Path, confusion, decisions etc.

[traveller]

So I am going to try to think for myself here in witness of you guys, 

 

so it been more than 5 years that I start that journey of Personal development... İt was real though times; anxiety, depressed moods, panic atacks, debt, lies, smoking, lost in many ways. 

I am so grateful to Actualized.org for being one of my biggest support and source for improving from there to here. Really Thank you Leo Gura. Wish you all the best... 

 

Anyway today after all that years I had improved in many areas with my life. I m better in social settings, I got a certificate on coaching and coached for a while, started a habit of meditation, exercised and still doing, quites smoking, better with my financial situations, I was stuck in my small town and moved back to the big city I used to live., start to work again at my former job as receptionist at a hotel ... 

 

But last couple of weeks was so difficult times. I was working at night shift and full occupied with the thoughts around ''I must do sth, ı am stuck, it is going nowhere, still I am very weak, I am not able to confront people, all that nice guy shit, even approaching more than 150 girls I am inferior with opposite sex, an most importantly what do I do with that old friends. With whom I am no longer feeling any connection etc. ''  And I forced myself and texted all my old friends that we used to be very close group once.. I told them that I want to end the relationship due to lack of interest, not having much in common interests, ... I told them that we are already not seeing each other that much for long.. Yet I want to stop it all together etc.  There was a group of 4 they were the friends I used to hang for a couple of years ago..  they were sad but understanding. saying do what make you feel happy etc.  The thing is we were so destructive at that time.. We were wasting a lot of time sitting in cafes drinking tea coffee for hours and gossiping, talking politics, criticizing, joking, talking lots of shit and smoking.. So that was my reason. But I told them that life changed, no common interest etc. in fact they are not living that way anymore.. Anyway I wasn't feeling in my best around them and wanted to leave them behind...   

 

The other one person was my friend since the high school years.. similar story, we used to be so judgmental about everything with him, we gossip, we critisize, talking back of others, lots of politics, complain, victim thinking etc. Actually I spoke to that person some time ago and told him that I want to finis or distance for some time since I feel many thing changed.. Then again two week ago I texted and told that I want to finish friendship maybe one day if our roads cross we figure out again but till that time I want to cut .. He said ok but later he send me a message and it was tough .. He said that I did that message thing twice and in both times he was in very hard times. He said you did wrong to me.. After all that friendship you treat me so bad. He claimed my language at that text was selfish, high and humiliting him. .etc.. And finally said ok. we are done .. I don't want our road to cross and see you again. İf I die before you don't come to my funeral , for me you are  dead.. that kind of things.. I felt terrible.. I called him. he didn't open .. I texted and then called again and he open.. I share all the story behing my messages. Our destructive friedship, his bad behaviours twords me, his humiliating language, his anger, me being so passive around him. My taking every belief of him for truth . Together speaking behind others. etc.. And we finally close the phone with somewhat clearing something.. some confession etc.  Yet other day I did delete him from my social media and cut contact again.. 

And there was 3 other friends that I send message.. two of them say nothing just ''okey, as you wish'' one said ''okey but no crossing road .. Bye to you '' so he cut me from his phone and social media immediately.. 

 

Okey now in this point I feel confused. To my mind it was all that people holding me back. I wasn't sharing anything on social media because of afraid their rejection, judgment etc. I was't have good time since if they saw that they would ask why I am not inviting them etc. but after all that and leaving them behind nothing change.. Still same things. Lots of guilt.. 

 

Not living the life again because feeling guilty for doing all that to them. treating them bad etc.. Guilt guit guilt.. 

 

On the other hand I am done with waiting to live. I want to do something. It was two years ago I was in similar situation and I decided to have coaching class .. Not so much change.. Not sure all that might be due to my traumatic backround childhood. I was a parahiliac for years, almost nobody knows that. I am blaming everybody from my past. I am distancing myself and feeling lonely  yet it was all me..  I don't know what to do , I feel sad.  ...

 

How will my life will truely change.. I do many things but it backslide again. I tried healty eating but I can't help and make it a religion. Then couldn't stop and do opposite and eat what ı want. 

Leo's strict approach is very difficult for me to implement.  I can't deal with when all that strong emotions fall on me.. I binge eat, Yes this is my only escape since I am not smoking. it is eating and watching netflix.. 

[traveller]

Hi there, 

Yeah it is getting better... The thing about this friendship broke is passing. I can feel that.. Occasionally I feel the urge to call them,  sometimes I miss them a lot, then sometimes it is a feeling of guilt and confusion.. but eventually all is passing through me..  I think I will be fine.. All questions will be answered as time pass and as I evolved. I will understand and let all go... İn fact I already let go a lot... 

 

Anyway.. 

 

There is some other topics that I'd better work on; 

Career, Dating, Social Circle, Family, Where to live, health, Fitness, Learning new skills,  Travel, 

Actually the thing is I want to design my life in the light of my new perspectives. I used to live a life of total unconscious, everything about me was fake. 

Until I start to greatly suffer and had panic attacks (thank to god:)  I never care about sitting alone and thinking about myself and my life.. 

So from this day until now many changes happened. I grew a lot .. 

I am proud of quiting smoking, learning to communicate better, adding some new friends, cutting gossip, cutting huge amount of negativity, stoping destructive and compulsive sexual behaviors,  no more escorts etc..  Being able to got my previous job again. etc.. many many improvements.. 

And Now I want to 

Make a transition to a path of personal development and self help field, even I changed the city there still is something that I don't like about my location so relocating into the city.. Making some new friends, attending to social events, travelling around world as I find opportunity.. 

I already start to work on my dating skills approached almost 200 girls.. Yet I'd be better to do it consistently.. 

I 'm meditating regularly and it will be nice to do some extra spiritual work... maybe, breath work, retreats etc. 

Yes thats it.. 

 

 

[traveller]

Let's continue to think, plan etc. 

First I am going to talk a little bit about my struggles; for example today two of my coworkers had some argument and conflict. İt was a little high tension and I felt bad while witnessing that. Also today there was some other issues that I wanted to issue with one of my colleague yet I couldn't. İt is kind of difficult to make uncomfortable speech, I am behaving so nice so many times. then I feel tons of anger, sadness etc. inside.. I am aware of my conflict avoidance and I am making a commitment to work on that further. I already made this commitment yet I got to remind myself this..  A Lot. 

I am going to work on my conflict avoiding no matter what and how.. I will become one of the most confident man I ever know.. I will do that!! 

 

I promise. 

 

 

 

 

[traveller]

hello
interesting a few min ago I was in despair and going to the hole of sadness, melancholy, victim thinking etc. and suddenly someone asked something and I realized I am lost in my mind and mind like the usual which is such emotions and related thoughts ... Now feeling neutral even good..:)) 

This journey is full of surprises, insights, ups and downs 

İs it really possible? really is it that easy to change mood? 

Hope I can remember that every time I need 

 

Okey. 

The problem; I feel stuck in some emotional states and hesitate to take consistent action. Action for creating my own business. What prevent me from doing that? 
* First I need to solve problems regarding dating and socializing.. ( Not good enough, getting older, nobody want me, there is some improvement yet my past won't let me go I 'd terrible past experiences, how do I say I didn't have a proper girlfriend till this age etc) 

* Not ready yet( old story, stuck in fear, fear of failure, lack of confidence, etc) 

* I am not decisive enough 

* who decide what, who am I ?  What do I really want? Are all these my own wants or I just blindly follow  leo and other teachers teachings for life I live

* Difficult

I am late for all this. 

Oh see now mood change again. !! Right now I want all that life ends and no other struggle .. Because I am really tired of writing to tons of paper, meditating, exercising etc and still not being able to speak up for some little problem in my life. Not being able to be bold. always living in my mind.. doubting myself.. 

I look everybody seems very good. They are somewhat in life.. living it .. I am in a prison in my mind .. and name of that prison now is personal development.. I am tired.. fuck personal development