At what point does someone just have to accept Depression may be permanent?

[ZenAlex]

Around 2015, a switch flipped inside of me one day. Since then, I've felt by default way more flat emotionally, and in a state of regular unease for more often that seems to overshadow many of the things I used to enjoy. I experience no excitement, no passion. I can calm myself down and find some peace, but it's limited.

I've given up alcohol and caffeine for years, no recreational drugs or cigarettes ever, I eat way healthier than ever. I've at times played a lot of video games and watched a lot of TV, but have given these things up for months at a time to try and remain more in the present moment, and go for hikes, meditate etc. 

I've gone to therapy but it wasn't of much use. I've tried socialising more. I've also stopped jerking off and watching porn regularly, and have only done these things occasionally for many years now.

Sometimes this has helped and I've felt a bit better, but nothing ever seems to really fully resolve the issue. I can only manage it.

I admit I didn't at one point live the healthiest lifestyle, but for years now I've been much healthier.

Did something happen to my brain chemistry that is now irreparable? I feel like at times I've found some peace, but nothing I do seems to resolve this shit.

And at times I feel like it has gotten worse.

The only thing I've not really tried is anti-depressants/other drugs.

Could this just be permanent and I have to accept having very limited peace/happiness in my life?

[Raze]

Try ifs therapy, mdma trauma release, and the finders course 

Edited January 4 by Raze

[Phil King]

Have you tried any psychedelics?

[ZenAlex]

6 hours ago, Phil King said:

Have you tried any psychedelics?

No. Only drug I've ever consumed is alcohol and caffeine, and I haven't really consumed much of either in several years. 

Unfortunately previous alcohol or caffeine consumption may have contributed. I was no addict because I consumed alcohol twice a week at one point, along with caffeine. 

 

[TheCloud]

On 1/4/2024 at 8:40 AM, ZenAlex said:

Around 2015, a switch flipped inside of me one day. Since then, I've felt by default way more flat emotionally, and in a state of regular unease for more often that seems to overshadow many of the things I used to enjoy. I experience no excitement, no passion. I can calm myself down and find some peace, but it's limited.

I've given up alcohol and caffeine for years, no recreational drugs or cigarettes ever, I eat way healthier than ever. I've at times played a lot of video games and watched a lot of TV, but have given these things up for months at a time to try and remain more in the present moment, and go for hikes, meditate etc. 

I've gone to therapy but it wasn't of much use. I've tried socialising more. I've also stopped jerking off and watching porn regularly, and have only done these things occasionally for many years now.

Sometimes this has helped and I've felt a bit better, but nothing ever seems to really fully resolve the issue. I can only manage it.

I admit I didn't at one point live the healthiest lifestyle, but for years now I've been much healthier.

Did something happen to my brain chemistry that is now irreparable? I feel like at times I've found some peace, but nothing I do seems to resolve this shit.

And at times I feel like it has gotten worse.

The only thing I've not really tried is anti-depressants/other drugs.

Could this just be permanent and I have to accept having very limited peace/happiness in my life?

To me, it sounds as if most of what you've tried as solutions for finding joy are to remove basic pleasures and add regiments.  You're not accepting responsibility for the results of your own actions;  you're draining the color out of your own life.  The question is, how and why are you doing this to yourself?  Have you explored your emotions for hidden bitterness or resentment?  Do you have a troubled past, or unresolved traumas?

[Yimpa]

On 1/4/2024 at 8:40 AM, ZenAlex said:

Could this just be permanent and I have to accept having very limited peace/happiness in my life?

Did something happen to my brain chemistry that is now irreparable? I feel like at times I've found some peace, but nothing I do seems to resolve this shit.

Could this just be permanent and I have to accept having very limited peace/happiness in my life?

It is possible to challenge these questions, but that would requiring facing your fears head-on; not focusing all your attention on rationalizations.

[SeaMonster]

No, it's almost certainly not permanent.

I would say meditating and going on hikes may be insufficient and you may need more vigorous physical activity (like team sports, or at least running/biking.)

I wouldn't be able to function mentally/emotionally without basketball e.g.  I would suggest picking a sport and building up to an hour every other day.

[Ulax]

IFS therapy, IFS therapy, IFS therapy

[Rigel]

Do you have hobbies? What do you do for fun when your work is all said and done? And what is your work like? Do you like it? Can you find something better if not?

Try knitting, skiing, boxing, running, playing music, dancing, cooking, growing plants, making miniature ships inside bottles, anything really. If you don't like it, try something else. You are bound to fall in love with something at some point. Don't fall in the trap of making your entire life about self-help. Meditation is great and clearing your lifestyle of addictions & such(like you seem to be doing already) is great but you also gotta do stuff. Life is here for you to participate in it. The renunciate path is not for the vast majority of people.

You can enjoy a cup of coffee or a glass of wine sometimes in moderation(If you like it). You don't need to try to be holier than you are. I love coffee. Am I addicted? Maybe. Who gives a shit? Live your life.

Go have a chat with your parents and tell them you love them. The world will give back what you put into it. If you put negativity in the world you'll be hit with negativity over the head until you learn to let that shit go. I know how hard it is, I am just being blunt with you here.

You are not broken. You merely think you are. Go out and have a chat with some homeless people. That is misery you cannot comprehend.

Edited January 7 by Rigel

[Rigel]

On 2024-01-04 at 9:40 AM, ZenAlex said:

On 2024-01-04 at 9:40 AM, ZenAlex said:

The only thing I've not really tried is anti-depressants/other drugs.

 

This is false. You will literally never run out of things to try.

[Yimpa]

Looks like MDMA is on its way to be legalized for the treatment of PTSD thanks to the FDA. https://www.cnn.com/2023/12/12/health/fda-mdma-ptsd/index.html

Enjoy some MDMA, then go to your local YMCA and together host a PB&J party. 

[Schizophonia]

There are plenty of strategies to reverse depression, including pharmacological ones.

[NoSelfSelf]

As long as you fight to get better its never permanent, you asking this is not a good mindset never give up on yourself.

[ZenAlex]

On 05/01/2024 at 10:26 PM, TheCloud said:

To me, it sounds as if most of what you've tried as solutions for finding joy are to remove basic pleasures and add regiments.  You're not accepting responsibility for the results of your own actions;  you're draining the color out of your own life.  The question is, how and why are you doing this to yourself?  Have you explored your emotions for hidden bitterness or resentment?  Do you have a troubled past, or unresolved traumas?

I don't think I am. In fact I've discovered beauty by changing my life. 

I've gone to therapy and saw a psychologist and I went into depth with everything that has happened, they didn't offer anything practical for me to do.

I don't have any trauma that Im aware of. It's just a feeling of numbness and unease.

[Gabriel Joy]

On 2024-01-04 at 9:40 AM, ZenAlex said:

Around 2015, a switch flipped inside of me one day. Since then, I've felt by default way more flat emotionally, and in a state of regular unease for more often that seems to overshadow many of the things I used to enjoy. I experience no excitement, no passion. I can calm myself down and find some peace, but it's limited.

I've given up alcohol and caffeine for years, no recreational drugs or cigarettes ever, I eat way healthier than ever. I've at times played a lot of video games and watched a lot of TV, but have given these things up for months at a time to try and remain more in the present moment, and go for hikes, meditate etc. 

I've gone to therapy but it wasn't of much use. I've tried socialising more. I've also stopped jerking off and watching porn regularly, and have only done these things occasionally for many years now.

Sometimes this has helped and I've felt a bit better, but nothing ever seems to really fully resolve the issue. I can only manage it.

I admit I didn't at one point live the healthiest lifestyle, but for years now I've been much healthier.

Did something happen to my brain chemistry that is now irreparable? I feel like at times I've found some peace, but nothing I do seems to resolve this shit.

And at times I feel like it has gotten worse.

The only thing I've not really tried is anti-depressants/other drugs.

Could this just be permanent and I have to accept having very limited peace/happiness in my life?

I think what your lacking is a life purpose. Right now it seems that everything in your life is aligned except a grand over-arching, inspiring life purpose for everything you do. Therefore, I believe that you need to find one, whatever it may be.

I think it's hard for you to stay motivaited as you don't have a vision, or purpose to keep up the healthy habits, but you still do them (most of the time) because you know it's the right thing to do.

Note: Treat this as food for thought and I encourage you to come up with your own conclusions as I don't know your life as much as you do.

[ted73104]

You're in a state of regression, plus in a bit of fight and flight mode. The switch that flipped back in 2015 is what caused this. 

You probably lived up to something before 2015, however your mindset back then could not sustain your dreams and so when your efforts get constantly undermined by reality, you suffer psychologically.

You were then depressed for a while, but afterwards you wanted to change. You got a healthier lifestyle, you found beauty during the process of changing youself. You took therapy and went into depth about what really happened in your life. 

You are ready and what you only need to do now is to turn on the switch that you turned off back in 2015. You're in a mode of defense because your body doesn't want to experience the pain of fallout again. However a main part of life is experiencing loss and pain. Where there is something great that you want, there always will be a possibility you never achieve this dream. When you pursue what you really want in life, there will be a time where you fail non-stop. That will hurt and may even cut you deep, but whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. And you are strong enough to endure that process until you transform. The only question now is are you willing to turn on the switch now and start feeling PAIN again.

[meta_male]

22 hours ago, ZenAlex said:

I've gone to therapy and saw a psychologist and I went into depth with everything that has happened, they didn't offer anything practical for me to do.

What type of therapy was this? Have you looked into IFS? IFS targets your direct experience.

[Ulax]

Here's my take.

Take the approach that there is no failure only feedback. Keep experimenting with everything you can, and see what helps. Then keep reminnding yourself of the mastery curve and to be patient. Also, keep researching on the subject.

If you do that, I think you will eventually work it out.

 

[theleelajoker]

Quote

Don't fall in the trap of making your entire life about self-help

Rigel made a good point IMO, happened to me. When I realize that I'm in this trap again, I do my best to focus on the following question when I wake up:

"How can I make this a good day for me?"

Careful not to pressure yourself into unrealistic expectations (like "this will be a good day if I resolve all the problems I had for months") but to focus on what is good and what you can do, best case what you can do right now.

 

 

[ZenAlex]

Seeing a psychologist right now. 

Have done therapy twice already, but this time I'm paying for it. 

Still no alcohol/caffeine.

Still meditating daily. Still keeping track of my thoughts.

Still perfecting diet. 

Will consider signing up for IFS therapy. According to my psychologist the waiting list for IFS in UK is 2 years, but maybe I can find an online course.