Will Dating Fix This Emotional Trigger Of Mine?

[lukmi]

Hey guys,

 

I am 19 years old and study at university. I had a lack of sexual and romantic experience in my past. This has been an emotional problem for me, especially in high school. I am currently on a journey of "learning how to date".

I have worries about if this will be a permanent fix of my problem. The thing is that I get emotionally triggered when I see or hear of somebody having a sexual experience, such as:

• My father tells me about his past sexual experiences
• I see some sexual action on TV / in public (like a couple, touching each other on a party)
• I hear rumours about a girl, that I was into, supposedly having made out with a guy on a party
• etc.

I am worrying about if this process that I am undertaking will solve this forever. I don't want that to be creeping up later in my life.

I am basically learning the techniques and mindsets needed to be successful with the opposite sex. I do research and then go out and apply it to see what works.

 

 

If you have a response to this worry of mine, I would appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me.

Greeting,

lukmi

[Shin]

Stop watching porn and do a nofap 90 days reboot (that will help greatly).
That would be a start, there might be others psychological issues at play though.

It's pretty weird, I mean, if people have sex, good, good for them if that makes them happy, I don't see why should we feel bizarre from it (I'm having the same issue).
Honestly, It's probably because we don't have enough experience with girls and there is still parts of our inconscious mind that still thinks sex is necessary to be happy.
When we hear that someone had sex, we feel needy and jealous (even though we know it's retarded logically).

To me it only happens when I hear people talking about sex, not when I see two people happy together (I'm even happy at this moment), which is even weirder, because that implies they have sex.

[SFRL]

@lukmi sounds like a normal mindset for a 19 year old guy who has not been with a girl yet. 

You are only 19 man. You are not exactly ahead of the pack, but still within the spectrum that would be considered normal. 

Look around you and watch out for which girls LIKE YOU. Then which one meet your standards. Those you should approach for beginners. 

Edited April 6, 2017 by STC

[lukmi]

That you for your answers!

 

Quote

[…] [T]here might be others psychological issues at play though. […]

Honestly, It's probably because we don't have enough experience with girls and there is still parts of our inconscious mind that still thinks sex is necessary to be happy. […]

I think that I believe I need love to feel happy. I think so because this statement sounds true to me, I emotionally refuse to admit that it's false and I see myself seeking for love with the girls I date.

Quote

sounds like a normal mindset for a 19 year old guy who has not been with a girl yet. 

You are only 19 man. You are not exactly ahead of the pack, but still within the spectrum that would be considered normal.

Thank you for these soothing words!

 

Quote

Look around you and which girls LIKE YOU. Then which one meet your standards. Those you should approach for beginners. 

Well, there is a girl that I could be dating right now. We almost got together in high school but I rejected her because I didn't find her attractive sexually. I know that I could be dating her since I was texting her some time ago and she would have met me if I wanted to meet her. Yet I think she is desperate.

Would putting up with her show me that being loved does not make me happy? (Pretty much like with someone who thinks getting rich makes him happy and finds out this is false when he got rich) From a strategical standpoint, this seems like it could work.

 

Edited April 6, 2017 by lukmi

[Shin]

18 minutes ago, lukmi said:

I think that I believe I need love to feel happy. I think so because this statement sounds true to me, I emotionally refuse to admit that it's false and I see myself seeking for love with the girls I date.

Well, you can and you can't.

Ultimately, what you seek, is to realize who you really are, because what you seek in love/sex, is this very moment where your world merge with the loved one, when there is no you and her, there is just love.

Problem is, this love you seek, at least this form of love, has an end, it will end for a time, and it may come back with the same person, but most people aren't patient enough. Most people will think that's it's gone forever, or that it wasn't the one, or that the person isn't acting as they should to you to experience this love.

This love is always there, but you can't feel it all the time, because love, at its core, is the realization that EVERYTHING IS YOU.

99.99% of people are blind to that right now, so unless you realize that, you'll always seek this realization through relationship and sex, which isn't bad, these are good spiritual practices, if you try to go beyond (not leaving your partner when the love is gone/using tantra sex).

It becomes less much appealing and important when you experience this kind of love, even for 0.00001% through meditation, because at this moment you'll know what you really seek (even though your mind is still dumb as fuck ).

 

Quote

Would putting up with her show me that being loved does not make me happy? (Pretty much like with someone who thinks getting rich makes him happy and finds out this is false when he got rich) From a strategical standpoint, this seems like it could work.

If you don't find her attractive, your mind will use this as an excuse if you don't develop any feelings for her, and you still won't know.

Edited April 6, 2017 by Shin

[SFRL]

30 minutes ago, lukmi said:

That you for your answers!

 

I think that I believe I need love to feel happy. I think so because this statement sounds true to me, I emotionally refuse to admit that it's false and I see myself seeking for love with the girls I date.

Thank you for these soothing words!

 

Well, there is a girl that I could be dating right now. We almost got together in high school but I rejected her because I didn't find her attractive sexually. I know that I could be dating her since I was texting her some time ago and she would have met me if I wanted to meet her. Yet I think she is desperate.

Would putting up with her show me that being loved does not make me happy? (Pretty much like with someone who thinks getting rich makes him happy and finds out this is false when he got rich) From a strategical standpoint, this seems like it could work.

 

If you don't find her at least above average attractive, like a 7/10 then don't do it. But otherwise you might want to give it a shot. 

What makes her not attractive enough? 

Edited April 6, 2017 by STC

[lukmi]

15 minutes ago, Shin said:

If you don't find her attractive, your mind will use this as an excuse if you don't develop any feelings for her, and you still won't know.

That's a very good point

 

So, it is possible to resolve that for me through realization of the Truth (with a capital T) and through the process of achieving and transcending. (By which I mean working on myself to reach my goals and then see how this is not what I was looking for)

Right?

[lukmi]

15 minutes ago, STC said:

What makes her not attractive enough? 

Sorted by priority:

1. Some facial anomalies (looks like acne or something but it does not look too severe)
2. I think she has a tough time finding a guy and that repels me (I found her to be clingy when she was around me and I saw her talking to some other guy once, which I interpreted as her trying to flirt with him. Also, I think this guy she was talking to is someone who does not have his life together.)
3. People in my social circle said they wouldn't date someone like her but I am to decide that for myself.

She is like a 3 or 4 to me.

Edited April 6, 2017 by lukmi

[SFRL]

21 minutes ago, lukmi said:

Sorted by priority:

1. Some facial anomalies (looks like acne or something but it does not look too severe)
2. I think she has a tough time finding a guy and that repels me (I found her to be clingy when she was around me and I saw her talking to some other guy once, which I interpreted as her trying to flirt with him. Also, I think this guy she was talking to is someone who does not have his life together.)
3. People in my social circle said they wouldn't date someone like her but I am to decide that for myself.

She is like a 3 or 4 to me.

Somehow I think that if I would get to rate that same girl she would not be a 3 or a 4. But if that's how you feel then don't do it. 

So the real question is then: What are you going to do now? 

Which other girls seem interested in you? 

Or what are you going to do to make more girls interested in you? 

Edited April 6, 2017 by STC

[lukmi]

2 minutes ago, STC said:

So the real question is then: What are you going to do now? 

Which other girls seem interested in you? 

Or what are you going to do to make more girls interested in you? 

I like that you ask this question. It's almost like coaching.

 

I'm in this dating journey for almost a year now. I can successfully go out at daytime and to night clubs, approach girls that I like, have conversations with them, have them liking me from the interaction, setting out intentions on what to undertake in the near future and grab their numbers.

Now, with the texting part and with actually having a meet-up, I am struggling. I'm sure that I will take care of that and what will come after it, judging from my trajectory. (Just two years ago, I was an over-weight video-game addict who didn't have the ghost of a chance with a girl, which was a big problem for me. So, this is amazing but makes my life seem surreal. I refuse to identify with the life that I am living to some extend.)

There is more research to be done and more theory to be tested. (I am currently reading Models by Mark Manson.)

 

Yet, the worrying never stops…

[Martin123]

@lukmi Been there.
WIll gaining sexual experience get rid of this trigger? No, not at all. You can try it if you want, but... haha lolz.

Root cause: Wounded inner child, blocked sacral chakra, energetical imbalance within the body.
Solution? 
Shadow-work, lots and lost of emotional releases.
May take some time, but what else is there to do.
Oh by the way on the way of resolving this if you follow the path of shadow-work and emotional wholeness thoroughly you will become uncoditionally happy content loving and very warm being... just a sideffect LOL

A good start is here
https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/9317-emotional-healingshadow-work-the-how-to-guide/

(The guy who wrote this is apparently a total baws so... its superlegit)

Edited April 6, 2017 by Martin123

[Martin123]

@lukmi So basically, getting laid won't solve this, but the process of healing yourself emotionally will, and at the same time that will bring such an emotional attunement and freedom that you become very confident and great with chicks. 
 

[lukmi]

@Martin123

I see that solely getting laid will not solve much.

What is your understanding of emotional healing?

Edited April 6, 2017 by lukmi

[Martin123]

@lukmi Go to the guide there you shall find your answer.
My picture of emotional wholeness is complete and utter abundance in all areas of life. Lack beliefs completely transcended. Personal animalistic needs integrated and non-existant. 
Motivation behind actions out of love and inspiration.
Complete eradication of neediness.
Confidence and self-esteem solely based on the fact that you exist and you are FUCKING divine. Not even on that. Not based on anything really. 

[lukmi]

Thank you for these resources!

 

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https://www.trinfinityacademy.com/courses/enlightenment-1-part-1-introduction-course/

I haven't heard of this side yet. Thank you, @Shin .

 

Quote

 

@Martin123

This looks pretty amazing - found a highly prioritized place on my to-do list!

[Martin123]

@lukmi You gotta persuade @Leo Gura To PIN IT!` So we can start emotional healing revolution on this forum!

[SFRL]

6 hours ago, lukmi said:

I like that you ask this question. It's almost like coaching.

 

I'm in this dating journey for almost a year now. I can successfully go out at daytime and to night clubs, approach girls that I like, have conversations with them, have them liking me from the interaction, setting out intentions on what to undertake in the near future and grab their numbers.

Now, with the texting part and with actually having a meet-up, I am struggling. I'm sure that I will take care of that and what will come after it, judging from my trajectory. (Just two years ago, I was an over-weight video-game addict who didn't have the ghost of a chance with a girl, which was a big problem for me. So, this is amazing but makes my life seem surreal. I refuse to identify with the life that I am living to some extend.)

There is more research to be done and more theory to be tested. (I am currently reading Models by Mark Manson.)

 

Yet, the worrying never stops…

You should be in good shape then if you can go out and get girls phone numbers. 

I don't know what you do to follow up. But you got to make your intentions known. Don't try to sneak in a side door and act like you want to be friends. 

When you text her call her beautiful, sexy, etc. Set up a date. Say: You want to go on a date? Literally no beating around the bush. You need to make your intentions very clear. 

Then when you go out you need to physically escalate. Brush arm to arm or shoulder to shoulder. Touch her with the outside of your hand, rub with the outside of your hand over her arm, leg, knee. Touch her but don't grab her. Then build it up. Give a short playfully pull on her hair and laugh at it. Stuff like that. Then when you got her hot and bothered you can move in for the kiss. The rest should unfold automatically. 

If anywhere along the lines you get rejected don't worry it happens. Lots of other girls out there. 

And again notice which girl seems to LIKE YOU. No point to go after that 8/10 if it's going to be an uphill battle while that 7/10 is ripe for the picking. 

Edited April 7, 2017 by STC

[aurum]

Before you do anything else, just make a mental note that you are reacting to this trigger in your decision to become good with the opposite sex. Keep this in the back of your mind. This is the foundation for why you are doing this.

The reason you are getting triggered is likely because you had some experiences growing up where you felt like you couldn't be "that guy" with women and it hurt. Other guys seemed to get what they wanted, but not you.

Next time the trigger comes up, become aware of it and try to fully feel it as much as possible. That might seem strange but triggers only exist because we don't let go of them.

Anyway, onto getting girls. There's plenty of content out there for how to be good with girls, just start with YouTube. You're 19 so I'd try to find some stuff related to being in college.

[eskwire]

10 hours ago, lukmi said:

Would putting up with her show me that being loved does not make me happy? (Pretty much like with someone who thinks getting rich makes him happy and finds out this is false when he got rich) From a strategical standpoint, this seems like it could work.

You don't deserve her time. She could be self-actualizing and clearing up her skin instead of getting used by you. 

[Shin]

12 hours ago, lukmi said:

That's a very good point

 

So, it is possible to resolve that for me through realization of the Truth (with a capital T) and through the process of achieving and transcending. (By which I mean working on myself to reach my goals and then see how this is not what I was looking for)

Right?

Nonono, you need to do both.
Just don't force anything with girls you don't like, that's just using them for sex/not feeling alone, and that won't help you.

Read The Way Of The superior Man from David Deida and learn to be funny.
Also listen to this dude, and if you get out of college, try Dance/Yoga class.

The most important thing, is what the other dudes told you, LOOK at your feelings when it gets weird or you've been rejected, the cure is in the looking.
The harder it is, the better recovery you'll have, that takes (lots) of courage though,
Most men will never, ever do that.

Fear is an illusion, go beyond, it's just a feeling, don't worry you won't die, it's the exact opposite that'll happen

 

@aurum Is it possible to attract women without being funny ? I'd like to start taking care of this, but right now this is my main issues and it could take a while until it is in place.

Edited April 7, 2017 by Shin