I am in literal hell

[Sugarcoat]

2 hours ago, Osaid said:

Mental illness and spirituality converge, of course. You can go about fixing it in a "spiritual" way or perspective, or something more scientific, both try to deal with the same problem. Enlightenment or no self is really unrelated though. Anything prior to genuine realization is basically limbo and has infinite variety in suffering or delusion.

Mental illness would be like a condition idk

 

imagine walking around and you are almost headless , but not 100%, but almost. Everything you’re looking at is extremely close, and there’s an extremely vague sense of anyone looking at all

It’s not going to bounce back by itself. This is not some temporary thing, it has been moving in this direction for years after

 

then something very deep in my brain figured out that by pushing against resistance in physical exercise, it creates this robustness in the brain literally, and the sense of self can build itself back. And the harder the exercise the more robustness is built . It’s like a neurological process 

 

so as my sense of self weakens, what happens is that flashing before my eyes are these constant images of physical exercise . And as my sense of autonomy goes down, something eventually drives me towards it as this self-preservation act. Then I do it until it hurts, and this tiny self is produced in me. But it’s so weak, and starts to dissolve again. When it starts to dissolve, there’s this automatic hellish “resistance” to dissolving that goes on automatically, it’s nobody doing it it’s just being done, but I’m sort of “living it”. And the cycle goes repeats itself

 

and the only way out, something in me figured is absolutely torterous physical exercise to extremely intense degrees to create enough robustness so the sense of self has a solid foundation to rest on

 

or being stuck in this cycle forever going back and forth in this middle ground

as I’m writing this there’s this tiny self; but as I’ve said a 100 times I just know it will start to dissolve and then something knows how to build it up again and it’s like I’m driven to the exercise .

 

i know it sounds crazy, but the sort of weakened state, it’s absolutely utterly something else than what I’ve ever experienced 

 

it’s like a “reverse reality”, like everything you’re looking at is completely flat and 2d and it stays like that- the only only thing having any effect is physical resistance. So it’s like absolute hell in both directions. An absolute nightmare and I have this underlying terror of slipping into the cycle again

 

 

[Sugarcoat]

Nobody understands the exercise thing and that is fine. I wish it wasn’t like that 

 

for example David goggings calls it “callousing the mind”

it’s a very real thing that happens and I experience it directly in my workouts 

the harder you go - there’s this “hardening” that happens in your brain. 
 

then it’s like the sense of self rests in this and has a solid foundation. So it’s building back a sense of self 

something in me figured this out

so as my sense of self starts to dissolve to extremely degrees - these thoughts about exercise intensify to like almost every second - it’s like my brain showing me what I need to preserve myself. It’s not me creating those thoughts 

 

it’s not “I want to keep myself alive” it’s like this self preservation thing, I’m walking into my workouts almost fully headless literally. Like something deeper in me drives me towards it eventually. Like a continuous cycle.

It’s not like this crazy idea I came up with “let’s exercise”, it’s this physiological thing that works a certain way, and my brain knows it does so it’s trying to preserve me

 

I can’t surrender to dissolving - it sounds lovely if that was possible, but I’m not the one doing the resistance to dissolving it happens automatically, and this self preservation takes over. 

[Sugarcoat]

5 hours ago, Yimpa said:

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry if some of my previous replies may have come off as insensitive. I was not being sensitive towards the pain that you’re going through right now and was only thinking about myself. Please know that we’re all here for you as you’re going through this painful process.

Thnx❤️

[GLORY]

On 07/12/2023 at 9:29 AM, Sugarcoat said:

And the intensity of the resistance is exactly proportionate to this sense of self so more resistance more sense of self. 

@Sugarcoat What do you mean with sense of self 
feeling of your body? 
feeling of 'I am here and not there'?

[Salvijus]

@Sugarcoat

2 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

resistance to dissolving it happens automatically, and this self preservation takes over. 

IT'S NOT AUTOMATIC

IT'S DRIVEN BY FEAR. (or self preservation like you call it) 

AND ALL FEAR CAN BE EMBRACED, SURRENDERED, MADE CONCIOUS. TRANSCENDED, MASTERED

UGHHHHHH

I'M SO PISSED LOL. 

NOOOOOOOoooooo

Edited December 10, 2023 by Salvijus

[Salvijus]

@Sugarcoat drill this into your head that you have the power to let go of the whole universe. Especially fear(self preservation) driven bahvior. Regain your POWER woman. 

"Powerrr, power is goo_ood

Ye ye Ye, 

Na na na Na na na

Fuck yea" ~psalm of David. 

Edited December 10, 2023 by Salvijus

[Schizophonia]

13 hours ago, Yimpa said:

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry if some of my previous replies may have come off as insensitive. I was not being sensitive towards the pain that you’re going through right now and was only thinking about myself. Please know that we’re all here for you as you’re going through this painful process.

No, it's perfectly normal, why would you be emotionally involved for someone who isn't part of your entourage?

8 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

Nobody understands the exercise thing and that is fine. I wish it wasn’t like that 

 

for example David goggings calls it “callousing the mind”

 

This guy is severely mentally ill, has destroyed his body and especially his feet because of his exercises and is probably infertile.

 

Edited December 10, 2023 by Schizophonia

[Yimpa]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

No, it's perfectly normal, why would you be emotionally involved for someone who isn't part of your entourage?

The way I relate to people is not normal.