Boyfriend being too cheap

[Barbella]

Hi! I'd really appreciate your perspective on my situation.

I've been dating my bf for 3 years and I honestly love everything about him and our relationship except that he's being too cheap with me.

He's 26, living with his parents after college and is helping them with their business, but he used to have a job and has a lot of money in his savings.

I'm 24, moved back with my parents after I graduated college last year and I'm working on my business and being independent.

 

For the first year of our relationship he used to prefer we split 50/50 or he pays one time and I pay the next, even though I was a student and he was earning a lot of money and living with no expenses with his parents. He even used to take money from me for gas on vacations or one time on our vacation he wanted to go to a fancy restaurant, he chose the restaurant and I paid for everything. (which was really weird since he insisted we go)

After that I told him how I felt about it and that I'm not happy in our relationship when he counts every penny and isn't generous about my situation. He told me he understands and that he doesn't mind paying more.

Well, it changed but only for a bit. 

We rarely ever go out as we're both introverts and prefer to have dates at home, but I can still see his cheapness in some situations. For example when I was at his house, I saw he has some chocolate and I asked him if I can have it, and he told me no because it's too expensive and that I can have cheaper one. I was honestly so hurt by that. (chocolate is like 4$)

Or one time I was feeling bad and he came to my house to cheer me up, and he came with one dessert (literally pancakes for one person) and told me how he got me that to cheer me up but he wants to eat it too so we shared it. (which was so odd, that's like 4$ and he couldn't get us both) Even after the chocolate situation he told me how he understands why I'm hurt and he wasn't supposed act that way, and that he hasn't got me anything in a while except those pancakes one time (he thinks he did a nice thing and he sees no problem with sharing one dessert)

Or we rarely go to the cinema (like twice a year) and when we decided to go one time he told me ''I'll buy us some snacks at the supermarket and you get the tickets''. 

I'd say this behavior is mostly seen when it comes to giving and money, however sometimes I also wish he acted more like a gentleman in other situations. For example he criticizes me that I don't know how to carry my skis (he wouldn't think of helping me), or one time we were at the gym together and I was putting some heavy weights on a barbell, and he asked me if I needed help and I said no, and one guy heard our conversation and came up to me and helped me without saying anything. 

I've realized we have this incompatibility and I don't know what to do about it. It's such a turnoff for me. I love him, but I realized that I really want to be in a relationship with a guy that acts more generous and more like a gentleman. Helping me, not minding paying. I realized that it's really important for me to feel protected in that way. 

However, I really don't want a guy to splurge on me and I'm generally not attracted to expensive luxury items (I'm more stage green than orange). 

I don't know what to do as I really love him and think he's a great guy, but when I think of a future with him it scares me. 

Edited January 3 by Barbella

[tenfo]

This a tricky one..

I know few people like that and from what I've seen, they never change no matter how much their financial situation improves.

One of these guys was recently complaining how he had to pay most of the money to cover his fathers funeral and I was shocked that he used this situation and turned in into a talk about money.. So I think there is a deeper problem, he might have developed some trauma from the times when he had no money so now he's too careful about it and almost insecure. Try to bring this idea to him and see if he's open to the possibility that this might be the case or even therapy to work on this issue.. 

Generosity is a really masculine trait so I understand why you would get turned off by that, so give it some more time and in the meanwhile work on yourself to figure out if this would be a dealbreaker for you.

[Leo Gura]

I used to be very cheap (still am), so I understand this situation well.

First, you have to understand his POV. If someone is that cheap it's probably for good reason. He probably has trauma around money in his past. Or he's being very cheap to save that money for some important higher goal, like starting a business or taking care of his parents. So it's good to ask him where his cheapness comes from and what positive function it serves in his mind. Try to understand the deep psychological reasons why he's cheap by talking about it with him.

Second, in order to get him to change, you have to get him to see how being cheap can be positive but also negative when taken too far. He needs to see how cheapness backfires on him. Specific examples are necessary here. For example, cheapness could cost him his girlfriend. Cheapness can actually cost him more money in the long-term. Cheapness could strain his relationships. Cheapness could ruin his reputation. Etc. If he truly becomes aware of this, then he will be motivated to change his behavior.

Thirdly, it's important for a man especially to see that part of what it means to be a good man is to be generous with your resources. A good man is generous and not too fearful about resources because he is confident he can earn more. So actually, cheapness detracts from being a strong man. This is a deep point which he is missing. Saving $4 on chocolate is not worth the hit he takes to his manhood. If he can see this, he will start to change. Something a man should aspire to is to become so abundant in resources that he never again has to worry about sharing them freely with loved ones.

You can discuss all these things with him and see his reactions. If he has a lot of trauma around money he might be stubborn about seeing these deeper points I made, and he might need some years to see the light and start making corrections.

The key thing for him to understand on this point is that it's not about money, it's about generosity. Generosity is worth more than money.

The bottom line is that your BF is not conscious of all these subtle points, thus his cheapness continues.

Edited January 3 by Leo Gura

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPl1dvZ_b3Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALuxgQfkJls

Edited January 3 by Raze

[Applegarden8]

I have a similar problem but for different aspect. I am too straight edge/overdo things overcheck things so that I can conclude that something really happened this way or was done therefore I work "slower". There is a deep psychological reason for that. I had grandparents who both told me that what I do is wrong and after failing them in some small things they basically bullied me. Due to this I have some sense of uncertainty and I just don't want to fail, therefore I will do everything in my power to make sure I don't, hence why this reason. Even if everything is going great, I expect the worst usually. This is not healthy, as well as for your bf. It's very similar pattern. I understand him very well.

[Leo Gura]

4 hours ago, Barbella said:

I saw he has some chocolate and I asked him if I can have it, and he told me no because it's too expensive and that I can have cheaper one.

Haha!

I love this.

Edited January 3 by Leo Gura

[Schizophonia]

At no time do you say that you reproached him

Tell him.

“Hey my love, I love you but you’re still a titanic cheapskate and that annoys me, what blah blah blah”

Edited January 3 by Schizophonia

[Princess Arabia]

Why should he change. You're accepting it. You've not spoken up about it enough so he doesn't see any reason to be any different. It's the same kind of concept as "if it's not broke don't fix it". You're sending him a message and he is delivering. Not saying your message made him the way he is, but the message is I love you no matter what. 

The problem is, I believe, (and please don't take this the wrong way and i also could be wrong as I'm not an expert in this field), you don't value yourself. You don't think you're worthy of these things that you want or feel worthy. You think you do, but you don't. Another thing could be you don't want to come off as needy, you like to be and feel independent. In relationships and sexual partners, though, all that masculine energy flies out the window. In women, it doesn't want this kind of dynamic in a close, intimate and sexual relationship. It (energy) wants to feel protected and provided for; it wants to be on the receiving end which is the opposite for masculine energy, that wants to be on the giving end, hence sexual intercourse and it's design. The man gives, the woman receives. 

He is fearful of something, maybe fear of losing money or being broke, don't know his history and your fear is losing him. That's what's keeping you together, it's a match, but it's not healthy. That's why you're here. You don't feel loved. He loves you, but he also loves what he fears. What he's attached to. It's energetic. 

I'm not sure how to solve this problem as I've never been in this situation. I've only done these kinds of things in platonic relationships, not intimate or sexual. I never even had to ask or try to change this aspect in any of them, it just came naturally, maybe I just don't attract those types, idk. My problems with men are usually insecurity issues where they don't feel good enough, especially the ones in the past who didn't have much but I wanted to be with anyway for whatever reasons. Men usually feel like they never have enough even if you try to assure them that they are enough, but that's just their competitive nature.

I would suggest you slowly hint at it. E.g. Honey, could you bring some chocolate for both us, but I love chocolate so much I could eat the whole bar so get one for you too. Or. Sweetheart, this bag is heavy could you carry it for me as I need my strength for us tonight, or baby, I would love to see this movie, can we go and conveniently leave your money or cards at home. Train him. Get him used to being this way. Make him see where it serves him to be more generous towards you and he will appreciate you more. Hope this helps. I'm not an expert, but sometimes one thing somebody says may be enough to make a difference.

 

 

 

[gettoefl]

there are two types of cheap, low income and low savings so context is needed ... the first he has no choice but to treat you thus the second he is prioritizing for the future

second thing about judgement is all judgement is relative to who i am, if x is cheap then y is careless so this all says as much about you as him

[Girzo]

5 hours ago, Barbella said:

I saw he has some chocolate and I asked him if I can have it, and he told me no because it's too expensive and that I can have cheaper one.

What the... Haha, girl if you really love him then do help him. He needs to get rid of that, I am a male and that would be even a turn-off for me.

The dessert sharing I would understand if the goal was to leave some empty place in stomach because in an hour you are go grab some more to eat.

I don't know. I would tell him every time he does that immediately and never listen to his talking that your reaction was inappropriate. It's very appropriate to point this out to him and it's great if he feels bad or guilty, how else is he going to change this behavior? He needs to start thinking about it a little bit. You should have some deep conversations to explore this topic for sure.

[Bobby_2021]

Cheapness alone isn't a problem. But he should be a little more considerate. I would rather not eat ice-cream and be cheap but feed her. Taking care of others is a big thing here.

Even from my childhood I never anything infront of anyone but my family. If someone comes to my home while I am eating something, either I stop eating altogether or eat only after offering it to them 

[Leo Gura]

@Bobby_2021 If someone comes to your home, what you do is go in the other room and eat a  lobster, then you come out and make them a cup of ramen noodles.

[Ash55]

8 hours ago, Barbella said:

For the first year of our relationship he used to prefer we split 50/50 or he pays one time and I pay the next, even though I was a student and he was earning a lot of money and living with no expenses with his parents. He even used to take money from me for gas on vacations or one time on our vacation he wanted to go to a fancy restaurant, he chose the restaurant and I paid for everything. (which was really weird since he insisted we go)

if i did that to my ex she would kill me, its not that i would but damn am actually not crazy my ex demanded so much out of me and she didn't even want to wash the dishes, she made me feel am crazy and am cheap and am incompetent but hearing the stories that i can read here and from my friends i was defiantly with the wrong person 
 

 

8 hours ago, Barbella said:

We rarely ever go out as we're both introverts and prefer to have dates at home, but I can still see his cheapness in some situations. For example when I was at his house, I saw he has some chocolate and I asked him if I can have it, and he told me no because it's too expensive and that I can have cheaper one. I was honestly so hurt by that. (chocolate is like 4$)

i bought my ex the best chocolate and cake for her birthday am not saying that to brag am just heart broken and confused,  but she was like after a while that nothing happened her way and am bad person she treated me really badly too, apparently i was with a really abusive girl and that fucked me up real time

 

 

8 hours ago, Barbella said:

For example he criticizes me that I don't know how to carry my skis (he wouldn't think of helping me), or one time we were at the gym together and I was putting some heavy weights on a barbell, and he asked me if I needed help and I said no, and one guy heard our conversation and came up to me and helped me without saying anything. 

he is not reading you well its not too hard to do that for me now but i struggled to read girls before except my ex i used to read her like a book even if she is not next to me, i learned to be more a tuned to other people by paying close attention to her/them 

probably my ex had serious daddy issue her father was severely abusive and that abusive translate to me am not an angle too, am trying to heal my self so i can stop attracting extremely dysfunctional girls lol

@Barbella after filling the post with my drama my previous relationship made me i start studying relationships more seriously, so what i suggest
i think you should make him understand women more by having a serious conversation with him and maybe watching videos like these and explain to him how you feel

communicate what is important for you if you can see incompatibility after that take notice imo, i really like teal video workablity vs compromise, i never had a successful relationships i came from warzones in Syria but i learned the more you find your self needing to compromise the more a relationship gonna be dysfunctional

 

 

[Ash55]

8 hours ago, Barbella said:

We rarely ever go out as we're both introverts and prefer to have dates at home, but I can still see his cheapness in some situations. For example when I was at his house, I saw he has some chocolate and I asked him if I can have it, and he told me no because it's too expensive and that I can have cheaper one. I was honestly so hurt by that. (chocolate is like 4$)

its a difficult situation for a man to be in, i might try saying id love to pay you that but lets keep it for later if its outside my budget and ill make room for it later and make it a surprise,


i fucked up last time but again my ex didn't show me her real personality till i invested so much money in her then she start being abusive, maybe am the fucked up person but i treated her with respect and love

anyway good luck with your partner

[Girzo]

4 hours ago, Ash55 said:

its a difficult situation for a man to be in, i might try saying id love to pay you that but lets keep it for later if its outside my budget and ill make room for it later and make it a surprise,

It's not a difficult situation  Absurd is the word you are looking for. 

The man clearly needs to learn when to be stingy and when generous, when to be cocky and when to be sweet. Some balance in general.

You Ash55 also should learn some male advice, because even old basic pick-up books have advice on how not to end up in your abusive situation. 

[universe]

In a traditional relationship a man would be happy to buy things for you and be generous.

So either you don't have a traditional relationship (ie. you are more in your masculine energy and he may be leaning more to the feminine) or there is something else going on.

1) 5 Love Languages: Everyone has different love languages, talk about them and understand your and your partners love language.

2) The issue is his relationship with money in general. If he is strict with his money and cheap in general, of course he will project the same on you. Or as others have mentioned, like trauma or saving for a specific cause.

3) It could also be, that he is not happy with something in the relationship and that is what is making him decide not to spend on you on purpose. But then he would switch from generous to cheap, back and forth in different phases.

Edited January 4 by universe

[Hojo]

I am cheap because I have money trauma. He could be scared of not having money and spending habits can be differently formed in the mind. Tell him he will die someday having worked for all this money not enjoyed any of it and just survived. I also like how you say that you have money insecurities and you are using him to solve them.You want him to solve his money insecurities so you can solve your money insecurities. Just tell him its not attractive because you want to have fun and not fight on everything and you can see a future where you will have to fight to have fun.

Edited January 4 by Hojo

[Bobby_2021]

13 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Bobby_2021 If someone comes to your home, what you do is go in the other room and eat a  lobster, then you come out and make them a cup of ramen noodles.

That is an acceptable response, but it comes at cost of scarring your soul.

[Spiral]

Splitting the bill is one thing not sharing chocolate is another. I don’t stay if a girl did that

[sholomar]

My father has this cognitive dissonance where he will tell me I need to stop being so cheap and open up my wallet more when it comes to entertainment (eating out, vacations) such as spending $130 during a single night to eat at a restaurant multiple times per month, but then he'll shower at the gym so he can save $5-10/month on water and electricity, always saying that it's "free" to shower somewhere else. He's always had this complex about keeping the thermostat too high in the winter, lol, which enough men have that family guy made a meme out of it. I suppose we all have these personality quarks and it's easier to see them in others than ourselves. I'd rather take nice long showers at home and cook my own meals. I save more money in the end. 

 

Cheap is an ego program, just like blowing money to live in the moment because you can't take it with you is an ego program. Relationships are about two egos learning to grow together, and hopefully each ego can be somewhat flexible to the needs of the other, to come to a healthy balance. If not, maybe the relationship needs to be ended.  The trick is self awareness and willingness to change. Inflexibility is a relationship killer in my opinion, unless a woman is willing to submit to the man's frame and have no mind of her own (or vice versa) , which I suppose can work.

That said, a sticking point of mine is when women expect men to be mind readers. If something's on your mind that bothers you with your man, tell him point blank. Don't expect him to "just know" and then resent him when he doesn't. Men's brains are wired to see a problem and then fix it, but they often don't have the intuitive awareness to just "know" there is a problem. He asked you if you needed help. You said no, and then resent him for not helping. Sigh.  My biggest growth comes from when other men call me out on my bullshit so I can change. If I'm not called out on it, I'm not going to be able to change that easily because it's hard to see one's own flaws sometimes.  As a man, I NEED that honest feedback. Sometimes I'll stomp around for a while when I'm called out, but when I realize I'm in the wrong I'll adjust accordingly, and am better off in the end for the candid feedback. Of course not all men are able to take their egos getting bruised and grow from the experience.  Those are the ones you break up with.

 

Edited January 4 by sholomar