why can't i be beautiful?

[Judy2]

@Salvijus

i mean you're not wrong.

still, i find it hurtful when you demonise what i (and many others) are struggling with by implying it's simply selfish attention-seeking behaviour for the sake of it. 

it might be "insane" in the sense that it implies a lack of health on my part, for sure. but it's not insane in the sense that it can't be understood or happens without a reason. there is real pain at the root of this.

what do you think needs to happen to a 14 year old to suddenly think it's a good idea to take a knife and start cutting her thigh?

and when people tell me now that i'm not even allowed to say i feel hurt...what am i supposed to do, other than to keep showing it?

saying how i feel when i can sometimes barely get the words out of my mouth is progress. reaching out to people rather than staying all on my own....sometimes i can't do it, and when i do, it's brave.

but it's true that i probably can't authentically explain this position for as long as i'm still affected in the way i currently am.

Edited January 5 by Judy2

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

but it's not insane in the sense that it can't be understood or happens without a reason. there is real pain at the root of this.

Self whipping has no sanity behind it. And the pain is your own doing. It's your own whipping that is causing it. And you always have the freedom to make a new choice to let go of it. 

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

still, i find it hurtful when you demonise what i (and many others) are struggling with by implying it's simply selfish attention-seeking behaviour for the sake of it. 

It's not the response you wanted but it's the response you need. Enough ego pampering. Let's become real. Let's become honest about what is really going on. And how insane it is. This honesty is key and the way out of this mess. Whether you wish to become honest and sincere about how self hate doesn't serve you and is utterly insane will show how seriously you want to become free of internal conflict and be at peace. 

 

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

what do you think needs to happen to a 14 year old to suddenly think it's a good idea to take a knife and start cutting her thigh?

Same old self-hate. An insane attempt to find peace. An ancient method born of ego. The voice of fear. 

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

and when people tell me now that i'm not even allowed to say i feel hurt...what am i supposed to do, other than to keep showing it?

It's one thing to sincerely reach out and look for a solution. It's another thing to play victim to receive kind words and then continue crying as a strategy for attention. 

I'm not saying that's what you do. But I encourage you to reflect and become super honest about it and find the answer for yourself. 

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

saying how i feel when i can sometimes barely get the words out of my mouth is progress. reaching out to people rather than staying all on my own....sometimes i can't do it, and when i do, it's brave

Well congrats on making this far. But it's time to go further. Some more things need to be cleared and get rid of to get to the other shore. That's the whole point of me confronting some of the things you unconsciously hold onto. Protecting insanity with so much attachment and value given to it. The game of victimhood that all egos like some much. To bring all this nonsense to surface and confront it with awareness and honesty. 

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

 

 

Edited January 5 by Salvijus

[Breakingthewall]

12 hours ago, Salvijus said:

from this point onwards, there is no more but. I will no longer beat myself, criticize myself, judge myself, attack myself in any way, I accept myself as God created me to be. Wholly loved and holy, radiant and free.

That doesn't work, at least psychology or self-help hasn't worked for me at all. My father was an extremely twisted self-destructive guy and son of a bitch, who embedded brushstrokes of rejection and hatred into me quite deeply. I was fully aware of it and fully aware of how my mind went into toxic loops, but it was not possible to get out of them. I guarantee you that I am someone quite determined and practical, my goal is not to torture myself, that is stupid, and yet it was impossible not to do it.

Only one thing has worked, breaking my psyche completely, placing myself beyond it, beyond fear, beyond dialogue and all that. look reality in the face, without filters. If you know how to use your misery as fuel, it can be quite useful, in fact more useful than anything else, it allows you to leave the human orbit, and this is not easy.

[BlueOak]

14 hours ago, Judy2 said:

idk.....right now i feel like i want to make you understand why people do what i do, not that it would change anything.

Almost everyone wants others to understand them. Nothing wrong with that.

Pain forms part of identity. It's like pushing against weights. 
A lot of people here demonize resistance. Resistance is what builds identity.

They are right it is all a choice. When you don't want the pain or identity anymore or something doesn't serve you to do, we slowly come out of it. 

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Breakingthewall said:

If you know how to use your misery as fuel, it can be quite useful,

Yes because misery is also a call for help. And a genuine call for help will always give good fruit. 

1 hour ago, Breakingthewall said:

That doesn't work, at least psychology or self-help hasn't worked for me at all.__ And yet it was impossible not to do it.

It works to the extent one is willing to make a new choice. The problem is that willingness has many layers. And we often lack awareness of all the layers where ego is still clinging and sees value in insanity. Without this awareness and willingness it is indeed difficult to go beyond it. But pointing out the insanity and where the attachment is can help people to drop at least one layer of self hatred at a time. 

Edited January 5 by Salvijus

[Breakingthewall]

2 hours ago, Salvijus said:

works to the extent one is willing to make a new choice.

The problem is that the energetic patterns that create the structure that we are are real. They are not something that you are going to change just because you make a decision. You have to penetrate to the kitchen, dissolve all your structures again and again, until they no longer have any strength.

Humans have default, hereditary programming. Tribalism, survival, all that. These forces are irresistible, if it were not so no one would do anything. Most of us in this forum are not happy with the development of this programming, we have realized its pitfalls and we want to reverse it, but this is enormously difficult, although not impossible. The only way is total openness to living existence. This is possible, it always has been, but obviously it is not something that is going to happen by looking in the mirror and saying that starting today, etc

[Vercingetorix]

6 hours ago, Salvijus said:

No amount of self beating is going to process any pain. Self beating is the pain. This need to play victim of yours is just an ego trick to receive pampering and attention. And it sometimes works. So you figured if you play victim someone will come and say nice words to you. While an actual solution is something you don't sincerely want. 

It's time to go beyond it. These fake sorries and crocodile tears and need to play victim and seeing value in beating yourself. It's all ego, and it's all insane. All of it you are free to throw into a trash bin where it belongs and begin to make a new choice. The choice to real sanity, real sincerity and conflict free existence. 

@Salvijus  what's the source for this advice? As a life coach / therapist, and from much work on my own, that sounds like bad advice for someone in her situation. It might be right in the logical sense, but it ignores the emotional wound. There is a little girl inside of her that is seeking healing and she can't just ignore her. IMO going beyond it would be to ignore it and resist it. and what you resist persist.

@Judy2 It sounds that you understand, that the voice that asks these questions is a voice that is seeking healing. And the healing is by giving validation to yourself, by seeing the pain and validating the pain and giving it place. can you see the hurt girl inside of you? if you can, talk to her, validate her, ask her what she needs, hug her. be for her the benevolent parent that she lacked in her past.

[cetus]

2 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

It sounds that you understand, that the voice that asks these questions is a voice that is seeking healing. And the healing is by giving validation to yourself, by seeing the pain and validating the pain and giving it place. can you see the hurt girl inside of you? if you can, talk to her, validate her, ask her what she needs, hug her. be for her the benevolent parent that she lacked in her past.

@Vercingetorix All good advice. Hopeful she pays heed to these wise words.

[Salvijus]

3 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

The problem is that the energetic patterns that create the structure that we are are real. They are not something that you are going to change just because you make a decision. 

That's why i sayed there are many layers of willingness and without awareness and honesty we unconciously value/cling to judgment and believe it has value. This unconcious belief that judgment has value is the only reason it persists. And because we are unaware of how ridicilous the whole thing is fully. We can't let go of it fully. We can only let go of it to the extent we have realized its futility. And the journey to letting go of it fully has many layers of deeper awareness, deeper honesty, deeper openess and willingness.

I think Im just repeating myself now. I actually agree with what you wrote above. It doesn't contradict anything i wrote really imo. 

3 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

what's the source for this advice?

Love and prayer.

Illumination through deep meditation and the light of awareness.

Allowance and surrender to be guided by the intelligence and grace beyond the personal egoic mind. 

Also i know her personally for quite some time. We are actually good friends lol. But bs has to go. It's long overdue. 

Edited January 5 by Salvijus

[Arthogaan]

You. Are. Not. A. Body.

 

[MuadDib]

 

[Judy2]

5 hours ago, Vercingetorix said:

@Judy2 It sounds that you understand, that the voice that asks these questions is a voice that is seeking healing. And the healing is by giving validation to yourself, by seeing the pain and validating the pain and giving it place. can you see the hurt girl inside of you? if you can, talk to her, validate her, ask her what she needs, hug her. be for her the benevolent parent that she lacked in her past.

 

2 hours ago, cetus said:

@Vercingetorix All good advice. Hopeful she pays heed to these wise words.

@Vercingetorix @cetus yeah i'm listening:) thank you

[Schizophonia]

This topic was made under rumination, whatever anyone tells you it will lead to nothing because the problem is energetic. Go see friends or just do something you really like, women need more energy than men to stay in a "state of opulence"
Also work on getting fucked by a man you like enough, that may also be what you're missing and contributing to these ruminations, whether you admit it or not. 

Psychedelics and ketamines only work periodically.

 

ps : bon courage pour aprendre le français.

[Judy2]

On 05/01/2024 at 9:41 PM, Schizophonia said:

This topic was made under rumination, whatever anyone tells you it will lead to nothing because the problem is energetic.

yup

 

 

thanks everyone, i appreciate all of your contributions to this discussion

♡

[Vercingetorix]

@Salvijus fair enough

@cetus Thanks

[gettoefl]

[Schizophonia]

5 hours ago, gettoefl said:

Be yourself 

[gettoefl]

3 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Be yourself 

be you to full is the new beautiful 

[Yimpa]

3 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Be yourself 

1 minute ago, gettoefl said:

be you to full is the new beautiful 

Be you: too full of beauty that you can’t do anything else but to share it expansively 

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Yimpa said:

Be you: too full of beauty that you can’t do anything else but to share it expansively 

 

I share you my hatred generously 

Edited January 7 by Schizophonia