Grieving my ex boyfriend's death due to an overdose

[Luna]

I lost my ex boyfriend to a meth overdose (laced with fentanyl).. Last time we spoke was just few days before his death he said he does not want to speak to me again anymore and I did not say anything; I decided to reach out few days after and I realized he's dead. we had a really good friendship after our breakup (almost 3 years ago) but it really affected him and made him depressed that we were no longer together; the last few months were really hard for him after his brother's suicide and death of his cat who was his best friend. 

I know it is not my fault; I know I did not cause him to overdose but I am still overcame and defeated by guilt and what ifs.. what if I had reached out to him sooner what if i had been a better gf at the time what if i had been a better friend. this is the very first death I deal with in my 25 years of life. any tips? words of comfort? anything will help. 

[Yimpa]

You have a big heart and you showed kindness and compassion towards your ex. I can tell that he truly did love and appreciate you the best that he could.

Thank you for being there for him during his time of need. He’s eternally grateful for your presence, even if he’s no longer physically here.

[Rigel]

My brother lost his best friend to an accident when he was 18. There really is nothing he could've done so I am guessing he didn't struggle with guilt as much but it was still very hard on him. I didn't see him smile for a few years after that. He is now your age & a transformed person. It does get better with time. Hang on.

[Luna]

@Yimpa Thank you. I believe it. 

[Princess Arabia]

Sorry to hear of your loss and I am deeply saddened to see that you are feeling guilt and regrets over his passing.

I also recently, last year in July, had someone dear to me (my mom), passed over and her passing was extremely painful to bear.

I could have also went down the path of regrets saying if and if and if and how I wish I was by her side or whatever. 

How I dealt with it was by starting a brief journal (here) and wrote to her as if she was still here receiving my letters and I kept her (kind of) alive in my thoughts and memories by posting pictures and poems and songs and videos about mons and reliving our times together. 

I kept that up for about 2weeks until her funeral and a few days after the funeral I decided to let the journal go and bid her farewell because I realized that nothing is going to bring her back and didn't want to live a life of pretence that she was still here in the physical. It helped me in times when I needed it and I let it go when I was ready. 

If I had lived through that experience with regrets and guilt I would not have been able to handle it as well as I did. I knew that that would have made me spiraled down the path of depression and, as she was my rock and a source of my strengths to keep this body alive, it was not in my best interest to view her passing with my selfish egoic regrets and instead to celebrate her life and to view it as what is.

You are not seeing Reality as it is but what you wished it was. That will not do justice to your psyche and will bleed into other areas of your life. Try to understand that life is unfolding as it should. Have no regrets and feel no guilt because they are only coming from your need to control what you have no control over. 

Grieve however is best for you and personalize it to suit how you feel is in your best interest but so it doesn't make you feel regrets about anything as this is just a part of life's process. There's nothing you could have done to to change the outcome and nothing was your fault. Neither was it his. It's just what is unfolding and for you to use this as an opportunity to maybe see life from a different perspective and to open you up to other possibilities that may be allowing you to become more aware of what the Truth of existence is and how a loved one's passing may be just what you needed to see and become aware of your own divinity. 

I thought I would be a mess after my mom's passing but instead it made me realize more of what Love is not, and it's not holding on to life and attaching our own egoic desires and wants and regrets to it but to live freely in the knowing that what was, is not what is.

Allow yourself this time for whatever comes up without judgement and to look at it as a part of the process that is unfolding within your unique sense of self and that it will pass and that there is nothing to be regretful for because your life is not a regret in Sources eyes.

[Luna]

@Princess Arabia

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and all the meaningful advice you wrote; I will keep it in my mind when all feels lost. I really appreciate it

 

[Yimpa]

[Princess Arabia]

26 minutes ago, Luna said:

@Princess Arabia

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and all the meaningful advice you wrote; I will keep it in my mind when all feels lost. I really appreciate it

 

You're welcome. We are here for each other.

Edited January 14 by Princess Arabia

[SeaMonster]

On 1/13/2024 at 8:05 PM, Luna said:

I know it is not my fault; I know I did not cause him to overdose but I am still overcame and defeated by guilt and what ifs.. what if I had reached out to him sooner what if i had been a better gf at the time what if i had been a better friend. this is the very first death I deal with in my 25 years of life. any tips? words of comfort? anything will help. 

If you're harboring some idea that you could have "saved him", don't.

Addicts are on their own journey and the grip of addiction is usually more powerful than love and friendship.

In fact, it is more likely that the more you tried to save him, the more he would have dragged you down with him.  This is not pleasant to hear about people we love, but it's sadly true in some cases.

I lost a relative over the holidays.  She wasn't an addict, but she neglected her health for years.  Some people are sadly on a journey of slow self-destruction - they don't want to be here.  You can't save them.

Edited January 15 by SeaMonster

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j83HjUFJhas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRnP8wL2hO8

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojq1AAMvZvg

 

[Princess Arabia]

9 hours ago, SeaMonster said:

If you're harboring some idea that you could have "saved him", don't.

Addicts are on their own journey and the grip of addiction is usually more powerful than love and friendship.

In fact, it is more likely that the more you tried to save him, the more he would have dragged you down with him.  This is not pleasant to hear about people we love, but it's sadly true in some cases.

I lost a relative over the holidays.  She wasn't an addict, but she neglected her health for years.  Some people are sadly on a journey of slow self-destruction - they don't want to be here.  You can't save them.

"They don't want to be here", that is so true, whether it's on a conscious level or not. I've noticed extremely unhealthy habits in some people and deep down I know it's because they are depressed and don't care no matter how much you try to help them....one reason why I stopped trying. People would get angry at you for caring sometimes. But I came to this recognition and granted them their space. The only problem with that was you would feel the brinks of it - it was also affecting you.

[Luna]

@Raze Thank you so much for these videos I will be watching them today.

[Luna]

@Princess Arabia The problem is, his brother committed suicide and shortly after his cat died.. and our breakup (which happened way before that) was all so hard on him  my heart aches so much for what he had to go through and drove him to the addiction. I try to distance myself from the situation of blaming myself but I cannot.. I could've reached out to him that day and we could've talked it out but I didn't know.. I was his only friend 

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Luna said:

@Princess Arabia The problem is, his brother committed suicide and shortly after his cat died.. and our breakup (which happened way before that) was all so hard on him  my heart aches so much for what he had to go through and drove him to the addiction. I try to distance myself from the situation of blaming myself but I cannot.. I could've reached out to him that day and we could've talked it out but I didn't know.. I was his only friend 

What was supposed to happen has happened, it's too late now.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, people are responsible for their actions, period.

[Luna]

@Schizophonia Amen. I hope I can move on from this gracefully 

[Schizophonia]

Just now, Luna said:

@Schizophonia Amen. I hope I can move on from this gracefully 

Time will do its job, indeed. 

Just a matter of time.

Do cool things to keep away the stressful vibe of rumination, and to make tragic movies in your head.