I've been stuck in a Cycle of the same Mistakes for Years. Please help me Break Out!

[RootingBamboo]

Hey everyone,

I've been stuck in a vicious cycle of the same mistakes and problems for years now, and I'm not getting anywhere. It's driving me crazy and depressed.

I want to finally take control of my life next year and start my journey to self-actualization, and have finally realized that I need to seek help. I can’t do this on my own. I hope that together you can help me break this cycle once and for all, and I hope that I can give back to you in any form possible.

 

The vicious cycle looks something like this:

I have motivation to change one or more aspects of my life – not hitting snooze, fitness, building discipline, building a skillset to start a business, etc. (those are the main ones currently)

I have some success in this aspect I started, but not yet enough tangible results to give me momentum (e.g. “I've been going to the gym for a few weeks in a row, but haven't noticed any physical changes yet”).

At some point I become complacent or make a mistake, for example, I miss a day at the gym or oversleep in the morning and have to go to the gym in the evening, which I then don't do because I'm lazy or tired, etc.

This complacency ultimately leads to another failure, “Missed Habit Streak” etc.

I beat myself up mentally for another failure, another round in the cycle etc. - and it doesn't help that I automatically compare myself and my failure with the success I see in other people, local people like friends as well as global people I follow and admire. My head rationally understands that I only see the iceberg above the water, and that these people are probably failing just like me, but emotionally I can't turn it off. I tell myself that If I don’t get it soon, that I will never get it and other bad, demoralizing things.

At some point after some moping around I find new motivation, swear to myself "Next time everything will be different" and at some point start a new attempt at the same or a different thing.

 

In addition, there are big problems like constant obstacles that I have to fix that cost me a lot of time and energy (for example, when I realize that I am too disorganized and have to fix my system before I can work effectively, or when I press snooze more often in the morning again and have to work on it because otherwise I won't be able to work at all, etc. which leads me to fix this problem instead of working on my actual tasks) and I have a lack of discipline and motivation as well as too much procrastination, which further exacerbates my overall situation.

There are way too many problems and things I notice that could be improved and that I want to fix, but fixing that takes time away from more important things, while not fixing it may lead to bigger problems down the road which leads to another “blow up”, I’ve tried both approaches extensively. Also, keeping up on so many executed-on solutions for problems and tracking that I keep doing the solutions and that they are actually fixing the problem also takes a lot of time and it overwhelms me, as there is so much to keep track of that it often stresses me out further, which eventually leads to leaks in my tracking and upkeep and an abandoning of the entire system. When I try to "build smaller" or "go slower", my mind tells me that this way I won't build up fast enough and similar things.

I have no momentum, or wins that would build that up. It's just a cycle of trying and failing, with everything, and it's deeply discouraging me, and starting again get’s harder and harder as Failure is more and more the expected outcome. And no matter what I seem to try and focus on, it all ends up the same way as described.

I guess it's mostly in my head, not with the Things I have to do - because I am pretty clear in what I have to do - but I have no clue how to change my thinking, build up momentum, and what else to do/think/etc. to finally achieve Change. Change that REALLY lasts, not just for a few weeks or months.

With this post specifically, I'm looking for advice on what I could try to do or think, as well as content I should look at that might help me, from Leo or others.

I have come up with the following solutions so far and found them through journaling and self-analysis:

• Tackle fewer things at the same time, postpone more things "to the distant future" to be more focused.
• In 2024, I'm only focusing on:
  • Building my skillset for the business I want to start ASAP,
  • working on my Fitness with a time commitment that doesn't jeopardize my business (I guess a few hours of gym per week will only improve my performance and cognition, not hurt my other goals),
  • building discipline and deep work through my learning and fitness,
  • as well as passively building habits like meditation, getting up on time without snoozing etc.
• In addition, I want to always analyze current problems (currently with a short daily journaling) and fix them as lean and small as possible, no more fixing problems that haven't even occurred yet, or huge comprehensive solution lists that take a long time to implement and are unnecessarily complex.
• Focus on leaving my comfort zone step-by-step more in terms of habits & discipline. Accept where I am right now and actively re-frame my thoughts when comparing myself to others. Start where my comfort zone ends, not where I would like to be, and then steadily get used to it and increase it as soon as I am comfortable with it, no matter when that is, not any second beforehand because I feel like I have to go faster or whatever. (I would mostly build my comfort zone through the fitness, the habits and the business-study-sessions, increasing everything in length, intensity etc.).
• More journaling (lightweight in the time needed) and actively analyzing failures so I don't beat myself up but use them productively to identify things I can do better and good things I should proactively continue to do.
• Less Obsession with Habit Streaks and more Forgiveness for mistakes.

 

I hope I have kept this as short as possible. If you want me to explain anything better, please let me know and I'll try to give more insights, in detail as well as tl;dr. I don't want to waste anyone's time and I'm already sincerely grateful that someone has read this far!

I wish you all a great new Year in Advance!

[Sincerity]

I found myself in a very similar situation to You in the past. Actually I still feel similarly at times with certain things, but much less I'd say. Here is my advice.

You think You need to do many of these things (like go to the gym), but the truth is that You don't really want it. AND THAT IS OKAY. It seems to me that your case could be described as follows: the mind trying to force the heart into wanting something. But the truth is the mind will never succeed in that. You will only cause yourself pain. It's like You're trying to go against the current of the river. The mind should serve the heart and NOT the other way around!

Listening to the heart instead of the mind is difficult. Your mind will provide You with all the explanations of how You will be DOOMED and how You will DIE and your life will go to HELL if You stop going to the gym for example. But it's all bullshit. The heart is guiding You well, You are just afraid to follow its wisdom. You are afraid to abandon the mind, but the mind's guidance is retarded. The mind thinks that something should be done and the heart knows what should be.

It's not that going to the gym is bad. But maybe it's just not for You! I don't know what your heart wants but let me tell You, You could find many alternatives to the gym - You could be going swimming, You could sign up for yoga classes, You could be dancing, running, playing tennis, walking 10K steps everyday, I don't know! Hell, maybe it's a matter of just going to another gym! Point is, instead of trying to force yourself to want something, start doing what You're really dreaming of!

Because if You have to force yourself so much to go to the gym it's a clear sign that You're doing it out of the mind. See, if the heart wants something it's effortless. You just do it. You don't have to fight. It's easy! Going with the current is easy, while going against it is a constant fight.

In practice, how do You start listening to the heart? First of all You could LET GO of your need to go to the gym for example, let go of the "shoulds". Just let the whole thing go and be okay with it. You have to trust that something else, something better will come eventually. HAVE FAITH! Be open and wait for it. And then it will come. Maybe your friend will mention to You some martial arts classes that he heard of and You will think "oh hmm, that sounds interesting..." - and this will be it. You will then sign up for these martial classes and You will be going there effortlessly. It won't be what You thought You should be doing - it will be something better, the right thing.

Notice I said that your friend might mention to You this possibility. A friend was an example, You could see a billboard or read something on the internet - just go along with it. My point is that THIS is how it often works. You "accidently" hear about something and it instantly somehow clicks with You. But with time You can realize that these aren't accidents. It is much more magical and profound than that.

But in order to be open to these "accidents" You have to let go of the retarded "shoulds" of the mind. Don't be afraid. Break the cycle. Actualize what You are REALLY meant to be.

Hope this resonates.  Happy new year.

[Alexop]

@RootingBamboo I Appreciate that you wrote your country and age in your profile, many people here just ask for advice but we don't even know if they are 20 or 70. But I still need some more info:

What is your business plan? What steps have you acomplished towards it?

Check Maslow's priamid now, what are the basic needs that you lack? 

Talking about fitness, I am a Physical therapist and trainer with my own business since 5 years ago. I met lots of people who hate the gym, gym is booring, the vibe is silly, only showing off and shit. Altough in Germany it might be a bit better, but still silly. Contemplate about a cool sport where you can go with joy and enthusiasm. Are you more of an introvert like me? I love taking a 7-10 km run when I have free time, ending up in the park doing some basic calistenics, after that I use to listen to a pod or audiobook on my way home. I do this 1-2 times a week for more than 13 years. now do some math how many kilometers I ran, how many pushups, pullups, crunches, how many books finished? I cycle everywhere, more than 6000 km per year. That is the power of listening to your heart as Sincerity said.

Try to limit social media, the SD stage orange culture intoxicates your mind and makes you more depressed with all the "shoulds" and "work hards".

Work smart not hard.

Edited December 27, 2023 by Alexop

[RootingBamboo]

1 hour ago, Sincerity said:

I found myself in a very similar situation to You in the past. Actually I still feel similarly at times with certain things, but much less I'd say. Here is my advice.

You think You need to do many of these things (like go to the gym), but the truth is that You don't really want it. AND THAT IS OKAY. It seems to me that your case could be described as follows: the mind trying to force the heart into wanting something. But the truth is the mind will never succeed in that. You will only cause yourself pain. It's like You're trying to go against the current of the river. The mind should serve the heart and NOT the other way around!

Listening to the heart instead of the mind is difficult. Your mind will provide You with all the explanations of how You will be DOOMED and how You will DIE and your life will go to HELL if You stop going to the gym for example. But it's all bullshit. The heart is guiding You well, You are just afraid to follow its wisdom. You are afraid to abandon the mind, but the mind's guidance is retarded. The mind thinks that something should be done and the heart knows what should be.

It's not that going to the gym is bad. But maybe it's just not for You! I don't know what your heart wants but let me tell You, You could find many alternatives to the gym - You could be going swimming, You could sign up for yoga classes, You could be dancing, running, playing tennis, walking 10K steps everyday, I don't know! Hell, maybe it's a matter of just going to another gym! Point is, instead of trying to force yourself to want something, start doing what You're really dreaming of!

Because if You have to force yourself so much to go to the gym it's a clear sign that You're doing it out of the mind. See, if the heart wants something it's effortless. You just do it. You don't have to fight. It's easy! Going with the current is easy, while going against it is a constant fight.

In practice, how do You start listening to the heart? First of all You could LET GO of your need to go to the gym for example, let go of the "shoulds". Just let the whole thing go and be okay with it. You have to trust that something else, something better will come eventually. HAVE FAITH! Be open and wait for it. And then it will come. Maybe your friend will mention to You some martial arts classes that he heard of and You will think "oh hmm, that sounds interesting..." - and this will be it. You will then sign up for these martial classes and You will be going there effortlessly. It won't be what You thought You should be doing - it will be something better, the right thing.

Notice I said that your friend might mention to You this possibility. A friend was an example, You could see a billboard or read something on the internet - just go along with it. My point is that THIS is how it often works. You "accidently" hear about something and it instantly somehow clicks with You. But with time You can realize that these aren't accidents. It is much more magical and profound than that.

But in order to be open to these "accidents" You have to let go of the retarded "shoulds" of the mind. Don't be afraid. Break the cycle. Actualize what You are REALLY meant to be.

Hope this resonates.  Happy new year.

 

1 hour ago, Alexop said:

@RootingBamboo I Appreciate that you wrote your country and age in your profile, many people here just ask for advice but we don't even know if they are 20 or 70. But I still need some more info:

What is your business plan? What steps have you acomplished towards it?

Check Maslow's priamid now, what are the basic needs that you lack? 

Talking about fitness, I am a Physical therapist and trainer with my own business since 5 years ago. I met lots of people who hate the gym, gym is booring, the vibe is silly, only showing off and shit. Altough in Germany it might be a bit better, but still silly. Contemplate about a cool sport where you can go with joy and enthusiasm. Are you more of an introvert like me? I love taking a 7-10 km run when I have free time, ending up in the park doing some basic calistenics, after that I use to listen to a pod or audiobook on my way home. I do this 1-2 times a week for more than 13 years. now do some math how many kilometers I ran, how many pushups, pullups, crunches, how many books finished? I cycle everywhere, more than 6000 km per year. That is the power of listening to your heart as Sincerity said.

Try to limit social media, the SD stage orange culture intoxicates your mind and makes you more depressed with all the "shoulds" and "work hards".

Work smart not hard.

@Sincerity @Alexop Thank you for your replies, genuinely!

Quickly on my business:
I plan on becoming a Freelancer, starting with Copywriting and then probably transitioning into whatever Opportunity or Skill arises from there. I am really interested in Language and Writing in general, have some innate Talent for it if you will and find Topics like Marketing, Communication, Psychology etc. to be deeply fascinating, so anything I learn in that regard can be pretty much directly applied to Copywriting itself.

So far I am monetarily invested in a quality (non-scammy) course with a strong community behind it and have consumed all of the course's content with notes. Now it's just about building the business itself and getting the skills throug further practice, studying, reading, setting up the portfolio... tons of writing, of course. Since I have been strong on the Wantrepreneur side ever since my teen years, I have already consumed a ton of content and books with lots of detailed notes over the years, so I guess I have a good grasp on the basics and self-built resources to quickly look into for guidance.

You can already notice from that that this might be where my problems stem from, right? Perfectionism?

I absolutely get your points, but I'm not 100% sure that I don't really "want" these things, because whenever I do them - like going to the gym, not only seeing results but being proud of going, feeling the pain, overcoming the urge to go easy, so even the process itself - I genuinely enjoy them. I still procrastinate on them, or lose motivation and momentum once I fail and beat myself up for it, but I don't think it comes from a place of not really wanting to do the thing (would you suggest otherwise?).
In my personal opinion, that could very well be false, I believe it is actually more this lack of discipline that keeps me from sticking through things long-term, and this innate perfectionism that kinda "prevents me" from accepting mistakes or ruined streaks. A form of depressive disorder with light symptoms caused by constant failure might also play into that? I can't say for sure.
Although I do score relatively high on self-taken "Depression Assessments" (high in being depressed), mainly because of me not only not being where I want to be, but not even going into the direction, for years and years now.

Thanks on the tip regarding Social Media btw. I have been abstaining from it mostly all throughout this year and noticed that my mood and thoughts have drastically lightened up, so I basically only consume "productive" Content on there now (like Self-Dev.), and only passively like when in the car or cooking or whatever.

Thanks again deeply for your time!

[Alexop]

You career work sounds good, keep doing that! 

a good coach could help you much better than some forum advice  

If you can't afford a coach, coach yourself by doing contemplation. Ask yourself the following questions: (no ChatGPT or google!)

Why do I think I am a perfectionist? What is a perfectionist? 

Why am I going to the gym? Why do I feel unmotivated sometimes?

How could I modify the habit in order to be more enjoyable?

What are my core values? Are my habits aligned with my core values?

You get the point.

[SeaMonster]

You said you "hit the snooze button."

Is it possible you're just not getting enough sleep otherwise? It can be difficult to be full of energy and motivated if you're not getting enough sleep, e.g.

I would simplify things much more.  Focus on your very basic needs (like enough sleep, eating right, etc.) before you look at ambitious goals.  Maybe that means going to bed earlier or whatever else.

If you can fix that, maybe it'll be easier to do the higher-order stuff.

Edited December 27, 2023 by SeaMonster

[Sincerity]

6 hours ago, RootingBamboo said:

I absolutely get your points, but I'm not 100% sure that I don't really "want" these things, because whenever I do them - like going to the gym, not only seeing results but being proud of going, feeling the pain, overcoming the urge to go easy, so even the process itself - I genuinely enjoy them. I still procrastinate on them, or lose motivation and momentum once I fail and beat myself up for it, but I don't think it comes from a place of not really wanting to do the thing (would you suggest otherwise?).
In my personal opinion, that could very well be false, I believe it is actually more this lack of discipline that keeps me from sticking through things long-term, and this innate perfectionism that kinda "prevents me" from accepting mistakes or ruined streaks. A form of depressive disorder with light symptoms caused by constant failure might also play into that? I can't say for sure.
Although I do score relatively high on self-taken "Depression Assessments" (high in being depressed), mainly because of me not only not being where I want to be, but not even going into the direction, for years and years now.

You know best what You want and what You don't.  So perhaps my advice wasn't applicable to your situation - You gotta assess this.

I will bring up this point though: This may sound silly, but I think You can still enjoy something that You don't really want. I understand You feel accomplished, proud of yourself at the gym, etc. And that's great! Nothing wrong with that. But thing is, why do You procrastinate and lose momentum for it then? You could contemplate it like Alexop recommended. Maybe it's just me but when I'm doing something from the heart there's just no way for me to procrastinate (for long) or lose momentum. On the other hand when I'm forcing myself to do something it's IMPOSSIBLE for the long term - even if it feels good when I do it! It just doesn't work. So what I do is focus on what resonates.

You mentioned You've been strong on the entrepreneurial side since your teens. I'd guess (?) that You don't have to force yourself much to take on this work when it's the time for it. If so, then why is starting this work easy, but going to the gym is hard? You did have the drive to consume a lot of content on building a business, take notes, etc. Maybe that's how it feels when something clicks with You, and the cyclical loss of momentum for the gym is how it feels when it doesn't click?

I don't know. I just think that if something really clicks with You, starting doing it is rather effortless and You don't procrastinate much. But hey, maybe that's just me! You are a different person. I don't wanna discourage You from going to the gym if that's what You want. Though You have to examine your emotions and find out why You are feeling the way You are feeling. And note that if You wanna escape a vicious cycle, You can't do more of the same thing.

Edited December 27, 2023 by Sincerity

[RootingBamboo]

@Alexop  Thank you

Any idea how to look into getting a coach? I'm currently strapped for money, but might do so as soon as I'm in a bit of a better place. Where would I even start looking to find somebody high quality?

I'll defiitely do the Contemplation, and maybe get a bit more into Journaling, as this has been massively helpful the last few Months. Thank you very much for this suggestion! It's very promising.

@SeaMonster Thanks for replying. That might definitely be a thing to look into, yeah. I mean I mostly get 8 hours, and I guess the Hitting Snooze is more of a bad Habit formed, but there could definitely be some underlying causes, possibly even biological as you said.
 

@Sincerity Thanks for your understanding reply, although I do think that you have a very solid point there still! I will try to mix up my approaches, maybe as you said not leaving the gym immediately but maybe just trying different exercises, routines, times, a different gym - or even a different sport at all after that. Of course the same with the other things I struggle with.

I think trying out new things instead of repeating the same patterns I've had for years is basically what you're recommending, right? I will try it, thank you very much for the tip!

Although I may add this: In every endeavor there is hardship and aspects you don't like, right?. You might even procrastinate or loathe doing things for your partner or your child. Alongside that is the Notion that the Thing you fear or dread the most (most so in the macro, but also in the micro) is often the most important thing for you to do. If I think back on my life so far and would've decided that something wasn't for me whenever it got hard or didn't feel blissful, I wouldn't have stuck with anything at all.
I fully understand that this is NOT what you're saying, just a thought that came up.
Again, thank you for your time!

[UpperMaster]

@Sincerity advice seems really fucking good. 
 

one thing I realised is that the reason why people don’t do the work is simply because you don’t want it enough. 
 

I personally had put on some weight last year, and because I really wanted to get fit because of a girl I lost 10kg in 3 weeks. Which is super unsafe but still. It was the first time I felt that I really want something. So yea bro that’s the root cause in my opinion. 

[Sincerity]

4 hours ago, RootingBamboo said:

Although I may add this: In every endeavor there is hardship and aspects you don't like, right?. You might even procrastinate or loathe doing things for your partner or your child. Alongside that is the Notion that the Thing you fear or dread the most (most so in the macro, but also in the micro) is often the most important thing for you to do. If I think back on my life so far and would've decided that something wasn't for me whenever it got hard or didn't feel blissful, I wouldn't have stuck with anything at all.
I fully understand that this is NOT what you're saying, just a thought that came up.
Again, thank you for your time!

Thank You. We're all learning from each other here. 

[RootingBamboo]

16 hours ago, UpperMaster said:

@Sincerity advice seems really fucking good. 
 

one thing I realised is that the reason why people don’t do the work is simply because you don’t want it enough. 
 

I personally had put on some weight last year, and because I really wanted to get fit because of a girl I lost 10kg in 3 weeks. Which is super unsafe but still. It was the first time I felt that I really want something. So yea bro that’s the root cause in my opinion. 

@UpperMaster How would one "increase" the Want for a Thing, one's desire so to speak? I don't think this is organically at a certain "size" which can't be altered, otherwise you wouldn't have been more motivated/driven to Change from your scenario, and that would make other tactics inplausible.

My first thought here is Journaling on the Purpose of it and Visualization? Any other ideas or thoughts on this?

Thanks for taking your time to comment!