Psychedelic Journey (Trip Reports)

[Clarence]

I figured I would start a thread to write down my trip reports and my journey with psychedelics in one place. It seems better to me than to start a new topic for each. The downside of that is that new reports won't be clearly announced as a new post could either be a report or a comment, but I think that the people interested in reading them will still easily find them. I could also create a table of content later on to make it easier to get to them.

I was hesitant about the best section to post this in, but as my intention is not to journal but to gather my reports under one topic to make things simpler, the psychedelic section seems more appropriate.

Goals

- My ultimate goal is to understand and explore Consciousness at the highest levels possible. That is my passion. I'd say, my only passion. Nothing is as important for me than that.

- My secondary goal will be to understand and learn how to cope with (but hopefully reduce) my suffering. When I suffer the most, I don't even care about exploring consciousness or do anything anymore. And that's problematic. I need to have some basic wellbeing to even think about pursuing something. Maybe psychedelics can help me for that.

Psychedelics

I had 12 trips so far:

- 6 trips on magic truffles (16g Atlantis, 22g Atlantis, 15g High Hawaiians, 22g Double Vision, 25g Double Vision and 24g Amazonia). From what I've found on the internet, 25g of fresh magic truffles is about 5g of dried mushrooms. I don't know how reliable this is, but as I had very profound experiences on them, I would agree to classify them as high to very high doses. I had my first taste of God-Realization on the fourth trip.
- 2 trips on 1P-LSD (112 and 150 mg, Backstory)
- 2 trips on 5-MeO-DMT (12 mg and 17 mg)
- 2 trips on 5-MeO-MALT (12 and 18 mg)

And I plan to do much more. I'm particularly looking forward to do higher doses of 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT and later introduce DPT, 4-AcO-DMT, 5-MeO-MiPT, Weed, and Salvia.

My plan with this thread is to report how I am using psychedelics ; to report the substances I use, the dosages, the frequency, the sequence, and to write down my trips and the insights and realizations I have. Basically, I wish to share my results, how my understanding of God, Consciousness, Infinity, Love, deepens and evolves.

I don't have a defined plan or method at this point. I will use my intuition to determine the dosages and the psychedelic to use as I go for each trip. The frequency will mainly depend on the available days I have to trip.

On a second level, I might report some of my progression in regard to my suffering and sensitivities. I might report whether the psychedelic trips are helping me for that or not. This though won't be the primary focus.

[Clarence]

5-MeO-MALT 24 mg

I AM GOD

I am fucking God.

I couldn't help but repeat those words.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.… as I was breathing, the entire universe was breathing, and as I was exhaling, these words were exhaling out of my mouth.
I AM GOD.
I've become directly conscious of what GOD is, of what INFINITE means. And of what Infinite LOVE is.
I am fucking God.
I am Infinite. I am Love.

The distinction between my body (matter) and Consciousness completely ceased to exist. 5-MeO-MALT is utterly radical at higher dosages. It is Pure Consciousness.

I became directly Conscious in this Awakening of how CONSCIOUSNESS is all there is, of how it is Love, how it is Infinite, and how it is God. And how I fucking AM IT. All of it, the entire Reality. I became directly conscious of how this world and how the universe is all a dream and how it is all MIND. How it is all imaginary, and as a matter of fact, how there is no death and such things.

It was really intense, to the point that I was wondering if I could take on more, take on any more substance, take on any more Consciousness. I was wondering if that wasn't already too much.

This time, I had no sensation of waves during the trip like I did last time on MALT. It was a prolonged state of High Consciousness. It hit me strong and fast (like it did in my other trips). The overall trip was magnified.

Realization

With this trip came a very profound realization about myself: I UNDERSTAND what Leo is talking about.

As of now, I might be the only other one who is AWAKE. Not to speak too quickly as my experience is still limited, I might be the one closest to AWAKE. I might be the only other one who understands this word ; what it means and refers to.

I have read entire topics and discussion on the forum lately and I haven't read anyone who said something that made me think ''he gets it too''. I couldn't know for certain how I could see through the mistakes (and bullshit) of other members, while others could not. And how I could know that Leo was correct claiming to be the only one AWAKE on the planet while others could only believe him or refute him.

I was genuinely wondering whether I was deluding myself. The answer is now clear to me that I am not and was not. That might be because I actually am less deluded than others because I actually question myself a lot more. I might have a stronger desire to understand, and I might be more open to explore radical levels of Consciousness than any other member.

There is still room for improvement.

Important: I do not claim that I get everything the same way Leo does, nor that I have become conscious of everything he has become conscious of. I'm certainly not at the same level than Leo. And as he says, I can't even know where he's at. So that is beside the point. 

The point is not to convince anyone either, it simply is to report my trip and the realizations I've just had.

I will need many more trips to integrate this on a cellular level and to integrate that I too can trust myself and my Awakenings. In a sense, Leo's statement has been gaslighting me as a member of the forum and a human, even if it was and is still true to some extent.

Though I think his statement is very valuable and necessary. So many members are failing to see the obvious. They've so strongly convinced themselves that they've figured it all out that they can't see past their own belief and experience (their ''enlightenment'') anymore. As of for me, it has helped a lot in a few different ways.

It will still take many more trips to go deeper and reach even higher levels of Understanding, but I Know that my trips are leading me in the right direction.

Side note: I'm a bit late posting this, my trip was on Monday.

Edited November 15, 2023 by Clarence

[OBEler]

@Clarence thank you so much that you share all your trip reports here on this forum. It s always very profound to read. 

As I said, I am since beginning of this forum here and I never saw someone like you wo was so deep with realizations. It could be really the case that you come close to leo's awakenings. 

 

 

 

 

[Clarence]

You're welcome. It's nice if it is interesting or useful for someone. And it certainly is for me as well.

My best guess is that I am close to his realizations, but I also am very far. 

I likely could attain the deepest realizations he's had. But as he explained, some of the things he's done were so extreme that he nearly killed himself… For sure I haven't gone that far and I'm not sure whether I will or not. It will depend on the choices I'll make in the future to see how much closer I will get. I don't know yet how determined I am or will become.

Though, I am extremely curious, but the decision to take really high doses won't happen after just a few trips.

[OBEler]

@Clarence Y curiosity is maybe one of the most important quality you need to go further. It drives me also (but also sometimes to get these godlike pleasure from psychedelics too) 

[Clarence]

5-MeO-DMT 20 mg

Situation before the trip

I don't feel like having a trip, at all. I am feeling terrible for various reasons. I have no desire for anything, I don't even care about understanding Consciousness these days, which is quite bad as it is the thing I care about the most.

As I am feeling so bad, the thought of taking a psychedelic of this class is scary as it is radical and quick acting. I don't have a clear mind, so the changes in consciousness could be challenging and painful. And I will have to completely let go of my suffering, which is hard.

What tells me to do it anyway is that : 1. I have an available day today and I never know when the next one will be. 2. In normal times, understanding consciousness is my passion and what I want to make my life about. 3. Past trips thought me that tripping was often what I needed most even when I didn't feel like it. 4. I'd like to suffer a bit less to better change my situation, and it could have a positive impact on that, as it did in the past.

I decided to go with 5-MeO-DMT as it is short lasting and I just had about 2 hours available for the trip. Ideally, I would have taken psilocybin, but I neither had the time nor the substance. 

Right before the trip: I took a few more minutes to get myself ready to let go, to get into a neutral state of mind, to get ready to accept the shift in consciousness that was to come and to just let it happen. I had no particular intention for the trip, I just wanted to get more familiar with this substance and get a bit closer to access alien consciousness/intelligence.

Trip report

As it did last times, the trip started extremely quickly. After just two minutes, the come up started. A few moments later, I was in complete non-duality. I did wear my mindfold mask right after plugging to make the come up easier. As I was already in the dark (''in consciousness''), it was easier not to resist any changes of consciousness and to ''forget'' about myself and the physical reality.

I quickly laid down as I didn't have the strength to remain sitted, and I completely let go of my mind and my body as my consciousness shifted to non-duality and infinity. I had a strong taste of infinity in this trip.

I started breathing very deeply, exhaling through my mouth, the air blowing against my knees under the blankets. Feeling the warmth of the breath and hearing its sound in this non-dual state was a very deep experience. I started doing it before I realized it, and suddenly became conscious of this from a high-consciousness, non-dual, perspective. There was a feeling of ''being back home'' in this expanded state of consciousness, as the same happened in other trips.

That is how I became conscious again of how I am God, Consciousness and Infinity, and how as such, I could explore Infinite Intelligences for eternity. This in itself was already a form of infinite intelligence. That is not a human day to day form of intelligence. And I felt satisfaction from it. What happened also at the same time was that my depression alleviated. But by the end of the trip I had to make a conscious effort not to fall back right into it by mistake (which was happening when I caught it).

The peak of the trip lasted for about 30 minutes, but it quite pursued for 20 more minutes. At about that time, I stood up and went back to my day with a clearer state of mind.

The entire trip was smoother than I expected. It was not painful in any way and I really, really, loved it. I wish I would have more opportunities to trip, but my current life situation doesn't allow it (I'm working towards changing it - it's taking way longer that I can handle).

[OBEler]

@Clarence Thanks again for your trip report, always good to read! I know these situations where you need to force yourself to do 5 meo, even when you are not in the mood at all for a trip (even if the trips before were all positive, you still get stressed). This is a very nasty feeling, because it is the perfect time and you are struggling with your self to do it anyway. I feel then utterly powerless. But directly after I plugged, I feel totally fine, at least on Malt. Its done!

Some questions: Do you always trip in total darkness/with this sleep mask? How are your 5 meo trips, if you have eyes open and see your surroundings (I think Leo recommends this also).

Also, are you thinking about other ROA like nasal spray or vaping 5 meo (because the trip is even much shorter, if you have time problems)?

Edited December 1, 2023 by OBEler

[Clarence]

 

@OBEler Not always, but most of the time. I always place my head under the blankets anyway. My room is pretty cold - I'm pretty bad at decorating and I don't use a heater (the temperature is at 10° C - 50° F), so I just don't like being in there, it is very depressing. I feel better when I cut myself out of it. I think it allows me to delve deeper into consciousness as I don't get heavy thoughts from the cold and sight of the room.

I don't have enough experience/memories from tripping with my eyes open with 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT to really be able to talk about it. I do have a vague idea of my consciousness expanding to include the entire room, but that is pretty much all I can say. It will require other trips to observe what is happening with my eyes open (and maybe moving out).

I haven't considered this method. Maybe I'll try snorting once out of curiosity. But I didn't think about vaping, though I'd like to learn how to do it for DMT. This substance could be very convenient actually. But I still haven't done the research to find it and know how to vape it efficiently. 5-MeO-DMT is short lasting enough for the time I have, so it's better for me not to reduce the length of the trip. Do you use other methods than plugging?

[OBEler]

@Clarence nö but other methods have some advantages

I think snorting is not really worth trying. It will burn too strong in your nose. 

Nasal - spray could be very attractive (child nasal spray) . It burns less, you save time preparing like for plugging and redosing is easy possible. Same for vaping. And you need less 5 meo for same effects. But the trip will be shorter

[Davino]

On 15/11/2023 at 4:34 PM, Clarence said:

Salvia

Be careful with Salvia you have been warned. Make it your last psychedelic, after you are a master of classic psychedelics and you have a daily steady sadhana practice.

 

23 minutes ago, OBEler said:

I think snorting is not really worth trying. It will burn too strong in your nose. 

For me is perfectly fine, I experience very mild discomfort, but everyone is different. I know people that really hurts for them in the nose. But you could be like me so try. Also the effects are more in the head/mind space, while plugging is more bodily and embodied.

[Breakingthewall]

@Clarence 

What I see is a lot of comparison, little life. Very much I am God, everything is mind, everything is imaginary, Leo and me are the only ones. but nothing that really is the infinite total absolute, the total glory of existence.

All that mind, God, Leo, they are bullshit that must be forgotten, when you open yourself to infinity you don't say fuck fuck, you open yourself to glory, you are the great living void, tears flood you, laughter springs, and only one expression is in your mind: hallelujah.

As you are serious in this work, maybe this tip could be useful to you: empty your mind

[Dauntment]

On 12/2/2023 at 5:58 AM, Davino said:

Be careful with Salvia you have been warned. Make it your last psychedelic, after you are a master of classic psychedelics and you have a daily steady sadhana practice.

 

For me is perfectly fine, I experience very mild discomfort, but everyone is different. I know people that really hurts for them in the nose. But you could be like me so try. Also the effects are more in the head/mind space, while plugging is more bodily and embodied.

Salvia? Dangerous?   Care to share more details/perspective? *That hasn't already been said on Reddit/YouTube comments, etc.*

[Davino]

18 hours ago, Dauntment said:

Salvia? Dangerous?   Care to share more details/perspective? *That hasn't already been said on Reddit/YouTube comments, etc.*

Many factors. I want to try it orally by some extracts, I have the intuition it will make the experience much better as in the shamanic context of Mexico is the first psychedelic they introduce the student shaman to.

So the 4 dangerous factors for me are:

1 Total Loss of memory.

2 Total Loss of body movement 

3 Salvia feels Alien

4 Nasty visceral Ego-deaths. It's called the backdoor of Death

So, why is memory a problem? You forgot you took any drug, you are tripping balls you don't remember life being any other way, what is, is the only explanation you have, and it feels weird and unnatural. Scientific studies show that they trigger the same receptors of craving that heroin addicts have, among many other things, so the experience is Truly Amazing but there is this strange background noise that you cannot put your finger on.

2 You can crack your skull open while your POV is an elve mechanic world. In DMT that could happen but body stays (usually) calm and relaxed lying down. You can find crazy videos in the internet of people absolutely losing control of the body and doing the weirdest things you can imagine.

3 It feels weird man. Like 5meo is hella crazy but feels home you see. Salvia is hella crazy and feels weirdly exotic like it has nothing to do whatsoever with anything in the Human-frame.

4 You think you've had an ego death till you have an ego death in Saliva

Extra: They call it the yonqui humbler, imagine how strong it is.

 

I don't have more than 10 Salvia Trips under my belt but I took the decisions to leave it aside. Just for the one reason that I couldn't make any sense of it, so unique, so itself. In fact, I'm in love with salvia, it's such a profund mystery that only a handful of humans have gone into.

Edited December 21, 2023 by Davino

[Dauntment]

On 12/21/2023 at 4:49 AM, Davino said:

Many factors. I want to try it orally by some extracts, I have the intuition it will make the experience much better as in the shamanic context of Mexico is the first psychedelic they introduce the student shaman to.

So the 4 dangerous factors for me are:

1 Total Loss of memory.

2 Total Loss of body movement 

3 Salvia feels Alien

4 Nasty visceral Ego-deaths. It's called the backdoor of Death

So, why is memory a problem? You forgot you took any drug, you are tripping balls you don't remember life being any other way, what is, is the only explanation you have, and it feels weird and unnatural. Scientific studies show that they trigger the same receptors of craving that heroin addicts have, among many other things, so the experience is Truly Amazing but there is this strange background noise that you cannot put your finger on.

2 You can crack your skull open while your POV is an elve mechanic world. In DMT that could happen but body stays (usually) calm and relaxed lying down. You can find crazy videos in the internet of people absolutely losing control of the body and doing the weirdest things you can imagine.

3 It feels weird man. Like 5meo is hella crazy but feels home you see. Salvia is hella crazy and feels weirdly exotic like it has nothing to do whatsoever with anything in the Human-frame.

4 You think you've had an ego death till you have an ego death in Saliva

Extra: They call it the yonqui humbler, imagine how strong it is.

 

I don't have more than 10 Salvia Trips under my belt but I took the decisions to leave it aside. Just for the one reason that I couldn't make any sense of it, so unique, so itself. In fact, I'm in love with salvia, it's such a profund mystery that only a handful of humans have gone into.

Appreciate the long response  I was supposed to try it this year but I re-arranged some priorities.

"You can crack your skull open while your POV is an elve mechanic world.", Yea I saw a reddit post where a 15yo jumped out a 5th floor (and fortunately survived). 

"took the decisions to leave it aside." Permanently? "I couldn't make any sense of it" WOW LOL How enticing (to me). 

"I'm in love with salvia," ~~ Interestingly....I would say I feel almost the same, strangely, like "the woman of my dreams" that I have never met/seen/known. I was supposed to try this year but rearranged some priorities; worth to note I don't have even 10 trips TOTAL (LSD + Mushroom) but am exceptionally more tolerant as I have observed. 

[Davino]

On 22/12/2023 at 5:19 PM, Dauntment said:

"took the decisions to leave it aside." Permanently?

No, till I find my use of 5meo has gotten me to a pretty good energetic opening and I have solid skills in my consciousness to navigate such strong experiences.

On 22/12/2023 at 5:19 PM, Dauntment said:

"I couldn't make any sense of it" WOW LOL How enticing (to me). 

You will remember my words when your body & reality starts unzipping!

 

Let me give you some resources to help you do it the best way, as I see you interested and I would like you to take care of yourself.

So I can give you one of my old trip reports and more info

Video of Leo talking on his trips on Salvia: https://www.actualized.org/insights/what-its-like-to-smoke-salvia

 

Then a little bad trip to scare you also

 

If you are searching for a high quality written source then I recommend you Sage Spirit - Salvia Divinorum and the Entheogenic Experience from Martin W. Ball

One of the few books written on the subject but you can find others also

[Clarence]

5-MeO-DMT 25 mg

22.01.24

This was my fourth 5-MeO-DMT trip. I upped my dose from 20 to 25 mg. My intention was basically to deepen my understanding of Consciousness.

My sense of reality started shifting 2 minutes after plugging. (I really wished I had more time to settle before feeling the effects.) The peak happened shortly after. I don't recall a come up. All I had time for was to accept the shift of consciousness as it took place, and then I was in a peak experience.

I might repeat myself a lot, but so far my trips share a lot of similarities. I became conscious of being God and the Universe, that I created everything that I ever came into contact with (or simply thought or imagined) and that everything was possible in the field of consciousness.

I spent a part of the trip breathing very deeply in my hand (it just happened before I noticed it), realizing that I was God. At time, I would also stop breathing. It felt equally good and profound.

As the intensity of the trip was reducing, I tried to get insights on how to change the things that I don't like about myself, the things that make my life difficult (mainly, extreme overthinking and anxiety). But I didn't get any insight on that. The only insight I got back (but which I knew already), was that understanding consciousness is a need for me - not just a desire, but a fundamental need.

I wonder how my trips will evolve on higher doses. I would really like to trip on 4-AcO-DMT when I get the chance, as so far my trips on magic truffles were more insightful on changes regarding my personality.

[Clarence]

5-MeO-DMT 30 mg

This was the best trip I've had so far and one of the best experience of my life. Though, I don't know how I could put this into words. It is very challenging and quite annoying because I'd like to be able to depict my experiences better.

I feel that I went deeper in this trip than in my past trips. I had told myself that I would this time remain sitted and keep my eyes open to better observe consciousness. As the trip was coming up, I became completely one with the room. I could see the ceiling as myself and the distinction between me and the room ceased to exist. As the trip went on, I basically could see consciousness with my mind's eye. I realized that I was the entire universe, and that consciousness was infinite. 

I felt like I could explore consciousness and go into new realms. I had the desire to close my eyes and get comfortable to just enjoy the moment of seeing consciousness so perfectly. With higher doses, I will be able to enter higher and more radical states of consciousness. I have such a calling to explore consciousnesses.

The peak and the ''slowing down'' of the trip lasted longer this time too. So I could bask in this awakening longer. It felt so good.

I spent the time following the peak reflecting on various things, and one thing I realized was that I could not completely cut myself out from other people's suffering and at large, the suffering of the world. I am hyper sensitive and the suffering of the world has been a challenge since I was a child. These last years, I have completely stopped caring (at least, I convinced myself of that, and that it had stopped affecting me). But it can't.

I came to realize that no matter how hard I try, our consciousness is one, and so I cannot live as a separate individual, completely immune to the suffering of the world. As I am a part of it, I am also impacted by the suffering around. But also, I better understood my own suffering in relation to the people I live with (my mother and grandmother). We are having a really difficult time as my grandmother is at the end of her life - we are her caregivers, and we are all in a lot of suffering from this difficult life situation. This trip helped me better understand and accept my suffering in relation to their suffering.

I also realized that I had become very egocentric (mainly as a defense mechanism, but still), in the sense that: I suffer so much, I choose not to care anymore about other people's suffering, and so I have become more self-centered.

I've been spending the last few weeks catching up on the Actualized.org videos I haven't watch (quite many, as I had felt overwhelmed with feeling so far behind in struggling so much to actualize the more materialistic teachings). The video I was watching yesterday was Understanding The Exquisite Balance Of Life. At some point, Leo was saying that when you're being selfish, you're cutting yourself off from God, because God is Selflessness. I had a direct realization on that in this trip. It made complete sense while listening to him, but it was even more vivid in this higher state of consciousness. It made me want to become more selfless in a healthy way.

I also had the insight that I am in charge, in myself, of more than I think of, and that I have the capacity to change myself more than I think I can. I often feel helpless and a victim of the complex working of my mind, which is not too well suited to live in this world (and so it creates a lot of suffering in my daily life). That insight was in relation to that. It gave me a taste, a feeling, that I can change more than I think.

Coming out of this trip, I feel very peaceful. I started writing the report by the end of the trip to better remember it. I really wished I had my own place to live to have more opportunities to trip. But moving out will create other kinds of suffering for my mother and grandmother, and thus, it won't completely free myself from my suffering related to them. But at least, tripping more will help me see things I can't see now and change things I can't change now. And so maybe become better at helping them than I am now.

I was able to trip these last two days because I was doing some castle sitting for a friend (pretty cool, huh).

Edited January 23, 2024 by Clarence

[strangelooper]

On 23/01/2024 at 4:49 PM, Clarence said:

5-MeO-DMT 30 mg

This was the best trip I've had so far and one of the best experience of my life. Though, I don't know how I could put this into words. It is very challenging and quite annoying because I'd like to be able to depict my experiences better.

I feel that I went deeper in this trip than in my past trips. I had told myself that I would this time remain sitted and keep my eyes open to better observe consciousness. As the trip was coming up, I became completely one with the room. I could see the ceiling as myself and the distinction between me and the room ceased to exist. As the trip went on, I basically could see consciousness with my mind's eye. I realized that I was the entire universe, and that consciousness was infinite. 

I felt like I could explore consciousness and go into new realms. I had the desire to close my eyes and get comfortable to just enjoy the moment of seeing consciousness so perfectly. With higher doses, I will be able to enter higher and more radical states of consciousness. I have such a calling to explore consciousnesses.

The peak and the ''slowing down'' of the trip lasted longer this time too. So I could bask in this awakening longer. It felt so good.

I spent the time following the peak reflecting on various things, and one thing I realized was that I could not completely cut myself out from other people's suffering and at large, the suffering of the world. I am hyper sensitive and the suffering of the world has been a challenge since I was a child. These last years, I have completely stopped caring (at least, I convinced myself of that, and that it had stopped affecting me). But it can't.

I came to realize that no matter how hard I try, our consciousness is one, and so I cannot live as a separate individual, completely immune to the suffering of the world. As I am a part of it, I am also impacted by the suffering around. But also, I better understood my own suffering in relation to the people I live with (my mother and grandmother). We are having a really difficult time as my grandmother is at the end of her life - we are her caregivers, and we are all in a lot of suffering from this difficult life situation. This trip helped me better understand and accept my suffering in relation to their suffering.

I also realized that I had become very egocentric (mainly as a defense mechanism, but still), in the sense that: I suffer so much, I choose not to care anymore about other people's suffering, and so I have become more self-centered.

I've been spending the last few weeks catching up on the Actualized.org videos I haven't watch (quite many, as I had felt overwhelmed with feeling so far behind in struggling so much to actualize the more materialistic teachings). The video I was watching yesterday was Understanding The Exquisite Balance Of Life. At some point, Leo was saying that when you're being selfish, you're cutting yourself off from God, because God is Selflessness. I had a direct realization on that in this trip. It made complete sense while listening to him, but it was even more vivid in this higher state of consciousness. It made me want to become more selfless in a healthy way.

I also had the insight that I am in charge, in myself, of more than I think of, and that I have the capacity to change myself more than I think I can. I often feel helpless and a victim of the complex working of my mind, which is not too well suited to live in this world (and so it creates a lot of suffering in my daily life). That insight was in relation to that. It gave me a taste, a feeling, that I can change more than I think.

Coming out of this trip, I feel very peaceful. I started writing the report by the end of the trip to better remember it. I really wished I had my own place to live to have more opportunities to trip. But moving out will create other kinds of suffering for my mother and grandmother, and thus, it won't completely free myself from my suffering related to them. But at least, tripping more will help me see things I can't see now and change things I can't change now. And so maybe become better at helping them than I am now.

I was able to trip these last two days because I was doing some castle sitting for a friend (pretty cool, huh).

"You" are not selfish because "you" are just a projection of the consciousness. The consciousness is projecting "you" as allegedly selfish. "You" are not to blame. "Selfless" just means it has no self, it's not the opposite of selfish. How can it be the opposite of selfish if it withholds abundance from the majority of the population, projects babies starving to death when it could project them with filled bellies. 

Where does selfishness come from? It does not come from humans. It comes from the source. The source projects all the selfishness on its creation.

Edited January 24, 2024 by strangelooper

[Clarence]

@strangelooper Humans can act more selfish at times and more selfless at other times. I don't see a problem using them as opposites.

Consciousness is still selflessness even if there are babies dying of hunger. Consciousness doesn't differentiate between what is perceived as "good" and "bad" by humans. They're are babies dying because humans are selfish - not because consciousness (selflessness) is.

Also I'm not just a "projection of the consciousness". I am Consciounsess itself. One cannot just be a projection of consciousness. We are consciousness. And we are being selfish as humans because we get the choice to and choose to, not because "the source projects selfishness on us".

[Clarence]

35 mg 5-MeO-MALT

02.19.24

I don't have a proper report to write down, but I will still share my experience and my ''mistakes''.

I went into the trip at about 1h30 pm, hungry and thirsty (I don't eat nor drink the day I trip to avoid getting any nausea). The morning had been rough. I had had an appointment with my psychiatrist and then I had some shopping to do. So I was outside, thinking, walking, being surrounded by people and noise for four hours, and all of that on an empty stomach. Plus, the day before had been very long and challenging.

When I sat on my bed, the syringe in my hand, I felt exhausted. I wanted to sleep, but having very few opportunities to trip and wanting to become more decisive - so to stop changing my mind all the time, I took the substance. I didn't feel scared, just tired, and it still felt like I had more to gain than to lose.

But the trip went faster than me. I couldn't properly keep up and observe the experience. I had memories from the morning and previous day that were coming up, and I couldn't tell if they were past, present, real or imaginary. I didn't know if they had happened or if I was making them up, and I couldn't make the difference between the past and the present. There was a sense of confusion. It was not scary though and not surprising either because I am conscious that everything is imaginary. I enjoyed experiencing the imaginary nature of reality in this direct way, but I was unable to tell how much of this ''weirdness'' was caused by my tiredness or by the substance. 

The trip lasted about 2 hours, but it felt much shorter, like if I had missed parts of the trip (maybe not, but maybe I did). When I stood up to turn off the light, I noticed that I was not walking straight, and that my movements were not very coordinate, going too fast, and so they were more difficult to execute.

As the trip was ending, I started contemplating, as I did in my last trip, but instead of being inspired, I entered a very dark place. My worries and negative thoughts became stronger and I could not get myself out of them (I'm not able to in my daily life either). I suffered a lot. I suffer a lot all the time, but with the remaining of the substance in my system, my suffering became far worse and my thoughts even darker.

Though, time was running out and I had obligations. I had no choice but to suck it up and greet my mother as if nothing had happened (she doesn't know that I take psychedelics and she doesn't know that I suffer from MDD). It was really hard. I focused on my puppy who is full of joy to not let anyone know my emotional state. And I took some paracetamol as I started having a headache right away.

I kept mentally suffering the entire evening. I just wanted to be in bed to sleep, as I was extremely tired, and didn't have the space (being surrounded by family) to process and feel my emotions. I had a terrible night with many different dreams. And the days after didn't go better.

Lessons

Coming out from this trip (and these few days), I learned the lesson that I can allow myself to be more patient and accept that my living conditions are not adapted right now for spiritual (and even psychological) work. I had a lot of frustration and guilt, feeling that I was not doing enough (that I could for example wake up very early to trip when every one was sleeping). But after this trip, my level of guilt regarding that got reduced. I think that I can wait to create a better life to do the work I want to do. I even think that waiting is necessary and not a bad thing.

I also learned that I won't trip again when being that exhausted. I think that I lost a lot out of the trip because of the tiredness. I plan to do the same dose at some point in the future, in better conditions, to see how different the trip will be. Also, maybe 30 mg would have been enough, but I'm still at the very beginning of learning to know the substances, the quantities, and overall, the different kind of trips possible. So the other reason I can have lost part of the trip (or at least, have that feeling) is if the dose was too high. But I can't know for sure at this point what the real reason was, or if it was the mix of both.