I am in literal hell

[An young being]

16 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Unironically, my nightmare did involve a pickup truck driver who I assumed was calling the cops on me, but never did.

I had a sort of nightmare too yesterday, but there were no trucks in it.

[Breakingthewall]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

In the same way that in my past when there would be releases of resistance it didn’t feel like I was the one doing it, it was happening spontaneously, not like “I let go” In the same way when my sense of self gets extremely weak i don’t experience it as I’m the one holding on or resisting, but it’s like choiceless. Like movement is movement it’s not doing the action of moving kind of. 

Maybe you are a natural mystic like Ramana Maharshi. I suppose that little by little you will lose the fear of dissolution and you will see for yourself.

[An young being]

@Sugarcoat, I have a few questions, you don't have to answer it if you feel uncomfortable or difficulty in doing so:

1. The physical pain you talk about, how does it feel like? Does it feel like a headache? An external wound?

And when does it occur? When you do nothing? When you slip into loss of sense of self? When you are forced against your will?

2. The feeling of not having free will, can you describe in detail why you think that way and at exactly what point you feel that?

My advice would be to do grounding exercises, you can search for yoga asanas related to grounding and try them everyday instead of exercise.

[An young being]

Another question would be: What actions led to this experience? What were you trying to do before coming to this state?

[Yimpa]

28 minutes ago, An young being said:

Another question would be: What actions led to this experience? What were you trying to do before coming to this state?

My dream also involved me crying out for help to my family to understand me, but no matter how hard I tried, they wouldn’t listen.

I realize that I need to let go of my idea of family in order to fully embody my true self.

[Sugarcoat]

8 hours ago, BlueOak said:

Let me know if what i've suggested many times in these posts helps or not - Water. Breathing. Nature. Air. Calm environment. I don't think you being stuck in this cyclic reasoning or rationalization of the experience as it's happening is helping you right now. Sometimes you just have to let the spiritual experience happen, the resistance is what causes the problem, then reflect on it afterward and its meaning.
 

I’ve been out in nature, I’m outside at work every day. The unease is not like the common type of stress and anxiety and is not affected by breathing. Environment doesn’t affect it either. The sense of self is so fundamental that depending on sort of how much it’s struggling or not is what determines how all of reality seems - so the outside doesn’t affect it, it’s from inside out, not outside in affect

 

this seemingly cyclic reasoning is just me describing my experience . It’s neither helping nor not helping, talking about this doesn’t change this process. In this very moment I’m kinda fine, but I feel very vague, like I could slip in any moment . So I’m talking about it because I’m just interacting, a bit of desperation in it

 

that “resistance” against “dissolving” is not from my experience something that I’m actively doing, it’s being done but I’m sort of experiencing it if that makes sense. So the horribleness of it feels completely choiceless that that is how it seems, like I have absolutely no choice in experiencing it negatively 

[Sugarcoat]

2 hours ago, An young being said:

Apart from seeing or getting advice from a spiritual teacher, you may have to see a psychologist as well. Although spiritual teachers are good with grounding and stuff, psychologists know a thing or two about treating these things as well. It's not necessary to know the cause in detail to treat a disease.

From my experience, this is 100% from “inside out” . So when my sense of self was at its absolute weakest - other people reflect that in the sense that they barely feel real at all to me either. Barely in this moment too.  So far the only thing having any affect whatsoever is physical resistance, however crazy it might seem

 

grounding from what I understand is more coming back to the body . This is more a severe weakening of sense of self and its process and attempts to build itself up something like that although the words can’t really describe this

as I said before - this is a result of years of shifting, untangling, opening , change in my body/brain/mind etc 

 

I am almost fully certain - that if a scientist would scan my brain - they would be able to see what I’m talking about - this extremely vague sense of self from all the change that has occurred inside. That is beyond psychology. It’s beyond emotions , particular thoughts, it’s so fundamental 

Edited December 8, 2023 by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

1 hour ago, Breakingthewall said:

Maybe you are a natural mystic like Ramana Maharshi. I suppose that little by little you will lose the fear of dissolution and you will see for yourself.

Well this body/brain I was born into is extremely unique yes, naturally mystic one could say. I’ve just been along for the ride 

 

the suffering from my experience isn’t really a fear of dissolution because you can’t imagine dissolution -  it’s more that this very nagging activity of trying to maintain itself from dissolving , that is the suffering -

like I am the very thing that is trying to maintain itself - not like I am doing it, but it’s being done automatically and I’m the experiencer of it if that makes sense. 
 

I wish it didn’t hurt. But I don’t feel there is any choice in that

Edited December 8, 2023 by Sugarcoat

[Sugarcoat]

1 hour ago, An young being said:

@Sugarcoat, I have a few questions, you don't have to answer it if you feel uncomfortable or difficulty in doing so:

1. The physical pain you talk about, how does it feel like? Does it feel like a headache? An external wound?

And when does it occur? When you do nothing? When you slip into loss of sense of self? When you are forced against your will?

2. The feeling of not having free will, can you describe in detail why you think that way and at exactly what point you feel that?

My advice would be to do grounding exercises, you can search for yoga asanas related to grounding and try them everyday instead of exercise.

1. Well the physical pain refers to pain from exercise . What I’m saying with all this is that when you push against resistance in physical exercise you literally produce sense of self. And the harder you go the more sense of self is produced. My body mind figured this out through direct experience. it wants me to go towards that resistance to build myself up. And that is extremely disturbing 

when the sense of self is absolute weakest , or just when it weakens in general it’s this very deep unease that can’t really be pin pointed as it permeates your entire being . It’s not physical it’s more your relationship to everything

 2. 

well it’s more that when the sense of self is weak it doesn’t feel like I’m making choices more like I’m being driven to different things. So this workout thing I’m talking about something in me just decided 

 

The sense of self has a very intimate relationship with resistance. This workout thing is unfortunately very real in my experience. I wish it wasn’t like this. These past weeks have been horrible. In this very moment I am somewhat fine but I know it won’t last. 
 

Anything that is relaxing doesn’t help in my experience because the suffering I’m going through relates to something that is more fundamental than stress or mental activity 

[Sugarcoat]

1 hour ago, An young being said:

Another question would be: What actions led to this experience? What were you trying to do before coming to this state?

For basically all my life, accelerating very rapidly after my awakening this April has been this process of dissolving of mental layers , shifts, unraveling in my system etc. happening naturally and spontaneously mostly 

I’ve been working on different things in my life in these phases, so all this inner stuff happening, then social stuff in my past, financial, working on my fitness in my past, “self improvement” stuff.
 

although the internal stuff has been dominating my experience - something very fundamental to how my body/mind works is that I’m basically like 100% “turned inward on myself” . Been like that all my life, so anything happening inside is what I’m mostly aware of and anything outside is just background noise, that’s why I might seem so unreachable because I do truly function from “inside out” . 

[Breakingthewall]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

although the internal stuff has been dominating my experience - something very fundamental to how my body/mind works is that I’m basically like 100% “turned inward on myself” . Been like that all my life, so anything happening inside is what I’m mostly aware of and anything outside is just background noise, that’s why I might seem so unreachable because I do truly function from “inside out” . 

I have that perception too, I feel that the reality is inside me,  my work is going in. I have to open the thing totally. 

[UnbornTao]

@Sugarcoat 

Check out Break through Pain by Shinzen Young.

Edited December 9, 2023 by UnbornTao

[Breakingthewall]

@Sugarcoat  

I would say that I have gone through something similar but forcing it with psychedelics. I did it because my mental vibration was suffering and I wanted to eliminate that, so I broke my psyche over and over again with 5meo. The first times the experience has been empty. I am nothing, there is no body, no memories, nothing. a void that extends without limit. It was a horrible experience that created in me a feeling of existential horror, of death. I kept putting myself there, since I knew that I had to break that barrier. The emptiness does not have to be horrible, it is emptiness, it is the ego that judges it horrible, you have to be able to endure the emptiness without horror. I more or less succeeded, then I was able to go beyond the void.

It is the unthinkable, reality breaks, and everything is in it. total existence. You can't think about it or remember it, because thinking is limited. It is impossible, it is something like you are breadth, and that breadth lives. It is everything, but it is not defined, it is not thinkable. This is total joy, the return of the long road. The problem is that when you lose that, you have lost it, but if you are able to open yourself to that for one minute every day, your life will be full of light, power, joy.

[An young being]

9 hours ago, Yimpa said:

realize that I need to let go of my idea of family in order to fully embody my true self.

You don't have to let go of the idea of a family, instead you can try to expand the idea of family to everyone and everything around you.

[An young being]

9 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

Environment doesn’t affect it either. The sense of self is so fundamental that depending on sort of how much it’s struggling or not is what determines how all of reality seems - so the outside doesn’t affect it, it’s from inside out, not outside in affect

The outside world does affect it, as you have stated physical exercise brings the sense of self back to you to some extent. So, don't believe that the outside world cannot change you, instead seek external help from a psychologist or a good spiritual teacher. Exercise is something from the outside, not from the inside. 

 

9 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

Well the physical pain refers to pain from exercise . What I’m saying with all this is that when you push against resistance in physical exercise you literally produce sense of self. And the harder you go the more sense of self is produced. My body mind figured this out through direct experience. it wants me to go towards that resistance to build myself up. And that is extremely disturbing 

You don't have to do extremely hard physical exercise, if it causes you lot of pain. You have made the assumption that the bodymind wants you to do that in extremes. Instead, entertain the fact that physical exercise is one of the many ways to ground yourself, that's why it is helping you to get back your sense of self. Try easy yoga poses that helps you ground, it's available in the internet. Try having fun with different poses or exercises instead of repeating a single thing again and again. Try walking as an exercise outside as frequently as can, as long it doesn't cause you pain.

9 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

well it’s more that when the sense of self is weak it doesn’t feel like I’m making choices more like I’m being driven to different things. So this workout thing I’m talking about something in me just decided 

Can you try to describe the feeling in detail? How did you come to the assumption that you are not in control?

9 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

Anything that is relaxing doesn’t help in my experience because the suffering I’m going through relates to something that is more fundamental than stress or mental activity 

Try connecting with nature in depth, try to observe an ant or a squirrel or a bird which has life moving around. Also open YouTube and watch natural videos like these with the biggest screen you have: 

These videos are not only meant for relaxation, but also helps you bring life back into you.

Edited December 9, 2023 by An young being

[Yimpa]

43 minutes ago, An young being said:

You don't have to let go of the idea of a family, instead you can try to expand the idea of family to everyone and everything around you.

My Uncle Sam is going through some hard times right now.  

He also happens to be a chair.

[An young being]

17 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

My Uncle Sam is going through some hard times right now.  

He also happens to be a chair.

Ha ha, works great when you wish to develop your compassion and you have very few opportunities around you to practice it.

[Yimpa]

@An young being I just came home from a party… approached a woman there who was very lonely. I’m glad I was able to make her night feel a lot better, even if only temporarily. 

We played a game of Jenga together 

[kieranperez]

Haven't read the full thread but if this is a real shift and breakthrough and you're struggling, reach out to a teacher that can assist you and maybe help you. I can help provide some resources to some people if you need it. Just send me a message succinctly explaining what happened (I know it can be hard to explain) and what's going on now and I can try and refer you to some good people to work with. 

[An young being]

34 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

@An young being I just came home from a party… approached a woman there who was very lonely. I’m glad I was able to make her night feel a lot better, even if only temporarily. 

We played a game of Jenga together 

Sounds like a night well spent!