Adding A Little Nuance To Neediness

[Salaam]

I wish people would shift away from using the word neediness so much and consider going back to dependency. It kind of avoids these blunt force emotional connotations and allows for nuance, because then it's not just about dependence, but independence and interdependence. Three different positions that all have a place, but need to be oriented and expressed in different ways and situations.

Women, just like men if their healthy want a balanced and rich/vibrant expression of all three.

We want to be independent in having our own mind, tastes, standards, direction/purpose, and the capabilities to bring them to life. Healthy people don't want someone who is easily bent in these facets and becomes dependent on others for the realization and creation of these.

We want to be interdependent in the ability to share things with each other, reflecting different states and emotions in a complimentary way, and building lives and experiences together in a cooperative and mutually beneficial manner.

We want to be dependent in the area of being able to rely and trust in someone. Not under their power or control, but being able to trust that this person we've shared with is someone we can come to, when we need help or a soft place to rest and heal for a moment.

The problems come when people get the time and place and expression of these three positions all mixed up. They get extreme and go all in on independent and "not giving a fuck" while demonizing the other two or they fail to develop themselves and let dependency in so many things become their default state. There are so many unattractive mixtures of these three, but with time and growth we can find a goldilocks zone of synergy that allows for both individuality and attractiveness along reliable lines.

[SFRL]

I agree with this post. Also in my opinion people should be a little bit more compassionate towards neediness behaviour in their partner. In the beginning of a relationship people run off chemical reactions which causes all sorts of extreme and irrational behaviour. After a year or two these chemical reactions tend to become less, and the behaviour of people normalizes again. But most relationships don't get the change to reach that stage. 

Edited April 4, 2017 by STC

[Salaam]

21 hours ago, STC said:

I agree with this post. Also in my opinion people should be a little bit more compassionate towards neediness behaviour in their partner. In the beginning of a relationship people run off chemical reactions which causes all sorts of extreme and irrational behaviour. After a year or two these chemical reactions tend to become less, and the behaviour of people normalizes again. But most relationships don't get the change to reach that stage. 

Yup, which brings up another point about the kinds of motivations people have in place when they're in the relationship. The wrong kinds of motivations will leave you with little "umph" when it comes time for the couple to get to sticking their "hands in the mud" and dealing with complicated issues. When things are hard, or touchy situations need to be addressed, people in this category seem to cut things off and halt progress.

It's never gonna be perfect or easy or whatever fantasy expectation people have, when idealizing their desire for a partner and it takes a little bit of strength and conviction of choice to stick with it during those tough times. Which makes it that much more important to be able to truly see the different facets of the person your with, so you can make the best choice as to whether or not it's healthy to build the relationship past a certain point and invest that time and energy.

Otherwise it's just a cyclical merry-go-round of riding the pair bond rush till the infatuation fades and it's time to find a new partner.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Salaam