chaos, well, only if you allow it to happen:> Each time you feel pain, it's because you allowed someone/something to be able to inflict pain on you. simply don't allow it, give a fuck what others think of you, because why actually give a fuck? have your own values and principles in life and go by them, not by others.

It sounds easy, but it will be difficult to put it into practice. According to my principles sure I've lost direction, man...

On 10/4/2017 at 6:40 PM, WaveInTheOcean said:

"That's why meditating is so difficult for me. I just can't turn off/let go all these stimulation that surrounds me all the time..."*

and that's why it's absoutely nessecary that you do the fucking meditation dude.

do concentration meditation where you focus on your breath. Sit down set timer 10 mins on your phone with flight mode, still yourself, straight back, close your eyes, briefly use a few seconds to feel your body (feet, butt, hands, etc). Then start focusing on your breath for the remainder of the meditation. Just keep yourself focused on your breath. Each time you forget to be aware of your breath (because of a thought) just let the thought go and instantly focus on your breath again. Even if it seems impossible to let the thought go away (cos youre SO attached to it), just force yourself to at least focus on your breath again, concentrate on that breath, be aware of the air getting through your nose, gently filling your stomach/lungs, and be fully aware of that air getting out of your system again. Continue forcing yourself to be completely (as much as you can) aware of your breath for all the 10 minutes. I know it's painful. But show the OCD-monkey-mind who's the boss here. When your phone rings after 10 min, continue with your life. Do this 10min breathing meditation every single day for a week. then increase to 15 mins. and then from there increase by 5 mins every week until you reach 30 min. Then stay on 30 min for the rest of your life or if you begin to actually enjoy it, go up to an hour, who knows:)

You won't enjoy meditating in the beginning. you will hate it. That's the fucking point. If you enjoyed it, whats the point of doing it?!

you can listen to some binaural beats with headphones while you focus on your breath if you like. holosync or just some youtube stuff. if that makes it slightly easier, maybe it does. will still be pain in the ass though, trust me:)

And when you noticed that you've been addicted to a thought-stream for many seconds, don't judge yourself, just carelessly notice that you were gone and focus on your breath again. It's not a competition. It's a practice that only takes discipline and time to do, nothing else. EVERYONE can do it. YES it's hard. fucking do it. And it takes LOTS of time and consistency before you will notice any benefits in your everyday life. It's about rewiring the brain (from being 100% monkey-OCD to become more and more still/under "your control" to less and less, 99,9%, 99,8%, etc it takes months to even get to "90%". But when you do, those 10% less monkey-ocd-mind will be noticably doing your everyday life. ) rewiring the brain is a slow process, so don't expect results fast. Slowly you will become more aware though, slowly.

Don't you think that forcing the mind to obey your desire is more ego fighting and in the long run it will produce an unwanted result (more monkey mind)

9 hours ago, Ry4n said:

@The_spanish_guy I'm glad to hear you're meditating now. A quick warning about meditation for someone with OCD: Make sure you are not using meditation as another way to not feel things you consider painful, if you approach meditation that way it is no different than trying to use alcohol to get rid of painful emotions (another ritual essentially). Meditation is a way to accept the stuff in your head and live a meaningful life.

I will remind your advice. My default mental behaviour is very likely to play this kind of tricks and try to change the focus in order to not facing suffering, fear, etc.

Edited April 11, 2017 by The_spanish_guy
Grammatical mistake

[jse]

 

[WaveInTheOcean]

"Don't you think that forcing the mind to obey your desire is more ego fighting and in the long run it will produce an unwanted result (more monkey mind)"

Well, the mind/ego = desiring being addicted to thoughts because they are oh-so-important (cos you think they define the essence of you).

Enforcing your awareness on the most natural thing in this world: breathing, is in itself something the mind also desire. However it prioritize thoughts higher, so that it's not that focusing on breath in itself is not-desire (it is a desire), it's about focusing on breath INSTEAD of thoughts that's : NOT a desire (=pain) for the mind FOR SURE. But yet you have the ability to do it anyway.  It's paradoxical , because 'forcing the mind to obey your desire' is pretty much equal to the sentence 'forcing the mind to obey the mind's desire', and at the same time it's not... just like at some point the ship turns, and the mind wants to prioritize awareness on things like breathing more than thoughts in itself, and it's now effortless to have a still mind. what's most in alignment with our true nature (nothingness, pure being, consciousness): a still mind or a monkey-mind? When I say still mind I just mean mind without thoughts.

Edited April 13, 2017 by WaveInTheOcean

[Bob80]

You definitely need to watch Mark Freeman's youtube channel about OCD. Real life experience, hard work and real life recovery.  Leo's channel is great but there is a great danger that you will do self-improvement in compulsive way. It will give you short time rewards but it will destroy you in the long time. Leo touches that problem in his video "Fake Growth vs Real Growth - What If You're Just Tricking Yourself?" but your problem is 10 times more intense and overwhelming. 

Doing self-development in compulsive way tricks you into believing that you finding solutions for your problems but in reality you create more problems. Been there, done that. Go and watch Mark's channel.