Need Some Help And Advice On Some Strange Occurrences

[Heart of Space]

I've hit a road bump recently with my meditation.  Everything was going really well, I was consistently hitting anywhere from 3 to 5 hours of meditation per day, plus many hours of mindfulness.  On top of that, I was eating healthy, abstaining from all addictive things such as caffeine, sugar, alcohol, and sensual entertainment *cough*.  Basically, I was really really disciplined and almost all my free time that I had went into meditation.

Out of nowhere I started getting an old craving that I hadn't had in years.  I wanted to play a video game.  Like really intensely.  So I borrowed that new Zelda game from my brother and put about 50 hours into it in 6 days beating it just yesterday.  During that time I've drink a shit load of caffeine, drank alcohol almost every night.  The urges came and it's like all my discipline that I had built up fell apart very easily.  It's like I'm at war with my ego.  I haven't meditated a single minute in the last week either or made an effort to be mindful. 

The weird thing is, it feels like something is changing within my experience of reality.  I can't put my finger on it, but I've had moments were I have felt very high consciousness, almost psychedelic level.  I also had a weird experience yesterday that freaked me out several when my body had this strange feeling of euphoria and energy that is still there now.  My leg started moving on it's own and I couldn't control it, the energy went through my body, mainly my upper stomach, neck, and chest area, and that one leg.  I literally had the thoughts that I was going die, or have a stroke, it was very frightening and put me into a highly panicked state.  Another example I was having a conversation with someone that was highly bothersome to me and I had so much euphoria that I almost forgot what I was saying mid sentence and was smiling uncontrollably like an idiot.  There's also a sense of me not making my decisions, thinking my thoughts, or doing my behaviors, so I guess I'm very depersonalized (not in a horrible negative way though, it feels very neutral an inconsequential).  It's really bizarre.  I'm not typing right now, it's just kind of happening, which is something that I've felt like for a while now, but it feels much more extreme now.  I'm not enlightened or anything, I don't mean to imply it at all.  There's more stuff I could talk about, but I think this gives you an idea. 

I don't really have a teacher or anyone more experienced than me that can make sense of this.  So, I'm just putting this on the forum just to see if anything valuable comes from it.  I know it's difficult to diagnose in detail my experience with a few sentences, but I'm hoping someone can relate to this and maybe make sense of my situation. 

[Arkandeus]

balance is the key,

real balance is not in abstaining. 
to abstain is to do, it is not to be 
seeking is bad
avoidance is seeking to not seek, so it's still seeking
 
if you want to stop gaming or drinking alcohol let it stop naturally, meaning you don't do these things for a long while but when you feel like doing them, you do them in full acceptance and trust. 

 
it's like waves, let there be a long wave of not playing and drinking, then a short wave of playing and drinking, and if you accept this natural process, the longer waves will get longer and the shorter waves will get shorter, till there's no more short waves, if that's what you really want and need. 

On the matter of your perceived ''depersonalization'', in my book you are letting your true self shine. 
Your natural self is effortless and instant. Literally. 
Which is why it feels like things are kind of happening and you feel like you're not thinking and using your mind. 
Which is exactly what you want, bypass the mind and access the higher self/ the divine mind, thinking and decisions happen instantly in a millisecond on higher level intelligence.  

you are not losing yourself, you are being more of yourself

 

Edited April 3, 2017 by Arkandeus

[Gopackgo]

The terror is the me thought realizing its not real. This is all natural. Basically, there is an absence of me thought, then the me thought arises and says "holy shit where the fuck have i been." Then that same thought arises as terror. There is nothing you can do but whatever you do. Relax and let what occurs occur. It's not bad that the me thought is not real. It never existed, so it is stressed about something that has always been. It just is a recognition of what is. It is only a thought like all other thoughts and sensations. When that is recognized truly, the terror arises less frequently.

[PureExp]

Its normal, don't worry

Ego hits back, it wants to survive and purification produces all kinds of bodily movements and sensations and behaviours and even pains.

Just remember that all experiences come and go. Nothing lasts. Just be very-very aware, intensely aware of what is happening, and it will lose its grip on you. Try to know more on why this happens, if you are curious, instead of turning it into a problem that must be solved. If you give it serious importance, Ego wins.

It is not necessary to drag yourself forcefully on the meditation cushion everyday. If it happens, it happens, else its of no use. Whenever you find yourself free from distractions, sit silently. That's all you need to do.

[electroBeam]

@Heart of Space everyone has said very good advice, i just want to add something:

In consciousness work, weird experiences like these will only get weirder and weirder and more crazy as time goes on.

Soon your entire body will be moving without the ego's input (in fact thats what happening right now, youre just unaware of it).

Try reaffirming yourself that everything that happens is very normal, very natural and is a good thing. Not having control is totally ok, and believe in your body to be able to do what it deems necessary to relieve suffering in your life.

Try and let go (sadona method or otherwise) of controlling your mind and body whenever you can (walking to work etc).

And be comfortable with paranormal/very weird experiences that go outside the boundaries of the physical world.

Accept everything that god accepts and you will be in bliss.

[Heart of Space]

4 hours ago, Arkandeus said:

balance is the key,

real balance is not in abstaining. 
to abstain is to do, it is not to be 
seeking is bad
avoidance is seeking to not seek, so it's still seeking
 
if you want to stop gaming or drinking alcohol let it stop naturally, meaning you don't do these things for a long while but when you feel like doing them, you do them in full acceptance and trust. 

 
it's like waves, let there be a long wave of not playing and drinking, then a short wave of playing and drinking, and if you accept this natural process, the longer waves will get longer and the shorter waves will get shorter, till there's no more short waves, if that's what you really want and need. 

On the matter of your perceived ''depersonalization'', in my book you are letting your true self shine. 
Your natural self is effortless and instant. Literally. 
Which is why it feels like things are kind of happening and you feel like you're not thinking and using your mind. 
Which is exactly what you want, bypass the mind and access the higher self/ the divine mind, thinking and decisions happen instantly in a millisecond on higher level intelligence.  

you are not losing yourself, you are being more of yourself

 

Yes, this is reaffirming what I think I'm coming to realize.  I've "relapsed" a lot over the years and this time seems different in that I'm not judging myself for it and I actually feel pretty happy over all.  Really great point about avoidance being seeking in disguise, I never had previously thought about it that way.  

I don't like using the word depersonalization because it has such a negative connotation in psychology as being a horrible nightmarish state caused by trauma.  In my case it's not negative at all, it actually just feels like I have a more honest version of reality.  I guess there is just thoughts appearing which are apprehensive in nature because it feels different.  

 

@PureExp Let things happen naturally as they do.  I'm really taking that idea to heart.  Thank you.  

 

@electroBeam I'm becoming extremely open minded to phenomena, which to be frank, I used to think were complete nonsense.  I was a pretty typical super rational atheist type, but I've become extremely open minded which has been to my benefit.  Although, weird phenomena like what I've experienced was very frightening for me.  Next time I'll be able to handle it with more equanimity.  I will try practicing what you referred to in terms of letting go. 

Thanks for the advice guys, it's really helpful and I appreciate it a lot.  

Edited April 4, 2017 by Heart of Space

[Leo Gura]

@Heart of Space Good! This is a test from the universe. A threshold guardian. This is the perfect opportunity for you to double down, apply your mindfulness skills to the craving for experiential pleasure, use your wisdom to see through Maya, and renew your meditation practice with an even greater vigor!

Or, you can allow yourself to get seduced by Maya. Then maybe you will have enlightenment in the next life.

You beat Zelda, the highest rated game in years -- and what did it do for you?

Nothing. You're just as miserable as before you beat it.

This is how the universe teaches. Karma 101. The universe created the perfect Zelda to teach you that you don't want Zelda. If you're too dense to learn the lesson now, don't worry, it will keep creating more and more Zelda's until you get it, or die trying. If there's anything Nintendo's great at, it's pumping out the same old favor of Maya. And now you've even got the convenience of Maya on the go! Now you can experience Maya in full force while sitting on the toilet.

[Guest username]

7 minutes ago, John Flores said:

@Heart of Space Also keep in mind that the way the universe is set up is that the more entrenched you can get in material facets: laziness, gluttony, sex, pornography, frivolity, the more capable you are of becoming engrossed in the SPIRITUAL pursuits

Did you mean to say "incapable"?

[Heart of Space]

27 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Heart of Space Good! This is a test from the universe. A threshold guardian. This is the perfect opportunity for you to double down, apply your mindfulness skills to the craving for experiential pleasure, use your wisdom to see through Maya, and renew your meditation practice with an even greater vigor!

Or, you can allow yourself to get seduced by Maya. Then maybe you will have enlightenment in the next life.

You beat Zelda, the highest rated game in years -- and what did it do for you?

Nothing. You're just as miserable as before you beat it.

This is how the universe teaches. Karma 101. The universe created the perfect Zelda to teach you that you don't want Zelda. If you're too dense to learn the lesson now, don't worry, it will keep creating more and more Zelda's until you get it, or die trying. If there's anything Nintendo's great at, it's pumping out the same old favor of Maya. And now you've even got the convenience of Maya on the go! Now you can experience Maya in full force while sitting on the toilet.

That last paragraph was pretty fucking funny omg lol, I think that might be one of my favorite things you've ever said.  With that said, I feel deeply motivated to go deeper.  I needed to hear this, thanks, Leo.  

[Martin123]

@Heart of Space Beautiful. The facade of your "little self" is being torn down, old patterns are being healed. 

Take it slow, listen to your body, love yourself, forgive yourself.

Dont discipline yourself harshly. This is crucial. When your body wants a cake dont fight it. There is an energetical reason for it.

And know that you are fulfilling your faith as an infinite being of limitless potential. 

But at first, healing will have to take place, for conditioning placed uppon earthly beings is heavy.

This is not a "revenge of the ego" this is the "ego" being dissolved, the light transmuting darkness into love.

Know that you are powerful and nothing you dont wish for yourself in the big picture can happen to you.

I love you

[Heart of Space]

42 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

@Heart of Space Beautiful. The facade of your "little self" is being torn down, old patterns are being healed. 

Take it slow, listen to your body, love yourself, forgive yourself.

Dont discipline yourself harshly. This is crucial. When your body wants a cake dont fight it. There is an energetical reason for it.

And know that you are fulfilling your faith as an infinite being of limitless potential. 

But at first, healing will have to take place, for conditioning placed uppon earthly beings is heavy.

This is not a "revenge of the ego" this is the "ego" being dissolved, the light transmuting darkness into love.

Know that you are powerful and nothing you dont wish for yourself in the big picture can happen to you.

I love you

Thank you for this response.  Very potent words for me in this moment.  

You all have been very helpful.  

[Heart of Space]

1 minute ago, John Flores said:

@username Nope, capable 

Could you expand on that idea a little more?

[Martin123]

@Heart of Space Also as a little motivation, I have made incredibly potent spiritual progress in the past 8 months, released such a huge amount of trauma im pretty sure I healed my whole country lol.

But it was such a intense and at timea very painful experience that I wasnt even able to meditate. So I watched Naruto.

Now I am Hokage and better than ever! ?

Meditation can be good. Is it always the best choice ? No! Haha, but don't tell that to most folks here they'd slap you.

[Guest username]

@Leo Gura Do you have an episode planned for the trap of Maya and attachment to experience? I feel like dependence on pleasant experiences has been arguably my biggest obstacle from total commitment to Truth. I think it is for many of us.

[Space]

@Heart of Space Sounds like you're making some serious progress! It's actually quite inspiring to read comments like yours, so thanks. 

[Heart of Space]

So, a major update.  I decided to pray, which is something I rarely do, it just felt right to do.  I went into my closet and prayed for a few minutes before the most intense sadness I've ever experienced in my life.  It was so intense there was a fear that eventually accompanied it because the intensity was increasing to a level which I've never been sad before.  When the fear came the sadness stopped mostly.  I was too scared to experience the sadness deeper. I can't emphasize enough how intense this experience was.  I felt and still feel deep aloneness.  I've been carrying this around for a long time, I have a very troubled past in terms of my well being.  And big part of my spirituality has been an attempt to run away from this deep sadness.  I feel very defeated right now.  I feel like I've lied to myself.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Heart of Space

[Martin123]

@Heart of Space good. Give yourself a cookie! Well done!

1. Know that it shall pass

2. Sometimes we get so eager that we try to integrate what we are perhaps not completely ready for. So give it more time. Dont be afraid to use distractions from it. 

 

I remember once going through a deep deep pain of my inner child of the conviction that my mother doesn't love me. I texted to a friend who explained to me that every mother loves her child like... u carry that sack of blood for 9 months in her belly. The love for the child is incredible.

And quite frankly that was a saviour. I gave myself permission to avoid the pain for the moment, and integrated it later, when I was more grounded.

 

So don't rush it. All shall be healed soon enough.

[faith]

On 2017-04-03 at 11:34 PM, Martin123 said:

@Heart of Space Also as a little motivation, I have made incredibly potent spiritual progress in the past 8 months, released such a huge amount of trauma im pretty sure I healed my whole country lol.

But it was such a intense and at timea very painful experience that I wasnt even able to meditate. So I watched Naruto.

Now I am Hokage and better than ever! ?

Meditation can be good. Is it always the best choice ? No! Haha, but don't tell that to most folks here they'd slap you.

I, too, have had similar experiences. I have been doing very good with my meditation, and have felt a lot of emotional pain. Recently, an old urge to play Counter Strike came back to me. I have been addicted to this game since high school, and so I have started to binge play again. In addition, I also watched Naruto, finally finished it after postponing to finish it all these years. I, also, ate so bad for a whole month. I just kept stuffing myself, even when I was full, I stuffed myself more and more, and gained a little. And don't get me started on the sexual urges I get. 

Basically, everything that I suppressed by following meditation has now come back, but with much more intensity. I don't even meditate everyday anymore. However, I don't feel bad about indulging in it. There is a certain level of forgiveness and acceptance I developed. I have a good trust in the universe and how it works, and I am just going to follow my gut.

So when I am reaching for that chocolate, I am going to devour that thing, and not give a care in the world. I think it's just something I have to do right now. I have a good intuitive feeling that maybe this is the right path for now.

So don't worry too much my friend!! In my view, you seem to be doing great. 

Edited April 5, 2017 by ashashlov

[Stoica Doru]

@Heart of Space I used to be addicted to video games, and now I've found myself surfing old Call of Duty soundtracks and missions. But, somewhere, deep down, I know that's just my ego trying to find its separation in something else - like a cool soldier, a certain scenario, mission. It's a common thing, which all of experience. Cravings will come and go until they're totally wiped out of our past. It's who we used to be, and the unconsciousness doesn't go away just by sitting on our ass and meditating, sometimes it'll backlash. Best of luck to you, man! 

[Heart of Space]

I had a really profound and humbling experience today.  It was a difficult experience, but truly profound and challenged the way I perceived reality.  I am in awe.  Thanks to those who gave me positive messages, I think it really helped me during the difficult time.  I feel like I've gone through a lot in the last week or so, but I know that this is what I want most in my life.