Rebuilding My Infrastructure

[Ayham]

Ok, I will keep the context short

I am 17, from Iraq, in my last high school year, I got into spirituality when I was 12, on and off, until I got into Leo when I was 15 and I had a 3 months existential crisis or maybe a dark night of the soul, it was very scary, ever since then my life changed and I stuck to habits like meditation, reading, journaling, commonplace book, contemplation, finding my life purpose, eating healthy, etc.

I stuck to a lot of this  for like 2 years or 1.5 years, until I fell in love for the first time, became codependent and got heartbroken, I am still not over it but whatever, it was probably the lowest I have been mentally, it has been 6 months and I am still ugh, I neglected everything, became very unstable mentally, and depressed, and everything went to hell, still is.

Anyways, time to get back, right now it is my last school year, and I have to study a shit ton, to get into a good college, but my main goal is to actually study in another country, my mother isn't rich, but my father is really rich, though he refuses to let me study in another country, like total refusal, so my hope is a scholarship to a first world country, I will use it as my escape ticket, and to get a backup degree in something useful if my LP plans don't work, I will use college time mainly to make my LP work, if that fails, I have a degree, I can work with it until my LP makes it.

So what is this journal? I won't be writing my personal feelings and rants and vents here, I will track my progress, I have my own separate journal for that.

What do I want to get back into on a daily basis:

• Meditation (it is actually Kundalini yoga, two times a day, each session about 30 minutes, I first use kundalini techniques to calm the mind and raise energy then abide in a non-dual state by doing self-inquiry, I used to do Vipassana for a long time, but I want to do this now)
• Reading (Spiritual books, personal development, western philosophy, physics, and psychology, these are the main topics I am interested in reading in, I read about 13 books this year, most of which were in the first half, since the second half was just hell and mental breakdowns)
• Journaling (not this journal, my own journal in my commonplace book, maybe ranting out my day and also saying stuff I am grateful for in each event)
• Eating healthy (I actually still eat healthy, haven't touched any junk food in like 2 years,  I eat lots of fruits and veggies, and everything is good, but I eat baked goods and stuff from time to time lately, like once or twice a week, which is eh)
• 4 hours of deep work studying a day
• Researching and applying to scholarships  (completable)
• Waking up early 
• Reworking/updating my LP (completable)

 

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY GET OVER THIS BULLSHIT 

So, this is a lot, how do I do this? I tried doing them all at once, of course I failed, so every month I will add stuff, and I will track all here
 

• This December : Daily meditation twice a day (total 1 hour) + update LP (something I can easily finish) + finish Scholarship audios (just download them, listen to them when I am out or walking).
• January: Deep work 4 hours a day + eat even healthier 
• February: Daily reading 
• March: Daily journaling + waking up early

My deadline for finishing applying to scholarships should be May

This way, I will add stuff slowly, ensure I stick to it, and it will last.

I used to do all of this before but stuff fell off, and I tried getting back, I stopped being able to stick to them, so I will do it slowly.

And right now, this month, even though the requirement of me is only certain stuff, I can do other stuff do, it is just that they are not a must, not a daily thing, just whenever I feel like it, like if I feel that I want to read, sure, or I feel like journaling, sure, but I won't be pushing myself daily for it.


I am not doing a lot of habits, just bare minimum stuff, because this year is very busy, I have classes most of the day and then a lot of studying for it as well.

So starting tomorrow, I will update my progress on this stuff, once a day.

Edited December 11, 2023 by Ayham

[Ayham]

ok so, here I am

I meditated, only once though, for about 30 minutes, I did 3 Kriya supreme fire, then 20 minutes of watching the breath, then 5 minutes of being aware of awareness/just being/ self-abidance / whatever 

I studied a lot, did very well in an exam

I read a lot, currently reading a physics books by Stephen Hawking called "the grand design" and a book by SantataGamana called "the yoga of consciousness" 

I listened to an audio recording part of the scholarship course

And throughout the day I maintained awareness of the ego for as much as I could

Now I am gonna journal in my commonplace book and sleep

I also ate healthy, except that, my mom made a cake and I was like "fine" so I ate a bit 

---

I mean, pretty average, not enough, but I am excusing myself because I want to build up slowly to where I was, and because I have a shit ton of studying