I'm in Pain, please help me through it

[Keryo Koffa]

I am self-limiting and afraid. I invent reasons not to give up my ego identity.

First it was desire to find someone to share loneliness with and not to lose these emotions until then, which yielded unbearable suffering and yet powerful love. The fear of not being authentic enough and wasting such an opportunity kept me alone regardless for the entirety of my life except for timeframes of friendship that made parting all the more painful.

I let myself feel it. Then fear took its place through nightmare and sleep paralysis, A malicious incoherent inanimate shapeshifting unknown, and I understood my ego making itself afraid in order to avoid losing the form its attached to. And I was rationalizing it doing it out of self-love but the fear can be enough to cause self-destruction. The fear can be scarier than any actual threat and keep the ego from health and love that it needs to stay alive.

I'm also crushed by an intuited but projected responsibility. That appreciation can only spawn from equal suffering. The story that I worked forever to delude myself into being Ego. And the only love existing in dissolving myself and I'm not rationing that valuable limited resource. And I don't want to create more duality just to dissolve it for love because it feels fake, but then I'll run out of the matter I live for, if I love my ego away.

But god is unconditional love, pure being and I am not that, I am lone, afraid, confused, wondering why I'm in the state I'm in and if it has any purpose, if I have a responsibility to maintain it, or if I can just go with my heart and be whatever I'd love to be. Because if it's just reality not reflecting my love back at me, then I can handle it, I want to give love and be that process. But am I not appreciating being a distinct Ego enough, is there a reason all this self-perpetuating hell exists, am I responsible for maintaining it? Do I not appreciate existing enough? Do I have to explicitly make myself suffer just to be able to love? Why am I like this?

[SeaMonster]

You've written 4 paragraphs without coming close to addressing the real issues in your life.  I see evasion, denial, vagueness couched in metaphysical abstractions.  Not to single you out, because this is common on this forum, but you need to come down to earth and to stop this "self-deception via emotional dramatization and metaphysical abstraction."

The problems in your life are specific and concrete, stop blowing them up and distorting them into this spiritual drama.  Focus on the specific issues even if it's painful to do so.  If you're lonely, and relationships are an issue, you need to start treating yourself right first and then you will be able to have healthy relationships.  Get real, get specific and implement specific changes in your life.

[enzyme]

Firstly, sorry to hear you're going through this.  It's not easy when those sorts of emotions are running high, but it's always possible to return to your normal state of happiness and peace.

Second, is there anything in particular you suspect might be causing these feelings to occur frequently?  Is it something material you could work to change (your body/fitness, finances, security, relationships etc.)?

If this is something you're feeling more existentially then I would just approach it with curiosity, but also don't take whatever you mind/ego says too seriously.  Our minds can run rampant if we stay up there too long.  Ironically the best cure for this is to simply sit in a quiet space and go through a meditation experience (doesn't have to be deep, 20-30 minutes is pretty good).  When you merely observe what is, and accept that as whatever is the case, a sense of space from consciousness flows through you, and you will feel more at peace and happy.

[Breakingthewall]

@Keryo Koffa  

The positive thing about your situation is that you approach it with sincerity and humility. That's a giant step. The negative is that you are trapped in yourself. But well, almost everyone is, only instead of facing it they use evasion techniques, like thinking about the future and starting a family. It is a human constant.

Your path is to face your fear and open yourself to true life, so congratulations, all the shit you have swallowed in your life leads you to that. There is only one option, go to the end. Anything else would be unfeasible, the sting of suffering will prevent you from staying in no man's land.

For me it is obvious, when shit hits my mind, it means that I have to move towards greater openness, less fear. When things are like this, in this life there is a mission: total openness. The reason is that it is inevitable, it is the marked destiny

[michaelcycle00]

Go to therapy I guess, didn’t help me but it may help you.

[Keryo Koffa]

@SeaMonster Since 2 months ago when I started psychedelics, I started changing my physical life. Making new friends, visiting family I haven't seen in years, travelling, quitting my depressing job, making a 180 on my diet, going outside more often, exercising and yoga, enjoying my activities and hobbies again. learning the value and versatility of money, restructuring my room, appreciating every moment more, being open to others, being fascinated by nature, going through emotions as they arise. And I feel better than ever when present.

But there's this other side of my life where I feel trapped by obligation to account for and justify everything, which includes the negatives and to make sense of them, put them in a framework and integrate them. Feel the overbearing need not to dismiss anything, but dismissal is liberation. I don't need to overthink, but feel obligated to do so, everything else, all pain and physicality I can handle in the moment, appreciate mistakes and suffering, cosmic comedy, it's really this singular overwhelming drive that is causing me the most suffering, the drive not to let go, the drive of trying to reconcile every contradiction. A very abstract notion, but I had it since I was a kid.

[Keryo Koffa]

@Breakingthewall That's what I need to do. I'm constantly dynamically figuring out physical things, it is overthinking, accounting for everything, existential need to reconcile contradictions and the perpetuating story that I won't be fine until I do that keeps me in this state. But seeing as I can deal with everything else quite well at this point, I'll make it the single biggest priority to practice letting go of that need. Though not just becoming it is the problem, becoming is a timeframe I elongate by writing about it, but I know what I need to do.

[Keryo Koffa]

@enzyme I will, I think I have never consciously trained that muscle at all, to let go and be quiet. I see it as my single biggest problem, needing to account for everything, find justifications, resolve contradictions rationally, and not be fine until I do. But I'll focus on letting go now.

[Keryo Koffa]

My wants are temporary and reality exists regardless of my attachment.

Resistance and fear distract from expressing love by maintaining desire.

I am the present want, the future need is a projection.

Conceptual proliferation is my greatest suffering.

The present moment is beautiful and freeing.

[Keryo Koffa]

I understand my mistake. Obligation is Fear. Fear is Attachment. Attachment is Ignorance.

Ignorance is part of the journey towards growth. Growth is part of Being. Everything is Being.

I made myself believe I needed to understand the in and outs of consciousness before I die.

I stopped myself from going there by Fear of Dissolution, fear of dying, maintaining a painful homeostasis between Self-Destruction and Annihilation.

But I have no obligation to create the Universe. I am the Universe. I need no balance myself, I am balanced by myself through Being.

[Keryo Koffa]

@Keryo Koffa I am balanced through Existence, I don't need to align myself, My ego is already being aligned by its presence in the universe. I can allow myself to flow and be. Navigation is a means to an end of meeting ones desires. When they pass, there is no want anymore and I don't have the responsibility of maintaining or remembering it, my subconscious takes care of sense making for me. If I have a question, I can just ask it. If I want to know anything, I can ask it, if I need anything, I can work towards it until its met or my want dissipates.

Edited December 12, 2023 by Keryo Koffa
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[Keryo Koffa]

Stardate 87952.3: The first day of my psychedelic retreat is over. So far I managed to speedrun dozes of fear mechanisms and reasons not to let go. My need for communication on this forum was all too abundant, I realized the direction I need to take and am finally ready to let go. PHASE 2 COMMENCE

[Breakingthewall]

6 hours ago, Keryo Koffa said:

PHASE 2 COMMENCE

5 meo DMT could be useful in your purpose

[Rishabh R]

@Keryo Koffa you can use positive narratives to make the pain less intense.

[Yimpa]

What is pain?

[Breakingthewall]

On 12/12/2023 at 0:12 PM, Keryo Koffa said:

I understand my mistake. Obligation is Fear. Fear is Attachment. Attachment is Ignorance.

Ignorance is part of the journey towards growth. Growth is part of Being. Everything is Being.

I made myself believe I needed to understand the in and outs of consciousness before I die.

I stopped myself from going there by Fear of Dissolution, fear of dying, maintaining a painful homeostasis between Self-Destruction and Annihilation.

But I have no obligation to create the Universe. I am the Universe. I need no balance myself, I am balanced by myself through Being.

On 12/12/2023 at 0:47 PM, Keryo Koffa said:

 

You seem authentic, not common to find people who really want to open themselves to reality, not to inflate their ego or to avoid problems but to truly want it.

 If I think about what this story has been like for me, about the confusion I had, the wall that was in front of my face, I would say that the most important thing to get through it is the will. but the motivation must be pure, without ego

Edited December 13, 2023 by Breakingthewall