How To Let Go Of Negative Self-talk?

[joegarland]

I have a social skills coach in my head. He's not very nice.  He yells every time I talk to somebody. Here's what he sounds like:

"Why aren't you talking more? C'mon, hustle! Why aren't you being funnier? Remember to smile! Your topics are weak! Let's see that grin! Why aren't you laughing? Look, they're clearly not happy with you. Turn that charm up! 110 percent! Come on, you can do better than that!"

I've realized this recently: this happens every time I speak to someone. Every single time. Strangers, friends, or family. He never stops yelling. I leave every interaction feeling like I've underperformed. On a very deep level, I feel that no one likes me. 

This is the single biggest obstacle for me in making friends, and I'm ready to let it go.

My plan right now is to continue to disidentify with the self-talk. It may come up, but I don't have to believe it anymore. 

Does anyone have  further recommendations on how to smoothly switch to positive self-talk; how to speed along the process towards feeling good about myself around others? (Besides enlightenment, since that's an unreliable strategy ;) )

[JeffR1]

@joegarland Hi joegarland. I can associate with your social skills coach - mine has been there strong at times like you, though now seems to speak to me less. Why is that for me? I'm not totally sure, though I think it has something to do with my life experiences, work experiences and personal self development. For me, I've come to the conclusion that each of us knows deep down why we are like we are. I had a troubled upbringing, with lots of turmoil within the family. I felt fearful, ashamed, guilty, frustrated and a whole range of other feelings. As a result, I was very shy and felt horror at the thought of having any friends over to my house. A combination of all of this, I believe, lead to my social skills coach roaring at me. I'd like to suggest you do some inner investigation to see if you can identify what may have brought about such a tough inner coach in you. I found for me it took much self honesty, though in reality, I knew even before I asked the question of myself. It's kind of like, 'why wouldn't my inner voice be so loud and harsh after all of this?'! This is then a great starting point to work from - it really is the way of no looking back once you do this. Best wishes.

[Pallero]

There are several things you could do.

It's a very good start that you realized that the voice is there. Chances are it's not there just when you speak to someone, it's there all the time.

Try to go meta on the voice. Next time you hear it yelling, talk back to it. Question its opinions, beliefs and assumptions. Ask it: "Why should I be talking more? How do you know what that person is thinking about my smile, me or the way I talk? In fact, you don't know. You just assume and you could be wrong. Why do you assume that I'm not charming already? Why do you think that I have to smile?" And so long.

In time, you (and the voice) will start to realize that the voice is not speaking the truth, it's just an opinion. You will also realize that you cannot tell (and neither can the voice) what the person you are talking to is thinking about you. It can also help to notice that the voice can be contradicting itself. Its opinion can change depending on the situation and your mood. You will realize that it's not a reliable source of information. The less you trust it the weaker it gets. Although at the beginning it might feel like it's getting louder. That's because the voice - your ego - is trying to protect itself. It doesn't want to be quiet. It likes yelling. But you are always, infinitely, stronger than it.

Meditation will really help you notice the self-talk, listen to it, question it and quiet it down. When you are quiet, use positive affirmations like "everything is OK", "this is going very well", "I'm calm and content" or anything else you want your subconscious to believe. Don't yell positive affirmations back at the voice. They will upset it and it will yell even louder, get really pissed off or start to cry. Although that helps, it's not that smooth transition that you want.

Finally, write. If you like. I found this tool really helpful. When the voice starts yelling, take a pen and paper and write what it's saying to you. Don't leave anything out. Write all the nasty, belittling and horrible words and phrases it says. Then read what you wrote. Ask yourself "Would I talk like this to a friend? Why not? Then why am I talking like this to myself? Do I believe I need to beat myself up? Why? Do I believe I deserve it? Why?" And so long until you get to the root beliefs and causes. Usually at the bottom of everything is something like when you were a child, you weren't loved unconditionally. But it won't help you until you realize this for yourself.

Good luck!

[Vamptacular]

There is a great little book that I read years ago when I was 17, called "What to Say When You Talk To Yourself" by Shad Helmstetter.  check it out.  ;-)

[DanoDMano]

@joegarlandPersonally I think once you come to the realization that we as humans, are all equals, no matter our social standing or age, (financial,  possessions, career, attractiveness etc.) you will begin to feel more comfortable in your own skin.

Secondly, remember that you will not be accepted by everyone you meet, and that it is perfectly ok. If someone doesn't like you for your authentic self, there is nothing you can do about it. And if someone wants you to change something they don't like about you, then it's really their problem not yours. There are things you may want to change about yourself but that has to be your decision and no one else's. 

I know this is easier said than done. It took me a while to get to this conclusion myself. But once I stopped trying to be liked and trying to impress everyone I crossed paths with (because it doesn't happen no matter how hard you may try.) my conversations, facial expressions, and body language began to relax and become more natural and easy. This came across to others, and it became easy to make friendships that I thought would help my growth, but also avoid those relationships that I felt stunted my growth.

 Your still a young man. Every time this voice arises in your head, convince it that you're doing the best you can at the stage your at, and to stop expecting more than your capable of at this point in your life. Hopefully the shouts will turn to whispers and eventually silence, content in the fact that you are being your authentic self and nothing more. Continue on your journey and learn from every step along the way.       

[Kelley White]

On 2/14/2016 at 6:57 PM, joegarland said:

I have a social skills coach in my head. He's not very nice.  He yells every time I talk to somebody.

You and I must have the same coach? @joegarland

 

On 2/14/2016 at 0:10 AM, JeffR1 said:

I'd like to suggest you do some inner investigation to see if you can identify what may have brought about such a tough inner coach in you. I found for me it took much self honesty, though in reality, I knew even before I asked the question of myself. It's kind of like, 'why wouldn't my inner voice be so loud and harsh after all of this?'! This is then a great starting point to work from - it really is the way of no looking back once you do this. Best wishes.

I have to agree, I have been doing the same thing, its not always fun, its not always easy, but it does help you make that inner critic shit up.   Its a process, I remind myself daily.  @JeffR1

 

On 2/14/2016 at 0:16 AM, Pallero said:

Finally, write. If you like. I found this tool really helpful.

Wholly agree.  @Pallero

 

On 2/14/2016 at 0:35 PM, Vamptacular said:

There is a great little book that I read years ago when I was 17, called "What to Say When You Talk To Yourself" by Shad Helmstetter.  check it out.  ;-)

Looks like I good book, I checked it out on Amazon.  Thank you for sharing. @Vamptacular

 

On 2/14/2016 at 1:49 PM, DanoDMano said:

@joegarlandPersonally I think once you come to the realization that we as humans, are all equals, no matter our social standing or age, (financial,  possessions, career, attractiveness etc.) you will begin to feel more comfortable in your own skin.

Secondly, remember that you will not be accepted by everyone you meet, and that it is perfectly ok. If someone doesn't like you for your authentic self, there is nothing you can do about it. And if someone wants you to change something they don't like about you, then it's really their problem not yours. There are things you may want to change about yourself but that has to be your decision and no one else's. 

I know this is easier said than done. It took me a while to get to this conclusion myself. But once I stopped trying to be liked and trying to impress everyone I crossed paths with (because it doesn't happen no matter how hard you may try.) my conversations, facial expressions, and body language began to relax and become more natural and easy. This came across to others, and it became easy to make friendships that I thought would help my growth, but also avoid those relationships that I felt stunted my growth.

 Your still a young man. Every time this voice arises in your head, convince it that you're doing the best you can at the stage your at, and to stop expecting more than your capable of at this point in your life. Hopefully the shouts will turn to whispers and eventually silence, content in the fact that you are being your authentic self and nothing more. Continue on your journey and learn from every step along the way.       

@DanoDMano Good Stuff there. Thank you.