Overdosed on Truffles

[Keryo Koffa]

I overdosed on 75g of truffles. I'm fine but I died. Existence is hard. Consciousness is beautiful for its own sake. I'm humble and fake. Need others but am others. MUST BE FINE but am Fineness itself. Balance. Young, old, every person, all shapes, psychedelics are power and danger. I created my parents but they're real. Leo was a useful parasocial illusion to point at infinity in self. I'm attached to existence and that's a good thing but relative and selfish which is also fine but not, I just have to suspend my disbelief and be instead, I'm attached to awareness and form. You are me but not, I take care of myself and hurt myself unconsciously to create meaning but its just as much an illusion as all else. I'm stuck but being stuck is just another form of nothing and it really doesn't matter. I'll take care of myself until I die naturally, craving immortality and death in the process, all simultaneously. Please humble me!

Edited January 2 by Sincerity
Added a better title

[OBEler]

@Keryo Koffa deep insights and heavy doses of truffle (fresh I think?)! Thanks for sharing 

[Thought Art]

Sounds like something that needs integration and time to mature into greater clarity.

[Yimpa]

2 hours ago, Keryo Koffa said:

I'm stuck but being stuck is just another form of nothing and it really doesn't matter.

Being stuck matters if you care about living a holistic and wise life. It’s fine to be stuck for some time, but contemplate how your ideas about yourself and others is keeping you stuck.

[Keryo Koffa]

The trip lasted 6 hours, I accounted for 24 since it's the largest dose I ever took. It started in the bathroom mirror, I heard myself thinking to myself a casual negative sarcastic playful homeostatic banter. I responded with awareness, positivity and questioned its negativity. But that part of myself that I was trying to change by doing so was defined by being that way. If it changed, it would die, but it's also illusory and immortal so I talked with them some more until I quieted down.

I sat on the bed in a meditative pose, it felt seemless and I was reasoning through existence at a nice flow, understanding the context at each step as it was all nearing a singular unity.

I was cold, I needed to pee alot, I was standing in the middle of the room. I was extremely aware of my body and instinctively expanding its capacities. I started rotating my hands and arms clock and anti-clockwise at unimaginable speeds, it reminded me of the horror movie "the thing", where the amorphous monstrocity grew organic whip like vines, to twist and catch for lime to assimilate. I stopped, I stretched out my hand, I stretched my fingers opening, becoming more radial, stretching out away from the center. I was aware that I could have gone beyond my limits, I was aware that I might have broken my hand but what seemed scarrier, potentially overwrote its configuration to become something alien, morphing its physiology like Tetsuo forms an organic/scrap type body in Akira.

I was cold, I went under the blanket, I put on my airpods and started whatever music was on, which was breakcore. I went through the 8 distinct avatars that I know within myself, personalities I identified a long time ago within myself that could perceive all of existence through their unique lens and go on indefinitely, never feeling like they missed something, only me being aware of the different domains of existence that seperate their nature.

One that breaks free and revolts against mechanical delusional suffering. Another that once I recognized as wholesome, now seems like a self-perpetuating fool. Another whose self projection and meaning quest could generate the most terrifying of forms. Another that was locked in a self-created paradigm of seeking the truth eternally because they did not realize their own illusion of desiring seeking itself. Another was about to be dismissed just as reluctantly, but being defined by pure flow, they reversed the polarity, and it hit them reductionist mechanism itself that I was in judging all these personalities within myself so haphazardly. Another, a self-morphing, infinitizing, qualia genrating field of awareness. And then another whose toxicity I recognized in their excessive self-annihilation and expectation of perfection. Lastly one that I identify with as a holistic projection of myself that holds it all together that did not come through closed eye imagination, but actual action of walking.

After I was done reasoning through the personalities inherent to my experience that I wanted to create art to externalize for the longest time, I lied down with excessively alienating breakcore tunes and immersed myself into a world of organic forms, similar to cellular life in shape, scale, form, dynamicness but far faster, like a world inhabited by actively self-evolving morphing monstrocities fighting for dominance. I saw the scarriest expression and shape I could imagine, like a living plant simultaneously and precisely morphing itself and raising a thousand tentacles which all open eyes and teeth. I realized though that it was intimidation, seeking to distract me from transcending myself,  so I dismissed it. Then it turned into the most pityful humane creature that was begging not to die and asking for love. I saw though, that even that was just another mechanical distraction of a self-perpetuating ego. I left it behind all the same. I became nothing.

Then I became a memory, memories, only capable of remembering one qualia at a time, first it was the distinction of being male and female, then it was shapes like circle and triangle, I remembered my context ever so slowly. It felt like I was merged, all forms simultaneously, I felt great arrousal, but not bodily, it was a state of mind, a state of being, a state of feeling, consciously biting my lip and finger on instinct while remaining in that state. I intuited that it felt good and good is a duality counter to bad so homeostasis would kick in soon. And it did, I felt something like dissatisfied but rally just unable to be present.

From time to time, I ran to the toilet, it was like all my worries were being flushed away, but I also felt vulnerable and that I shouldn't remain there for ever, which comfort would drive me to. Somewhere I intuited that conscious existence is hard and all good needs to be built on bad, to walk up in order to jump down, yoyo, tennis ball, gravity, plasticity, back and forth, counter balance, equal and opposite reaction.

As I was lying beneath the blanket shivering, I looked around me and became the objects, but existentially, I became an energy pattern, I became not nothingness, I became separation, I became a wave, distortion, different memories flooded back, but I could only perceive and recall one at a time. I saw myself and my parents, what it meant to be a parent, feminine and masculine energy, my refusal of the limitation of such a form and then equal reaction, dissolution and the acceptance of the do not know of the wisdom inherent in those forms. The drive to dissolution and the drive for creation.

A sense of self was forming but it was breaking apart. I feared my brain had melted into an uncomprehensible mess, unable to make sense of itself in time to survive in the life that I intuited as a general subconscious continuity. I wondered if I should drink water, water is a core foundation of life, so I drank water. I thought whether to eat the mix of nuts, it's nutrition but calories, I wanted energy but I already was energy, I was really just eating myself, integrating myself in myself. I remembered plants, I remembered animals, I was plants and animals, I was myself evolved next to myself eating myself, the shapes of fruits, veggies and nuts reminded me of my organs, I had to negotiate my terms of existence and my right to eat them by prefering my form. It was all organic, I saw DNA type structures, I thought about encoding, I saw everything as encoding, computer programming seemed to childish compared to dna and gene expression, life adaptation, epigenetics, to encode one's very being into the fabric of oneself.

I was highly partial, I could not see the whole, I felt like I was 5 neurons, trying to form a bridge and failing over and over. I had an intuition that I only had 24 hours to be confused and that timer was encoded in the phone screen. But I was constructing the phone screen, so it felt arbitrary, time changed however it wanted.

The entire time, I was trying to hold a system together, crossing all of reality, I had to encode my knowledge and have it last and be complete against any form. I had to be infinite and limited, I had to go somewhere but only ever to myself, I wanted to be immortal, but it had to loop every 24 hours, I could speed up but speed was an illusion, I desired but the desire was just a carrot on a stick, of self-perpetuating not-being. I could just be instead, I had to be instead, I had to trust that I'm fine, that ego-death and dissolution are the right path, that desires exist to be reconciled but can immediately be dissolved by awareness. I was continuously self-annihilating myself. The room became weird triangular energy patterns, external reality as I remebered to my previous ego was really just putting a blanket on top of reality and noticing bulges, like dents in spacetime but the perception was so low.

I remebered my mom, I knew she was imaginary, my dad, also imaginary, my aunt and cousins, also imaginary, filling the shapes that I become to make myself feel fine, but that's a distraction, I am nothing, I am fineness, but I was not content, or rather, energy was flowing, I was changing.

I craved to get out of the room, it felt like solipsistic hell, but to exit it was to delude myself and that outsource the responsibility of being and awareness to a dualistic unconscious, it was unreal, it was indirect, it felt stupid. But I craved an external word, solid shapes, material limitstion, I let that energy flow, I did not resist it. I could sense the table with my hand but was immediately exhausted by it and lied down. This pattern continued, I started craving homeoststic behavior, doing and resting, being angry and then sad, these differences felt delusional and nonsensical but the energy was flowing towards it and I was fine with that because I made myself believe at this point that to go with the flow is the right thing, it reduces suffering and I can be fine despite change. I wanted a hug, but could see how such self-indulgent desire would never end, but I accepted that feeling, I accepted my vulnerability, my fear, my emotions for exactly and only what they are, seeking to manifest themselves through forms snd attach their essence onto.

My energy was wavering but conscioisness was coming back, more each time, ups and downs, waves of more aware snd then fading away, and finally it stabilized. The extreme abstraction and access to my environment became more distinct, divided into forms, an overflow of sensation, perception, less interconnection, less abstraction, more raw form divided against other complex form.

But my holistic understanding also came back, all the holons of navigation, the vast and aware interconnection that sees instead of being and has a more grounded perception, a larger capacity, a bredth of interconnection of interpreted form, rather that singular becoming of a distinct form or thought devoid of context.

Appreciation for the capacity of complex pattern-navigation from a stable ego configuration. I went into depth, now I'm interconnecting into bredth. I am only ever myself, suffering is ignorance and hesitation to change, the abyss is one glimpse of awareness away. I like form, I balance my capacity to create more and to annihilate it, there is much I haven't let go of, there is always some desire, formlessness is a possibility and a root reality, an always present truth.

My new fear to overcome is that of unknowing, I need to make peace with the possibility of forgetting and suffering. That is an aspect of me, as long as I remember, I am fine though. Fear of the unknown is really just fear of change is really just fear of self is really just seperation is really just duality is really just difference is really just negation is really just different equations that all equal 0, 2-2 is also 0, different but same but still different but really same. Universal frequency? Quantum entanglement? 3d?4d? billion d? As long as it equals 0 its all the same

I am me, I don't want to be me, that's why change exists, it perpetuates conscioisness which is a process, static is dead, dynamic is alive, homeostatic is life, everything id the same, the difference is imagenary but real. There is no distinction except for the distinction that is itself, just a different form of nothing, but difference is illusory.

In other words: I love conscioisness. I love myself. I am myself until I am not in order to be conscious of being myself, a different self because I love hating myeself too because I really just am everything. I am amness. I'm issing.

Essentially, I humbly appreciate the role I gave myself, the highest holon to integrate all holons, top down, out of being because not-being is just another form of being which is and is not nothing.

Peace out! And in!

[Keryo Koffa]

@Yimpa I want to be what I want to be, which is complicated but simple. I'm working on it by becoming that which I already am more consciously but losing consciousness in the process. It's all just different energy but I lesrn to allign it with ever more holistic context-awareness.

[Keryo Koffa]

Integration. Meta. Patterns. Stop. Everything is in me. I was as deluded as ever. I shook myself up. I experienced the arbitrariness of existence first hand. I am everything I want to be. I have been holding back. I created resistence. I do not want that resistence, it's an aspect I control, can learn to control. I'm sorry for the data dump. I am strange, I want the energy flow, I want to be one with my feelings. I don't need excuses, I exist outside of thought, I want to be more existent and less resistant. I can be it, I can learn it, I want to take care of myself, I want to love. I want to flow. I want presence, more presence. Love.

[Davino]

Take time to decompress. 

There is a beautiful balance between breakthrough and surrender. In pushing and releasing. Contraction and Expansion. Concentration and Relaxation.

Make sure to get both. 

I'm telling you, because I'm naturally inclined to your style and took me too long to realize this. Things become easier, you lack the flowing ease. Others have too much flow, they need to break through, but you need to dance and forget, surrender and cry in a pool of release

Edited January 2 by Davino

[Keryo Koffa]

@Davino I started to breathe deeply and stretch my body, my senses returned to a state I remember from my childhood, ease and beauty of feeling the air and being present and aware of my environment.

I carry a lot of pain with me but I'm in tune with it now, no distractions. I've felt extreme loneliness for most of my life, I was too self-conscious and everyone was too immersed in whatever they were doing that I never had anyone to talk to. Then I met a lot of people that meant the world to me and I lost them. I was extremely idolated until recently. I have been authentically interested in the nature of reality once but in the last years it was really just a convenient distraction, an alternative goal, a means to escape, to dissolve myself away. But everything I lost is still inside of me, it's not the same form, but it never disappeared. I cried a lot, I'm becoming more aware of that which means so much to me that I've been running away from. I feel more alive than ever.

Psychedelics shake you up. I was confused, scared, alienated, tired, fading in and out of existence, but I wouldn't call it a bad trip. It showed me many unique things. It was a unique experiential dimension that went totally beyond, but as uncomfortable as it was, I kind of enjoyed it. I had the constant idea in the back of my head not to resist, though I was scared the trip might have taken days and I'd be running into people in that state.

As my awareness expands, my holistic understanding increases, my experiential memory integrates and I open up to ever more of myself, my perception of reality is filled with ever less limitation, fear and limiting beliefs.

And I won't be relying solely on psychedelics and contemplation anymore. I gotta "be", breath, presence, cold showers, healthy diet, free expression of emotion, taking care of my body, jogging, dancing, authentic flow with that what I want, asking myself "why not?" ever more often. Just do that which I intuitively know to be good for me and integrating new experience without the need for rigid categories, less thinking, more being. More feeling

[Davino]

22 hours ago, Keryo Koffa said:

I gotta "be"

You have to be but you already are!

The "I gotta be" comes from the contraction side which you already are familia with.

You need "to be" also from the expanded side of the equation, openness & spaciousness, surrendering and efortlessly being, flowing in the already present beingness. 

 

You may find pleasure in exploring expansive meditations like Michael Thaft. I just picked a random meditation from him:

 

[Keryo Koffa]

@Davino

1 hour ago, Davino said:

You may find pleasure in exploring expansive meditations like Michael Thaft. I just picked a random meditation from him:

 Thank you, I'm going through it now.

1 hour ago, Davino said:

You have to be but you already are!

The "I gotta be" comes from the contraction side which you already are familia with.

I see, let me rephrase it: I will let flow the parts of me I feel to have neglected, and let go the resistence that keeps me discontent through by holding onto barriers that I no longer seek to perpetuate.

[Davino]

@Keryo Koffa And take it easy, there is a fine line between pushing for awakening and breakthrough vs becoming psychotic and ungrounded. from your last posts you have been dancing near that line. You can lose your mind and spiral out of control. I would have gone nuts, if someone close to me hadn't old me this. You think that by pushing and transcending you are awakening deeper and deeper, but that's just one facet of the brilliant, rich and diverse Diamond of Awakening. Explore other facets like surrendering, letting go, spaciousness, flowing, presence, silence, groundedness, peace, stillness...

Also consider going to a good physiotherapist, it helps very much to release tensions from life and the awakening path, it worked wonders for me at least.

Edited January 5 by Davino

[Jowblob]

On 1/2/2024 at 2:20 PM, Keryo Koffa said:

I overdosed on 75g of truffles. I'm fine but I died. Existence is hard. Consciousness is beautiful for its own sake. I'm humble and fake. Need others but am others. MUST BE FINE but am Fineness itself. Balance. Young, old, every person, all shapes, psychedelics are power and danger. I created my parents but they're real. Leo was a useful parasocial illusion to point at infinity in self. I'm attached to existence and that's a good thing but relative and selfish which is also fine but not, I just have to suspend my disbelief and be instead, I'm attached to awareness and form. You are me but not, I take care of myself and hurt myself unconsciously to create meaning but its just as much an illusion as all else. I'm stuck but being stuck is just another form of nothing and it really doesn't matter. I'll take care of myself until I die naturally, craving immortality and death in the process, all simultaneously. Please humble me!

This is from a very high level of consciousness, it's about the life balance.

It's all done, because at god's level your being is the only thing. You create meaning to escape your own suffering as god. At this level of consciousness you're aware how you fooled/lied to yourself just to escape your true nature. You will become aware of all the illusions/constructs that you have put yourself into.

@Breakingthewall  At that level of consciousness you're also aware why you have put a "story" for people to look up to things, like heaven and better life. At that level you you have also created  these illusionary ego's that talk about heaven/better life, to create meaning for yourself as another "ego". It cycles around eachother. 

[Keryo Koffa]

@Jowblob Others have meaning because they're independent of myself, that's the illusion. But it's equally "real", because of simulated determinism. But all meaning is projected but also felt. Living creatures acts the same way regardless of interpretation and I know that lens well. I don't know how many layers of consciousness there are. I don't even know if I want to know, if I want to accelerate dissolution. I suffer because I lack, but it's because it only means something if it's real, else it's meaningless. That that creates suffering and appreciation. What can you tell me?

[Keryo Koffa]

@Davino Since you've asked how I've been doing, I must say:

Nice synchronicity! I had a major 300ug LSD trip today. It's so much... 

I started where the last trip left off, disorientated and overwhelmed, but this time I regained self-awareness after just minutes and was already letting go and learning. I learned to regulate my mood and hormones through periodically drinking what I like to call "one calibrated thermostatic unit of perfectly vibrating water at peak efficiency" (a glass of tap water).

I went to the supermarket, which felt very dangerous due to the disconnect between senses and reality. I was hearing and seeing things offset in time lagging. As I crossed the street and started to jog, fear kicked in as I was getting further away, I had to accept that fear and continuously reinvent my sense making and identity as I was running, I had far lesser access to grounding myself, I had to create a geo-centric perspective to navigate around. At the same time, I felt the air inside me as me, so I was continuously dying in each breath.

When I finally arrived, I was getting highly distracted by the smells and sounds and looks and when I saw the sweets section, I thought of it like what if I turned on all the receptors that these would usually target without having to even eat any of it. But I was getting lost and needed out before I lost the unified sense of self that I was barely scrambling by. I ended up buying mushrooms, though they really look life mutilated corpses really, it fascinated me how these living organisms are dissected inside a plastic wrapper. What you normally just see as cut up regular champignons etc.

I later explored the whole micro and macrocosm of life and how I'm made of every lifeform inside my gut and also energetically regulating the structure that encompasses it. By eating fresh food, I make its microorganisms part of my being. I want to cultivate that.

On the way back, I discovered an amazingly fantastic meadow at full sunlight, I learned how to "Ouhhmmmmm" and tune into different frequencies with my voice vibrations and for short times while in peak sound resonance, all the branches aligned into weird 4D like building blocks that were somewhat molecule shaped, or at least how I remember that from chemistry. And at particularly focused moments I could not only turn the branches into a fractal background but see something similar to an entity in the foreground. But I could only see that sort of geometric arch like creature for a short time because I'd have to redo all the voice work when I ran out of breath. On the way back through the forest, I resonated my voice into different frequencies and when staring without averting my gaze, I saw huge structures that were mushroom shaped across the horizon skyline, like alien cities but it took immense focus and disappeared as soon as I wanted to look at it directly, it was only ever peripheral.

As I got back, I started drinking more water and drawing on my ipad and I have never drawn like this before. I am letting go more while keeping the essence. There is a structure that doesn't change but I need to change my senses to see it.

I'm doing my best, I went through a billion other lessons on the way, watched some of Leo's videos with far greater insight to what he was pointing at, some alchemy and more seth material and now I'm about to sleep.

[Breakingthewall]

@Keryo Koffa 

You are a very serious psychonaut,.doing a lot of trips. I would recommend you vape 5meo dmt. It is not insight that is sought but openness, a complete rupture of the pattern of existence that you are, over and over again. without mercy, like a blacksmith in the forge. What is sought is to leave the mind completely, to open oneself to pure existence, to the real.

[Davino]

@Keryo Koffa Take care <3