How do you approach the ethics of dating when you're not ready to commit?

[confused people]

If you're, say, cold approaching women in public in the city or area that you are in, you'll most likely go for a date (as opposed to pulling someone right away or something). And with dating the basic assumption is that you're looking for a relationship. But what do you do if you know you're not ready for a relationship and just looking to get laid, experiment and gain experience? Are you just upfront with it, or wait for them to bring it up? Is it sort of a "if it happens on the first date it's okay" thing so that you'll try to aim for that (since in that case you can't be blamed for assuming the a relationship isn't the first thing on her mind). I think with the current culture in the West, if you go on, say, three dates and sleep with the other person on the third date, a good portion of them would be hurt if you told them you're not interested in a romantic relationship after that and that you knew that from the beginning or feel like they've wasted their time, even if they enjoyed the experience. Maybe I'm missing some basic thing, but I don't feel like things like this are discussed often in the PUA/dating advice communities, so I'd like your opinions on it.

My most recent experience with dating has been one of committing to a relationship because I hadn't ever been in a relationship before and liked the person, while also knowing that I'm not ready for long-term commitment. I fooled myself into thinking that I'd be fine with that and that it would be an acceptable thing to do, while I hadn't realized the significance of a committed relationship and wasn't ready to accept the possibility of staying with that person forever without having experienced more of what the world has to offer sexually and that obviously led to the relationship ending and that person being hurt. This (namely what commitment means) is another topic onto itself, and I'm still developing my thoughts on that, but in this thread, I'm specifically interested in advice on how to avoid hurting or taking advantage of anyone whenever I decide to go back into dating (which would be with the goal of gaining more experience instead of looking for a relationship).

[NoSelfSelf]

You basically say on the first date that there are other woman you are seeing and there is a little chance of you being in a relationship any time soon, but that shouldnt stop us from having enjoyable time with eachother drama free ofcourse...because i am a drama free man and you just transition to talk about yourself with that word...

 

Edited December 18, 2023 by NoSelfSelf

[Yimpa]

@confused people I’m confused… are you a Moderator on this forum? You seem like one based on your profile pic 😏 

Wanna grab something to drink?

[confused people]

@NoSelfSelf Interesting... I never thought about it directly in the following sense, but if there are some women for whom sex without the possibility of a committed relationship is out of question then logically, I would like to weed them out as soon as possible (for their benefits as well as mine). But I have this insecurity on how it would come across to the rest of them if I'm direct about it like that (but I guess if they're actually open about it, then they would like to know somehow what it is I'm looking for, so it shouldn't be off-putting).

Also, it's true, I am a drama-free man, but describing myself as that doesn't seem to fit my personality quite well. But at the same time, it has a vibe of assertiveness about the sort of person you are, which I think I lack (historically because I've been more often in the process of figuring out the person I am than presenting who I am while owning it). Anyway, I digress... thanks for the tip.

[confused people]

@Yimpa I'm afraid I don't know what you're referring to...

[Yimpa]

2 minutes ago, confused people said:

Also, it's true, I am a drama-free man, but describing myself as that doesn't seem to fit my personality quite well.

What is wrong with drama? Can you express drama without it becoming a horror film?

[confused people]

I could answer that question in many ways, but all I said was that *I* am a drama-free person.

[Wisebaxter]

This is the eternal question my friend. In my experience they all want to commit. It's a pain in the ass. Seems to be how they're designed. The ones who are up for casual sex, if you do find them, are usually broken somehow or they're just saying they're up for that as a trap to lure you and make you commit. Good luck! Let me know if you find the answer as I'm desperate to get laid but I'll be damned if I'm ever committing again. Last one damn near broke me when it ended. 

Edited December 24, 2023 by Wisebaxter

[Cocolove]

Boyfriend provider versus player fun frame. 

There is no distinction between girls you want one or the other. Learn some classic toxic game. RSD tyler's recent livestreams cover this.

[Tboy]

There are ways of saying you're not necessarily looking for a relationship or that you aren't at all - it doesn't have to be so awkward and direct like that. You want to be grounded in what you're saying, not doubting yourself but you can say that you are looking to meet people and have fun and if you do end up really liking them then you'll take it in the relationship direction and if you don't then you can see them in a more casual way. It's fair for you to say stuff like that and also don't bring this shit up unless she does or unless actually want to.

[Tboy]

I'm speaking from a UK perspective, it may be different for you, which country are you in?

[confused people]

I'm in Germany, I don't believe it's that different over here, it still depresses me that what I'm getting out of dating isn't based on mutual interests for the most part, but information asymmetry, it does seem that girls looking only for casual relationships are a small minority. Also, it doesn't help that girls I like to hang out with are more of a relationship type than others. I could leave the possibility of a relationship open in theory, but only commit if I'm fully convinced and emotionally on board (which to me seems inconceivable at the moment).

[universe]

How old are you?

Quote

 I could leave the possibility of a relationship open in theory, but only commit if I'm fully convinced and emotionally on board (which to me seems inconceivable at the moment).

Just tell her this when the topic comes up. Honesty wins.

You are not the only one who doesn't feel ready to commit. You will find other women who feel the same.

[Leo Gura]

Going on a date does not equal commitment to an exclusive relationship.

It also matters how you frame your dates. Don't make them too involved and romantic. Keep things light and fun and she won't expect so much.

Edited December 28, 2023 by Leo Gura

[Galyna]

On 12/18/2023 at 1:59 PM, NoSelfSelf said:

You basically say on the first date that there are other woman you are seeing and there is a little chance of you being in a relationship any time soon

LOL, and tell me how many women will agree to get laid with such opening? 

Edited December 28, 2023 by Galyna

[Galyna]

47 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Keep things light and fun and she won't expect so much.

Right, she will drink coffee and will go home. I mean what a normal woman would want to sleep with a stranger or a guy she barely knows? Unless, she is a desperate loner and never been with a good guy. For woman to desire a sexual connection she must be in love. I am talking about normal healthy high value women here.

Edited December 28, 2023 by Galyna

[universe]

42 minutes ago, Galyna said:

Right, she will drink coffee and will go home. I mean what a normal woman would want to sleep with a stranger or a guy she barely knows? Unless, she is a desperate loner and never been with a good guy. For woman to desire a sexual connection she must be in love. I am talking about normal healthy high value women here.

Are you talking about love or Love? 

[Galyna]

Just now, universe said:

Are you talking about love or Love? 

Ideally, both....

But I am trying to be realistic here and I was talking about love , since we are in the dating category of this forum, not in the spiritual one! 

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Galyna said:

Right, she will drink coffee and will go home. I mean what a normal woman would want to sleep with a stranger or a guy she barely knows?

If the guy has game she will be very willing.

1 hour ago, Galyna said:

For woman to desire a sexual connection she must be in love. I am talking about normal healthy high value women here.

Nonsense.

[Princess Arabia]

1 hour ago, Galyna said:

For woman to desire a sexual connection she must be in love. I am talking about normal healthy high value women here.

Not necessarily. I don't know about a high-value woman because that depends on whose evaluating. The term high-value means something different to everyone. Lot's of decent healthy women will sleep with a man without being in love.