Ego Wants To Backslide, Need Advice

[Alex K]

Hello everyone. 

After Leo episode on concentration, I've being using this improved meditation for couple weeks. And I started to have states during the day, esp. in the evenings at work and all the way back home. Like 5 days I was just happy for 4-8 hours straight after meditation, practically whole work day. And I noticed this. I noticed that this is not normal. Like in the past it was just more clarity, less and less fear, worries and then finally less anxiety - this all was just like becoming better version of myself. But now I feel this states like all people are asleep while actively discussing some topic in the meeting. Or this absolute calm and happiness. Or sudden understanding that everyone of us is a perfect copy with just some concealing grease in form of unprocessed memories and precedents set by distant knee-jerk reactions to issues in lifes. And so forth. 

And I think myself - as I'm the ego - started to see this developments as unwanted. And for the past half week my meditation time subsided, couple days there where no meditation at all. It's like I'm actively against it now. 

I found it only just now as Sunday is an only spare day from work and home business this week - and I'm going to continue to probe and assess into this situation on my own, contemplate, journal, etc. I'm trying to make myself meditate today and to no awail still after 5 hours of videos, journalling, trying to do it. I do not want to use sheer willpower to make myself meditate just yet because it is not strategically productive to be pushed into right thing, but I'll use it as a last resort if all the contemplation fails.

Ego-I - think I will become non-human and would not be able to live in a society if I continue.

On the flipside - people at work, at home, just random clerks start to notice that I'm unusual and are suspicious of me I think, maybe it is nothing or not a serious thing, but as we know Ego clings and exaggerates anything to have it's lazy homeostatic way.

What should I do? Advice please

 

Edited April 2, 2017 by Alex K

[Nahm]

You wanted to escape the matrix right? Sounds like you are but you feel the natural need to take everyone with you. We are each our own reality. Very few people want to escape that matrix. Keep in mind, if they were suffering enough, they would pursue it. Be at ease.

[Alex K]

@Nahm I think like if I'd be worthy to be out, I would be out already. To get out I need to acquire something, but I'm supposed to be neverchanging.

I'm not worthy of meditating for an hour in one sit, I'm not worthy to do self inqury. I'm not worthy to study advaita vedanta. If I'd be worthy, I'd do it already! This is an ordinary time in my existence, how can my worthiness change- I'm the same old me? I should not escape because I never escaped yet!

Edited April 2, 2017 by Alex K

[Visionary]

Being unconscious is also part of Consciousness. Become aware of it. Remember your unconscious moment and become aware. The Consciousness is always present. Reality is always present. Longing for a continous higher state is neglecting the lower states and the unconcious. It's resisting reality actually.

Become conscious of this. Don't just intellectually understand. That won't do much.

And if that's a bit too deep, you could try to become aware of the fact that bad or good are just stories and labels you put on those emotions. They just are. 

[Alex K]

@Visionary If I get conscious that good and bad and my addictions and low consciousness behaviour are all plain being, how would I progress, what is the kind of motivation to go further?

Edited April 5, 2017 by Alex K

[Visionary]

4 minutes ago, Alex K said:

@Visionary If I get conscious that good and bad and my addictions and low consciousness behaviour are all plain being, how would I progress, what is the kind of motivation to go further?

If you get conscious (!!!) of it, then you will feel an instant freedom. An instant detachment. Everything is perfect as it is. If you rationalize it as a bad thing, then the point is not yet understood. A "good" label to it is just the same.

Once you're properly detached from everything, your true motivation will surface (some say from the Higher Self). The more detached you are, the more authentic your life becomes. Don't panic when you hear emptiness or nothingness or meaninglessness. They can NOT be negative. They just are. This is something to be understood through conscious experiences. Don't rationalize  or conceptualize any of it.

I would recommend Trinfinity Academy to you. Probably the best practical course i have seen out there. I'm doing that myself right now at the moment.

[Shin]

26 minutes ago, Alex K said:

@Visionary If I get conscious that good and bad and my addictions and low consciousness behaviour are all plain being, how would I progress, what is the kind of motivation to go further?

Truth, freedom, and fun.

 

Quote

 @Alex K I'm afraid that I'll just let go and will do nothing, get fired, loose my home and family etc. Why is that not the case?

Don't you think this is a good excuse TO NOT awaken ?

Where does theses excuses come from, hum ?

Yeah, you know ...

Edited April 5, 2017 by Shin

[Alex K]

@Visionary @Shin I'm afraid that I'll just let go and will do nothing, get fired, loose my home and family etc. Why is that not the case?

[Leo Gura]

This is spiritual purification at work. It's not rainbows and butterflies. It's shit, blood, and smelly inner demons.

All those fears you need to consciously work through. They are what hold you back from liberation.

How are you gonna face the fear of death if you cannot face the fear of losing your home?

You have to surrender EVERYTHING on this path (eventually). All your attachments must be carefully contemplated and surrendered in the light of higher awareness.

You have embarked on a journey to dis-identify from your physical body and all of reality. This is a serious matter.

[Visionary]

6 minutes ago, Alex K said:

@Visionary @Shin I'm afraid that I'll just let go and will do nothing, get fired, loose my home and family etc. Why is that not the case?

That's an egoic defense mechanism my man. Holding you back through fear. And don't worry. It's possible to fully engage in the dualistic world/game and become detached whenever you need or want to. You won't jump in front of a train or become completely deluded. Don't worry about that. It's the best thing that can happen to "you". Give it a shot and try Trinfinity Academy for example.

[Alex K]

Yes, because I'm way too casual with all this. I've got rid of fears in terms of controlling me some time ago, I want to go further. I like shit and blood and demons because it's interesting and shows progress )= I need to believe that what I get by liberation is better for my actualization then what I have now. It's clearer to me now. I need to get serious, I'm getting lost in the wheel deals after every advancement on myself because it betters my performance in the wheel. But usual wheel is just the means to sustainment, nothing fancy. Thanks!

Edited April 5, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

Omg, attachements is the key word, why is it not emphasized more? Deal with past traumas and wovs, deal with roles, deal with shoulds, then deal with attachements. Create a list of attachements and aware/contemplate them away

Edited April 5, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

@Shin This excuses come from my core rules of life, embedded in my ego evidently)) But enlightenment does not mean ego death, it's becoming conscious and embody the knowledge of non dual nature of existence

Edited April 5, 2017 by Alex K

[Alex K]

To whom it may concern, here is the Trifinity Academy founder at badgap at 24 years I believe.

https://iplayerhd.com/player/video/d272680e-dd32-4f5d-acd0-09582dde579e/share