Rejecting The Old Self vs. Integrating It

[ivankiss]

If you have a heart, witnessing your old self dying, is the most heart - breaking experience in existence. I imagine it can be compared to holding your dying child in your arms, seeing it in the deepest of pain... suffering, struggling to breathe, gripping to the last touch of your hand... 

That is how it feels in my experience, at least.

This thought strike me earlier, while admiring some of the "great ones". My personal heroes. 

I couldn't help myself but notice, that throughout the years, some of them kept their spark... and some lost touch with it.

It's only natural, one would think... And it is, yes. But the insight that I had, which can be supported by various evidence, was that those who kept their spark, managed to somehow integrate their old self... and those who lost it, rejected their old self.

Most of these "heroes" went through all kinds of challenges and struggles... Some own it to this day. And some talk about it as if it wasn't even them. As if it was a different lifetime. A different hero.

I cannot help myself but notice the disconnection. The rejection. The shame. The guilt. The regret. 

That is why they lost "that something". Because they threw out a big chunk of themselves, in an attempt to separate themselves from it and become someone new.

Ever seen this? I'm sure many can relate. 

I'm also sure many arguments can be made against this. Some probably valid, too.

But ultimately, I think that's what it comes down to. Will you integrate or reject your "old, flawed" self? That's what makes you have that spark in your eyes. That's what makes you have that special something, that nobody can really point their finger at. That's the magic. 

Die to yourself. Die a million times, if needed. Be there for yourself, every moment of your darkest hour.

Death is only natural, as is birth. Rejection, separation... not so much, arguably.