My ex girlfriend described me as abrupt

[Mada_]

We broke up because eventually she would need to choose between me and her friends. I want to be a healthy, self-employed, artistic person, her friends wanted to throw parties and occasionally do cocaine. 
As soon as I started spending time with them I knew I wouldn’t be friends with them.

My girlfriend noticed this and raised it as an issue, and said her friends were like her family and I was doing the “bare minimum” if I just chose to spend time with her and not her friends. And described me drawing that boundary as ‘abrupt’, and that I don’t know her friends. 
 

I really like this description. I’ve spent lots of time with lots of different people, and as soon as I see a red flag from a new person I want to be really good as weeding them from my life. Could this go wrong for me? 
I am a genuinely accepting and compassionate person, if a homeless person asks for a coffee I will buy one for them, have a conversation with them, listen to them. I often reach out to childhood friends that are struggling with intense addiction (in rehab for heroin, meth addiction) and check how they’re going. I just won’t let these people into my intimate circle. 

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

Well, if that's the worst your ex gf has to say about you, then I'd say you are remarkably well off.

Kidding aside, from your description it just sounds like you have healthy boundaries (something that I still struggle with to a degree), which is definitely a good thing. Don't close yourself off against others or regard them as 'beneath you', but also don't be sucked into their web of BS. Maintaining a healthy distance towards unhealthy people is never wrong.

52 minutes ago, Mada_ said:

I often reach out to childhood friends that are struggling with intense addiction (in rehab for heroin, meth addiction) and check how they’re going. I just won’t let these people into my intimate circle. 

Great. Addicts are quintessential self-deceivers and bullshitters, and if you aren't careful to keep them at arm's length, they can easily draw you into their muddy swamp of half-baked lies and diversion tactics.

My own mother used to be an alcoholic, so I know how the mind of an addict works and the corrosive effect that their whole behaviour can have on those around them... it isn't too far fetched to basically regard them as being possessed by a demon that makes them think, speak and act in all sorts of (self-)destructive ways which you need to guard yourself against. So yeah, your philosophy regarding personal boundaries actually sounds very reasonable to me.

[universe]

All friends of your ex had red flags?

[Miguel1]

This is something you have to decide for yourself. How much are you willing to let pass?

No girl will be perfect, and there are compromises in every relationship.

[TheCloud]

Your approach sounds healthy the way you describe it, though it's hard to be sure when it's just one perspective.  I doubt her friends show interest in your healthy, artistic social activities, though.  Good on you for not capitulating on your values.

[Yimpa]

On 12/30/2023 at 11:59 PM, Mada_ said:

I’ve spent lots of time with lots of different people, and as soon as I see a red flag from a new person I want to be really good as weeding them from my life. Could this go wrong for me? 

Don’t limit yourself to red and green flags. Some relationships are in the yellow.

[SeaMonster]

Are you dating a Spice Girl? 

Nah, if you don't like her friends AND she insists you spend time with them, press the eject button.   No offense, but she seems like an idiot.

[BlueOak]

On 1/4/2024 at 1:46 AM, universe said:

All friends of your ex had red flags?

This is a very good point.

It sounds highly determinist. 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Determinism
Are you the kind of person that dislikes random chance? Gambling for example, or playing a game that has a % chance to do something.

It could be classed as arbitrary to do so over a group without knowing the group individually more. Unless there is an end goal you are trying to achieve and can articulate that. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arbitrariness

You are under no obligation to be friends with your girlfriend's friends, but also I would dedicate a certain amount of time to each before I could conclude that about all of them. If your girlfriend is pressuring you to be friends with her friends, that's not healthy either. You are not dating her friends, you are dating her. Set a clear boundary. A relationship is already complicated enough without relating to 5 other people for it to function. Maybe she needs reassurance that you will never get in the way of their friendship, or seek to interfere in her personal life, and the same should apply to you, you decide who your friends are. I don't know her, you know her better than I do, this is just one possible way forward.

If they did cocaine it's certainly a red flag for me. That is a substance that is reckless to use. I would let my girlfriend know that, and if she said well that's only this girl that does it. Then I might avoid that particular friend, in young social groups I used to find there wasn't more than one or two that were into drugs socially or pushing for their use. I want to distinguish it from some of the substances people do here on this forum. I don't use drugs, but I understand them to be more beneficial and less addictive than cocaine which can lead to people making stupid decisions or taking stupid actions.

Young women in groups are not the same as young women on their own, when you get to know them individually. Thusly I would never try to date 'a group of young women' as part of the relationship, because that sounds like a nightmare.

Edited January 7, 2024 by BlueOak

[Mada_]

On 1/7/2024 at 10:30 PM, BlueOak said:

This is a very good point.

It sounds highly determinist. 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Determinism
Are you the kind of person that dislikes random chance? Gambling for example, or playing a game that has a % chance to do something.

It could be classed as arbitrary to do so over a group without knowing the group individually more. Unless there is an end goal you are trying to achieve and can articulate that. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arbitrariness

You are under no obligation to be friends with your girlfriend's friends, but also I would dedicate a certain amount of time to each before I could conclude that about all of them. If your girlfriend is pressuring you to be friends with her friends, that's not healthy either. You are not dating her friends, you are dating her. Set a clear boundary. A relationship is already complicated enough without relating to 5 other people for it to function. Maybe she needs reassurance that you will never get in the way of their friendship, or seek to interfere in her personal life, and the same should apply to you, you decide who your friends are. I don't know her, you know her better than I do, this is just one possible way forward.

If they did cocaine it's certainly a red flag for me. That is a substance that is reckless to use. I would let my girlfriend know that, and if she said well that's only this girl that does it. Then I might avoid that particular friend, in young social groups I used to find there wasn't more than one or two that were into drugs socially or pushing for their use. I want to distinguish it from some of the substances people do here on this forum. I don't use drugs, but I understand them to be more beneficial and less addictive than cocaine which can lead to people making stupid decisions or taking stupid actions.

Young women in groups are not the same as young women on their own, when you get to know them individually. Thusly I would never try to date 'a group of young women' as part of the relationship, because that sounds like a nightmare.

I appreciate the initial question - basically each issue I have with her friends I reflect in my own behavior in some way. I am noticing my hypocrisy but I don't really know what to do with it. 

This boundary of "I'm dating you and not your friends" doesn't really work. That's my recent experience at least; it's too big a statement to make to her, in a way its telling her I don't trust her judgment of people. Also to a feminine woman her social circle is literally the most important thing to her in life, and I'm like "meh, I don't like it", it's like kicking over a kids Lego creation. 

One of my female acquaintances who is married told me after committing to her husband she lost like 3 friends, so perhaps if I stuck it out and just loved her through everything, everything would even out. But like I'm in my 20s, I don't know if that's the best move right now.  

[BlueOak]

@Mada_

We match and stay with people who at least on a functional level allow for a relationship to happen in the first place, and continue. If it brings us both what we are seeking. This also happens in those who enter our lives through friendship, business relationships, and even adversarially for example. If you see either the behavior directly in them that you have, or the conditions which allow the match to occur then you can decide whether that is something you want in your life or not. That is one great benefit of awareness, the choice, and realization that altering ourselves alters the reality we experience.

I understand what you are saying about a social circle. This is why any advice is highly dependent on you, her, and how you relate to each other. I find firm boundaries are helpful to my life, but of course my boundaries are not yours, What I would or wouldn't look for in a relationship, is different to someone else, and that is a choice you can make. So my reality is interacted with differently to yours, giving a different result. Still finding out what those boundaries are for you, and setting a healthy boundary whatever that is, I would advise anyone to do.

Which if I can suggest it, is possibly part of the point of this thread.

If there is one piece of advice you take away from me, it's just to find those boundaries for yourself and to be comfortable with them. It is great that you are considering her perspective too, and the wider effect on her life, and what she needs, that's very valuable in a partner if they are aware enough to appreciate it. So if it means anything feel good that you are having this pattern of thought. In your 20's these kinds of things like boundaries are still forming, and it's a process of refinement that goes on all our life. 

All the best.

Edited January 12, 2024 by BlueOak

[Mada_]

On 1/4/2024 at 0:46 PM, universe said:

All friends of your ex had red flags?

just two of them really, but they were very close friends of hers and one she chose to move in with