First Nightmare in 10 Years + Life Story and Psychedelics

[Keryo Koffa]

Background: 

I started psychedelics 2 months ago and had 7 profound trips until now. They ripped me out of depression, overthinking, limiting beliefs, social anxiety and narrow behavioral patters aligned with symptoms of almost every major disorder. I integrated alot. I'm no longer afraid to talk to strangers, I enjoy it. I spend more time on my passions and curiosity. I visited my family for the first time in almost a decade. I quit my robotic wage-slavery job. I contemplate existence and make progress. I completely changed my diet. I'm more in tune with my body and emotions. I'm about to continue psychedelics where I left off a month ago, only having had a single small dose but profound trip a week ago where I intuited the extent of god, its form and the arbitrariness of my avatar.

 

I travelled all day and was finally close to my hotel. I was overcome with sorrow, the same part of me that I seek to understand deeper and find out how to handle, lifelong loneliness. It's the only constant. I never cared about anything as much as that connection I see experienced at different occasions of my life. Materialism, comfort, knowledge, fun, fear, all distractions from my greatest meaning: Finding someone to experience existence with, share a deep emotional bond, and open oneself up to, unconditionally. I never experienced the depths of that desire's fulfillment but with certain groups and individuals, all I needed was presence and even if they didn't experience me, through empathy it was enough to experience them, but seperation for whatever timeframe was always suffering, only waiting to meet again.

 

I arrived at the hotel, I cried, it seemed to pass. I went to bed, I wrote down some contemplation questions for my upcoming trip, to understand the consistency, source, nature and variability of the love I seek, its form, when I experienced it, why, what its limited to and what to do of it. I felt content for the moment, I realized my mind's influence on moods and focused specifically on falling asleep and I did.

 

The Dream:

I dreamed I was in the same hotel, just booking in, getting a room that looks the same except much bigger. It was dark, evening. And I wasn't alone, there were 5 others with me, strangers but apparently we all came as a group. It felt like throughout we done some activities, were outside in sleeping bags at one point and walked around outside. Some time between midnight and morning, this activity we came there for was over and everyone was about to go home, either drive or get the bus. They told me I'd miss my bus but my stuff was all over the place and I had to pack. But it was the last bus before morning so I decided to just sleep for the rest of the night and leave in the morning without having to stress. 

 

So I was about to go to sleep, when the TV turned on. There was some show or film running about this family coming back from some kind of holiday. They stopped before a corn field and saw there was a house behind it. They talked, something about bad luck if they just moved on, there was something about the house that they had to visit to reconcile some superstition, or something like that. It just seemed like a weird disconnected place I guess and maybe they wanted to make sense of it to move on. So the family walked through the field and got to the house. They walked through it and found themselves at the upper level. The group consisted of a boy, a girl, three women I think. The boy said that something is wrong about that place and that the feeling comes from downstairs. They all went down to check and were looking around in a room. The girl started to act posessed and said something. They first dismissed it and acted more interested than scared. But she continued talking as they paid attention and then came that moment. I wasn't sure if to close my eyes or not since I knew it was coming and from my perspective it was only on TV. But the amalgamation of screaming sounds while her face morphed and grew new distorted faces. I covered my eyes with my hands, but the image was already in my mind and my imagination was running wild, so I didn't know if its more scary to open my eyes and look or for my imagination to continue. There was this sensation of a high pitch ringing noise in my ears you get when hit or something loud passes by. I opened my eyes and continued watching. She said something about being free, unmasked, real. And how the others must stop faking and hiding and show their true nature as well. The she touched one of the women and her face started to distort the same and then the other two. The first seemed rather content while the others struggled. But the fear factor was passing. The other two didn't grow an overlay of faces but theirs turned pale and ugly. They were resisting and felt confused, disoriented, scared. The girl wanted them to show their full self. I was feeling conflicted, on one hand this was the scarriest shit I've ever seen, on the other hand the faces being a metaphor for the true self we're hinding under a mask calmed me a little. Still, it felt like a mocking gesture, because of how insanely scary the morphing amalgamation and facial features and overlayed faces was. And I definitely did not feel ready to experience the full extent of that initial experience again, even though it had passed at that point. I still woke up with intense fear though, yet at this point the experience feels rather distant and subsided.

 

Afterthoughts:

I'm getting more in tune will all the aspects of myself that I was previously numb to. I noticed a while ago that I feel most alive in a setting of dislocation and unease, even though I avoided it so far due to discomfort and fear. I am getting exponentially faster at reasoning and making sense of existence and facing the world head on allowing myself to be myself. After both, experiencing profound loneliness coupled with sadness and then after that passed, full unadulterated fear and then integrating that experience as well, I wrote down: "I don't dismiss it, I let go of it. It's part of my subconscious memory now. My mind flows through emotions. I accept that experience passing and fading. It's part of my larger self now. The specific reverberates, the profound settles and the intuitive connects.". This is something I'd expect to experience on a bad trip, but I dreamed it instead. 

 

Yesterday, I had dozens of thoughts appear, as if they wanted to be integrated to give me more understanding and stability before my next trip, and to make it more profound by experiencing it from an expanded mindset, I also wrote down dozen upon dozens of questions that are very profound to me, issues that I need to think about and solve like loneliness, but also tons of perspectives I want to put myself into, strengthen that primordial connection to my body, learn how to breath through instinct and evolve the breathing that wim hof teaches but more intuitively. See what my body is capable of, see the depth, direction and nature of my emotions, figure our rationality, its traps and how to be able to get out of it and into my deeper sense without the need for words in my natural state. Contemplate and get in tune with the nature of consciousness and pure being. 

 

Fear like today is something I haven't experienced for at least a decade, the only emotion I felt was the duality between loneliness and love, a love for a conscious authentic entity, one I could grow to love the personality and being of. But would suffer whenever I couldn't be in their presence. From my youngest memories, those feelings were first linked to someone who was essentially an older brother for me, one I never had since I'm an only child and never had many friends. In my childhood, hanging out with the same two from time to time felt nice, but I'd wanna spend all day playing video games and doing outdoor activities eith him. And when I couldn't, I felt sad and lonely. Later it became a whole group of friends that I was introduced to by him and we spent half a year having fun every single day and it was the best time of my life, but groups fall apart. My sense of identity was weaker back then, I was completely mesmerized just spending time with them and doing things. I had another friend group years later but they didn't grow on me as much. And last, two years ago, I made friends that I could tell about my suffering and we supported each other and spent every day playing video games and talking but it didn't feel enough, I wish could have met them in person, we planned on meeting up in the summer, but relationship drama in the group made it fall apart and everyone moved their ways. I only made two new friends recently, ones that I resonate and can talk about anything with. And I started visiting family and am spending some time with my younger cousins. And now I am to them what my "older brother" was to me. 

 

On psychedelics I realized, that after unlocking my personality, I am the older brother I always wanted to have. But whether I'm on one side or the other, I still feel lonely when I can't spend time with someone authentic I resonate with. I am getting ever more conscious though. It's hard to say that my life is getting better, objectively its 1000^7 times better. Subjectively it's also this times better. But deeply, I'm facing depths of emotions I was always distracted away from. And it's profound sadness but it means. And it feels like each day I speedrun a lifetime of experiences and thoghts because that's how slow I was in my distracted overthinking state misprioritizing what actually matters. Now I face it and it's alot, but flowing through emotions, I'm already out of the fear within mitutes that would have previously traumatized me for months. I let go of the need for distractions that would rob me of collective lifespans of time. People spend their entire lives, full of work, distraction and drama just to reach a state of mind for a few hours that I'm in now just by allowing myself to be myself and not needing everything to become reality and by flowing and experiencing emotions others would repress forever. To think about it and appreciate it is part of it. 

 

And with psychedelics, whenever I think I'm good, after a trip I progress a thousand fold and unlock parts of my unconscious I have forgotten or maybe never even knew existed. I balance consistency and profoundness, but I integrate it and progress at a close pace to my last trip naturally after some contemplation for a few days. And it's getting ever more exponential, but the only limit is what I'm willing to accept, I can understand fast though to grasp it rationally and make sense of it outside the "interconnected brain" state of mind, as imagined as that limitation is, I need to contemplate it. But I realize my pace is just doing, if I can conceive of it, I can be it. It's about needing ever less thoughts to act and be the way one simulates inside all the time. If you have enough depth in your brain's simulation of reality and accounted for all the parameters, limits and reasons why it doesn't tend to be easy, then you can just do it. Instead of thinking it, you can be it instead. So that's my story and where I'm headed.

 

And many of you don't like stories and will tell me to just be Non-Dual instead, maybe its a delusion, but to me the journey is the destination and this is what I feel I need most right now, to make sense of it all and experience it at full intensity.