Suicidal Thoughts Because Of Ocd. Help Needed :-(

[The_spanish_guy]

Hi guys,

I will go straight to the point here. First of all, forgive me if I do some grammatical mistakes, English is not my first language. Look, I've been struggling with OCD and General Anxiety for almost 10 years. In these period of time I have been through a lot of pain, shame and frustration. I have tons of fury and sadness inside me. I have always tried to behave like a nice, quiet and friendly guy (I've been a people pleaser all my life), but I don't feel like playing this role anymore. My life is a crap, what's the point of keep smiling like everything is ok? Personal relationships, professional career, money, hobbies/interests, everything is in complete darkness at this moment.

Because of my OCD (without rituals)/General Anxiety I almost can't stand in front of anybody for more than a few minutes without suffering a panic attack.

For a long time I've tried to ignore the problem and keep pushing forward, but now, at the age of 33 I feel exhausted. I have no more energy enside me. It's like running a mental marathon every fucking day.

I have seen a few therapists during this years. Nothing has helped me. My ego has turned every piece of advice/recommendation into a deadly weapon to my physique. Every new Leo's video has had the same effect on me in the long run. The " what you resist, persist" quote has literally destroyed my life last year.

This extreme situation has produced me a deep sense of meaningless for life. I don't stop repeating to myself "well, if this shit goes out of control a bit more, I will finish it all before I become a living joke". I even cried like a child the other day imagining myself leaving this world that soon... I have always been a normal person with a normal life. Maybe a bit shy/introvert, sometimes unhappy but always passionate for living and for knowing (loved science, history, technology...). I used to read every book, watch every movie, play every videogame and listen to every CD I could...but now...everything is pointless to me. I spend my day masturbating (if I can have an erection) watching youtube, and working (freelance graphic designer) for time to time. Going outside apart for the gym (that is 2 minutes from home) is also so damn difficult and painful sometimes that I have almost become a monk confined in my bedroom. My confort zone is ridiculously small.

I have been practising some meditation since a year or so just a few days per week (2/3). I am to lazy for commiting myself strongly to it, and I don't see any remarkable result neither, so I don't take it very seriously. 

I practise exercise everyday (fitness/bodybuilding), have a healthy diet and sleep 8 hours every night.

I don't want to become a zen master, or an unconditional loving being right now. I am just asking for a regular typical normal life. When you are starving even the worst unhealthy food in the world tastes like heaven...

Thanks in advance.

Edited April 8, 2017 by The_spanish_guy

[The_spanish_guy]

Yep, it's spanish. But I can understand english 99% of the time, so feel free of answering in the language you prefer the most.

[Capethaz]

@The_spanish_guy Seek a good psychiatrist (consider the possibility of taking antidepressants they can help you), go to therapy and meditate heavily (at least 45 minutes a day).

[Bodhi123]

3 hours ago, The_spanish_guy said:

I have always been a normal person with a normal life

 

3 hours ago, The_spanish_guy said:

but now...everything is pointless to me

What occurred in your life that caused you to go from feeling normal to feeling suicidal?

Perhaps if you identify the cause of your pain, you'll be able to address the root issue and improve your current situation.

[Bob84]

@The_spanish_guy tu eres lo que tu piensas que eres. Pero observando esto, quien es el observante?

Lo que quiero decir con eso es que todo lo que piendas es nada mas que esto. Ideas en tu cabeza. 

Sin pensar no estas ni contento ni lo contrario. Si pongas tu atention a cosas buenas estas feliz. Si pongas tu atention a cosas malas te sientes mal. 

Lo que tambien haces es crear una lista de requimientos en tu cabesa para estar feliz. Es decir, si cumplo con esto y esto puedo estar contento, pero antes me tengo que sentir mal.

En fin. Tienes varior egos complicando la vida. Y la verdad siendo que no es mas que eso. Aunque es mucho vaya. Y entiendo que dificil es.

Para empezar mira a tu lista de requimientos y di: a tomar por culo que dicido estar feliz ya. Porque la lista nunca termina. (Y haz me cazo q la lista no es nesesario).

 

[Zenrik]

@The_spanish_guy Sounds like you need to some self compassion.

Check out some of Matt Kahn's videos.

 

6 hours ago, The_spanish_guy said:

Because of my OCD (without rituals)/General Anxiety I almost can't stand in front of anybody for more than a few minutes without suffering a panic attack.

Sounds like social anxiety. People pleasers are often more prone to social anxiety. 

General anxiety often are more spestific than you think. Try find out what its the cause, its often the more obvious thing. Start writing about what you worry about through the day. The theme of you thoughts become more obious after some weeks of writing, and it gest easyer to se what you can do with it.

I would also recomend start making a plan for incremental improvements in your life (Life purpose).

 

[TJM1959]

@The_spanish_guy You did go straight to the point and I appreciate that.
 

1 hour ago, Zenrik said:

plan for incremental improvements

You gotta take really good care of yourself starting now, start something, anything that will assist you in settling yourself down. You may be stuck in a cycle, even a body-producing chemical-reactive cycle that may be interfering with an ability to concentrate/focus other than what you are focusing on now. There are many therapies available that may give you relief so you can begin the incremental improvements, the small steps. You ain't broken, nothing needs to be fixed, you just need to break up the cyclical thought process you are in. Do whatever it takes to care for yourself. I've used meds to do exactly what I suggest, not as a cop out but more of an assist (note my profile pic). Stuck in my head. now get into my heart. So, get committed to yourself to get better starting today. Ok?

[Scholar]

10 hours ago, The_spanish_guy said:

Hi guys,

I will go straight to the point here. First of all, forgive me if I do some grammatical mistakes, English is not my first language. Look, I've been struggling with OCD and General Anxiety for almost 10 years. In these period of time I have been through a lot of pain, shame and frustration. I have tons of fury and sadness inside me. I have always tried to behave like a nice, quiet and friendly guy (I've been a people pleaser all my life), but I don't feel like playing this role anymore. My life is a crap, what's the point of keep smiling like everything is ok? Personal relationships, professional career, money, hobbies/interests, everything is in complete darkness at this moment.

Because of my OCD (without rituals)/General Anxiety I almost can't stand in front of anybody for more than a few minutes without suffering a panic attack.

For a long time I've tried to ignore the problem and keep pushing forward, but now, at the age of 33 I feel exhausted. I have no more energy enside me. It's like running a mental marathon every fucking day.

I have seen a few therapists during this years. Nothing has helped me. My ego has turned every piece of advice/recommendation into a deadly weapon to my physique. Every new Leo's video has had the same effect on me in the long run. The " what you resist, persist" quote has literally destroyed my life last year.

This extreme situation has produced me a deep sense of meaningless for life. I don't stop repeating to myself "well, if this shit goes out of control a bit more, I will finish it all before I become a living joke". I even cried like a child the other day imagining myself leaving this world that soon... I have always been a normal person with a normal life. Maybe a bit shy/introvert, sometimes unhappy but always passionate for living and for knowing (loved science, history, technology...). I used to read every book, watch every movie, play every videogame and listen to every CD I could...but now...everything is pointless to me. I spend my day masturbating (if I can have an erection) watching youtube, and working (freelance graphic designer) for time to time. Going outside apart for the gym (that is 2 minutes from home) is also so damn difficult and painful sometimes that I have almost become a monk confined in my bedroom. My confort zone is ridiculously small.

I have been practising some meditation since a year or so just a few days per week (2/3). I am to lazy for commiting myself strongly to it, and I don't see any remarkable result neither, so I don't take it very seriously. 

I practise exercise everyday (fitness/bodybuilding), have a healthy diet and sleep 8 hours every night.

I don't want to become a zen master, or an unconditional loving being right now. I am just asking for a regular typical normal life. When you are starving even the worst unhealthy food in the world tastes like heaven...

Thanks in advance.

You have dug yourself into a deep hole. Actually I think yesterday someone posted a video of Sadhguru talking about this problem. Everything is pointless to you precisely because you already have expirienced so much in terms of movies, books etc.

A second problem I hear is the addiction to pornography, maybe by far your biggest problem.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

Read it, educate yourself. Seems to me like you have screwed up your brain, your dopamine receptors are so desensitized that you literally are unable to find joy. And you are by far not the only one, just go on the site and inform yourself, and see how many people have suffered just the same way you have. You can meditate all day long, if you continue watching pornography then it nullifies everything else you do. This is just how the brain works, you cannot cheat nature. 

Social anxiety can be entirely rooted in pornographic consumption. I am afraid that if you do not stop this addiction, you will be unable to get out of that hole you have dug for yourself.

The problem is that you are so addicted, you will suffer greatly if you try to stop doing what you are addicted to. I don't know if you will be able to do it by yourself. I believe the best would be if you could somehow spend a year without internet, pornography of anything the likes. Your brain would have chance to resensitize and life would seem meaningful once more. Then you'd have the motivation to actually do something about it. So, either try by yourself, and be very disciplined, or join a monestary of whatever, so someone else restricts you.

 

The internet, to the mind, is nothing but pandora's box. It can give you everything you want in an instant. And now ask yourself, why would you go out and find a real partner, if you can have sexual intercourse within seconds, just by clicking a few buttoms? What's the point? You can read a book and be on another planet, or slay dragons in a video game. And you don't have to do anything for it.

Now, look at life. You want a car? You have to work for it, for months, 8 hours a day 5 days a week. It's just ridicilous, and your brain does not care if it's artificial or not. It will not care about anything anymore, because it gets everything it needs without any effort. It gets the reward without having to do anything. Aside from the bio-chemical and neurological restructuring of your brain, if you simply see it as a tale, it all makes sense.

Give a child everything it wants, whenever it asks for it, what kind of person will it grow up to be? 

Edited April 8, 2017 by Scholar

[The White Belt]

I had strong OCD so I feel like I can help you. It nearly drove me to suicide as well. Firstly be kind to yourself, you're doing an amazing job. Remind yourself of that. I mean look, people with totally stable mental health can't even shift their ass to workout, meditate, eat and sleep well. 

Incredible.

Okay with meditation a few times a week is not enough to see result, unfortunately it has to be every single day, 10 mins is enough to start with. It's hard but do it. One of the most important habits that helped me with OCD. 

Also, CBT is great for OCD. 

Don't let spirituality confuse your life too much at the start. Put it in a box in your head labelled 'spirituality' and the 'normal' types of therapy, habits, etc, in a box called 'life'. 

Remember it's all based on love. 

Also you're a badass for running these mental marathons each day. Most couldn't handle that. You're going to have so much strength and wisdom because of this. You probably already do.

 

LOVE YOURSELF 

 

[The_spanish_guy]

8 hours ago, Capethaz said:

@The_spanish_guy Seek a good psychiatrist (consider the possibility of taking antidepressants they can help you), go to therapy and meditate heavily (at least 45 minutes a day).

Actually I am currently going to a therapist. Her approach is that I have to focus in what I want out of life, and fight for it. Take action instead of more thinking, and try to identify my distorted negative self talk like "this won't work", "I am not good enough for achieving this goal"...

Also taking antidepressants for 5/6 years...

I will try to discipline myself with meditation

Edited April 8, 2017 by The_spanish_guy

[The_spanish_guy]

6 hours ago, Bob84 said:

@The_spanish_guy tu eres lo que tu piensas que eres. Pero observando esto, quien es el observante?

Lo que quiero decir con eso es que todo lo que piendas es nada mas que esto. Ideas en tu cabeza. 

Sin pensar no estas ni contento ni lo contrario. Si pongas tu atention a cosas buenas estas feliz. Si pongas tu atention a cosas malas te sientes mal. 

Lo que tambien haces es crear una lista de requimientos en tu cabesa para estar feliz. Es decir, si cumplo con esto y esto puedo estar contento, pero antes me tengo que sentir mal.

En fin. Tienes varior egos complicando la vida. Y la verdad siendo que no es mas que eso. Aunque es mucho vaya. Y entiendo que dificil es.

Para empezar mira a tu lista de requimientos y di: a tomar por culo que dicido estar feliz ya. Porque la lista nunca termina. (Y haz me cazo q la lista no es nesesario).

 

Completamente, amigo. Siempre he tenido muchos requisitos para ser feliz. He sido muy perfeccionista siempre y, o todo estababa mi gusto, o me frustraba enormemente. Siempre me he esforzado más por transformar mi realidad que por aceptarla.

Gracias por haber respondido en español. ¿De donde eres?

[Guest username]

 

[ajasatya]

@The_spanish_guy welcome. i've been there. your sincerity is your weapon and shield.

simply put, look for a zen sangha where you live and meditate with them every week.

[Toby]

What kind of Antidepressant are you taking? Some of your symptoms might be side effects.

[The_spanish_guy]

2 hours ago, TJM1959 said:

@The_spanish_guy You did go straight to the point and I appreciate that.
 

You gotta take really good care of yourself starting now, start something, anything that will assist you in settling yourself down. You may be stuck in a cycle, even a body-producing chemical-reactive cycle that may be interfering with an ability to concentrate/focus other than what you are focusing on now. There are many therapies available that may give you relief so you can begin the incremental improvements, the small steps. You ain't broken, nothing needs to be fixed, you just need to break up the cyclical thought process you are in. Do whatever it takes to care for yourself. I've used meds to do exactly what I suggest, not as a cop out but more of an assist (note my profile pic). Stuck in my head. now get into my heart. So, get committed to yourself to get better starting today. Ok?

I am a absurd mental person. Also suffer from dp/dr (I just realized it yesterday, after reading the definition). It's so damn difficult for me to stay focus and let myself go, to flow...

Thanks for the advise my friend.

Already taking meds.

[The_spanish_guy]

 

6 hours ago, Zenrik said:

1. @The_spanish_guy 

Edited April 8, 2017 by The_spanish_guy
Duplicated

[The_spanish_guy]

1 hour ago, Scholar said:

You have dug yourself into a deep hole. Actually I think yesterday someone posted a video of Sadhguru talking about this problem. Everything is pointless to you precisely because you already have expirienced so much in terms of movies, books etc.

A second problem I hear is the addiction to pornography, maybe by far your biggest problem.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

Read it, educate yourself. Seems to me like you have screwed up your brain, your dopamine receptors are so desensitized that you literally are unable to find joy. And you are by far not the only one, just go on the site and inform yourself, and see how many people have suffered just the same way you have. You can meditate all day long, if you continue watching pornography then it nullifies everything else you do. This is just how the brain works, you cannot cheat nature. 

Social anxiety can be entirely rooted in pornographic consumption. I am afraid that if you do not stop this addiction, you will be unable to get out of that hole you have dug for yourself.

The problem is that you are so addicted, you will suffer greatly if you try to stop doing what you are addicted to. I don't know if you will be able to do it by yourself. I believe the best would be if you could somehow spend a year without internet, pornography of anything the likes. Your brain would have chance to resensitize and life would seem meaningful once more. Then you'd have the motivation to actually do something about it. So, either try by yourself, and be very disciplined, or join a monestary of whatever, so someone else restricts you.

 

The internet, to the mind, is nothing but pandora's box. It can give you everything you want in an instant. And now ask yourself, why would you go out and find a real partner, if you can have sexual intercourse within seconds, just by clicking a few buttoms? What's the point? You can read a book and be on another planet, or slay dragons in a video game. And you don't have to do anything for it.

Now, look at life. You want a car? You have to work for it, for months, 8 hours a day 5 days a week. It's just ridicilous, and your brain does not care if it's artificial or not. It will not care about anything anymore, because it gets everything it needs without any effort. It gets the reward without having to do anything. Aside from the bio-chemical and neurological restructuring of your brain, if you simply see it as a tale, it all makes sense.

Give a child everything it wants, whenever it asks for it, what kind of person will it grow up to be? 

I'm actually not that addicted to porn. I spend 2, maybe 3 hours everyday masturbating. But it is for sure my more immediate source of joy these days. That's how I am coping with suffering. Same for YT and gym. 

But anyway what you say it resonates with me a lot. Every time I am more immersed in the virtual world and less in touch with real life. And yep, sometimes it's difficult for me to discriminate one from the other. Internet means safety, the real world pain and caos...

Anyway I will take a look at the website you linked

Give a child everything it wants, whenever it asks for it, what kind of person will it grow up to be? 

My life has been just like this the last 5/6 years. Less and less taking action each time, as my OCD has become more intense...

[Scholar]

Just now, The_spanish_guy said:

I'm actually not that addicted to porn. I spend 2, maybe 3 hours everyday masturbating. But it is for sure my more immediate source of joy these days. That's how I am coping with suffering. Same for YT and gym. 

But anyway what you say it resonates with me a lot. Every time I am more immersed in the virtual world and less in touch with real life. And yep, sometimes it's difficult for me to discriminate one from the other. Internet means safety, the real world pain and caos...

Anyway I will take a look at the website you linked

Give a child everything it wants, whenever it asks for it, what kind of person will it grow up to be? 

My life has been just like this the last 5/6 years. Less and less taking action each time, as my OCD has become more intense...

So you are masturbating without pornography? Inform yourself about what PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm) does to your brain. Whether you are fantasizing or using pictures makes absolutely no difference. You can condition yourself to find anything attractive, even a piece of wood. To your brain it makes no difference whatsoever, once it can get off of it.

The problem is that if you masturbate every day, and indulge in sexual fantasy or pornography, your mind will not be clear. You will not even be able to meditate properly because your brainfog will be to strong.

As I said, you will not be able to do anything if you don't stop all sexual activity atleast until your brain regenerates. It completely takes away your motivation, it multiplies your anxieties and ruins your self-esteem. 

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

Imagine you had a certain amount of life energy, and each time you masturbate that life energy diminishes. Over the years, your total bar of life energy was always at a minimum, so it decided to shrink. Let's say 10 years ago your life energy was able to hold 100 life energy points. Now, for 10 years it was around an energy level of 0-5, because you always spend your entire life energy on masturbation whenever you could. Now the life bar decided to simply adjust itself. Why would it need a capacity of 100 if all you really ever have it a maximum of 5? So that's what it did, it shrank down to 5.

Now, if you hold your life energy, you can get at maximum 5 points, because your capacity is that low. The longer you hold it at it's maximum capacity, the higher the chance that it decides to increase. So, if you hold it at 5 for a week, it will decide to increase to 6. You hold it, and hold it and hold it, until it's all the way back at 100. You will not be able to hold it all the time, but the more you reach the highest capacity, the more it will increase, the more you deplet, the more it will decrease.

It's pretty much as simply as that.

You life motivation is low right now, no matter what you do. And it will stay like that for some time, but you need to force yourself not to deplet it. This is a problem though, because you need the life energy to be able to hold it. In other words, you don't even have the motivation to stop masturbating anymore. This is why most people simply can't free themselves of it. But you can, if you somehow see how significant this is for your life. You have to do it, your survival depends on it. When your brain sees it, when it will feel threatened, there will be a sudden increase of life energy, until it doesn't feel threatened anymore. So that's a way to do it, but I can't tell you what exactly to do. You simply need to realize that your life literally depends on whether you take action now or you don't.

Once you have that motivation, you can start holding. Stop your addictive behaviour, most importantly the sexual ones, and once you do that you will build up your motivation. It will become easier and easier, the beginning will be what's most difficult.

[The_spanish_guy]

1 hour ago, BeginnerActualizer said:

I had strong OCD so I feel like I can help you. It nearly drove me to suicide as well. Firstly be kind to yourself, you're doing an amazing job. Remind yourself of that. I mean look, people with totally stable mental health can't even shift their ass to workout, meditate, eat and sleep well. 

Incredible.

Okay with meditation a few times a week is not enough to see result, unfortunately it has to be every single day, 10 mins is enough to start with. It's hard but do it. One of the most important habits that helped me with OCD. 

Also, CBT is great for OCD. 

Don't let spirituality confuse your life too much at the start. Put it in a box in your head labelled 'spirituality' and the 'normal' types of therapy, habits, etc, in a box called 'life'. 

Remember it's all based on love. 

Also you're a badass for running these mental marathons each day. Most couldn't handle that. You're going to have so much strength and wisdom because of this. You probably already do.

 

LOVE YOURSELF 

 

Thanks a lot my friend. Currently taking CBT, but feeling a bit disappointed about it. It seems like meditation will be completely necessary for me. The thing is that it's so damn painful to stay alone with my monkey mind that it's seems like by meditating I am only feeding my obsessions...

I had strong OCD so I feel like I can help you.

Congratulations my friend. Not sure how severe your OCD was, but if it was at least as intense as mine, man, you are like Neo from the Matrix to me, almost like a god among humans. Mind blowing...

[The White Belt]

@The_spanish_guy Just stick with it a bit. Do the exercises with as much enthusiasm as you can stomach. 

The issue with meditation is that it stirs the mind to begin with, at least for a few months it will possibly worsen things before you get some peace. You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.

Don't put me on a pedestal. It was pretty bad, the violent thoughts were so unbearable that I considered calling the police on myself and telling them I'm about to do something terrible, but it just sort of faded a way the less I took it seriously. It wasn't a battle. It's when I stopped battling that it began to go. 

Stand back and laugh at it a little bit. 

When you get through it, and you will, your appreciation for life will be so much deeper that you'll probably actually be glad you went through all of it, because you had so many realisations about life as a result. 

 

Good luck my man!!