Psychedelic Journey (Trip Reports)

[Clarence]

I'm finally back to give some updates on my experience with psychedelics. I haven't done so lately because I didn't have enough time to write trip reports and I needed to focus on myself, not on sharing my experience. I also realized that sharing a report for every trip was too difficult. One reason is that a trip can look a lot like another one, especially when described in words. Another reason is that the insights I have in some trips I don't feel comfortable sharing, and it would distill the trips too much to omit them.

So I will only share my experience when it feels right to do so. I still want to keep a psychedelic journal format and write down each trip I have, even if it's just making a note of the date and the substance. So here is the list of the last trips I had:

Trip 18: 4-AcO-DMT 20 mg, 03.25.24 (insufflated)
Trip 19: 4-AcO-DMT 30 mg, 04.04.24 (oral)
Trip 20: 5-MeO-MiPT 15 mg, 06.19.24
Trip 21: 5-MeO-MALT 20 mg, 06.24.24
Trip 22: 5-MeO-MiPT 15 mg, 07.09.24

Notes written on the 30th of September 2024:

To share my overall thoughts on the new psychedelics, I had extremely beautiful trips on 5-MeO-MiPT. I absolutely love this substance. It feels so right for me. I love the duration—which is longer than 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT, the visuals, the introspective state it brings me in (I had so many deep realizations on it) and the pure Love Consciousness it creates. It's mind-blowing. It made me realize that I AM LOVE. The words playing in my mind on this substance were not I Am God, but I Am Love. It was so deep and beautiful. It has helped me a lot to start loving myself too. I even had a taste of an Alien Form Of Love.

My experiences on 4-AcO-DMT were not as good. The first trip was too light—because I didn't take the substance properly, I think - and the second one started out well but ended up badly as I read a message during the come down which I didn't understand like I would have fully sober. Reading a message was a mistake that won't happen again. But overall, I felt disappointed because I had wished 4-AcO-DMT would have been more similar to magic truffles than it actually was in my first trips. But I definitely have to try it again, in better circumstances, to make myself a proper opinion of it. I will also try the plugging method to experience its purest form.

Notes of today:

Here is the list of the psychedelics I've taken this month:

Trip 23: 4-AcO-DMT 20 mg, 10.03.24
Trip 24: 4-AcO-DMT 15 mg, 10.16.24
Trip 25: 4-AcO-DMT 15 mg, 10.21.24

Trip 26: 5-MeO-MALT 17 mg, 10.28.24
Trip 27: 5-MeO-MALT 15 mg, 10.30.24
Trip 28: 5-MeO-MALT 20 mg, 10.31.24

4-AcO-DMT

First thing worth noting: I absolutely love 4-AcO-DMT. It's not exactly the same as magic truffles, but it's similar enough to really enjoy it. Psilocybin has been one of my favorite psychedelics, and I'm really happy to now have this substance, which is far easier to ingest.

I really love everything about it so far, but I still haven't tripped enough to have a full grasp of it. I consider writing a detailed trip report at some point. But some little notes I have about it so far is that:

• It is sedating
• It makes my nose itchy
• Tears fall down my eyes for no real reason
• I get pain in the heart area on higher dosages
• I get full body orgasms
• The visuals are very intense, especially on higher dosages
• There is a serious taste of weirdness in these trips, but that is what I love most, and that comes with very deep realizations.
• It also makes my mind very still at times, which is a greatly welcomed break from my daily non-stop thinking life.

My last trip was weaker than expected, which I think comes from the fact that I didn't wait long enough between the trips. I plan to trip on 15 mg again just to test again that dosage. Then I will raise the dose.

I learned that having trips at lower dosages contributes to understanding and going deeper within one substance. I tend to desire to take more in order to get more, but it is not necessarily how it works. Going lower helps build foundations. It is easier for me to accept that now that I have many more opportunities to trip than I had when I started this thread. I was living with my mother and my grandmother, which I was taking care of everyday. I'm extremely sad that she is gone, but I can now do the things I couldn't do before. I am more sad, but more free.

5-MeO-MALT

I did the same, starting from lower, after a long break with it. It was especially good as I had terrible nausea on it for the first time ever (more about that here). I went even lower on the next trip, and then went back higher. It really helped me get more clarity on the substance, though it's not as mind-blowing as a full dose. I understand this substance a bit differently and better now and I'm ready to go deeper.

First of all, it's completely different from 4-AcO-DMT. I had forgotten how different it was. I don't like it as much, but it is very direct and pure to grasp what consciousness is. For that kind of work, it is great, but I need many more trips on it.

What's funny is that this psychedelic makes my all body vibrate, especially my arms and hands. I can literally see them tremble. When I stood up today to close the curtains, my arms were difficult to move, as if they were somewhat paralysed. It was weird, but not a big of a deal I think. When I am lying down, the vibrations are what's most impressive.

I was listening to the music @Jodistrict shared here and it was so perfect. I felt extremely good in my body, as if the music was massaging my brain and giving me mind orgasms. 

One realization I had on today's trip was that one of the deepest forms of corruption one can fall into was not being true to oneself. To me, it can manifests as to not fully being who I am (it can be very subtle) in order to please others or to get approval. I've fallen into this trap quite a lot. I sacrifice my true self in order to protect my lower self, my ego. Doing that doesn't help me grow. It is something I am becoming more and more conscious of. I need to let my higher self come to the forefront. I am not chasing money, sex or fame in my daily life, but I am chasing love, recognition, and approval. It all comes from ego and corrupts me all as much.

Trip Preparation And After Care

This last month, I've been developing my own routine to start a trip. It is very simple. I basically wake up at 7:30 AM, put on some comfortable clothes, go to the bathroom, prepare the syringe, and add more pillow on my bed. Then I find a comfortable position, plug the substance (often around 8 AM), and sit still until the trip has completely started.

On 4-AcO-DMT, I like to sit in front on my window during the come up. I look at the trees. It's a very beautiful view.

I now start my trips with the curtains open and the light on, but I still like when it is completely dark at times.

When the trip is over, I eat and drink a lot. I get extremely thirsty all day. Then I take care of my dogs and take some rest (30-60 minutes) before starting the day. I've been working a lot in the house lately. I'm far more productive now. I still don't know how to improve my after care routine. I feel like something is missing.

Well-Being And Purpose

I'm feeling much better in myself and in my life now that I have opportunities to trip weekly. Psychedelics, exploring and working towards understanding consciousness, is really a need for me. It is a purpose, and following through on this purpose makes me incredibly happy. It feels so good to finally be able to move forward. I feel much more grounded, present, and centered. The road towards full understanding is long, but my well-being has already considerably improved in just a month of tripping. 

Edited October 31, 2024 by Clarence

[Clarence]

Trip 29: 4-AcO-DMT 17 mg, 11.07.24

After that trip, I had to take a long break because of ear problems. I waited for a CT scan to make sure tripping wasn't causing any damage to my hearing, as I experienced intense pressure in my ear and head during the trip, as well as hearing loss afterward, which totally scared me.

After this long break and the very bad trip I had as a last memory, I was scared of taking psychedelics again. The fear I had wasn’t the fear of psychedelics per se, but the fear of my own self. I was so scared of myself, scared of experiencing my thoughts, emotions, fears, and anxieties amplified… again.

When I got back to it, the come-up on 25 mg of 5-MeO-MALT wasn’t easy at all. My body had lost its momentum. It felt completely sick, as the emotional and consciousness shift was so huge and brutal. It turned my whole self upside down, causing me to experience terrible nausea—for the first time on MALT.

However, during the peak, I realized the courage I had to have even taken this psychedelic. I wasn't conscious of this beforehand, but the act of simply taking a psychedelic in this difficult mind space had required tremendous courage. 

This was a huge realization, as I have been struggling for years with a lot of negative thoughts. I keep repeating to myself, despite working hard to stop, that I am not good enough, that I am not doing what I should be doing, that I am not being who I should be being, that I am not thinking what I should be thinking. I keep telling myself that I am too weak, that I am too fearful and too anxious, that I am too pessimistic, that I am failing at everything and will always be failing, and that I will never be able to transform myself fully to become the person I would like to be.

I am a master at negative self-talk.
I am a master at not accepting myself.

It was shocking to realize that I actually had courage. And it was a beautiful realization. The self-validation I felt for once was liberating. I finally had a break from my own negative self-talk, after two months (and a whole life) of intense turmoil. Indeed, taking this psychedelic while I had been feeling so scared and anxious required a lot of courage.

I am now getting back a week later to where I was before the break. I’m not in fear or anxiety when it comes to psychedelics anymore. I look forward to it. I’m still always very careful about what I’m doing, but I feel at peace and confident again to continue this journey.

Psychedelics are actually a need for me. Every time I take one, I realize this. It is not a crutch or a game. It is not something I take for pleasure or fun. It is a need, just like I need water and air to live. I need it so much because I need to understand. I need to understand life, I need to understand myself. And I need to understand in order to start transforming myself. I need to understand in order to start loving myself.

I'm very excited about exploring all aspects of consciousness, but what I've been needing and lacking even more is love. I've been growing without love. My family and my friends love me, but I can't feel their love, I can't even comprehend their love, I can't accept their love, as I don't think myself worthy of love. And that, really, is one of the most painful ways to live.

Trip 30: 5-MeO-MALT 25 mg, 01.28.25
Trip 31: 4-HO-MET 10 mg, 02.30.25
Trip 32: 5-MeO-MALT 31 mg, 02.03.25
Trip 33: DPT 20 mg, 02.06.25
Trip 34: DPT 35 mg, 02.07.25

Edited February 10 by Clarence

[Clarence]

DPT 55 mg

Third trip on DPT.

This was a solid trip for me after two very light doses (20 and 35 mg) where I hardly tripped.

What struck me the most in this trip was the happiness I felt. The more conscious I became, the happier I felt. This substance was jailbreaking my mind and shredding my self, and that felt so good.

I don’t know exactly what this chemical does in the brain, but the feeling of well-being and happiness was significant. I felt intense happiness from becoming more conscious and from doing what I love most.

There, I realized that I had never felt truly happy in life, but not because I was a depressed person, but because I wasn’t living experiences that genuinely made me happy.

I saw my psychologist yesterday and talked to him about psychedelics and the reasons for which I use them. He said he had never had a patient who used substances with the same intention as mine. And he mentioned something about the smile I had on my face while talking about them.

As he said that, I realized it was true. Whenever I talk about this topic, a light awakens within me, and you can see it on my face. It really makes me happy. This trip heightened that feeling even more.

That's basically what I want most out of life: understanding all of Reality through my own Awakenings, and sharing understanding about the nature of Consciousness with others. Obviously, my therapist had no clue what I was talking about, but I was still happy to have an opportunity to communicate.

I was smiling, yet at the same time, it was a tragedy that he did not understand, that no one around me could understand what I am becoming, and have become, conscious of.

This psychedelic also started helping me grasp how much my way of perceiving the world influences who I am as a being and what I understand or don't understand about the world. I was observing myself from a higher perspective, understanding from a different point of view how I saw the world and the importance this had, not only on my life but also on my trips.

This made me realize that I should study the different personality types and the various ways people perceive the world in more depth, to gain important insights in future awakenings.

[Clarence]

DPT 70 mg 

This was a breakthrough trip—more interesting than my previous experiences with DPT.

I remained very calm all the way through (like always), sitting on my bed with my eyes open, resisting the urge to lie down and close my eyes. It acted slowly and steadily. The idea of molasses describes it perfectly.

There were two main themes in this trip.

The first one was how alien the experience felt right from the start. There was a strong sense of otherness to it—not in a dramatic way, as I didn’t completely lose touch with the reality I know, but the experience and awakening felt foreign. It was something new to me. I had the sense that a higher dose would intensify this alien-like feeling even more.

One specific insight from this trip was that I could see multidimensionality. It wasn’t the first time, but this time, I specifically understood how an alien-mouse could be Leo’s body at the same time. It seems easy to grasp now, but before having a specific awakening where both realities could coexist, it wasn’t so obvious.

So, this alien-like consciousness was the first theme.

The second theme was about beliefs. I delved into the nature of beliefs, my own beliefs, especially those concerning things that walk a fine line between belief and reality or knowledge. For example, topics such as life after death or extraterrestrials.

I especially love studying the topic of life after death. How much can we know about that? 

I've been following the work of a French journalist who has dedicated his life to studying this subject. He has met with mediums, scientists, doctors… written books, made documentaries, and even taken psychedelics with the intention to communicate with lost family members. He has had very interesting experiences with psychedelics.

But I myself saw a medium after my grandmother's death, and it was baffling. The medium provided us with extremely specific information about her, but also about us. My grandmother was communicating with us through the intermediary of the medium. We could sense that we were in contact with her spirit. It was a very profound experience because it put me in direct contact with a part of reality that I don’t perceive.

There is a very deep desire within me to know more about that, and I feel that DPT could help me access or understand something more. It felt as though it could help me understand, access, or know the structure of reality.

Currently, I don't understand how reality is structured. I don't know how it works. I understand it is all mind, that it is all my mind, that it is all God's mind, but I don't understand how it is happening, what is 'above me', how I can exist here, as a human being, with an independent mind, in a material world, without being in control of anything. How is it all happening?

So, this was the second theme of this trip, about beliefs and the structure of reality.

Side note

It’s very difficult for me to write about my trips. I struggle a lot with English grammar, too. I have to double-check every sentence. Writing is also difficult because there is so much I don’t know about reality. I’m in a (slow) process of figuring it out, of figuring out reality and epistemology. It’s not all obvious to me.

I’m learning through each trip and the topics that interest me the most. What I’m writing and thinking now will evolve over time. There’s a lot that I don’t know, but for the sake of documenting my journey, I’m writing something down—what feels most accurate based on my current experience and what I’ve experienced in my trips—even though articulating and structuring it is very difficult. I’m trying to stay as true to myself as possible while stepping into the unknown and working to figure out what is true.

Edited February 20 by Clarence

[Clarence]

DPT 85 mg

I’m a bit disappointed by this trip; it was weaker than I expected. It even felt weaker than my previous trip on 70 mg. I’m still very confused about the dosages of this substance. I felt a slight increase from 20 to 35 mg, then a significant increase from 35 to 55 mg, and again to 70 mg. But now, at 85 mg, it didn’t feel any stronger than 70 mg.

I checked PsychonautWiki’s insufflated dosages, and it states that a common dose ranges from 50 to 100 mg. So I’m waiting to see how much more intense my trips will become above 100 mg. I’m having my first doubts about the substance, but it might just be a dosage issue—combined with the fact that it doesn’t dissolve in water, which I don’t like.

I still had a trip, even if it wasn’t as strong as I expected it to be. At first, I felt the need to reflect on my health in relation to psychedelics, as there had been a discussion about it on the forum one or two days ago, and the topic was on my mind.

And in all honesty, I don’t know what impact it has on my health. The increase in consciousness didn’t help me see that more clearly. But still, I understand that it must have an impact, because tripping is so intense for both the brain and body.

I trip in the morning on an empty stomach, and when I leave my room, I sometimes struggle to walk, take care of my dogs, and prepare food—especially when I do it right after the peak. I even struggle to eat, as I’m hungry but not hungry, yet I feel very weak. And then I drink—so much. I get extremely thirsty the whole day. I drink close to 3L, whereas on a normal day, I don’t even drink 1L. As a result, I pee all day, but I believe it is a way for my body to get all of the chemical out of my system.

I'm not fully aware of the impact it has on my health—or will have on my health down the road, but it definitely has an impact. And it's so exhausting on the mind too. I get mentally drained managing the comedown, writing a report, and cleaning the house on the days I trip.

But, at the same time, psychedelics give me a sense of purpose that I can't seem to find elsewhere. I want to understand reality, and this desire is what drives me the most. Tripping has also been helping my mental health, as I feel more stable, more positive, and more awake in daily life.

So, it has an impact, but it's as if I need this kind of impact at this time. Inaction wouldn't serve me any better, and I can't find answers as direct and precise in any other way.

At this point in my journey, psychedelics are helping me find out who I am. I never knew who I was. I didn't understand how anyone could know who they were. It seems like many people invented a persona much more easily than I did. I feel like I grew up with a weak sense of self, but at the same time, I was more conscious than everyone around me, and that has always been obvious to me, even as a child.

Though that weak sense of self (in the sense that I was literally more selfless than others) made for a difficult childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood. Defending or asserting myself didn't make any sense to me, so I wasn't always treated fairly. I never had a strong opinion to share on anything either, because it wasn't obvious to me what my own opinion was on anything.

Actually, if there’s one thing psychedelics are teaching me, it’s to construct a more robust sense of self and learn to set boundaries between myself and others. They’re literally helping me build my own sense of self and identity, which feels so backwards, but it’s what I need most.

This might, however, also explain why I’ve never faced strong resistance or fear on any psychedelics—no real fear of so called ''ego death''. It’s easier for me to let go of my self than it is for most people. I've been feeling more myself in these hyper-conscious states than I ever did in this limited human form which feels so foreign to me.

So, tripping is teaching me to become myself even more. I'm slowly getting there, constructing myself and my sense of identity as I go, and I've been noticing some huge improvements. It’s even making me think that a root cause of the depression I've been dealing with on and off might stem from not knowing who I really am and what I really want.

I feel deep down that this path is right for me and that I need to keep going.

[LambdaDelta]

@Clarence

Insufflation of DPT is reportedly very painful, on par with 2C-x. To me that'd be enough to derail the trip, not something you want to risk with a thing this powerful. You must apply heat to dissolve it completely. Take a small glass pyrex beaker or vial, throw in the powder, add water, then apply heat to the bottom of the vessel. A regular lighter with yellow flame will suffice, within a couple seconds water will start bubbling slightly, that's a sign to stop. At this point the compound will be fully soluble. Stir with something glass or metal, avoid plastics. If you're not doing this, no matter how much you stir, a good chunk still stays undissolved and remains as sediment in your solution/syringe, meaning you're getting a lower dose than you think. 

I also noticed decreasing returns from DPT, 70mg IM was the bomb, 90 or so next time still very strong, but not how I imagined. I now mix 60-70-ish with MXiPr/DMXE to potentiate. 

Consider altering your tripping schedule, see if that helps. For instance begin early evening, like 6PM, with most tryptamines it will nearly be done by 10, then I prefer to take a benzo to mellow me out, as the later stages of comedown are borderline mental torture. In the 20-30 minutes it's taking effect, jot down the most important insights. After that lights out, and I usually wake up quite fresh the next morning. Feeling weak after psychs is nothing surprising, the recalibration via serotonin reuptake, metabolism, plus vasoconstriction during the trip are all contributors. As such I prefer not to stick around for that phase and instead let it all happen during sleep. 

[Clarence]

@LambdaDelta Thanks! I didn't know it was possible to dissolve DPT. I'll give it a try.

I know I always lose some quantity in the syringe, but since it's about the same amount each time, there's still an increase in dosage, even if I don't get the full amount.

I don’t plan to try insufflation, but PsychonautWiki doesn’t mention plugging. For every psychedelic I’ve tried so far, I’ve found that the dosages match, so I was referring to that.

That's interesting that you had a similar experience going from 70 to 90 mg.

19 hours ago, LambdaDelta said:

as the later stages of comedown are borderline mental torture.

Lol, I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't find this part the most comfortable.

I can't change my tripping schedule right now because of obligations, but I'll experiment with different possibilities when I can. However, I'm currently getting used to tripping right after waking up, and I think I'll manage the comedown better as I gain more experience. Thank you for your tips, though! 

[maxpechura]

Hi Clarence,

I just realized I haven’t engaged in shitposting for a long time. I need to rectify this situation.

1. In your DPT reports, you talked about building a "robust sense of self" while having a weak ego, which makes ego death easier for you. Does it make sense to build an ego if the whole point of doing psychedelics is to destroy it?

2. You mentioned "alien forms of love" and feeling an "alien-like" quality. What does that feel like? Are you planning to try something like 4-AcO-DMT or Salvia down the line?

3. You say that tripping relieves your suffering. What relieves suffering the best?

4. Your 5-MeO-MiPT trips brought out "I AM LOVE." Do you find yourself doing less negative self-talk now?

5. You’ve described becoming "directly conscious" of being God. As you increase dosages, does this become clearer?

[Clarence]

Thanks @maxpechura for your questions. I hope my answers will help in some way

As a side note, Maxpechura reached out to me privately and asked whether I could share more about my journey. I honestly thought no one was interested in it, so I gave up the idea of sharing as much as I originally intended to. Writing only for myself in French is much easier than sharing on the forum in English for everyone to read, especially if it feels like no one is really reading.

He reminded me that some people might be interested even if they don't post comments. I myself do that a lot, actually, so he was right to make this point. Overall, it's good to know that someone is interested, and that potentially more people are, even if I'm not directly aware of it.

So here are my answers to his questions, along with a report of my last trip in the next section. It's better to read them in the following order.

On 26/03/2025 at 9:03 PM, maxpechura said:

1. In your DPT reports, you talked about building a "robust sense of self" while having a weak ego, which makes ego death easier for you. Does it make sense to build an ego if the whole point of doing psychedelics is to destroy it?

It's hard to put my experience into words, but I'll try.

One thing is that I've been dealing with a lot of insecurities and low self-esteem since I was a child, constructing my sense of self and identity based on how I think people perceive me rather than who I truly am.

I've also been constantly questioning myself, asking Who am I? and What am I?, never getting satisfying answers. How can I know who or what I am, and thus feel at peace with myself, if I don't have a direct and clear knowledge of that? This has made it very confusing for me to navigate the world and interact with others. If I don't fully understand what being human means and what other humans are, how can I develop a secure sense of identity as a human?

I've also always been very different from my peers. Children and teenagers (even adults) made fun of me at school and in other settings. This profoundly wounded my self-esteem and sense of self, as I dissociated from the reality I was in. I was physically present, but my mind and spirit were disconnected from the situation. I lived in constant fear and worry about what would happen next, which induced a lot of anxiety.

I'm also extremely sensitive and empathetic. I used to feel other people's emotions so deeply that it created confusion about which ones were mine. At some point, my suffering had become so great that I suddenly stopped feeling others' suffering. This was experienced as a major personality shift for me. I went to the other extreme, not caring or not wanting to care about others, to the point of feeling like a different person.

So, this is what it felt like for me to live with a ''weak ego'': a lot of insecurities, blurred boundaries between me and others/the outside world, and a disconnection from my being/spirit/mind, and even my feelings and body. It's a sense of self that isn't grounded, present, secure, and stable, and that doesn't understand the point of living if all there is is suffering after suffering after suffering, along with a lot of confusion about it all.

I wasn't afraid of experiencing ego death because I needed answers more than anything else, and nothing 'tangible' or concrete in me, I felt, could die, as the question what am I?  was still left unanswered. So, my need for a deep understanding of Reality — of what I am and what I am doing here — was so important that I was ready to fully let go of whatever that me was, that me which felt like nothing more than a collection of experiences, perceptions, feelings, memories, and a limited, mortal and localized point of view looking at reality through two eyes.

I still haven't reached a complete understanding, and it will take much longer to get there, but my perspective on life and myself has completely changed since my awakenings. My friends keep telling me how much I've changed. And this mostly from getting answers to questions that have been tormenting me since childhood. It lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. The hardship of not knowing was the worst of it all.

Even if I don't have all the answers at this time, the sense of peace I reached freed my mind to work on my ego, on who I am as a human being, because this matters just as much while we're living here. One part of the work I'm doing now is about releasing childhood trauma. I have developed a huge shadow regarding my whole childhood. I can't even say, or think, of the word 'child.' I can't look at children without feeling uneasy, nor even look at children's toys. I can't think of myself as having existed as a child. I hate it all so much. And I don't know why. I don't know why it is that bad for me. So, this is serious work.

To me, the point of doing psychedelics is not to destroy my ego; it is to understand Reality, to deeply realize God, to learn who I am as a human being, and to learn how to Love. This implies a lot of inner work and a secure sense of self and identity. It requires discovering and becoming who I really am inside, as I won't ever be able to truly Love and understand if I don't know how to accept and love myself.

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2. You mentioned "alien forms of love" and feeling an "alien-like" quality. What does that feel like? Are you planning to try something like 4-AcO-DMT or Salvia down the line?

I don't want to go into that now, but I did try 4-AcO-DMT in the past (I mentioned it before in this thread). It's been quite a while since I used this psychedelic. I might try Salvia at some point, but it's not a priority for me. I have a lot of work to do with 5-MeO-DMT, 5-MeO-MALT, and DPT.

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3. You say that tripping relieves your suffering. What relieves suffering the best?

From my particular experience, being on a journey to understand the nature of Reality is what relieves my suffering the most. However, therapy comes next, as I need to work on childhood trauma, various anxieties and fears, as well as on my self-esteem. It's all interconnected, and external help makes progress faster.

But I no longer go to conventional therapists, as they lack the spiritual foundation I need them to have to truly understand my psyche. I'm very lucky to have found a therapist who is both highly advanced and extremely grounded. She teaches me how to be human, helps me heal and release trauma, and guides me in better integrating my interest for Truth into my life, so I can find balance and healing between the spiritual, material, and psychological aspects of life.

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4. Your 5-MeO-MiPT trips brought out "I AM LOVE." Do you find yourself doing less negative self-talk now?

I've improved. I try to make a conscious effort to reframe my negative thoughts, but as a perfectionist and an extremely anxious person, when something goes wrong from my point of view, it's hard not to think harshly about it. So, I improve, but slowly, and those trips help a lot. However, I’d need many more of them to peel away the layers of negativity, hatred, and fear that are within me

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5. You’ve described becoming "directly conscious" of being God. As you increase dosages, does this become clearer?

I've been reducing dosages more often than increasing them, but I'm going back to slowly increasing. What I've found is that my understanding is becoming clearer, not necessarily because of the dosages, but because of the experiences that add up. It's still important to find the right dose, though, as too much is not ideal, but too little isn't either.

So, it is true that the dosages matter to gain clarity, but it's relative to where you're at in your understanding of Reality and God, as well as in your experience with a specific substance. In some cases, more of a substance will give you more clarity, but in other cases, you might need less for better results.

~

As I already mentioned, I'm still far from deeply getting the full picture. I have had deep Realizations of God, Infinity, and Love, but I haven't had enough experiences of them. I need more trips, into the nature of all the facets of Reality, to make my understanding deeper. I'm aware that there are degrees of understanding, and I am not at the highest. My current understanding is very deep compared to most people, but it isn't as deep compared to Leo, who is far more advanced and experienced than me.

The frustration of not being further in my journey is always present in my mind, but my priority these days is shifting more towards healing and the material aspects of life (work and Life Purpose). I'm currently trying to work on all three at the same time — healing, God-Realization, and Life Purpose — as they are closely intertwined and I need them all to live. However, it's getting difficult to manage them simultaneously.

I intended to post a trip report two days ago to give an example of how things can go wrong. I’m a very cautious person (earlier today, my mother even mentioned that I was very stoic as a child). I have a tendency to avoid causing trouble, both for myself and others, I am highly reflexive and deliberate, but sometimes I still make mistakes. It’s difficult for me to accept that, but that's the reality of things.

I’m hesitant about posting the report because I take this work very seriously, and I don't want to harm my reputation or that of psychedelics.

However, I learn the most from my own mistakes. I've made a few others lately that I haven't written about either. But I'll share this one with the intention of demonstrating this: be more cautious with psychedelics than you ever think you need to be. Though, it’s hard to follow this rule without making mistakes yourself.

The trick is that you might not realize you're making a mistake until it reveals itself as such, which is what happened to me a few times.

Here is the report I wrote yesterday in the next post.

[Clarence]

1P-LSD 250 mg

To begin with, I just realized this morning that I took 250 mcg instead of 200 mcg (another example of a mistake one can make inadvertently). I took one 150 mcg blotter and cut 1/3 of another, but I swallowed the wrong part, so I ended up adding 100 mcg instead of 50 mcg, which I didn’t realize until today. I don’t think it made a huge difference, but it's worth noting.

Here's the report:

I have a recipe for disaster. All you need is: an anxious person, a closed environment, complete darkness, pain in the chest, foreign noises, an inability to escape, 200 mcg of LSD, and a few more anxious thoughts.

I almost had a panic attack — or rather, I did have one. I was in the dark, in my room, at 6 in the morning, at the peak of a psychedelic trip, when I realized how distorted the sounds of my mother getting ready for work were. I suddenly panicked. I was completely stuck, in the night, unable to move or change rooms, as any noise would attract her attention, and she doesn't know I was tripping.

But all I wanted was daylight and to get out of my room. None of which I could have.

I picked up my earphones and started playing music to block out the house's noises, which had become so foreign to me. But even the music I couldn’t listen to, as my whole body and mind screamed at me, ''get out of there, get out of the room, and turn on the light".

But I couldn't.

I grabbed the essential oil from my bedside table, forcing my body to stay still. I wished it were lavender, but all I had was peppermint. However, I didn’t care. I needed something to calm myself down, even if just a little, at the peak of this attack, as even the smell of my room had become so foreign and uncomfortable.

I then picked up my phone again, still in the dark with the dim light I had, and started playing Leo's AL-LAD Trip Report. It was hard to get into the video, but I literally had no other choice. Leo's energy was so positive, and the introduction about building state right on point, that it helped tremendously. The panic I felt began to reduce.

But then, other anxious thoughts started playing in my mind. For some background, I’m an extremely sensitive and anxious person; I’ve always been this way, getting caught up in the details rather than in the big picture of things. This started to take over in the second half of my trip.

I wrote a letter to a French journalist last week. He has been researching and publishing books on death and, more broadly, on consciousness. I decided to contact him to tell him about my use of psychedelics and the similar research I’ve been doing with them. I also wanted to introduce him to Actualized.org's content.

It was hard for me to handle because I had put a lot of thought into my letter, and it felt like I had messed everything up. I couldn't let go of the uncertainty, and it worsened during the trip. I had intended to work on my self-esteem and sense of stability, to learn to handle situations like this better, but the opposite happened and my concern only grew. It took me a long time to let go of all of this.

Though, the worst was yet to come. Eleven hours into the trip, I received a text message saying that my sister was in the emergency room and that I needed to contact the hospital to find out whether she was out of danger. This caused even more stress, as I wasn't fully back to normal and would soon have to tell my mother what had happened to her, which was (and still is) very serious and life-threatening.

I was lucky enough to have started my trip at 4 in the morning, or it would have been even harder to manage the situation. But tripping while my mother doesn't know is starting to get me into trouble. The simple fact that she could come home earlier any day, if she gets sick, or for any other reason, is problematic. It makes me anxious before, during, and after the trip when she comes home and I don't feel as usual.

~

This experience taught me to stop taking such long trips in the current settings, as this whole situation is too stressful for me. And to reduce the frequency of my trips for the same reason.

I am willing to take such risks because the cost of not tripping is also very high for me. I need psychedelics to understand Reality and myself. I need to figure out both Reality and myself to heal. And I need to heal to start working and move out.

But at this time, it turns out that the risks are starting to outweigh the benefits. One solution could be to openly talk to my mother about my use of psychedelics, but that's also difficult because she would worry, and whenever she worries, I can't be at peace.

There's a lot more I could write about my last trips, but I don't have the time to do so right now, and this update is already very long.

Nevertheless, here's a list of the most recent trips I've taken so you can have an overview:

Trip 35: DPT 55 mg, 02.18.25
Trip 36: DPT 70 mg, 02.20.25
Trip 37: DPT 85 mg, 02.25.25
Trip 38: 5-MeO-MiPT 20 mg, 02.27.25

Trip 39: 5-MeO-DMT 25 mg, 03.03.25
Trip 40: 5-MeO-DMT 20 mg, 03.04.25
Trip 41: 5-MeO-MiPT 20 mg, 03.06.25
Trip 42: LSD 125 mcg, 03.12.25
Trip 43: LSD 250 mcg, 03.26.25

Edited March 28 by Clarence