Detachment From Beliefs And Surrendering Control

[Kloof]

In Leo's video about the big picture of actualization, he mentioned two really important things that I struggle with: detachment from experiences, thoughts, and emotions AND surrendering control and giving up manipulation. I know these are huge multi-faceted issue, but I especially struggle in these two areas:

1. Attachment to my beliefs when people hold different moral views and political opinions than me

2. Attachment to other people's problems/ being controlling in relationships
 

Leo mentioned that when you reach the 7th yellow level of the Grave's Model, you can see the other levels of development for what they are. You don't feel any hostility towards them. I would so badly like to reach that level, but I don't know how.

For example, when my cousin spouts support of Trump, I feel angry and indignant. But, I recognize these aren't very useful states. I am so attached to my own beliefs that I feel hostility towards my cousin. I love my cousin, but I unfollowed her on Facebook and missed important updates on her life because some of her posts have the ability to fill me with rage and disgust. How do I allow people around me to hold beliefs that are opposite of mine without feeling hateful and hostile towards them? Or, how do I detach from my own beliefs, thoughts, and emotions?

Second, recently ,I've been reading a book about codependency, and it opened my eyes to how attached I've become to solving problems other than my own, and trying to control my significant other in little ways.

This quote stood out to me (From Codependent No More):
"Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities, and tend to our own instead. ... The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways;  and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others."

Sometimes I'm so obnoxious in my relationship. I say things like, "Hey, you didn't brush your teeth." I try to convince myself this kind of comment is benign, but obviously, he knows he didn't brush his teeth. Me pointing this out to him is just a way to manipulate him, it's barely different from directly saying, "I think you should brush your teeth." And I wish I'd stop! He can do what he wants- why am I trying to take responsibility? I want to stop, and I'm trying. I wish I had been aware of this issue in myself earlier, and I wish I had some concrete steps on where to start.

[Guest username]

These are really good questions, and it's a good sign you're self aware enough to know you have this issue.

To me the best remedy for this is humility and curiosity. Work really hard on questioning your beliefs and getting a bigger picture understanding of life.

Realize that like everyone else, there are an infinite number of things that you don't know. What seems stupid to you makes sense to someone else. Instead of judging other people for there views, use that an opportunity to inquire. 

Graves model stage yellow is largely about avoiding paradigm lock, seeing that the world can be viewed from and endless number of different perspectives, and having the humility to know that your own perspective is infinitesimal. That is, you are at peace with the fact that you are infinitely ignorant like everyone else, and just like you know things other people don't, they also know things that you don't know. 

When I feel like judging someone for being ignorant, I remind myself that their views make sense to them. The fact that I don't understand why their views make sense to them is a sign that I have much to understand about the other perspective. I also keep in mind that I am one person, who can always learn from others, and my way isn't necessarily the best way, even if I feel like it is. 

Watch all of these videos, as they hit a lot of your sticking points:

 

[Kloof]

On 4/6/2017 at 6:30 PM, username said:

Realize that like everyone else, there are an infinite number of things that you don't know. What seems stupid to you makes sense to someone else. Instead of judging other people for there views, use that an opportunity to inquire. 

Graves model stage yellow is largely about avoiding paradigm lock, seeing that the world can be viewed from and endless number of different perspectives, and having the humility to know that your own perspective is infinitesimal. That is, you are at peace with the fact that you are infinitely ignorant like everyone else, and just like you know things other people don't, they also know things that you don't know. 

Thank you! That's really helpful. It's like... I -know- there are an infinite number of things that I don't know, but whenever that information would help me quell my emotional responses, I forget it. Maybe I'll write it on my hand for a while until that's the first thought I think after I become perplexed or annoyed with someone.

And thanks for linking the videos too! I haven't seen a couple of these, and I should re-watch the others, too!