Uncertainty

[aclokay]

So, I've had weird relationships in the past. Never had an official girlfriend. Just dated few girls I met online. I had times where I knew a girl and it bloomed until it didn't bloom and pretty much went down the drain. I'm not sure why.

Recently I wanted to have more relationships with girls. I set out a goal for myself to have a girlfriend in 2017. And it's quarter way in and my attempts have failed miserably so far. Which confuses me A LOT. I'm trying to embrace my confusion but when it kicks in it gets everything with it. My motivation for exercise and creativity.

I spend a lot of time in my own mind, and thoughts about my need of a relationship are conflicting strongly with my fear of relationships. and I guess, my fear of failure. I'm set in my career. I'm happy having the friends I have, who I often take a moment to appreciate with all my heart. But this thing with women, gets me tangled up.

I tried looking at in a different perspective than I usually have. I didn't want to find a girl to satisfy my ego and be done with it as soon as the desire is burned out. But to let my curiosity flow in a direction of another person, which happens to be a women. I want to commit.  I want to share my emotions with somebody. I want to be supported and to support the most vulnerable state. I guess there are things I feel I can't share/do with my guy friends. 

I obsessed about self help for a while. I've read a lot of books. But I didn't find the courage to do anything besides set up an OKCupid profile, and be as honest as I can there. Unlike other profiles where I carefully crafted a profile from my most attractive perspectives. And it doesn't go well. I've chatted with a bunch, i've got the numbers of a bunch and didn't meet anyone so far.

Every time I've got to chat with a girl I liked I became really hopeful. I felt warmth in my heart. I felt desire for life and human beings. But quickly the desire was shutdown by my expectation of her. I wait for a message. I wait to be socialized with. I send a message and get my adrenaline pumping when I get an answer back. I take peaks of messages and think hundreds of times of what to respond.

Uncertainty rises. I don't know what moves me in the direction of letting my expectation smother me. I can't help but to let my, mostly healthy, self esteem shatter into pieces when someone I like begins to shut me down, or lose interest. I rationalize to myself "People are people and have their own decisions" and I chant "I'm completely independent of the good or bad opinions of others" and I meditate, and I rant, and I look my emotions directly in the eye and I run away from them I sit through them and I look at them be. But it's still painful, so why should it be?

I try to focus and the positive things that I have in my life, but it keeps coming back to this. Where is feminine counterpart in my life? Does she even exist? Am I compatible with anyone at all? If I'm aware of my thoughts and emotions, and it seems like I want a relationship, why does it not happen? Why are my efforts so small to this? 

Another thing I've got to understand recently, is that for relationships with any person, whether it's your mom, colleague girlfriend or a strangers require honesty. And I feel like I can't be honest about this topic. I feel ashamed. I feel like this is the kind of things that scares people off and I shut myself up and feel guilty about.

This feels like it's going to be a long and winding and painful road to get over these fears and insecurities and I haven't got the slightest clue. 

Let it be? Or try to improve? This one also bothers me a lot lately. Makes my association with self-help very negative one.

Thanks for reading. Have you got any advice for me? 

 

[aurum]

I'm overwhelmed just reading this post. I'm not saying you're not justified in how you feel, but you've got too much thinking going on for your own good. What you need is some delicious simplification.

1) Study up on how to get good with girls

2) Talk to girls

3) Repeat ad infinitum until you get a girlfriend or become celibate

[abgespaced]

On 4/7/2017 at 3:54 AM, aclokay said:

But I didn't find the courage to do anything besides set up an OKCupid profile

...

Another thing I've got to understand recently, is that for relationships with any person, whether it's your mom, colleague girlfriend or a strangers require honesty. And I feel like I can't be honest about this topic. I feel ashamed. I feel like this is the kind of things that scares people off and I shut myself up and feel guilty about.

Man, I really had to force myself to finish reading your post. What a long-winded rambling! You sound like a woman.

Tip #1. Stop being honest about this shit. Nobody wants to hear about your struggles. That's just an extra burden for them to carry. It's your shit not theirs. You need to learn to deal with it. Other people just want the good bits. 

Tip #2. You're feeling ashamed because your masculinity is taking a hit every time you reveal this stuff to other people. You need to trust this feeling. It is correct. Your reptilian brain is where you are feeling this shame, and it doesn't lie. Mystery is attractive and you are killing the mystery.

Tip #3. Confidence is sexy. Confidence is a direct result of doing courage. If your only courage is setting up an online profile then you're screwed. That won't build any kind of practical confidence. Like aurum said, go talk to girls in person. Get out of the house and off the computer.

[aclokay]

11 hours ago, abgespaced said:

Man, I really had to force myself to finish reading your post. What a long-winded rambling! You sound like a woman.

Tip #1. Stop being honest about this shit. Nobody wants to hear about your struggles. That's just an extra burden for them to carry. It's your shit not theirs. You need to learn to deal with it. Other people just want the good bits. 

Tip #2. You're feeling ashamed because your masculinity is taking a hit every time you reveal this stuff to other people. You need to trust this feeling. It is correct. Your reptilian brain is where you are feeling this shame, and it doesn't lie. Mystery is attractive and you are killing the mystery.

Tip #3. Confidence is sexy. Confidence is a direct result of doing courage. If your only courage is setting up an online profile then you're screwed. That won't build any kind of practical confidence. Like aurum said, go talk to girls in person. Get out of the house and off the computer.

I didn't try to be concise. I rambled "like a woman" to convey my struggle and confusion with it. 

So the first two tips basically say not to reveal my insecurities because they're uninteresting? I thought about it. But doesn't it take a hit on the your integrity? and then on your self esteem? Sometimes my insecurities are such a big part of my day that not sharing them would mean silence..and it's not a great way to socialize and interact.

And about the third, yeah of course. That's where my confusion comes. If I cared enough, I would go and talk to girls in person. But for some reason it's not happening. I don't know if it's because of fear of failure or lack of interest at all.

Thanks thought, much appreciated. 

 

 

[abgespaced]

10 hours ago, aclokay said:

Sometimes my insecurities are such a big part of my day that not sharing them would mean silence..and it's not a great way to socialize and interact.

Well then you need to find a new way to socialize. It's ok coming to a forum like this to express your insecurities and get help, or men's groups or other safe places, but for all normal social instances it is off-putting behaviour. It would be better to be silent actually. Look at Andy Warhol. One of the most seductive men in history and he hardly said a word.  

I don't know if it's because of fear of failure or lack of interest at all.

I don't think you lack interest at all. Otherwise you wouldn't have asked for help. You're just not interested in failing. But the only failure is to not try at all. Look, you just need to have one positive experience to see that the failures are worth it. 

Also, know that if you care anything for your mission in life, or your career, or having any kind of positive outcome success-wise, that your skill with women will have a huge impact on that. 

[SFRL]

@aclokay it's rare to find a girl that you completely connect with. In fact statistically most relationships are doomed to fail. That's just the way it is. Most people do have multiple hookups, flings, short-term and long-term relationships and only one will work out in the end. (Or for a while, if you also take a look at the marriage statistics).

Also to find a girl that you truly connect with is, to a degree, based on luck. Some people are more lucky then others.

So I hope this puts things in perspective for you. 

Just keep improving your life skills. (Including seducing women, but not limited to that).

That connection will happen at some point.

 

Edited April 9, 2017 by STC

[jse]

On 07/04/2017 at 0:54 AM, aclokay said:

Never had an official girlfriend

Hmmm... you need one of these:

[aclokay]

23 hours ago, jse said:

Hmmm... you need one of these:

Fuck yeah! I'll just print it, get some lube and I'm set. 

On 4/9/2017 at 4:50 AM, STC said:

@aclokay it's rare to find a girl that you completely connect with. In fact statistically most relationships are doomed to fail. That's just the way it is. Most people do have multiple hookups, flings, short-term and long-term relationships and only one will work out in the end. (Or for a while, if you also take a look at the marriage statistics).

Also to find a girl that you truly connect with is, to a degree, based on luck. Some people are more lucky then others.

So I hope this puts things in perspective for you. 

Just keep improving your life skills. (Including seducing women, but not limited to that).

That connection will happen at some point.

 

I do connect to. Very well with some people sometimes. After a while I'm confused if I want to carry on or give in to laziness. 

 

On 4/9/2017 at 4:23 AM, abgespaced said:

Well then you need to find a new way to socialize. It's ok coming to a forum like this to express your insecurities and get help, or men's groups or other safe places, but for all normal social instances it is off-putting behaviour. It would be better to be silent actually. Look at Andy Warhol. One of the most seductive men in history and he hardly said a word.  

I don't think you lack interest at all. Otherwise you wouldn't have asked for help. You're just not interested in failing. But the only failure is to not try at all. Look, you just need to have one positive experience to see that the failures are worth it. 

Also, know that if you care anything for your mission in life, or your career, or having any kind of positive outcome success-wise, that your skill with women will have a huge impact on that. 

I think I discovered something much more interesting than I expected from this! I don't know how to be silent comfortably. Or at least completely comfortable. Even with my best friends I feel discomfort when it's been silent for a long time. It confuses me and I don't know what to do so I go home or ramble about some shit. 

I'm overwhelmed just reading this post. I'm not saying you're not justified in how you feel, but you've got too much thinking going on for your own good. What you need is some delicious simplification.

1) Study up on how to get good with girls

2) Talk to girls

3) Repeat ad infinitum until you get a girlfriend or become celibate

Honestly, I read a lot recently. I just can't get step 2

 

Thank you all! 

 

Edited April 10, 2017 by aclokay

[Shin]

I'll give you a good trick I use whenever I see a girl I like:

 

Go

 

Fucking

 

Talk

 

To

 

Her

 

It works ! (well, not for me, I'm like terrible right now )

 

But in order to succeed (almost) every time, you kinda need, you know,

 

PRACTICE

 

 

@Loreena Thank you Loreena, you too

Edited April 10, 2017 by Shin

[Loreena]

2 minutes ago, Shin said:

I'll give you a good trick I use whenever I see a girl I like:

 

Go

Talk

To

Her

 

It works ! (well, not for me, I'm like terrible right now )

 

But in order to succeed (almost) every time, you kinda need, you know

 

Practice

 

Your profile luking quite cute..just sayin

[Natalya]

Here is what you need: 1. Ditch dating online. 2. Join local meetup groups. 3. Go to local events. 4. Meet people in person. Don't take online dating seriously. People will treat you just like another profile, as opposed to a human being. When you meet people in person, there is no ambiguity. Either they want to talk to you or they don't. And the best thing is these people are there to meet other people, just like you! Nothing to be afraid of and no reason to feel awkward.