I am in literal hell

[Sugarcoat]

This April 20th, the same day as a total solar eclipse I had a permanent spiritual awakening 

Ever since then, I would have these shifts and releases every single day

It was an exciting process mostly but I had no idea that it was accumulating into an almost total wipeout of myself 

About a month ago pretty much all resistance in me was dissolved and it was like I started to melt into my environment. Reality and everyone lost almost all its 3D and realness. 

This was not temporary. This was permanently going in a certain direction. 

it was horrible

Then from nowhere something in me was like “you have to push yourself”. So I started to do these little workout things. 

After pushing my body I noticed how there would arise a little sense of self

Basically something in me figured out that when you push against resistance in physical training , it produces sense of self and thus all of reality as a consequence . And the intensity of the resistance is exactly proportionate to this sense of self so more resistance more sense of self. 

It’s very difficult for me to explain this. But ever since then I’ve been stuck in this cycle day in day out . Where I work out and it produces a little sense of self, then it starts to melt again and I have to go back again even harder. 

Yesterday for example I did three of David goggings live workouts in a row. It was hard. But I still feel almost non existent. 

It’s hard for me to explain my “pov” . But it’s like I’m almost headless and have to be constantly maintained. 

It sickens me to my stomach. My mind cannot possibly grasp what I’m going through.

Basically , if I don’t absolutely torture myself-  I will never reach reality. 

Im stuck in this cycle, this walking dead thing. And my ~only~ way out is a seemingly endless mountain of resistance.

It is not possible to “surrender” to this. It doesn’t work like that. When my sense of self weakens even more it doesn’t feel like I’m the one driving my steps to do what I do. 

I am in such deep hell my mind cannot phantom it. I try to comfort myself with the idea of suicide as a possibility if it gets absolutely unbearable, but it doesn’t work because my ability to grasp that idea is dependent on the vague sense of self produced. When I was deepest in the void such an idea is so vague it brings no relief. 

To make myself clear. I am not crazy. Some context I’m 20 years old woman, been doing good all my life in school and all, work full time , fully functional like everyone else from outside perspective. Lived a very odd existence from my pov. Have had telepathy several times, as I said spiritual awakening etc. All of that came to me without much effort, but the one thing that doesn’t come without effort is literally all of reality. 

I believe few if any humans in history have gone through this. 

My mind cannot grasp this, it’s absolutely impossible. It tries and it sickens me to my core. As I’m writing this my sense of self is so extremely weak and it’s like I’m standing on a thin line. Don’t know why I am even posting when nothing barely feels real.  Desperation

[Osaid]

Have you considered talking to a professional to rule out derealization or some such thing, or even just looking at the symptoms and potential solutions online?

Aside from that, I see a narrative of "reaching reality" and "things that feel real." I would look here and question this.

How is it possible for something to feel "non-existent", what does that actually feel like? Those choice of words can't actually be the case, since it is something you must be feeling, no? Could you feel or find something that is "empty" or "non-existent" in your experience, even if you tried? Maybe a better description is a "vastness" or "ungroundedness"?

In the midst of all of this, do you ever feel overly panicked at times? For example, you are triggered by some thought pattern or perception, and then you are overridden with a fast racing heartbeat, and then maybe a looming sense of anxiety, and also a feeling of being hyperfixated on your present experience?

Also, how do you feel listening to music that you like, better or worse? Or when you're taking a shower?

[numbersinarow]

I wonder... are there examples of people with this condition, or a mild version of it which is what I think I might have, using it as a power?

[Sugarcoat]

40 minutes ago, Osaid said:

Have you considered talking to a professional to rule out derealization or some such thing, or even just looking at the symptoms and potential solutions online?

Aside from that, I see a narrative of "reaching reality" and "things that feel real." I would look here and question this.

How is it possible for something to feel "non-existent", what does that actually feel like? Those choice of words can't actually be the case, since it is something you must be feeling, no? Could you feel or find something that is "empty" or "non-existent" in your experience, even if you tried? Maybe a better description is a "vastness" or "ungroundedness"?

In the midst of all of this, do you ever feel overly panicked at times? For example, you are triggered by some thought pattern or perception, and then you are overridden with a fast racing heartbeat, and then maybe a looming sense of anxiety, and also a feeling of being hyperfixated on your present experience?

Also, how do you feel listening to music that you like, better or worse? Or when you're taking a shower?

It’s not fully non existent that’s not possible to experience it’s extremely vague existence 

it’s in a way impossible to describe like this post doesn’t encapsulate it directly because it’s about literally your sense of self, the most direct thing ever

Thoughts are no problem it is something more fundamental then thoughts which decides how thoughts are experienced

I know I’m not answering all you asked but simply it is not that. Derealization could pass, come and go this is not like that. Panic and anxiety too

 

music has no effect. Nothing affects it from outside

[Sugarcoat]

45 minutes ago, numbersinarow said:

I wonder... are there examples of people with this condition, or a mild version of it which is what I think I might have, using it as a power?

I don’t know what you’re talking about but this is not that. But nothing from outside has affect on it so doesn’t matter what you name it

 

like I’m at work right now and can kind of feel myself sinking impossible to describe 

Edited December 7, 2023 by Sugarcoat

[Osaid]

7 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

It’s not fully non existent that’s not possible to experience it’s extremely vague existence 

it’s in a way impossible to describe like this post doesn’t encapsulate it directly because it’s about literally your sense of self, the most direct thing ever

Does it feel like you're desperately clinging onto what makes up your identity? You said at a certain point it felt like "all resistance was dissolved", do you still agree with this statement, that all your resistance is dissolved? 

If you want my really succinct and general analysis simply from what I've been told so far, you pointed to some kind of non-dual experience, but it seems like the ego somehow got a hold of it, which is just to say that there is some sense of self or identification which is causing friction in your experience. I see that it is difficult for you to communicate, but I am trying to piece together all your analogies and descriptions.

If there is any resistance, maybe what you're feeling is you trying to "latch" on to your identity and then failing, which creates a feeling of resistance or detachment of some sort? Like, something you can never reach even though you want to?

17 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

music has no effect. Nothing affects it from outside

Is your experience of music any bit similar to how it previously was? 

Does it feel like everything is the same, except that it is "distorted" in some way? Like there is some kind of lens covering your experience? 

Can you still feel emotions normally?

[itsadistraction]

3 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

My mind cannot grasp this, it’s absolutely impossible. It tries and it sickens me to my core. 

Did you do 5 Meo? Too bad your unique experience doesn't feel ecstatic.... It would be awesome if it did. Hope you get better soon!

Edited December 7, 2023 by itsadistraction

[Salvijus]

This joke is tailor made for for you

 

[Sugarcoat]

3 hours ago, Osaid said:

Does it feel like you're desperately clinging onto what makes up your identity? You said at a certain point it felt like "all resistance was dissolved", do you still agree with this statement, that all your resistance is dissolved? 

If you want my really succinct and general analysis simply from what I've been told so far, you pointed to some kind of non-dual experience, but it seems like the ego somehow got a hold of it, which is just to say that there is some sense of self or identification which is causing friction in your experience. I see that it is difficult for you to communicate, but I am trying to piece together all your analogies and descriptions.

If there is any resistance, maybe what you're feeling is you trying to "latch" on to your identity and then failing, which creates a feeling of resistance or detachment of some sort? Like, something you can never reach even though you want to?

Is your experience of music any bit similar to how it previously was? 

Does it feel like everything is the same, except that it is "distorted" in some way? Like there is some kind of lens covering your experience? 

Can you still feel emotions normally?

I could say that it’s like what I am is this thing that is trying to maintain itself. So it doesn’t feel like there is a choice in it like I am clinging and could let go. And it is pure misery in a way that is beyond an emotion or state

and it’s not identity in the sense of different qualities about me like I am this I am that way, I have absolutely zero attachments to anything but my literal own self and that is choice less

I didn’t mean all resistance, but rather that there seemed to be a block between me and reality, me and something deeper in myself. then that block dissolves, it seemed like you would get to something you would like on the other side but then it realizes that there is nothing there and seeks to maintain and grow itself. And it found pushing against resistance is the only way , I don’t even understand this
 

 back in high school already I would have these shifts where reality seemed closer. “ Resistance “Layers of mind dissolving , then after awakening every day, so layers of mind, energy released, neurological level too, it all added up to a point it was like and still is like ~almost~ no center looking out, and it is desperately trying to maintain itself. Kind of like you have strings attached to you pulling at every moment but you are those string an impossible to describe but it is straight up misery. 

also everything I say barely feels real to me at all like it is so extremely vague. 

 

no non dual experience here. That sounds like a total wipeout that’s not what I’m describing here.

 

the exercise thing with the resistance is very very real 

 

I go could on for hours describing this but it would not encapsulate what I’m going through 

My  experience of everything is directly related to my sense of self so music included gets vaguer so I stopped listening . No joy in anything 

 it’s the lack of depth and 3D to reality , extremely close . Not at all lens

 

i don’t experience emotions no there’s not really much robustness in me that could be moved by anything 

 Nothing I or nobody says has any affect on it whatsoever 

[Sugarcoat]

2 hours ago, itsadistraction said:

Did you do 5 Meo? Too bad your unique experience doesn't feel ecstatic.... It would be awesome if it did. Hope you get better soon!

never done psychedelics nor pursued spirituality much it all came pretty natural except whatever this misery is

[Thought Art]

I think there is a good book called “collision with the infinite” which may help you 

 

I also wonder if Qigong would help you relax a bit…

[Sugarcoat]

4 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

I think there is a good book called “collision with the infinite” which may help you 

 

I also wonder if Qigong would help you relax a bit…

I function 100% from inside, so nothing from the outside has any effect on my state at all basically 

 

Relaxation is the opposite of what I need. I’m not stressed in any sort of tense way it’s beyond stress. There’s not really a point in me even writing this because it makes no difference 

 

[Yimpa]

10 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

There’s not really a point in me even writing this because it makes no difference 

The point is to see how God’s Imagination is playing out right now. 

Or how it’s penning out. 

Edited December 7, 2023 by Yimpa

[Sugarcoat]

4 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

The point is to see how God’s Imagination is playing out right now. 

Or how it’s penning out. 

Reality doesn’t care it’s brutality has no limits 

[Thought Art]

@Sugarcoat That book is about someone who went through something similar I think. 
 

I under estimate Qigong as well… could be worth a try.

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

@Sugarcoat That book is about someone who went through something similar I think. 
 

I under estimate Qigong as well… could be worth a try.

The less sense of self I have the less it feels I am the one driving my actions and I’m being moved towards the resistance its a hopeless cycle 

[Thought Art]

@Sugarcoat I don’t really understand what you are going through. But, harmonizing your mind body is likely to help. As is reading about someone who went through what you’re going through. But, also because I don’t understand I’m not gonna say anything further. 
 

Stop grasping and grasping. You exist. Just go about reality as it is.

 

You aren’t crazy, but maybe dealing with high stress, anxiety and even OCD. Just relax. 

 

Edited December 7, 2023 by Thought Art

[Yimpa]

7 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Reality doesn’t care it’s brutality has no limits 

Until it’s not.

[Sugarcoat]

3 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

@Sugarcoat I don’t really understand what you are going through. But, harmonizing your mind body is likely to help. As is reading about someone who went through what you’re going through. But, also because I don’t understand I’m not gonna say anything further. 
 

Stop grasping and grasping. You exist. Just go about reality as it is.

I don’t understand either

[Yimpa]

7 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I don’t understand either

See reality how you uniquely see it, not how others have conditioned you to see it.

Paradoxically in doing so, you will have a closer connection to others. 

Edited December 7, 2023 by Yimpa