Can Men And Women Just Be Friends?

[Salaam]

God, sometimes I forget how weird people can make relationships with each other. The manipulations and weird fears and delusions two sides can carry... shit makes me sad.

On 4/4/2017 at 5:13 AM, Annetta said:

As much as some of y'all men might wanna deny that aspect of yourselves, especially spiritually minded folks, the truth is most of you don't respect what is freely given.  Most likely the reason being is that you think if she gives it away so easily that you aren't special, or loved.  It is because women are supposed to be "unraveled".  To project an air of mystery.

As a guy who has recognized and addressed that side of himself, I have some insight into this that might help women when they screen for guys who will not take their giving for granted when they open up and share themselves.

As men, we have a development cycle that we all have to deal with in our own way. This includes the formation of our masculine identity which has a period in the beginner stage of having to "prove" or validate who we are. The path out of that stage is creating a self-validating identity that replaces this need to prove ourselves, but many don't. 

So it is in a woman's best interest to find men who have made it out of this stage, because then their MAIN motivations for why they spend time with you isn't based on validating their identity and abilities out of a sense of scarcity, but actually bonding, discovery, and mutual shared experience. A lot of guys get "bored" with women, because their initial motivations aren't based on the above three things. So when the novelty or rush fade and it's time for real connection and investment, they are no longer energized to put in effort, because they never started from a place of depth to begin with. Their still hooked to the shallow cycle of using the woman to prop up their identity, rather then building a connection. Building is hard, it takes investment and vulnerability and listening that isn't that exciting or stimulating to guys who are never seeing who you actually are to begin with and are more focused on appeasing their own feelings of scarcity.

 

On 4/4/2017 at 0:12 PM, Shin said:

Not it's not, but to think this man (if he's celibate) won't want to have sex with you after that, this is crazy, this is madness.

Unless you're unnattractive to him, there is no way he won't tempt something (maybe not this night, but later).

Maybe when a new world will be born, freed from sexual repression and indulgence, like Osho depict in its book, but otherwise, it is very naive to think this way.

Eh, when you have sex often enough times every week it's not that hard to avoid having sex with someone your attracted to. It's like food. Yea, that's a nice juicy steak right next to me, but I've already ate three times today, so I don't need to go to the trouble of grilling it. It's just a matter of abundance, not that big of a deal.

I often have women I'm attracted to around me and most women find me sexually viable, so it's no biggie. Your tastes expand with sexual abundance, so just turning me on isn't enough for me to decide to initiate anything.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Salaam

[Guest Annetta]

@Salaam Thanks for the information on that.  I'd give you rep but I am all out for the day.

What have you noticed about the other side of the coin with women who are immature in this area?

[egoeimai]

@Annetta Ill give it for you;) 

 

 

[Salaam]

20 hours ago, Annetta said:

@Salaam Thanks for the information on that.  I'd give you rep but I am all out for the day.

What have you noticed about the other side of the coin with women who are immature in this area?

Thanks and no worries

Well, take it with a grain of salt because I'm on the outside looking in as a dude and I try to screen out immature women. But, here are some things I've noticed from watching women grow and well... not grow. I guess you can say these are more general observations about female immaturity rather then purely about taking guys for granted, but hopefully this is useful for you still.

It seems some women have to deal with this false abundance, where they have in theory at least a large selection of guys to choose from, but in practice a limited pool of quality that can have a sort of numbing affect on their ability to make the choices that would most satisfy them. Guy's are seen as a little more disposable in this space and girls rely a little too much on inflating qualities that immediately catch their eye, rather then exploring deeper for a more encompassing picture, which bites them in the ass later... it creates a kind of female bravado I've seen that women will attach to in order to "wave off" doing deeper work. But, this also makes them unable to recognize what a man who has done the deeper work looks like and the ways in which he behaves. Intuition has to be developed, for both men and women, and can't be relied on exclusively for making decisions at times. Not everything comes easy, we have to invest, put in effort, and risk ourselves for deeper satisfaction.

Immature women look for more "energy spikes" or displays from men compared to mature women, because they themselves are operating with more insecurities that push a person to look for those spikes as a kind of validation or sign to proceed. Relying on spikes though, makes a person blind to nuance and easily fooled like I mentioned earlier. Plus, it prevents certain levels of intimacy that only occur when people calm down from those places and allow themselves to be "normal" around each other. I hear a lot from women, how they feel like they can actually be themselves around me and it's so much less taxing on their energy. But, that relaxed state is also much more fertile ground for bonding and allowing for richer threads of attraction to breathe and dance.

Hmmm, what else? Some women seem to be scared of mixing sex and intimacy, so they'll compartmentalize them and then cut bait if a relationship of one type starts to bleed over into the other. Then they get caught in a cycle of pursuing unavailable relationships to protect themselves from the risks of opening up further and dealing with relationships that are both sexual and intimate. However, this also has a long term impact that effects how will women can relate with their heart, head, and sexuality. Disconnecting the natural, synergistic expression that would come from a harmonized connection with all three.

Trust is a huge issue. But, for this specific question I'm thinking about how lack of trust creates controlling behavior in women. They want to control what things mean, they want to control the level of uncertainty they may be feeling and then if their successful in getting that control, they are dissatisfied because when they do so, they stifle the volatility behind the energy that attracted them so in whatever form.

Women and men, also need to realize that they have to go through a period of understanding the different personal values of the other gender and how to consider those values without writing them off as stupid or just "man stuff" or "female stuff". When a woman can empathize with those values she can avoid a lot of behaviors that carry a sort of collateral emasculating effect, just like men can do the same when they understand what women personally value. It makes people much more capable in crafting a relationship that adheres to what I call "trinity worlds" or "my world, her world, and the shared world" which in my experience is the most balanced and mutually beneficial way of having a relationship.

I guess that's enough for now. Sorry for the cluttered points, but hopefully they make sense. My wife and I actually do a radio show for relationships, so you might find some value in listening to those, since my wife is super self-aware about her maturation process. 

 

Edited April 5, 2017 by Salaam

[Vaishnavi]

I don't agree with some of the viewpoints here. In fact This question of "Can men and women just be friends?" sounds odd to me. Just because two individuals have different biological wiring, doesn't mean they can't connect in an authentic "non sexual" manner. Sure it's due to the very same biological wiring that we have those 'awkward' situations and sometimes the other person may develop feelings, but if you look deep, that isn't always the case. Maybe you just need to find the right kind of friend, the person with whom you can really connect.

I say that cause I only have a handful of genuine friends and all of them except for one are guys, but in all honesty there isn't anything "sexual" or otherwise. It just is.

society and our upbringing plays a huge role in developing our mindsets and perceptions. It's because talking about connecting and sex raises eyebrows that we tend to have these questions 

[Toby]

4 hours ago, Vaishnavi said:

I say that cause I only have a handful of genuine friends and all of them except for one are guys, but in all honesty there isn't anything "sexual" or otherwise. It just is.

You sound exactly like women in the video.

[Posho]

Hm, depends on who the person is. 

[jse]

On 03/04/2017 at 3:59 AM, Ariel said:

Can Men And Women Just Be Friends?

Can men and men just be friends?  Can men and animals just be friends?

As @Vaishnavi mentioned, it's an odd question indeed - it implies that women are primarily viewed only as romantic/sex objects by men.

Perhaps the question needs rephrasing:
Could pubescent boys and girls just be friends?

[Loreena]

On Wednesday, April 5, 2017 at 2:41 AM, My_Name_Is_Mud said:

Good point. Some of these topics do accidentally bump up against relevance from time to time though.

From a post-awakened perspective, when I am interacting from that place of Self (I interact frequently with the help of Ego but only as a matter of functionality) there is no gender. There is no agenda. There is nothing disingenuous at all. Some folks who haven't experienced ego-transcendence have a hard time wrapping their heads around this.

Women in particular who need their egos stroked don't like (or want to believe) that someone doesn't want to have sex with them. Those women don't necessarily want to have sex, it just boosts their ego to believe someone wants to have sex with them, and they crave that sort of attention from males.

Long story short: from this perspective a male and female absolutely can be platonic friends as long as neither of them are motivated by their egoic selves.

 

meow meow meow meow meow meow

[Lai]

My "best" friends are all male.  And also gay.

[Wind]

Ever heard about friends with benefits?

But if for real, yes. It's the opposite sex you find interesting, cool to hang out, or beneficial in some way, but don't find sexually appealing. Easy peasy.

Edited April 8, 2017 by Wind