I am afraid to express myself in a passionate way?

[woohoo123]

Hello everyone 

I realize some of my personal relationships lack depth. In particular I want to be more expressive about my deeper motivations and parts of my identity around spirituality. 

For example my gf knows I do psycadelics (she doesn’t know what that is, thinks I’m taking recreational drugs or something), meditate and likes to spend time alone, but from her perspective she doesn’t know why. We have been together for years and she thinks it is some weird quirk of my personality. So I tend to downplay their significance and say something like ‘just for fun’, ‘I’m relaxing’ when really I am afraid of expressing my true intentions and truer self. 

It’s hard to explain why I don’t want to take that stressful job which pays me twice the money, but rather spend that extra time tinkering on a life purpose. 

This isn’t about forcing others to accept or understand me, rather it’s more about overcoming my own mental barriers that I feel when sharing things about myself to others. 

I understand in most social situations it may not be appropriate,  but I want to practice binging more of that side of my personality to light. 

I think the main thing holding me back is self-judgement. I’m afraid when I speak people will laugh at me because I may never be able to live up to the ideals I am striving for.

Leo talks about truth, integrity, consciousness and love - yet I here I am anxious, attached to money and sex, seeking comfort, addicted to porn. 

It’s almost like a fat person saying their core value is the gym (imagine they go but they’re still fat). It feels incongruous because spirituality sounds really mature (like you got your shit figured out and really wise) but I know I may never get to that level and I know I will make foolish life ‘mistakes’ along the way. 

The attatched meme is the embodiment of how I feel before those words come out my mouth 

In a similar way it feels odd for me to say I’m working on a life purpose, but I feel a little embarrassed what if it doesn’t work out? What if it never amounts to much? So I prefer to work on it in the dark where it can’t be judged by others and hence never mention it to others. People ask me where I’ve been and it’s like ‘playing video games’ 

I can’t really pinpoint if it is guilt/shame/fear of judgement/fear of failure/fear of intimacy or maybe a bit of all these things but I would appreciate anyone who may have guidance or books/materials

Thank you everyone 

[Chadders]

@woohoo123 In terms of being more authentically you I am also in a process of opening up more

i would say it’s about honesty. Honesty with how you feel if you do feel vulnerable. That’s okay we’re only human and we need to show that level of openness to the emotion. To feel it more deeply

Being honest with your emotions also means being honest with other people. If they have hurt or upset you or there’s something you don’t like about what they’ve done. You feel this. Then tell them. Like with a woman. If she’s beautiful tell her and express that. If she pisses you off tell her that too. Be honest with how you feel by communicating that to others. If they don’t like it that’s their problem not yours. If you know you’re a good person which it sounds like you are then that’s enough. From that you express and communicate honestly 

 As you get older you care less about what others think. Not in a I don’t give a shit about you way no. You are just no longer afraid to express your true emotions to someone even if it’s painful for them to hear. People are afraid of the truth and the deeper your spirit the truer your honesty

[Applegarden8]

Ahh, the question why to do spirituality:

"Meditation is a waste of time"

"There are studies that meditation calms the mind and body"

"Hmm I had an instersting experience that I i didn't feel I was breathing"

"Huh, i started to feel happy for no reason"

"Meditation helps with my depression"

"I felt such an intense existential crisis, but I am happy"

"I underestand that I may be nothing and life has no meaning"

"Maybe death is not bad after all"

"Society has their values completely wrong"

"Maybe human kind has a different history"

"Maybe aliens exist?"

"Maybe life is a dream"

"I don't feel like I have to be guilty for who I am"

"Maybe I don't need what the other has? And they get very mad about it."

"Maybe my life is completely about something else"

"Maybe yoga is not just about stretching"

"Some guy is conscetrating lingas somewhere in India, while your life is mostly thinking about sexual desire"

"Maybe it's time to give, not only to take"

My values have completely changed in 10 years of somewhat moderate amount spiritual practice. I have no idea what I will be like...

"What for" is like Ramana Maharishi projecting to you: "Who am I", but you are supposed to find out for yourself. Hahahaha.

Edited January 19 by Applegarden8

[Spiritual Warrior]

I relate to what you are saying. 

I was very weary about telling my friends that I meditate back in the day, but eventually I just did it. I think that you will find your way of being more open when you are ready. 

You have a good head on your shoulders, just continue doing your personal development work for you. If you're not ready to share it with the world, then that's okay. 

My next obstacle is to start talking about enlightenment and God with my peers, this scares me because I'm afraid that they'll think I'm crazy. 

Let go, don't think too much about this topic, things will fall into place. 

Edited January 20 by Spiritual Warrior

[Yimpa]

5 minutes ago, Spiritual Warrior said:

My next obstacle is to start talking about enlightenment and God with my peers, this scares me because I'm afraid that they'll think I'm crazy. 

Let go, don't think too much about this topic, things will fall into place. 

Nice, I’m going to an enlightenment workshop tomorrow. Not because I need to go there to become enlightened, but because I have nothing else better to do 

[Spiritual Warrior]

1 minute ago, Yimpa said:

Nice, I’m going to an enlightenment workshop tomorrow. Not because I need to go there to become enlightened, but because I have nothing else better to do 

Haha nice, I'll go to one of those some day. Best of luck 

[Davino]

First of all, congratulations for the introspection. It really felt genuine and authentic.

I felt a lot of empathy with you because I went through exactly what you are explaining. The way I solved it with my partner, was first of all presence. Once I got up to a point of consciousness, my very own presence was able to connect with her and give very little glimpses. This kept snowballing little by little over the years. The final trigger that opened the next chapter for us in this regard was her first psychedelic. We tried LSD in a paradise beach city, while on summer together. This was the first time she had a point of reference of what I was going through. So you don't need to convince your partner to Awaken but she MUST have a Point of Reference. Because the truth is most people can't even pull out from their experiences one single mystical insight or awakening. It's for this reasons that psychedelics offer the most efficient tool for this purpose. When the oppurtunity of doing psychedelics with your girlfriend comes, jump on it. Make sure she grasps the point of reference and be very mindful, allowing her own trip to unfold, while also bonding together from new states of consciousness for both of you. Also tripping with other people can be sometimes chaotic, know that and relax into it, flow with what comes, you need to be her anchor of safety for her to explore. 

About other people, I did many things but what ended up being the key were Martial Arts. They forced me to fight for my position, to endure pain and to express through my body.

I'm sure many other options are available, this is just how it happened for me and what I recommend.

[Jac067]

This is your first step. Let us know how you are doing after some time.