Everyone, Leo i need your help, middle eastern men, jealousy , control of your partne

[omfar001]

Hello everyone, leo,

 

I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years and recently we broke up, because of the unending argument about what she can wear and what she can post on Instagram and about having too close male friends. 

 

 

This problem have been bugging me my whole life. For context i am middle eastern from Egypt raised and born in Saudi arabia for about 10 years spread out between my childhood and teenage years. From 16 to 24 in Egypt and from 24 till now 28 in Germany. This context is important because i really believe a big reason of why i can't accept being with a girl that have very close male friends or wearing very revealing clothes and posting them on Instagram is because of my background that was  instilled in me. Of course i have changed alot since my early twenties and teenage years and became more tolerant with those things but still i am faaaar away from the European girl standard or the open minded and modern girl standard that she can post any pic she wants without me being upset about it or having any type of close activities with a male friend without being bothered about it. 

 

Another important context is i am not a red pill guy and i see it is bullshit,  "oh don't allow her to post revealing pics on social media or go to the club she belongs to the street and she will cheat on you" i think it's low consciousness activities and i think it's not right, another context is that i am not religious so the reason behind me being bothered by these things is not religion either.

 

 

I am aware that the way i am acting like this is related to how i brought up and how i had some insecurities of course but i believe that it's more related to culture more than the insecurity part and i also think it's not related to trust issues because mostly i very much respect and trust the girl i am with and that's why i make her my girlfriend to begin with. Maybe it can be related to control but that's back again to my culture because in my culture we were brought up to take care of the woman but also have boundaries on some of their behaviors.

 

 

I really don't know what to do about this because it caused endless problems in this relationship that just ended also i don't know if i should deal with it and try to end it or just accept the fact that i was brought up that way and look for a more compatible girl from my culture that will understand me when i tell her don't post this on Instagram.

 

 

My purpose here is the truth so if i realized that i need to get rid of that then i don't mind and to what limit do i need to get rid of it ? Should i get rid of it to the degree that i am ok with my wife or girlfriend opens an onlyfans and post her nudes online? If that's the truth and what need to be done then i am ready to accept it and get rid of it but i don't know if it is the right thing or not and that's why i am asking. 

 

 

Also for your information this is widely spread between middle eastern men and between men from other cultures that were brought up by conservative or religious families and they really suffer in today's relationships and today's world where girls like very much to dress up in different fashion styles and to post it on Instagram like the rest of her friends. And i know for a guy who was brought up in the west or in an open minded family that's not a problem at all for him.

 

 

Hope i provided enough background and information about this issue and i hope the responses can be helpful for me and other men too. Thank you.

Edited November 12, 2023 by omfar001

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPSYERp-q3A

 

[omfar001]

@Raze i don't think answers my questions or related to my case.

[Merkabah Star]

edited out as I was low vibe. Apologies 

Edited November 13, 2023 by Merkabah Star

[omfar001]

@Merkabah Star are you ok ? 

Just now, Merkabah Star said:

You want to date the slutty girls cause they make your dick  hard, yeah, fair enough. Just have sex with them, you can’t date them. You are too ridiculous.  Marry some conservative Muslim type girl, who is a prude and lets her husband control her.
 

Go back to Egypt to find an obedient wife. I think the west is too naughty for your values. 
 

I love your confidence in thinking Leo is going to respond to this thread. 😂

 

[omfar001]

@Raze thank you though.

[Merkabah Star]

@omfar001 sorry, was I too harsh? Sometimes you need a slap to wake up.
 

Love to you. 

[omfar001]

@Merkabah Star well answering your your comment, it's not like what you mentioned i don't want to date provocative girls then try to control them or only have sex with them and not date them also i don'twant to go be in a relationship with a conservative religious girl just because she will do what i tell her because i am neither conservative nor religious, and on a higher level i don't think that i should control the girl i am with and i don't think that the fact that she is trying to wear revealing styles and post them on Instagram is necessarily a bad thing i also understand that this is her culture and how she is brought up and all her friends do the same or even more. But as i said above about my background i can't help but feeling bad about those things and not be ok with them since i was brought up in religious family and society. And my question to leo and everyone is this a bad thing in me or is it just my culture and i should accept it and look for someone who is compatible with me and that's it maybe a girl like me which is not religious or conservative but at the same time doesn't wear revealing clothes and post them online. 

Edited November 13, 2023 by omfar001

[tranquillus]

I think you need to find the root cause of the problem to solve it. Is it jealousy? Insecurity? A need to be in control? Certain beliefs about what a woman should or should not be/do?
All of them could come from your upbringing and culture, but you need to be more specific about what part triggers you and why. Also, I would actively question and deconstruct all the beliefs, traditions, and values of the culture in which I was brought up. 

[Princess Arabia]

53 minutes ago, Merkabah Star said:

You want to date the slutty girls cause they make your dick  hard, yeah, fair enough. Just have sex with them, you can’t date them. You are too ridiculous.  Marry some conservative Muslim type girl, who is a prude and lets her husband control her.
 

Go back to Egypt to find an obedient wife. I think the west is too naughty for your values. 
 

I love your confidence in thinking Leo is going to respond to this thread. 😂

A "slutty girl", as you described, who posts a picture on Instagram has nothing on you with your distasteful tone of voice to a respectable post where he is just looking for sincere advice on how to deal with his situation.

You're calling someone who just posts a picture slutty, but listen to the way you speak. If a male was.to post a picture of himself on Instagram with his shirt off, would he be considered a dog. 

Why is a woman slutty just because she posts a picture. She's probably more eloquent in the way she speaks and behaves than how you sound in this advice.

[Raze]

https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-erase-your-jealousy-without-turning-pushover

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WMqOUbbT0s

 

[Merkabah Star]

56 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

A "slutty girl", as you described, who posts a picture on Instagram has nothing on you with your distasteful tone of voice to a respectable post where he is just looking for sincere advice on how to deal with his situation.

You're calling someone who just posts a picture slutty, but listen to the way you speak. If a male was.to post a picture of himself on Instagram with his shirt off, would he be considered a dog. 

Why is a woman slutty just because she posts a picture. She's probably more eloquent in the way she speaks and behaves than how you sound in this advice.

Apologies, it was tongue in cheek and meant to be somewhat humorous. Sorry it was humourless. Wasn’t my intention. 
 

edit to add, I almost thought the thread was spam to be honest. 

Edited November 13, 2023 by Merkabah Star

[Princess Arabia]

3 hours ago, Merkabah Star said:

Apologies, it was tongue in cheek and meant to be somewhat humorous. Sorry it was humourless. Wasn’t my intention. 
 

edit to add, I almost thought the thread was spam to be honest. 

Ok, but why is it always the ones with the cute little cuddly profile pictures talking all that trash. 

[Razard86]

1 hour ago, Princess Arabia said:

Ok, but why is it always the ones with the cute little cuddly profile pictures talking all that trash. 

Irony I believe. Look how cuddly I am (I will destroy you!!!!) 

 

11 hours ago, omfar001 said:

Hello everyone, leo,

 

I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years and recently we broke up, because of the unending argument about what she can wear and what she can post on Instagram and about having too close male friends. 

 

 

This problem have been bugging me my whole life. For context i am middle eastern from Egypt raised and born in Saudi arabia for about 10 years spread out between my childhood and teenage years. From 16 to 24 in Egypt and from 24 till now 28 in Germany. This context is important because i really believe a big reason of why i can't accept being with a girl that have very close male friends or wearing very revealing clothes and posting them on Instagram is because of my background that was  instilled in me. Of course i have changed alot since my early twenties and teenage years and became more tolerant with those things but still i am faaaar away from the European girl standard or the open minded and modern girl standard that she can post any pic she wants without me being upset about it or having any type of close activities with a male friend without being bothered about it. 

 

Another important context is i am not a red pill guy and i see it is bullshit,  "oh don't allow her to post revealing pics on social media or go to the club she belongs to the street and she will cheat on you" i think it's low consciousness activities and i think it's not right, another context is that i am not religious so the reason behind me being bothered by these things is not religion either.

 

 

I am aware that the way i am acting like this is related to how i brought up and how i had some insecurities of course but i believe that it's more related to culture more than the insecurity part and i also think it's not related to trust issues because mostly i very much respect and trust the girl i am with and that's why i make her my girlfriend to begin with. Maybe it can be related to control but that's back again to my culture because in my culture we were brought up to take care of the woman but also have boundaries on some of their behaviors.

 

 

I really don't know what to do about this because it caused endless problems in this relationship that just ended also i don't know if i should deal with it and try to end it or just accept the fact that i was brought up that way and look for a more compatible girl from my culture that will understand me when i tell her don't post this on Instagram.

 

 

My purpose here is the truth so if i realized that i need to get rid of that then i don't mind and to what limit do i need to get rid of it ? Should i get rid of it to the degree that i am ok with my wife or girlfriend opens an onlyfans and post her nudes online? If that's the truth and what need to be done then i am ready to accept it and get rid of it but i don't know if it is the right thing or not and that's why i am asking. 

 

 

Also for your information this is widely spread between middle eastern men and between men from other cultures that were brought up by conservative or religious families and they really suffer in today's relationships and today's world where girls like very much to dress up in different fashion styles and to post it on Instagram like the rest of her friends. And i know for a guy who was brought up in the west or in an open minded family that's not a problem at all for him.

 

 

Hope i provided enough background and information about this issue and i hope the responses can be helpful for me and other men too. Thank you.

The answer to all questions like these is actually very simple. The implementation is the hard part. Your values are your values.

There aren't good values or bad values in the case of what activities you like or don't like a person engaging in. When it comes to the things you posted above and saying you want to change it, take it from someone who is much older, you are going to be adjusting yourself for the rest of your life trying to fit everyone's criteria. So then you might ask so then what do I do? Simple...what to you is the ideal man character wise? I'm not talking money or status and all that I mean what type of person do you want to be? 

Forget conditioning and all that right now, who do you actually want to be? If you want to get over her having male friends then construct a belief that make it okay. What you are not aware of is everything can be justified but not everything is justifiable. What this means is human beings have an unlimited ability to justify their actions while also making claims that those actions are only justifiable in certain situations and they will argue and justify. So forget about what society thinks, or I think, or anybody else. WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?

Pretend you are a girl looking for a good man. What do you think is a good man? Seek to be that. Once you have accomplished that. Ask yourself what do you think is a good women? And pursue that. Only accept women who fit your criteria and live by the criteria you set for yourself. Through this you are true both to your individual self and your partner. See? It's simple. But it will take a life time of implementation.

Edited November 13, 2023 by Razard86

[Merkabah Star]

@Princess Arabia @Razard86

I am cuddly and cute in person too and I didn’t just write that into my dream. 😀

and my humour is Australian, gutter trash talk, I will try and reign it in more and thank you for the call out Princess, as I cleared a lot of weird energies out of me after and had a quick dip at the beach. Thank you. 
 

I have been rewriting  my dream, I made the command to my team around me and they have been busy writing away, so big weird energies have been coming out. I will stay offline in future if I feel those energies again. 
 

[Princess Arabia]

2 minutes ago, Merkabah Star said:

@Princess Arabia @Razard86

I am cuddly and cute in person too and I didn’t just write that into my dream. 😀

and my humour is Australian, gutter trash talk, I will try and reign it in more and thank you for the call out Princess, as I cleared a lot of weird energies out of me after and had a quick dip at the beach. Thank you. 
 

I have been rewriting  my dream, I made the command to my team around me and they have been busy writing away, so big weird energies have been coming out. I will stay offline in future if I feel those energies again. 
 

❤️❤️

[mr_engineer]

@omfar001 Here's a cold hard reality. 

As a man, to get the respect from men in most cultures (including the West, by the way), your serious romantic partner must be a so-called 'good girl', who is fully platonic in public. Forget about cheating, forget about flirting with another guy, forget even about posting pictures. If she even wears anything sexy in public, other men will judge you. Some of them will try to steal her from you, cuz they think they can. The West/most urban areas of the world are more accepting towards women who are sexy in public, they don't judge women for not being married past a certain point anymore, it's friendlier towards women. But, the moment you decide to get into a serious relationship and start a family, all of the religious expectations come back. 

There are good and bad reasons for this perception. The good reason is that if your woman is sexual (not sexy, sexual) in public, this means that her sexual personality isn't being expressed in the relationship with you. So, this is a real chance for them to steal her from you. They may do it, she may cheat on you and you may lose her, because you weren't paying attention/your game wasn't good enough. The bad reason, of course, is that they are sexually repressed, they have religious conditioning that taboos sex and sexiness in people's personalities and all of this amounts to them seeing sexy women as a 'distraction'. They believe that sexiness in women is a net negative for society, because it's 'distracting for men', so they will judge you for not controlling her enough. And they will also tend to idolize and pedestalize the 'good girls'. These are the slut-shamers. 

I won't tell you what to do about this. I will tell you my boundaries with women and why I have them: 

• If she thinks that another guy is hot - that's totally natural and normal. It shows me what she likes/doesn't like and if I can find a way to give that to her in the relationship, we're set. And, if this makes me insecure, this is fully my problem and if I go to therapy for this, it will be on my own/I won't take her with me. 
• If she flirts with another guy - that's bad behavior. If it goes against my boundaries in some way, I will regulate that behavior in her and I will ask her why she's doing that, I will hold her accountable for it. I will help her resolve whatever it is so that it doesn't happen again. It's not a threat to the relationship, it's just problematic behavior and it should be regulated. And, if she gives me shit like 'you're so insecure, you can't take a joke here or there', that won't fly. Cuz I won't find it funny. 
• If she expresses to me that she's more attracted to another guy than she is to me/she wants him more - this is a serious issue. This will seriously break my trust in her and it will make me question the foundation of our relationship/why we got into it to begin with. This is where we go to couples-therapy and we re-evaluate the relationship-status. It's still possible to salvage the relationship, but there are no guarantees. We would be back to the dating-stage, we'd probably be 'taking a break' from each other. My mind would still be open to getting back with her, because she was honest and she didn't cheat. 
• If she cheats (in any way, shape or form, whether it was just a kiss or a full-blown side-relationship) - the relationship is done. This shows me that cheating/adultery/dishonesty is acceptable to her morality, therefore we don't morally align. This is a proof of incompatibility. (I'm gonna say 'incompatibility' cuz you may have some polyamorous fantasy in which these things are acceptable, and I don't want to shame you for that.) She needs to figure out her morality in relationships. I will wish the best for her, I will wish that she figures it out and finds someone suitable in the future. But, I will not want to trust her, it would not be rational to expect me to trust her or have any respect for her. Cuz it shows weakness of character on her part. 

Communication is key. And before that, you have to figure out where you stand on this issue. HTH. 

Edited November 13, 2023 by mr_engineer

[omfar001]

14 hours ago, Raze said:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-erase-your-jealousy-without-turning-pushover

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WMqOUbbT0s

 

Thank you i think those resources are nice i watched the video but didn't check the article yet. I see it as reasonable but i still have a question, he said if it's your values and boundaries then remove yourself from this relationship but then i don't see it as the best solution because when i was a religious person years a go (now i am more spiritual in same directionas Leo after starting to follow him) i would have wanted to get a girl with hijab but now i am happy that i didn't stick to those values and opened up my mind to new possibilities. Yes i am still kind of conservative but far from a conservative Muslim. So my question is what if your values are bad and you need to get rid of it ? Or are they good and you need to keep them ?

[omfar001]

@Razard86 please look at my response above

[omfar001]

@Razard86

8 hours ago, Razard86 said:

Irony I believe. Look how cuddly I am (I will destroy you!!!!) 

 

The answer to all questions like these is actually very simple. The implementation is the hard part. Your values are your values.

There aren't good values or bad values in the case of what activities you like or don't like a person engaging in. When it comes to the things you posted above and saying you want to change it, take it from someone who is much older, you are going to be adjusting yourself for the rest of your life trying to fit everyone's criteria. So then you might ask so then what do I do? Simple...what to you is the ideal man character wise? I'm not talking money or status and all that I mean what type of person do you want to be? 

Forget conditioning and all that right now, who do you actually want to be? If you want to get over her having male friends then construct a belief that make it okay. What you are not aware of is everything can be justified but not everything is justifiable. What this means is human beings have an unlimited ability to justify their actions while also making claims that those actions are only justifiable in certain situations and they will argue and justify. So forget about what society thinks, or I think, or anybody else. WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE?

Pretend you are a girl looking for a good man. What do you think is a good man? Seek to be that. Once you have accomplished that. Ask yourself what do you think is a good women? And pursue that. Only accept women who fit your criteria and live by the criteria you set for yourself. Through this you are true both to your individual self and your partner. See? It's simple. But it will take a life time of implementation.

I don't think your answer is wrong, thank you. But i have an issue with it. Yes what you are saying is possible.  I can change my beliefs and convince myself that even having a porn start girlfriend is ok and justify it and live happily with that decision. But is this correct to do? I mean if i am going to change my mind and beliefs anyway then i would rather change them to the right/rational  thing. And i believe there is right and wrong in this i don't think it's all nice and cool. Of course you can convince yourself with anything and live happily with it but i think the right think is still gonna be there.